Connecting Head and Heart: Understanding a Father's Impact on His Daughter

Whether or not you’re familiar with the Bible, I’m guessing you’ve heard this phrase somewhere about the importance of fathers turning their hearts towards their children.  

When I originally started leading groups for dads of daughters in January 2010, I knew I was being given an amazing yet daunting assignment to help equip dads become more intentional with their daughters by connecting with their hearts. As time has gone on, I’ve pondered the significance of this carefully scripted, yet unusual wording from the last verse of the Old Testament about “turning the hearts of fathers.”

I’ve never had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” toward them, have you? The more common expression is “turn my head.” And as we all know, turning our head is instinctive; we don’t think about it when it happens. We just do it automatically when looking in the direction of someone or something that interests us.

By contrast, turning our heart isn’t reflexive. It’s directed by a decision, a choice, and conscious willingness, maybe even passion.

Most girls I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their dads. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her fill out a FAFSA (federal student aid form) or figure out how to open a bank account or buy her first car. The reality is that we need our dad to bring his rational, logical, intelligent mind to help us navigate life.

This then raises the question: Why did God talk about heart turns and not head turns for fathers?

For the majority of dads I’ve encountered, it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level. Turning his heart is typically harder for a man to do. But I figure that God must have written this directive about a turned heart for a reason, which means not only is it possible for dads to do it, but it also must be important or He wouldn’t have worded it this way.

Because this language is intentional, we’re invited to expand our understanding about the difference between a dad turning his head and turning his heart.

I firmly believe that a turned heart from a dad to his daughter will do more to deposit love, confidence, value, and strength into her life than anything else he could do.

So let’s define our terms:

A turned head:

• Implies that information is being exchanged.

• Means that something or someone has caught the attention of another as mental activity is stimulated.

• Is the seedbed of thought and deliberation, of consideration and contemplation.

• Is where choice originates and decisions are birthed.

A turned heart:

• Implies emotion and connection.

• Can bypass thought, perhaps even words.

• Is responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive.

• Communicates a depth of openness and availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses.

• Is about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

A girl can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned.

So as you head into this next week, set a goal to consciously raise your awareness of how you’re interacting with your daughter and decide to make your heart turns outnumber your head turns.

As you become an expert heart turner, your daughter will be the beneficiary of your efforts!

Why My Video About Dads and Anger Went Viral

I recently experienced something for the first time in my life: One of my videos went viral!

Over 3.4 million people have viewed a little 47-second clip on Instagram where I shared about the vital importance of a dad dropping his anger…and it exploded! The clip came from a two-hour interview I did with my friend, Jim Ramos of Men in the Arena, when his team posted this snippet as we talked about the importance of a dad’s active role in the life of his daughter.

Before going any further, here are the actual words I spoke in it:

“Awhile back I met a dad with a 2 ½ year old daughter who said: Tell me what I need to know [as a #girldad] in 20 seconds. Go!

Without hesitating, I responded: I’ll do you one better. I’ll give you just three words:
DROP. YOUR. ANGER. You will do more damage to her heart through your anger than anything else.

Your anger crushes the core of who she is.
Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.
Your anger will make her stop trying.
Your anger will be internalized by her and she will believe she’s not worthy and that she’s unloveable.

So the best gift you can give your daughter is to make a commitment right now to set a foundation to never respond to her in anger.”

As you can imagine, hundreds of comments poured in, and the large majority of them broke my heart.

Here are some examples:

“My father was always mad. I honestly never saw him happy or content when I was a child. He would come home and scream and yell and punch the wall over trivial things. It was terrifying. He'd apologize sometimes but that just taught me to expect explosive anger. I never thought I could be good enough for someone. It's funny that my father was extremely angry and my ex-husband treated me the same way he did.”

“I think anger is a human emotion, not to be avoided. The real issue is how to resolve things after anger has been displayed. It can be very powerful to show your kids that adults are just as fallible. Talking about one's anger and showing your daughter that she's not the cause of the anger is more valuable than walking around trying to be perfect. It also allows for one's own personal growth to be more organic.”

“As a woman who grew up with an angry dad, this is so on point ... I surely shut down and ran away from my dad emotionally after awhile ... I could barely make eye contact with my dad ... I always felt like he didn't love me and I felt unlovable for years, by him and other men ... It took God through prayer to show me that my dad was in his own pain and didn't know how to love, and I began to approach him differently and I know now it wasn't personal."

These stories highlight that:

1. Scars and wounds from a dad’s anger are real...and they’re lasting.

2. We have an opportunity to move forward through forgiveness to heal from our father wounds.

The reason I believe this video went VIRAL is because it resonated with people’s stories regarding their father’s anger, and this validated their experiences.  

Anger is our signal that we’ve been betrayed or violated. And if we don’t deal with those issues, we’ll spin around in anger and it will devour us while destroying relationships.

If you’re ready to begin looking at the roots of your anger to see what’s underneath, here are some suggestions about where to start:

1. When you notice your emotions intensifying, walk away to catch your breath and you’ll have a higher likelihood of responding later in a way that is congruent with your heart and love for those around you.

