Are You an Overcomer Dad?

Over the years I’ve often asked dads who have partnered with me once a month for nine months (in The Abba Project) this question: Why are you giving your valuable time and energy to be here, willing to learn skills to better pursue your daughter’s heart, all while being pressed to engage in areas outside your comfort zone? 

Without exception, here is the essence of what every dad says:

“Because I love my daughter.” 

I believe you’re answering that question the same way or you wouldn’t be reading this blog (or listening to The Dad Whisperer Podcast or reading my dad-daughter books). 

Here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours: No matter what hand you were dealt from your father regarding what it looks like to be an engaged dad, you can choose now to be engaged and be the dad your daughter needs.

You’ll appreciate hearing what one fathering expert has to say on the matter (a man who is now my husband and someone I’ve admired and quoted for over a decade). Here are the words of Dr. Ken Canfield in The Heart of a Father: 

It may surprise you to learn that, in one bit of research at the National Center for Fathering, we discovered that a man’s relationship with his father is not the most significant predictor of his current relationship with his children. In other words, a painful past is certainly an influence, but not the “silver bullet.” Your commitment to become a dad of destiny can displace the negative effects resulting from a poor relationship with your dad. You can join the distinguished ranks of the “overcomer dads.”

I love that term, overcomer dads.

Let me be more specific. An overcomer dad is one who:

• Steps up even if your dad wasn’t a positive role model to show you how to be a great father

• Knows that it’s never too late to start “kicking things up a notch” with your daughter

• Learns from other dads while being willing to ask questions and ask for help

• Commits to being a strong, engaged father who leads your daughter well, even when it’s hard and she makes you work for it

• Doesn’t give up even if and/or when she pushes you away

• Initiates spending individual, quality time with your daughter, knowing this is how she’ll feel valuable and loved

• Pursues your daughter’s heart consistently because you know she’ll carry your love deep inside throughout her lifespan

• Finds creative ways to motivate her to reach her goals (not just yours) while she feels your unconditional support regardless of her performance

• Demonstrates patience with her even when she blows it or is hard to love

• Communicates love, affirmation and belief in your daughter regardless of whether she seems to soak it in

• Directs his daughter to connect to God as her Father with a goal to build a solid bridge to the One who will never leave her or forsake her

Dad, you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being, and your presence in her life matters — big time. So if you’ve ever received a message to the contrary or doubted your value as a father, let’s turn that around now.

It is my utmost joy and honor to join forces with you as you fiercely pursue the heart of your daughter.

By doing so, you’ll join the ranks of overcomer dads.

The Day I Went to Prison

I went to prison last month. For real.

But just for one day.

And what I experienced on that Saturday in a maximum-security prison is something that will stay with me forever.

My hope is that you’ll be inspired and consequently be motivated to take action as a #girldad as you contrast and compare your story to the one I will share here.

Let me first give context.

I was invited to this prison experience alongside a group of people who have a passion for seeing recidivism decrease among inmates. They’ve discovered that a powerful path to accomplishing this goal is to bring dads and their kids together for one day in the hope that by uniting them there will be subsequent motivation for these men to take positive steps forward.

There was one particular dad-daughter pair that touched my heart so deeply that I have to tell you about them.

And for those of you who are a dad to a daughter, I trust that this powerful story will remind you to pursue her heart and tell her you love her every day while remembering that your freedom to do so is something that can easily be taken for granted.

To begin, imagine that you’re walking with me along a path in the middle of nowhere Mississippi on a dreary, rainy day. It’s mid-morning and as we move past the armed prison guards, we look up to see barbed-wire fences and buildings that look as worn and weary as the people who inhabit them. Together we walk through bullet-proof doors with multiple security cameras examining our every move, and we’re a bit apprehensive because we’re not fully sure what we’ll experience on the other side of the doors ahead. But we keep taking steps and walk into a gym that is the site for today’s event.

About 25 or 30 men are there, all dressed in prison garb with the word CONVICT in big, black, bold letters on the back of their shirts. Some of the inmates are seated in chairs in the middle of the room, nervously awaiting the arrival of their children while others are already reunited with their kids, laughing and playing games with them.

