25 Things Your Daughter Really Needs From Her Dad

Even though I’m not a researcher, I actually did some of my own data collection for my first book that I know you’ll love! Because I want you as dads to reap the benefits of hearing from girls and women who are the same ages as your daughters, I’ll take you along with me on this journey of discovery.

Here’s the question I asked of as many girls and women as I could find:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request:

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response!

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard.

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women. I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females.

The truth is that these aren’t just wants. These are needs. Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

Here are the 25 most mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayers

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with dad coupled with love and affirmation from dad.

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America (and the world) to step up and step in to their roles as fathers. We can’t go one more day without every dad being all that his daughter needs him to be in her life.

Why is this urgent and important? Because a daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to the world around her.

Dad, I implore you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action now.

Be the dad your daughter needs you to be…today.

Dadvice: How to LISTEN While Your Daughter TALKS

Dad…

I’ve been writing blogs and books for you since 2014. I do this because I stand as an ally with you as a father to your daughter. Stated otherwise, I am invested in you!

When you share personal stories with me (especially those that involve more talking with your girls!), I give you my heartfelt commendation and enthusiastic applause for the entering into the journey of intentionally pursuing your daughter’s heart.

And as you’ve heard me say repeatedly, when we as girls and women know we are loved by our dads, we have:

• greater confidence

• stronger inner fortitude

• higher self esteem

• deeper compassion

• and increased empathy

These factors enable us to give out more from a relationship bucket that is filled, due in large part to the consistent deposits that you, dad, have made into our lives.

And in case you don’t hear it enough, I want you to know that you are the most important man in your daughter’s life because you’re the first man who loved her. So it’s up to you to never give up on loving her in the ways that she needs and deserves.

If you’re like many of the men I’ve had the privilege of interacting with over the years, you’re well aware that you need a refined skill set to talk consistently and deeply with your daughter in meaningful ways that make her feel heard.

As a way to build and strengthen your skill set, I’ve created an acrostic that underscores the required components to keep the conversation moving forward with your daughter. So if you ever get lost along the way with her myriads of words (or her non-verbal expressions that do communicate, just without words), remember these four letters: “T-A-L-K.”

By doing these four things, I guarantee that you’ll stay headed in the right direction while staying close to your daughter throughout her entire life:

Time – Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Affection – Because healthy, safe touch from dad leads to greater self esteem in daughters.

Listen – Because when you listen, you give her the message that she is worth listening to, she has value, and she matters to you.

Kindness – Because wrapping all that you do with this quality will keep her heart open to you and to the world around her.

So if you ever find yourself floundering a bit in your relationship with your daughter, perhaps even a bit confused about which way to turn, I trust that these two words will come to mind as you invite her to open up her heart and life to you while you simply say, “Let’s talk!”

Dadvice: Steps to Recovering from Daughter Wounds

Have you ever heard the term, “father wound”? Of course you have.

It’s a concept we use to describe the pain a father causes his kids, whether through direct harm (verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual, physical) or by neglect, abandonment, or a lack of positive investment.

I’ve actually been addressing the topic of father wounds for years---in my blog and books, when speaking at conferences, and on The Dad Whisperer Podcast. And in my clinical work as a counselor these past 25 years, I assure you that this topic comes up somewhat frequently with my clients (to be fair, mother issues surface too).

That said, what I find interesting is that in all these years, it’s never crossed my mind to address the counter aspect of daughter wounds despite this being a common issue that dads discuss with me.

All of this was brought to the forefront when I received a recent message from Tom (who has given me permission to share this):

I was curious if you’ve ever covered the topic of how dads can get over hurts from their daughters? I recently had my first experience with it from my oldest (8 years old) and realized I better get ready for more. I’ve heard the teenage years can be really difficult because that’s when my girls will be discovering a wide range of emotional confusion and can say things they don’t really mean, but leave a mark.

I’m slowly recovering from my first encounter with it and was just wondering if you had any teaching on how dads can recover. I want to “get back in the game” and keep cheering her on, but admit that I’m hurting and finding myself not really “feeling it” right now. I know I need to step back and get healed so I can get back out there to love and support her…I just don’t really know how to do it. My tendency, like many dads, is just to say, “if that’s the way you feel, I’ll back off.”

I know I’m not supposed to do that…and don’t want to do that…but also know I can’t ignore the hurt either. If you have a podcast or something on the topic, I’d appreciate it.”

In response, let me first say that I know there are no quick fixes or pat answers here.

Every relationship is unique and there are always complex variables that come into play when two individuals are at odds. Yet I believe there are a few principles that can guide the process of healing from daughter wounds if you--like Tom--want to be a dad who keeps loving and leading through the messiness of hurt, rejection, disrespect, reactivity, etc.