2. Realize that if you’re hitting an 8, 9 or 10 (on a 0 to 10 scale of intensity), it’s your own stuff that’s being activated, even if it feels like it’s the impact of what’s happening around you.

3. Ask yourself: When have I felt like this before? Go back to when you were young since it most likely started long ago. (For example: You may have a familiar feeling of being helpless, controlled, overpowered or disrespected). The current intensity may be tied to something in your history.

4. Allow Jesus, God or Truth to reveal to you any truths about who you are and what you need. (For example: I can ask for what I need now, I can leave and come back, I am worthy of being respected, loved and valued, etc.).

5. Be willing to ask forgiveness and make amends with those you’ve hurt.

6. Meet with a trusted friend or mentor and share your story while receiving support through the process. (One other option is to schedule an appointment with me where we can meet over Zoom to explore your anger and move toward resolution).

Dad, here’s my final challenge to you: Take one step today to be a courageous dad who models to your kids what it looks like to own your stuff, drop your anger, make amends, and walk in new ways.

This is how you can become the dad you want to be…and your kids need you to be.

Let’s keep the conversation going so we can see a new video go viral where kids and adults of all ages start posting powerful, positive stories of their lives changing for the better when their dads dropped their anger. Go Dads!

Dad, Let's Revisit the Anger Thing

Dad, you know I’m your ally.

I want to see you ‘hit it out of the ballpark’ as a dad to your daughter. I stand in alliance with you in acknowledging that your influence is powerful as you raise and release your healthy, empowered daughter into the world.

This means that anything that stands in the way of achieving that goal has to be addressed. 

There has to be change if anything---or anyone---is standing in the way of this happening. If that someone is you who is causing your daughter harm, then I encourage you to be honest so that course correction can take place. If you, as her father and primary influencer, are responding and behaving in ways that are counterproductive to seeing your daughter thrive, it’s time to address it, wouldn’t you agree?

Based on what I’m hearing, I want to revisit the topic of anger. 

I’ve addressed the destructive impact that a dad’s anger has on his daughter’s health and well-being. And based on over four decades of interacting and mentoring girls and young women, I will say it again: 

Anger is where so many girls and women carry the most hurt from their dads.

Stated otherwise, my goal is to help you understand what your daughter really wants from you, and I am seeking to lead you to look underneath your anger so you can uproot it.

Listen to the words of two young daughters who shared their true thoughts with me:

“I make my dad angry. Just the act of me breathing makes him angry. I’m the source of his anger and he has mentioned that I am on a few occasions. When my father gets frustrated with me I really let him have it---the cold shoulder, that is.”

“I’m sick of my dads moods and blow-ups. He corrupts peace in our home.
I want the dad back that used to hold me on his lap and make me feel balanced and stable.
Now I never know what I’m going to get from him. 
I can’t decide if I’m done with him…or not…because at the end of the day I love him.”

If those words aren’t touching your heart deeply, I invite you to read them again.

And though I talk more about this topic in my first book, “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart" in the chapter, “Getting Under the Anger,” here’s a short overview if you want to address what is happening underneath your anger responses:

Psychologists have often said there are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. I add that oftentimes the presenting emotion (a.k.a. anger) is NOT the primary driving emotion. Instead, anger often becomes the funnel through which other emotions are released.

This means that when you respond in anger, it’s worthwhile to ask yourself: What sad is under my mad?

• You might be sad that the little girl who used to run and jump into your arms is nowhere to be found

• You might be sad that your daughter is disrespecting you---or someone in your household

• You might be sad that there is disunity in your home and you can’t seem to get things under control

If you can tap into your sadness without dismissing it, I promise that your anger will begin to dissipate. You will balance out your mad feelings by connecting to your underlying sad feelings. 

As a result, you may cry or feel tight in your chest. You may need to punch a bag or go for a run to release your emotional intensity that’s surging through your body. Those are all good and healthy releases because you’re allowing your authentic emotion to lead the way.

And because your responses teach your daughter how to react to life’s challenges and conflicts, fears and failures, messes and mistakes, it’s vital that you find a way to temper your anger if you want her to do the same. 

This, in essence, means you have to work very hard at not reacting to her reaction. You have to respond first in the way you want to see her respond.

Give yourself time to calm down first. Then come back and talk things out or give discipline.

After all, God had a reason for saying, “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”
(Ephesians 6:4 MSG).

Your soft response is the quickest way to diffuse her fire. 

Your harsh response is the quickest way to pour fuel on her fire. 

If you’re ready to begin taking responsibility for your anger without excusing or blaming your daughter or circumstances, here’s my five-fold suggestion for proactive movement through the intensity of anger:

1. Calmly remove yourself from the stressful situation. (Do this in a non-abrupt, non-explosive way so that those around you aren’t traumatized by your intensity as you get to a place where you have space to de-escalate).

2. Breathe deeply while looking around at your surroundings. (Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, and end with 1 thing you are grateful for).