We walk around, smiling to cover up our discomfort as we say hello to the guys. Then we strike up a conversation with two men who eagerly share stories with us about their daughters. One has a 9-year old and the other tells us that today is the first time he will be meeting his 17-year old daughter. While speaking, that dad never takes his eyes off the main door as he anticipates her arrival.

We stand there taking it all in and when we turn our heads for a split second, we realize that he’s bolted out of his seat. We scan the room to find him at the front door, embracing his teenage daughter for the first time in her life…and his.

From across the room it’s clear that this dad is taking the initiative to connect with his daughter in an embrace that he’s no doubt anticipated for years. Everyone witnessing this moment has tears filling their eyes as we realize this sacred exchange is unfolding in real time before us.

At first glance, this looks like a Hallmark movie as this dad and his estranged daughter unite. But that’s not the whole story.

The reality (as we will later learn) is that when this young woman was being driven to the facility with her mom, she was shaking in fear, crying, and saying she didn’t want to do this after all. It was just too scary. Yet there she was, walking into her fear, courageously stepping into the unknown.

Without knowing any of that, her dad stepped up and stepped in to communicate through his hug that he was glad to meet her and thankful she came. He took the initiative to take the first steps to let her know she had value and worth to him.

Throughout the day, you and I discreetly watch them and notice they never move around the room to play any of the games. Instead, they sit side by side, both looking straight ahead most of the time. Often they aren’t talking at all, but somehow despite visible awkwardness, they stay at it.

Though we as volunteers have been instructed not to ask questions, we wonder about their backstory. We wonder what crime this dad committed that led him here and wonder how much longer he’ll be in this prison.

Yet despite all that we don’t know, there is one thing we do know: Both of them faced their fears and demonstrated courage with the end goal of connecting.

If you’re still okay walking alongside me as you picture this scenario in your mind’s eye, I want you now to hear and see what happens next. This is when the best moment of all begins to unfold.

We walk up to them at the end of the day when this dad happens to be telling his daughter the story of all of us talking earlier when she initially came through the door. Right then another leader asks us to join in praying for them.

Because I’ve read the research and believe in the power of safe touch between a dad and his daughter, as well as having noticed they hadn’t had any physical contact all day, I lead the way by saying, “let’s hold hands as we pray.” We all join hands and the prayers begin.

Then I knew it was time to call this dad into leading by example.

I look at him and say, “Now it’s your turn to pray for your daughter.” I wasn’t sure how he’d respond since I didn’t have any details about his faith background, but was overjoyed when he immediately began to pray out loud. Though I couldn’t hear all of what he said, I did hear the part where he prayed that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes he has made.

That’s when she began to cry.

I could tell that he didn’t know what to do so I coached him to put his arm around her. And he did. Right then she leans her head into her dad’s chest and her tears flow even more freely. I say to her, “Let out your tears, baby, because this is how your heart will heal.”

I’ll always remember that moment when a dad’s prayer over his teenage daughter opened the floodgates of her emotions as she heard her dad’s love expressed through an unrehearsed genuine prayer.

I was reminded anew that a dad doesn’t have to know how to pray in order to actually pray for his daughter. All he has to do is open his mouth and ask God to move in ways that align with what is on his heart for her.

Yes, bad choices and prison walls kept this dad from reaching his daughter’s heart and life for 17 years. But on this day he faced her and embraced her.

Dad, you don’t need to spend a day in prison to be reminded that you have the freedom to lead and love your daughter boldly.

So the question I ask you is: What’s your reason for letting one more day go by without facing, embracing, talking, praying, and telling your daughter how much you love her and why you do.

I know there’s one incarcerated dad who would trade places with you in a heartbeat just to have the ability to do all of that freely today.

How the Quinceañera Teaches Fathers to Celebrate Their Daughters

In celebration of my upcoming Spanish translation of Let's Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, I’m sharing with you a heartwarming story I read awhile back that was tucked on the back page of a small-town newspaper. It was about a traditional Latino celebration as told through the eyes of a father. It was only after reading the article that I realized it was actually written by his daughter! This indicates to me that she got to feel and hear what her big event was like for him…at a heart level.