I have developed a FOUR-STEP PROCESS to support you in this goal, using the acrostic, HEAL:

Honestly face the hurt

Express the pain

Allow another to walk with you

Let go of the pain

1. Begin by honestly facing the hurt you’ve experienced from your daughter.

As you well know, men have been socialized and conditioned to “never let ‘em see you cry”  while keeping a stiff upper lip at all costs.

To clarify:

• “Softer” emotions such as sadness and fear weren’t selectively handed out by God to men vs. women. All emotions come from our Creator to all of us equally

• You don’t have to act tough and deny that you’re never hurt while believing that it’s weakness to feel emotion

• When triggered by your daughter, be honest by acknowledging that she’s hurt you with her lack of respect, surly attitude, disobedience, rebellion, etc

ACTION STEP: Write down the things she did that hurt you…or speak into your phone and record notes that tell the story…with a goal of being honest with yourself.

2. Choose to proactively express your pain (verbally and emotionally release what you hold inside) in a non-destructive, non-explosive way.

This one is tricky for men because rather than feeling a “weaker” emotion, such as fear or sadness, it’s often easier to exert the “stronger” emotion of anger.

To clarify:

• When anger is your “emotion of choice,” it is counterproductive to connecting with your underlying authentic emotions

• Unrestrained anger can destroy your relationship with your daughter

• It’s vital to look for where you’re sad under your mad

• Admit your hurt rather than letting your anger do the responding for you

ACTION STEP: Even if writing isn’t your favorite activity, begin giving a voice to what’s going on inside. Write in a journal or type out what you are feeling after a challenging encounter with your daughter---Ask: What made me feel angry, sad, scared, and/or confused?

3. Allow another to walk with you as a safe witness to your pain.

I’ve met incredible men who’ve learned to open up with other guys by trusting them with their real stuff. Remember this is how bonding happens in the military---through working side by side, investing in team building, and fighting a common enemy.

To clarify:

• You’ve got to find somewhere to offload the stressors of fathering your daughter, whether to another dad, counselor, pastor, or coach (preferably someone other than your daughter’s mom)

• Be open to their input as you practice new ways of responding while being supported through the process

• As you join with another dad, he’ll validate your experiences while encouraging and strengthening your resolve to be the best dad you can be as you talk and pray together

ACTION STEP:  If you don’t have someone to vent to outside of your immediate family, take the courageous step of finding someone you can trust. Consider inviting other dads whose daughters are close in age to yours to come together once a week, bi-monthly, or once a month. I just met an awesome dad in Maryland who started his own group and they’re reading through my first book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart while encouraging each other in their fathering journey.

4. Take the bold step of choosing to let go of the pain.

Letting go is another term for forgiveness. Forgiving your daughter will lead to your release and healing by not harboring resentment.

To clarify:

• The process of forgiveness begins by acknowledging what it is you’re releasing

• It’s vital that you first walk through steps one through three listed above so as to honor your hurt

• If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive and let go, ask God to do it for you so you can be free and set the example to your daughter of what this process looks like in action

ACTION STEP: Type the words “stages of female development” into your search engine and do research on normative responses for your daughter’s age. You will have more tolerance and wisdom if you can coach yourself through the various cycles of her life by finding out what to expect in terms of age-appropriate behaviors, thought patterns, emotional capacity, etc.

And since you’ve already begin the practice of expressing yourself with words (which takes practice; no one starts out as a wordsmith), write a letter to your daughter, a letter you won’t necessarily give to her, but that will allow you to acknowledge the wounds she’s caused while reminding yourself why you love her, ending with expressing forgiveness.

FINALLY: I know this is hard work, but so worth it in the end because it allows for truth (a.k.a. honesty, vulnerability, real emotion, etc.) to set you…and your daughter…free!

What Daughters Need to Hear From Their Dads (Guest Blog by Shaunti Feldhahn)

Shaunti Feldhahn is a dear friend of mine and it’s an honor to have her joining us again today. Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author. Her books, including For Women Only, For Parents Only, and The Kindness Challenge have sold more than 3 million copies around the world. The Feldhahns live in Atlanta with their two kids and two cats who think they are dogs.
~ Michelle

Dads—you’ve been there for first words, first steps, first stumbles. You’ve been there to mend the skinned knees and give out hugs. You’ve attended the ballet recitals, softball tournaments, and gone on late-night ice cream runs. You’ve helped study for exams, dried tears from first break-ups… you’ve been there.

And we know how much you love your precious daughter. But there’s something you might not know: just how much your daughter needs to hear it! In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these several key phrases have a lot more impact on the heart of a girl than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.

Here are four crucial things daughters need to hear from their dads:

#1: “I Love You, Sweetheart.” 

Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. This gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders “Am I lovable?” Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks “Do I measure up?” you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her and tell her just how loved and lovable she is! It is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

#2: “You’re Beautiful.” 

Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

#3: “I’m So Proud Of You.”

You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them (“Whew, I did something right!”). This is vital from any parent figure but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase!

#4: “I’m Always Here For You—Even When You Make Mistakes.”

You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court—but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

We all know there’s nothing like the bond between fathers and daughters. And knowing the words that truly reach your daughter’s heart (and using them often) is a gift you can give that will last a lifetime.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Your Wife is a Daughter Too

I love getting emails from men who ask great questions and make astute observations that clarify, corroborate and confirm.

Here’s one such email I received from a man named Dave [who gave me permission to share this publicly], followed by my response. Dave’s insights inspired me to write this blog since I couldn’t have said it any better!

Dr. Watson,

Love your Dad Whisperer podcast! Your coaching has encouraged me and helped improve my relationship with my 13-year old daughter and I hope and pray that I set her up for successful adult relationships. And as I've listened, I’ve had a realization. Turns out my wife was a daughter once too! She had a difficult relationship with her alcoholic father who divorced her mother when my wife was in her late teens. He died of his affliction a few years later and my wife never reconciled.

Now I know this isn't a marriage counseling service, and I'm certainly not trying to be a father to my wife, BUT is there an opportunity for me specifically (and other husbands in general) to do something positive and affirming for our wives, using these awesome dad-daughter tools you've given us? I can't fix her; she and God are going to have to work those things out. But maybe I can help? Or at least make it easier?

I love my wife very much and any opportunity to become a better husband is probably the best, first step to becoming a better father.

Thank you! Most sincerely & respectfully yours, Dave

Hi Dave,

I absolutely agree with you and LOVE that you’re seeing that your wife is a daughter too. You have made a revelatory link. Well done in being aware that her own “dad wounds” and/or “dad deficits” aren’t yours to heal or fix, but that you’re invested in being a man of integrity who loves his wife dearly.

I want to highlight two questions you raised: “But maybe I can help? Or at least make it easier?” With your sensitivity towards your wife’s history, I assume you’ve invited her to share stories about her relationship with her dad. By asking her to open up about her losses, you are already doing both of those things - helping her and making it easier - by giving her space to be heard, validated, believed, and supported.

You mentioned that you could “use these awesome dad-daughter tools you've given us” with your wife. To that I say, “YES!” I would encourage you to take the scripts in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and ask your wife to answer them as if she was talking about her dad. This will allow her to process more than she may even know is still held inside her, ready to be released as you are a safe witness to her story.

Here’s a reality about us as women: When we open our mouths, our hearts open. So by encouraging your wife to talk and share vulnerably with you, you are leading her into an interactive experience that is positive and safe. And though she never reconciled with her father, she has an opportunity now to work towards some kind of resolution within herself.

One last thought. Many women have told me how they have found hope and comfort seeing their husband treat their girls with love, dignity, and respect. So the way you treat your daughter provides a model that can bring vicarious healing to your wife. Even more, as you walk your talk, she gets to see and feel what it’s like for a daughter to interact with her dad, which could revitalize the way she interacts with God as her Father.

As you set an example for the next generation, you also affirm your wife who gave you the privilege of becoming a father.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I love interacting with courageous men like you. Keep up the great work!

Sincerely, Dr. Michelle

He Came, In Pieces: A Guest Blog by Taylor Smith (Copy)

Taylor Smith is a dear friend, a true inspiration, and a gifted communicator. I invited her to write a guest blog today to shed light on what it’s like to navigate life after the death of her father. She reminds us that the legacy we leave behind speaks powerfully even after we’re gone. 
~Michelle

I got a call from you today.

Well, sort of.

“Hi, Taylor. I came across a file of your dads. Looks like it contains some personal things. I thought you might like to have it.”

“What? I mean, yes. Yes. I would like to have it. I would love to have it, actually.”

“Great. I’m glad I was able to track you down, Taylor. I hope all is well.”

CLICK.

Dad, that is so your style,
unannounced,
coming in right outta the middle of nowhere,
all of your 78-inches somehow stuffed into this bulky, white envelope, which my fingers gripped so tight my knuckles turned white.

I wasn’t expecting you to arrive this way.

I mean, I think about you every day, but I didn’t think I’d be sitting on my living room floor, holding onto what I could only assume were
pieces of you,
in some forgotten file folder that was left in a sea of other forgotten file folders somewhere in a closet.

But here it was.
Here you were.
Uninvited and undeniably commanding the center of my attention in a matter of seconds
in a way that no one else could.

When I slid my finger under the envelope’s opening, I was holding my breath.
And I’m pretty sure I still wasn’t breathing when I tipped the envelope down and a red folder slid into my lap.

Open it, Taylor. Come on. Just do it.