3. Give yourself a ‘time out’ as many minutes as your age. (If you’re 50, for example, you need to give yourself 50 minutes to calm your brain when it’s on fire---and if you can walk around, that will help even more because you’re activating the right and left hemispheres of your body in order to reduce and titrate the intensity you feel inside).

4. Pray. (If you’re in a place to speak out loud, it will help your spirit lead as you hear yourself talk to Jesus. Invite God’s presence and power to give you perspective as you vent to your Heavenly Father who promises to give wisdom if we ask for it—James 1:5).

5. Make amends while listening more than talking. (Go back to your daughter and ask how your response hurt her, then tell her you’re sorry without explanations or defensiveness, finishing with asking her to forgive you. Then honor her need for space to recover and rebuild trust).

I look forward to hearing stories from those of you who are ready to grow in new ways this year where you learn to listen to your anger while not letting it lead and take control.

After a Daughter Loses Her Dad

“I feel closer to my dad now that he’s gone. He used to joke with me and I’d burst into tears. Then he’d say I was too fragile and sensitive. But now he listens really well."

These are words shared with me from a woman who lost her dad just one year ago.

To honor his life, she went skiing on the anniversary of his death to remember and feel closer to him on the mountain where they used to ski together. She continued:

“I wish I would’ve had a chance to know him before he had all of his deep hurts and coping mechanisms. I got the parts of him when his threshold was maxed and then he’d blow. But I always knew there were tender parts of him that were his spirit.”

Such insightful and gracious words, to say the least. 

I wonder what her dad would say now if he could hear her sentiments. I believe he’d respond differently by kindly affirming her and seeking to understand her. 

We’re all aware that our time is limited.

We know there’s a beginning and an end to life here on earth. 

And the older we all get, the more we start looking in our rear view mirror to see there’s more behind us than ahead. 

Yet as hard as we try and imagine how we will be remembered after we’re gone, the reality is that it’s challenging to live every day as if it were our last.

But what a positive difference that awareness makes. 

That said, I want to share with you an email I received from a woman who also recently lost her dad.

Hi Michelle…I've never heard of you before yesterday. However, my dad died very suddenly 10 weeks ago at age 66 (the day before I turned 31). My mom passed me your book--Let's Talk. I didn't know he read your book, but the last 5 years of our relationship have been the best 5. He's shown his love in countless ways...sometimes for no reason. He was a very brilliant and quiet man. I did question his love at times growing up. We have had a sweet last 5 years. He helped me have the courage to buy my first home. He helped me fix it up and build furniture. We went on many dates. I am unsure what role your book played in his life, but I wanted to thank you for writing it. When he died--I had no doubts that he loved me. Glad he is home with his Heavenly Father. 

Although this is a bit of a somber post, my hope is that you’ll take away some powerful themes from the stories of these amazing women. Together they’re saying that the years of relational deposits from their dads have increased in value now that they’re gone. 

Every day that you’re still here is a day where you can positively and proactively invest in your daughter’s life, which makes it a better day than the last. 

I invite you to make a renewed commitment to activate these five things with your daughter, starting today:

1. Listen with more patience and grace 

2. Validate her unique wiring and personality

3. Set aside distractions in order to be fully present

4. Enjoy the distinctive things that make her unique…and tell her what they are!

5. Communicate with her today, telling her that you treasure her and love being her dad 

This is how your presence will remain active and alive in her when you’re no longer here to do and say these things. 

And this is what will empower her to stand alongside these other two women while joining them in saying she had no doubt that you--her dad--always loved her. 

The Day I Went to Prison

I went to prison last month. For real.

But just for one day.

And what I experienced on that Saturday in a maximum-security prison is something that will stay with me forever.

My hope is that you’ll be inspired and consequently be motivated to take action as a #girldad as you contrast and compare your story to the one I will share here.

Let me first give context.

I was invited to this prison experience alongside a group of people who have a passion for seeing recidivism decrease among inmates. They’ve discovered that a powerful path to accomplishing this goal is to bring dads and their kids together for one day in the hope that by uniting them there will be subsequent motivation for these men to take positive steps forward.

There was one particular dad-daughter pair that touched my heart so deeply that I have to tell you about them.

And for those of you who are a dad to a daughter, I trust that this powerful story will remind you to pursue her heart and tell her you love her every day while remembering that your freedom to do so is something that can easily be taken for granted.

To begin, imagine that you’re walking with me along a path in the middle of nowhere Mississippi on a dreary, rainy day. It’s mid-morning and as we move past the armed prison guards, we look up to see barbed-wire fences and buildings that look as worn and weary as the people who inhabit them. Together we walk through bullet-proof doors with multiple security cameras examining our every move, and we’re a bit apprehensive because we’re not fully sure what we’ll experience on the other side of the doors ahead. But we keep taking steps and walk into a gym that is the site for today’s event.

About 25 or 30 men are there, all dressed in prison garb with the word CONVICT in big, black, bold letters on the back of their shirts. Some of the inmates are seated in chairs in the middle of the room, nervously awaiting the arrival of their children while others are already reunited with their kids, laughing and playing games with them.