Clearly this dad’s love for his daughter is evident as he shares his perspective on the biggest day in his 15-year old daughter’s life, her Quinceañera, as it officially marked her leaving childhood behind while publicly embracing womanhood.

Though I’ve never attended a Quinceañera, this story makes me wish I had. I’m truly in awe of the precision to detail, preparation, planning, and investment of time and money that went into one single day for a teenage girl. What a forever gift she was given by her family! And similar to that of a wedding day, the focus is centered on a single “flower” who blossoms in front of all who come to celebrate only her. Even in the written story I could feel the incredible love that was poured over her, especially from her father, as four main events represented her transition from little girl to grown woman:

1. The changing of her shoes from flats to heels

2. Her dance with her last doll

3. Her crowning with a tiara

4. The dance with her father (which is said to be the most important part of the entire event)

Photography by Martin Muriel Fotografo, 2019. Full gallery available here.

It was so touching to see a picture of the dad kneeling at the feet of his daughter, removing her flat shoes while slipping onto her feet a pair of heels, as if she was a princess at the ball. In response to this interaction dad says,

“Seeing her walk in heels was probably what made it all real for me. She hadn’t worn heels because she wasn’t supposed to, so seeing her stumble around and try to find her balance was just reminding me that she was going to struggle on her road ahead and she was going to have to make herself stable again on her own.”

And there was dad, nearby, waiting in the wings, ready to catch her if she did indeed fall.

Dad continued by explaining how emotional it was for him to see his daughter laughing and smiling while dancing in her sparkling dress holding her favorite doll. He found himself reminiscing about how it seemed like only yesterday that she was playing with Barbies. It had gone by so fast and now here she was all grown up. Yet as her dad, he was filled with joy as he proudly showed her off to everyone.

Reading this story made me wonder what it would be like if every branch of society took a cue from cultures where dads actively celebrate and mark their daughter’s maturation in some kind of significant way.

And what if dads everywhere found a way to let their maturing daughters know they are dialed in, present, and on board as she transitions into and embraces womanhood?

I wonder what would happen if every girl, like the one in this article, knew that she had a day marked out for her where her dad treated her like the belle of the ball in a significant and celebratory way to confirm that she has profound value in his eyes. She would have that day and that event to look forward to long before it took place.

And if a big shindig isn’t your daughter’s style, maybe…

• You could take her on a dad-daughter hike to a beautiful place in your state initiating a new annual tradition that celebrates her love of adventure and nature

• She would enjoy a dinner party hosted at a restaurant with a few family and/or friends where you could surprise her by writing and reading a letter about what gifts you see in her that make you proud of her

• You could have a fancy dinner at home where you read her a handwritten letter while the rest of the family listens, ending with a dance in the living room to a pre-selected song

• She would like a piece of special jewelry that will remind her every time she wears it that she’s your girl and you love her to pieces

• She loves risk-taking that activates her adrenaline while proving to herself that she’s brave, like bungee jumping, scuba diving, climbing a rock wall, or running a half marathon and you can celebrate together in that way

These are just a few ideas to hopefully spur your creativity and motivate you to plan ahead by creating an event to let your daughter know that you are excited to see your little girl grow up. Share your ideas with her and together decide what would have the most meaning to her. And if she’s already grown, you can do still do this in retrospect; she’ll still love the fact that you’re celebrating her now.

Dad, let’s start with practical steps. Connect with your daughter today---through your written, texted, or spoken words---and let her know that you celebrate the girl and woman she is. She’ll shine inside and out as you honor her today!

And just for fun, here's a video of an adorable dad-daughter Quinceañera dance where the two made this moment completely their own:

Teaching Your Daughter to Stand Up to You (Guest Blog by Jim Jackson)

Today's guest blog is written by Jim Jackson, co-founder of Connected Families and co-author of Discipline that Connects with Your Child's Heart with his wife Lynne Jackson. Their ministry and overall mission is to inspire and equip parents with resources such as online courses, podcasts, and more in light of real-life circumstances. I hope that Jim's story of his daughter touches your heart today.
~ Dr. Michelle

Early in life it became clear that my little girl, Bethany, loved pleasing people. If what she wanted was not what others wanted, she'd give in to the energy of whomever it was she was eager to please. This is a great trait when obedience to a parent was the issue, but not so great when it came to standing up for herself on the playground. For a short season I would figuratively pat myself on the back whenever Bethany quickly and willingly did what I asked. What a great parent I was! Or not.