We walk around, smiling to cover up our discomfort as we say hello to the guys. Then we strike up a conversation with two men who eagerly share stories with us about their daughters. One has a 9-year old and the other tells us that today is the first time he will be meeting his 17-year old daughter. While speaking, that dad never takes his eyes off the main door as he anticipates her arrival.

We stand there taking it all in and when we turn our heads for a split second, we realize that he’s bolted out of his seat. We scan the room to find him at the front door, embracing his teenage daughter for the first time in her life…and his.

From across the room it’s clear that this dad is taking the initiative to connect with his daughter in an embrace that he’s no doubt anticipated for years. Everyone witnessing this moment has tears filling their eyes as we realize this sacred exchange is unfolding in real time before us.

At first glance, this looks like a Hallmark movie as this dad and his estranged daughter unite. But that’s not the whole story.

The reality (as we will later learn) is that when this young woman was being driven to the facility with her mom, she was shaking in fear, crying, and saying she didn’t want to do this after all. It was just too scary. Yet there she was, walking into her fear, courageously stepping into the unknown.

Without knowing any of that, her dad stepped up and stepped in to communicate through his hug that he was glad to meet her and thankful she came. He took the initiative to take the first steps to let her know she had value and worth to him.

Throughout the day, you and I discreetly watch them and notice they never move around the room to play any of the games. Instead, they sit side by side, both looking straight ahead most of the time. Often they aren’t talking at all, but somehow despite visible awkwardness, they stay at it.

Though we as volunteers have been instructed not to ask questions, we wonder about their backstory. We wonder what crime this dad committed that led him here and wonder how much longer he’ll be in this prison.

Yet despite all that we don’t know, there is one thing we do know: Both of them faced their fears and demonstrated courage with the end goal of connecting.

If you’re still okay walking alongside me as you picture this scenario in your mind’s eye, I want you now to hear and see what happens next. This is when the best moment of all begins to unfold.

We walk up to them at the end of the day when this dad happens to be telling his daughter the story of all of us talking earlier when she initially came through the door. Right then another leader asks us to join in praying for them.

Because I’ve read the research and believe in the power of safe touch between a dad and his daughter, as well as having noticed they hadn’t had any physical contact all day, I lead the way by saying, “let’s hold hands as we pray.” We all join hands and the prayers begin.

Then I knew it was time to call this dad into leading by example.

I look at him and say, “Now it’s your turn to pray for your daughter.” I wasn’t sure how he’d respond since I didn’t have any details about his faith background, but was overjoyed when he immediately began to pray out loud. Though I couldn’t hear all of what he said, I did hear the part where he prayed that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes he has made.

That’s when she began to cry.

I could tell that he didn’t know what to do so I coached him to put his arm around her. And he did. Right then she leans her head into her dad’s chest and her tears flow even more freely. I say to her, “Let out your tears, baby, because this is how your heart will heal.”

I’ll always remember that moment when a dad’s prayer over his teenage daughter opened the floodgates of her emotions as she heard her dad’s love expressed through an unrehearsed genuine prayer.

I was reminded anew that a dad doesn’t have to know how to pray in order to actually pray for his daughter. All he has to do is open his mouth and ask God to move in ways that align with what is on his heart for her.

Yes, bad choices and prison walls kept this dad from reaching his daughter’s heart and life for 17 years. But on this day he faced her and embraced her.

Dad, you don’t need to spend a day in prison to be reminded that you have the freedom to lead and love your daughter boldly.

So the question I ask you is: What’s your reason for letting one more day go by without facing, embracing, talking, praying, and telling your daughter how much you love her and why you do.

I know there’s one incarcerated dad who would trade places with you in a heartbeat just to have the ability to do all of that freely today.

How NOT to Make it Worse When Your Daughter is Grieving a Loss

Dad, you may have been raised in a family where showing emotions like sadness or fear weren’t tolerated, especially for boys. Perhaps you heard messages like, “real men don’t cry” because “only sissies show weakness.”

Sadly, as a result of this type of conditioning, there are too many men who don’t know how to truly connect to their emotions and have never learned how to release any feeling other than anger. (If this is you, I highly recommend a fantastic book by my good friend Marc Alan Schelske titled The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-Given Purpose and Power of Your Emotions.)

Yet because daughters have a unique way of reaching their dads’ hearts, I’ve observed that men are easily inspired to go to greater depths within themselves in order to connect with their girls, often to places they didn’t even know they were capable of going. And since girls and women tend to respond best to softer emotions, a daughter unwittingly leads the way for her dad to expand his emotional bandwidth just for her.

And because the strongest bond any of us can ever have with another person is called a trauma bond, as you enter into your daughter’s grief process with her, a deeper, lasting bond is forming.

When it comes to walking alongside your daughter through such painful life experiences as loss and death, the best gift you can give her is to stay with her through her emotional process. This kind of response communicates that you’re in it with her for as long as it takes to express all her tears, fears, and questions.

For most people, grief doesn’t have an expiration date, so this is all about pacing with her through the entirety of the process according to her time frame.

If you find yourself wanting your daughter to get over her sadness quickly because it increases your distress to see her in pain, remember that your goal is to provide a safe space for her to emote and talk about her grief.