Maybe the way kids respond to our parenting is not as much about our great (or not so great) parenting as it is about the combination of their personality, developmental stage, and in Bethany's case, fear of disappointing.

As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that in order to keep the peace and please people, Bethany would say yes to things that it might be best for her to say no to. For example, her grandma used to love to give Bethany a big kiss every time she saw her. Not just any kiss, but a big sloppy wet kiss. I knew that Bethany hated how this felt, but that she was more interested in pleasing Gramma than in standing up for herself. So she'd let Gramma kiss her, and then get anxious every time it was time to visit Gramma.

At first I didn't think it was a significant issue. But as I looked into her future it occurred to me that the sooner Bethany learned to stand up for herself when appropriate, the stronger she would be to set good boundaries for herself as she grew up. So I invented the "not the way it works" game.

The inspiration for the game came from Gramma, who before kissing 5-year-old Bethany would say, "If you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" See what she did there? Of course Bethany wanted no part of not loving Gramma, so she'd oblige, even though she didn't like the kiss. Imagine how this could play out over time with others - particularly with young men. Not that any young man would ever use that phrase on my precious offspring - but just in case - the "not the way it works" game was born.

It started out simply enough. "Bethany" I'd say from the comfort of my recliner, "If you love me, you'll go get me a blanket." She'd bring the blanket and then I'd say, "Good. Now, if you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" and I'd pucker up. I could see the discomfort of her tension, wanting to please, but not wanting my spit on her face. Just as she reluctantly turned my way I'd say, "Bethany. It's OK to say no to this if you don't want a kiss because you can love me but not kiss me. So give it a try."

It was hard for her at first, so I kept coaching her, several times a week, to say, "I love you daddy, but that's not the way it works!" I did it with fetching slippers, or scratching my back. Little by little she became more comfortable saying no.

The big test came when it was time to go to Gramma's. I worked with Bethany to respectfully let Gramma know that she was loved, but that Bethany didn't want a kiss. Bethany practiced, "I love you Gramma, but that's not the way it works. Can we just hug instead?" We high-fived!

When it was time Bethany followed the script perfectly. Gramma seemed hurt and later asked, why won't Bethany kiss me? I encouraged her to ask Bethany directly, which she did. Bethany responded, "I don't like lip kisses. I just like hugs." That seemed good enough for Gramma and has never been an issue since, and Bethany stopped being anxious about going to Gramma's.

Over the years I have played the "If you love me" game less frequently. Even into her 20's I'd play it once in awhile as a throwback, and Bethany still answers with confidence, "That's not the way it works!" The best news is that when pressed by young men to do things she’d rather not do she gives the same answer - with confidence.

I realize in the writing of this that there is a fine line between obeying parents and being manipulated by parents. Using this strategy over the years helped me better define that line and stay respectful not just of Bethany but of all three of my kids when making parental requests.

Today, Bethany has a healthy view of authority and sets good boundaries for herself in relationships of all kinds. She'd tell you today that she still struggles a bit with people-pleasing, but that it's never gotten her in any regrettable trouble. And she’ll also tell that Lynne and I both helped her learn what love without strings is all about, and she’s now making great relationships choices as she forges her way through life.

Dad, Be the Positive Voice She Hears Even When You're Not in the Room

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately 20,000 per day while males use 7,000. Is that a crazy significant variance or what?! That’s essentially a 3:1 ratio where women talk three times more than men…every…single…day.

Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words.

I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right? Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you’re often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken.

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures. And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men!), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

In short, words have great value to females, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her or they can breathe life into her. It’s your choice.

I’ve often said that a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way. Yet this quote bears repeating. I once heard him say something that has stuck with me: “No relationship is neutral: You are either contributing to or contaminating the relationship.”

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• Not speaking (which is neutral---a.k.a. not positive) to her and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• Speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• Regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text her, email her, call her, FaceTime her, or write her a note just to tell her that you love her and are so thankful that you get to be her dad.

She’ll remember it forever. And trust me, she needs it.

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.