This will set her on the pathway to healing while simultaneously deepening her attachment to you.

And don’t ever tell her not to feel what she’s feeling and never give her the message that she’s weak for crying.

Even if you don’t understand all that she’s feeling (in power and duration), if you remain cognizant of the fact that you don’t need to fix her or take away her pain, you’ll discover that your presence with her in her sadness is a forever gift.

I’m attaching a list of questions here that will help you lead the way in giving your daughter permission to open up to you about her feelings of loss and grief---whether it’s the death of a loved one (a person or pet), not getting a job promotion, not making the team, or ending a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, to name a few.

And whether you know it or not, your shoulders were made for this kind of heavy lifting.

So with a bit of practice, you’ll get stronger and more adept at entering into the tough stuff with your daughter. I’ll even go as far as saying that by carrying her load with her through asking questions that allow her to express what’s inside and actively listening, you’ll help decrease the negative intensity of her experience by 50%.

Now that’s a worthy use of your time and energy, wouldn’t you say? Go Dad!

How To Survive Father's Day When You Hate The Day

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I hate Father’s Day"?

If you’re taking the time to read this blog, you’re probably one of many who’ll be holding their breath this weekend as you wish there was no such thing as a holiday that honors, highlights, and heralds fathers.

For you, that actually might be putting it way too mildly.

Your story might be one where you hate Father’s Day because you feel a heavy weight of emotions (that you may or may not be in touch with, but they’re under the surface, nonetheless) as you experience the intense nuances of this day.

Now you might be wondering why I’ve taken a turn from my usual stance of empowering and equipping dads in order to write from this vantage point. It’s because this is the side of fathering where real pain lives and this is the real place where your story needs to be acknowledged. At least to yourself.

The reason I’m writing to those of you who dread Father’s Day is because I love dads. At first glance that might not make sense. So let me be more specific.

I love healed and whole dads.
I love dads who are imperfect and admit it without hiding, excusing, shaming or blaming.
I love dads who are humble and willing to disclose weakness.
I love dads who are vulnerable, who say they’re sorry, and make amends.
I love dads who intentionally express love every day to their daughters and sons.
And I love dads who count it a privilege and a responsibility to help build a bridge to God as Father for their kids.

The bottom line is that I want to see fathers step up and take action by doing their own work. If not for themselves, at least for the sake of their daughters and sons.

All of this goes along with the fact that as a licensed professional counselor, I’ve devoted the last 30-plus years to walking alongside brave individuals who admit they have pain and then ask for help. I long for the day when healing and wholeness become top priorities for everyone, especially fathers. This translates to men being courageous enough to look within, to address their inner world, and to honestly face the impact all of it has on their relationships.

I’m writing today with great empathy for those of you who didn’t have a father who was willing or able to do those things. Thus, by default, you'd rather ignore this day as it serves as an annual reminder that your dad didn’t do his healing work and inflicted his woundedness onto you.

Sadly, I believe a large sector of our society has denied the impact of their childhood experiences on their current ways of living. Many have even chosen to live a duplicitous life and dissociated from their pain. Consequently, they’ve normalized their ways of responding and interacting, and have adjusted their decisions, choices and relationships accordingly. Because they’ve carried their emotional and relational pain into adulthood, they often end up transferring their unhealed wounds onto their kids and those around them.

On this Father’s Day if you feel triggered, overwhelmed, flooded, angered, saddened, and/or confused because your dad abandoned you, abused, neglected, rejected or harmed you in some way, I want you to know that I’m very sorry you’ve been hurt. And I implore you to hold to this truth: this is your dad’s stuff and not yours, even though he projected it onto you and now you’re left to deal with the impact.

I also want you to know that healing is possible. But you have to be willing to do the hard work.

If you’re ready to begin moving towards healing, I offer this four-step strategy if Father’s Day is one of the worst days of your year.

1. FEEL IT.
I love the adage, “what you don’t feel, can’t heal.” Start by acknowledging your real emotions about your dad (whether he’s deceased or alive, because we all know that a father’s imprint stays alive inside us forever). The flip side is that if you try and ignore your uncomfortable or negative feelings, you’ll most likely discover that your responses will come out another portal, such as overreacting, overcompensation, or overindulgence in other areas.

2. WRITE IT.
This is a common practice I use with my counseling clients that allows for honest, raw expression of what is inside. Let your pen on paper or fingers on keyboard flow freely as you tell your dad what you’ve never been able to say before----about your sadness, anger, fear or confusion. Try not to allow your internal critic to filter or qualify your words. You want to write as if you’re not giving the letter to him because the benefit to you is just getting it out.

3. TELL IT.
Now it’s time to share your story with a trusted friend or confidant. There is power in having a safe witness to your pain. More times than not, I’ve seen that it’s easier for all of us to minimize, normalize, and discount the profound impact that our family of origin is having on our current responses and functioning. Therein lies the significance of telling our stories to another person who can listen and validate while providing an outside perspective.

I realize this takes a big dose of courage to “share family secrets” or “air dirty laundry” outside of your family system. But I’ve seen the personal benefit to those who do this as they open the vault and vent to a confidential source. Reach out to someone and set up a time to talk before you change your mind.

4. RELEASE IT.
This is the most challenging step in our journey to healing. Of course it’s easier said than done to let go of father wounds (what your dad did do) or father voids (what he didn’t do), which is why I’ve placed this one last.

This step is about letting go of the hurts or any vengeance you hold against your dad. This is another way of saying that you’re willing to move towards forgiveness. I actually wrote my doctoral dissertation on forgiveness and spent over a year basking in the research on this subject. What I learned and found helpful is that:

• forgiveness is a process, not a single event.

• forgiveness isn’t tolerating inexcusable behavior

• forgiveness isn’t forgetting or justifying events or actions.

• forgiveness doesn’t mean there has to be reconciliation.

• forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself as you choose to stop rehearsing the hurt and release the grudge.

I believe that forgiveness often doesn’t hold long term because there hasn’t first been a thorough understanding of the depth of the injuries nor an evaluation of the ways those injuries have taken shape throughout our lifespan. It’s important to assess and honor our internal injuries in the same way a medical doctor assesses, diagnoses, and treats physical injuries.

This is why steps 1-3 above are vital to the process of dealing with father issues before the forgiveness process begins. Then you’ll be ready to start releasing the pain through feeling your feelings, writing a letter to your dad, sharing your story, and then handing everything over to God who says “vengeance is mine, I will repay” (Romans 12:19).

This is how you will make great strides toward healing so that you can be free. Your load will be lighter and you won’t have to carry it alone.

My hope is that by doing these four steps, you’ll not just survive Father’s Day this year, but that you’ll thrive today and in the days ahead.

7 Questions Dads Should Ask Their Daughters to Help Them Process the Texas Shooting

If you’re a dad who has felt overwhelmed this week about how to address the massacre in Uvalde, Texas with your kids, you’re not alone.

Tom is a dad to four young daughters and today he wrote and asked, “If you could give us dads any suggestions on how we should talk to our daughters about the shooting in Texas, we’ll take any advice we can get.”

I celebrate dads like Tom who are proactive in seeking to be a safe place for your daughters to process this tragedy that is out of their control and has most likely increased their anxiety.

Yet in the midst of crises, here’s a truth that prompts us to action.

Did you know that when we talk out and release the heaviness we hold inside, we actually “trauma bond” with those who enter into the trenches with us? And a trauma bond is the strongest bond two people can have.

This means that you have an opportunity right now to connect and attach even more with your daughter as you invite her to talk, grieve, feel, and heal…with you.

I want to highlight that there’s no right way or easy way to have a sobering conversation about why a deranged 18-year old shooter would commit a random act of violence that senselessly ended the lives of 19 kids and two teachers. Yet I also want to say that some conversation is better than no conversation. Your home should be the place where you as a family can wrestle through the hard topics that don’t necessarily have a precise answer.

Let me say it another way: The way you process the hard stuff matters more than explaining why the hard stuff happens. You don’t need to have all the answers, but by initiating and entering into this heavy topic with her, you give your daughter permission to process openly.

And the best gift you can give her is to stay with her through the entirety of her emotional process. This kind of response communicates that you’re in it with her for as long as it takes to express all her tears, fears, and questions. Expect her to be extra sensitive right now, often in other areas of her life, since it’s common for kids to vent their emotions through another portal rather than where the emotion or pain is actually rooted.

Dad, if you want to open up a conversation with your daughter about how she’s processing the Texas shooting, I suggest spending one-on-one time with your girls individually. This will let each one know that you really care about what she is experiencing.

Here’s a way you could say it: “Hi honey…I know how hard this week has been for you since hearing about the senseless shooting of innocent kids and teachers in Texas. As your dad, I’ve felt the heaviness too. And I’ve learned that when we put words to our feelings, it helps us move forward and heal because we’re connecting with those who walk with us through the hard stuff while helping us feel less alone and overwhelmed. Would you be willing to talk with me as I ask questions that invite you to share more about what you’re carrying in your heart?”

1. What has been the scariest part of hearing about the mass shooting of 19 kids and two teachers this week?
[Your daughter needs to know that it’s normal for her to feel heightened fear right now. And without making light of the deaths of 21 people, let her know that these are rare occurrences and it’s highly unlikely to happen to her. She needs you to validate her fear while assuring her of your presence and availability, reminding her that she’s safe now. You could also give her one of your shirts to hold onto so she feels you near her.]

2. What makes you sad as you think about the lives that were lost?
[Your daughter needs to be given permission to grieve and cry---even if her tears are only on the inside---so that her pain has a release. Let her know that our tears have salt in them and salt is a healing agent. So when we cry, our hurting hearts heal. Tell her about how your heart is sad too.]

3. What about this horrific tragedy makes you angry?
[Be aware that internalized unexpressed anger often leads to depression. So by encouraging your daughter to give voice to her anger over wrongdoings, evil and injustice, you help to support and strengthen her mental and emotional health.]

4. If you could say anything to the shooter right now, what would you say?
[Let your daughter freely express to you the gambit of words and feelings inside her---in whatever way she needs to express them---because this helps to counter any potential for numbness, disconnection or apathy.]

5. If you could compassionately say anything to the families or friends of those who died, what would you say?
[By asking your daughter this question, you are teaching her how to hold more than one reality simultaneously----she can tap into her anger at this injustice while also holding empathy. If your daughter is young, she could draw a picture as a gift to express love to the survivors.]

6. If you could ask or tell God anything about this situation, what would it be?
[Your daughter may blame God for this tragedy because He didn’t stop the shooter. She may struggle to understand how a loving God could allow bad things to happen to good people. Let her know that you don’t have these answers, but have faith to believe that God will walk through this valley of the shadow of death with them. Pray together for the families and friends who lost loved ones and ask for supernatural comfort for their grieving hearts. For younger girls, they could draw a picture of their prayer or wish.]

7. What do you need from me right now to feel comforted, supported, and loved?
[Your daughter may need extra hugs or she might need extra space. She may enjoy being closer to you as you share a meal or just get coffee. Others might want to work out the intensity through physical activity, such as a long walk, bike ride or hike with you while others might value a hand-written note to let her know you treasure her.]

Dad, as your daughter reflects on the lives that were lost, she will always remember that you were here in real time…with her. I assure you that she will cherish your warmth and kindness as you listen to her, care about her hurting hurt, and hold this sacred space…with her.

So let the talking…and empathizing…begin.

3 Ways a Dad Can Calm His Daughter's Anxiety

Anxiety is a common thing. We all experience it in differing amounts depending on our comfort level in various situations, ranging from unsettledness before a dental procedure to the surge of emotion we feel when pulled over by a police officer as the siren blasts and lights flash.

As a mental health clinician, I’ve been addressing anxiety as a typical stressor in my clients' lives for over 27 years. Some people describe feeling anxious as being caught in a strangle hold that suffocates and doesn’t let go. Others say it’s like having a heavy weight on their chest. And when you add in the accompanying recurring intrusive thoughts with anticipation of future threat, coupled with physical symptoms such as a rapid heartbeat, sweating, nausea, dizziness, and trembling, you can see why this all-encompassing intense reality doesn’t have a quick fix.

Speaking from personal experience, I started dealing with debilitating anxiety around the age of 8 or 9 that resulted in avoiding sleepovers with friends, not going to summer camp because I didn’t want to be away from home, and fainting in a doctor’s office when told that I might need to be hospitalized if my fever didn’t break by morning. Yet back in the 60’s no one called it anxiety; instead, it was simply called “fear.” Sadly for me, I believed that my fear was a sin so I felt shame that I wasn’t allowing God to win my emotional battles.

I wish I knew then what I know now, which is that anxiety is a normal physiological response to stress. Anxiety is an alert system in our body that tells us we need to attend to something when that thing or a person doesn’t make us feel safe or secure.

I wish I knew then what I know now about the effectiveness of lowering anxiety through dietary changes, exercise, even medication.

And one other thing I wish I knew then that I know now is that resolution doesn’t come by just simply pushing through it, trying to ignore it, or even quoting Scripture verses. Yes, these proactive strategies can be helpful, but typically they aren’t effective until one’s body experiences calm and peace (a.k.a., return to homeostasis/equilibrium) before activating these resources. That’s where it helps to have someone in our corner with us when we’re overwhelmed.

A recent study in JAMA Pediatrics (Journal of American Medical Association) reported that between 2016 and 2020, there was a 29% increase in youth anxiety with eight million American kids noted as suffering from anxiety. I believe these numbers are low due to the kids who are unaccounted for in these reports. I would easily say we could double these numbers.

For you as a dad who wants to better understand your daughter, it could be beneficial to know (and perhaps share with her) that we have a national organization called the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, which reveals something about the current distressed state of our fellow citizens. They claim that:

• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health condition in our country.

• Women are twice as likely to be affected by anxiety disorders than men.

• Girls between the ages of 10 and 18 are more prone to anxiety disorders, most presumably because of hormonal changes.

I love this quote by Dr. Margo Maine where she says that “statistics are people with the tears wiped away.”

This leads me to ask: Is your daughter one of those people represented in these stats on anxiety?

If you’ve never talked to her about it, now is the time.

As a man of action who is ready to help calm your daughter’s anxiety, here’s your three-fold strategy for making that happen:

1. Listen.

This is where she talks and you listen. Even more, this is where you ask questions that allow her to process what’s going on inside her, things she may not even realize are weighing her down. This isn’t the time for lectures, criticism, or course correction. Instead, start with giving her a safe place to land by creating a compassionate space for her to vent and express.

[I’ve attached a set of questions here that you can use to open up a conversation on what’s making her feel anxious. These are from my latest book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and here’s a link to buy it to keep the dialogue with your daughter going strong -- https://amzn.to/3fDAhZd]

2. Hug.

Especially during stressful times, find a way to give your daughter hugs so she feels wrapped in your safe arms when she’s overwhelmed with life. And this isn’t just my opinion; it’s actually backed up by research, which states that when we give or receive a hug it releases oxytocin in our brains, an antidote to the effect of cortisol, the stress hormone.

3. Write.

Quick story: Today in a counseling session an adult woman read me a love note her dad wrote her when she was in college and it brought tears to her eyes as she read it. This story is all the more powerful because she lost him only a few months ago. Now his written words carry even more meaning. I watched the smile on her face shine brighter as she held her dads words in her hands. Take time today to put your love into written form (a text is great, but a note in your handwriting is even better) to let your daughter know you care, you’re praying for her, believing in her, and in her cheering section.

I believe that anxiety immediately decreases by at least fifty percent when someone steps into our distressed space with us.

Dad, you were made with broad shoulders and as you get close to your daughter during her intense times such that she feels your support (even if she’s extra emotional and extra reactive…especially to you), you give her a forever gift because she’ll always remember that you were in her emotional storm with her.

What a Dad's Tears Tell His Daughter (Guest Blog By Randell Turner, Ph.D.)

[Today I have invited a fellow counselor and father mentor to share his thoughts on the power of a dad’s “allergies”—a.k.a. tears—in his daughter’s life. Being a dad of two daughters, I trust that his insights will positively impact the way you view tears.]

Like most men in America, I get uncomfortable when someone begins to cry. Be it one of my daughters, a close friend, or even watching someone cry in a movie or on television?

Why is it like that for most men?

For me, it had a lot to do with how I was raised—who my heroes and mentors were growing up. I learned early that the men I admired didn’t cry. After all, James Bond, Dirty Harry, or the Duke didn’t cry, and neither did any “real men,” like my father.

Nor did my sports role models, like Alan Page, Jack Lambert, Mean Joe Greene, and Mike Singletary. These legendary gridiron heroes of my generation were tough as nails. Every Sunday, I cheered each punishing tackle these men inflicted upon their opponents. All the while, it shaped my view of how a real man is supposed to act and feel: tough, powerful, in control, never showing weakness to anyone, no matter how much it hurts.

But life does hurt, sometimes profoundly.

Yet as little boys, we are taught not to shed tears early on. We heard frequent phrases like, “Get up! You’re not hurt; brush it off,” or “Big boys don’t cry,” or one of the most influential childhood quotes: “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

As a result, we grow up embracing the mantra, “NEVER let them see you cry!” And so we don’t.

As a matter of fact, as young men, especially during our teen years, we often take pride in not crying.

We’ve adopted the view that tears are feminine, a sign of weakness; therefore, they become very uncomfortable. Furthermore, the mentoring men in our lives tended to only express tears at funerals or on rare special occasions like at a daughter’s wedding. Therefore, tears were relegated to infrequent and often confusing emotional expressions.

Year after year, we have stuffed our true feelings into the deep self-made dungeons until only a national crisis will breach its guarded gate.

Unfortunately, we didn’t realize that “unshed tears become a stagnant pool that pollutes our soul.” As a result, now we know that stuffing our emotions has detrimental effects on relationships, especially with our wives and children.

Moreover, it keeps us from being honest with ourselves and others. We often mask our hurt and potential tears with anger because anger helps us keep a lid on our emotions, maintain “manly” control, and allow us to stifle any tear.

But it doesn’t have to and shouldn’t be that way.

Not that we need to become a bunch of blubbering basket cases, but we do need to be courageous enough to express our true feelings to our family and those closest to us.

Tears represent the heart and the essence of what makes us human. To put a lock and key on our emotions is to bury a crucial part of who we are.

When we don’t allow ourselves to dig deep into our emotions, it robs our relationships of true intimacy and growth born out of shared feelings.

The tears shed by our wives and children, and especially those of our daughters, represent and express:

• A crucial part of who they are

• A truly transparent heart

• Happiness, frustration, hurt, connection, learning, attachment, broken hearts, joy, and emotional overload

The language of tears is often saying: “I need you to stop and spend some time with me,” “Share this moment with me,” or “Don’t feel like you have to fix anything, just hold me while my heart heals.”

That is the truth that our tears tell; they represent the heart’s most profound thoughts and feelings.

That’s the truth I challenge all men, young and old, to embrace.

Even if your daughters don’t know how to tell you this directly, they want you to share your heart’s thoughts and feelings. Not just on special occasions and not necessarily every day, but consistently, honestly, and openly in our homes. Allow this honest expression of emotion to draw you closer to your daughters; stop burying an essential part of who you are.

Learning a new language is challenging, but well worth the work. Learning the language of tears can bring you closer to your daughter, as well as your family, spouse, and all of your children.

And it can help you be more honest with yourself. Every challenge has its risks, but with great risk also comes great reward. Are you courageous enough to embrace this challenge? I hope so, and so do your daughters.

Randell Turner, Ph.D. is an author, counselor, and a pioneer in the men’s and fatherhood movement. He has dedicated over 20 years in working with men who feel broken, rejected, isolated, and lonely because of their struggles with “intimacy ignorance.” Randell lives in Wisconsin and has two daughters and seven grandchildren. For more information, check out his website: TransformingFamilies.org.