But it’s not that easy, you see.
Because it wasn’t just a matter of opening a folder that contained some of my dad’s things –

Opening this folder also meant opening up part of my soul,
the deep, hidden part that craves just one more day,
one more hour
to create a last precious father-daughter memory.
And that’s a really raw place to tear open.
So it’s really not that easy.

But I did it.

The first piece of paper was a letter circa early 2000.
The letterhead stated Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.

It said,
“Dear Arthur, as you know, because of your outstanding contribution to the sport of swimming in the state of Arkansas, you have been inducted into the Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.”

Whoa. Hold up. Dad, this is a BIG DEAL. Why didn’t you tell me about this??

The letter went on to talk about my dad’s swimming career, most of which I already knew, but when it was there, printed on this formal letter, it made my eyes go wide, my heart swell with pride.

Dad, you were the dark horse, the unheard of swimmer who somehow conquered it all. You were nationally ranked, a five-time All American. You were a champion.

You were so much more than a swimmer, Dad, but I am so proud that you didn’t let your inexperience in the swimming world hold you back. You did it. You worked so hard and you made your mark.

So with this mysterious folder, business was off to a good start. But who knew what else was buried in the pile.

Mechanically, I reached for the next thing in the stack- a card “For a Son Who’s Loved So Much.”

It was a “just because” card from my dad’s mom, who I called my nana.

Nana and I weren’t super close. We never really had the opportunity to be, living more than a thousand miles apart. To tell you the truth, I always thought that I would never be able to relate to her – a sophisticated Southern woman and me, a prank-loving, spontaneous-dancing, free-spirit child.

But reading her words allowed me to learn more about my nana –and her relationship to her son, my dad- than I had ever known.

“Words cannot express my love for you – it grows every year, if that is even possible. How I cherish the loving memories of your childhood (rosy red cheeks that looked as good as apples)… You are my Guardian Angel.”

Wow, Dad. You and nana must have been really close. I know I didn’t know her very well, but she really loved you. I’m so glad that you were so loved by your mom – that she thought the world of you. Because you so deserved that, Dad. You really did.

The next few things were business documents that didn’t mean much to me,
but behind those pages were what I had been hoping for, yet not hoping for,
the really personal stuff.

The stack of cards that I was holding in my hands wasn’t just my dad,
it was my mom, too – letters she had written him from their nearly 15 years of marriage.

I tell you, this folder was the most beautiful gift.

I learned a lot about my dad,
about some things that he was too humble to share,
about him as a son and as a husband,
a man who was deeply loved, deeply passionate, and all together, deeply deep.
Yup. That was my dad. One deep dude.

I finished reading the cards and closed the folder, only wishing that there had been just a few more cards, a few more keepsakes or napkin-scribbled notes that could bring more of him back to me.

When you lose someone you love, there are
days when your heart is heavy,
days when you just need a good cry, or scream,
days when you are angry at their not being there,
days when your memories of them bring you this amazing warmth,
days when you shout thanksgiving praise that you even got to know them at all.

Then there are days like this one,
when you receive the blessing of a mysterious file folder, filled with things you never would have asked for -had a genie granted you five wishes- and you find yourself rolling on the floor, laughing, thinking that

I have the best dad ever. Thank you, God. Thank you for this moment, too. I will always remember it. I will always remember you, Dad.

Love, Taylor

Transfer of Power

You can breathe a sigh of relief because I promise you that this isn’t a political post! I’m only using this concept as a reference point to talk about fathering.

Let me ask you a question: What comes to mind when you read the three words in the title of this blog, Transfer of Power?

I’m guessing that your immediate thought ties to a change of position or roles between political leaders or administrative parties. That’s what comes to mind when I hear those words too.

During our recent election season I heard this phrase used repeatedly. And because my mind is always thinking about fathers and daughters, I found myself pondering how a similar dynamic happens (or should be happening) in homes when it comes to preparing kids to launch. Just to clarify, I’m referencing that time when a daughter (or son) officially heads into adulthood around the age of 18. 

There really is a transfer of power, especially when she (or he) steps out from under the parental roof. 

Since this child-to-adult transition is inevitable, the question I pose to you as dads is this:

What steps are you taking to prepare your daughter to be independent, confident, and self-assured as she moves into adulthood?

Here’s one way to build a framework that addresses this question as taught to me by a colleague whose insight was honed from raising two children, as well as hosting 100 foster teenagers. 

“By the age of 18, most kids are making the bulk of their own decisions, so why not let them make 50% of their own decisions by the time they’re nine years old. Then when they’re 14 or 15, let 75% of their decisions be their own. You want to let them succeed and fail while you as the parent are there to help them work through it.”

When I first heard this idea, it seemed ludicrous! Who lets their nine year old make 50% of their own decisions? Yet as I’ve given it more thought, I can see the wisdom in it.

The more your daughter is empowered to think for herself--which includes learning the hard way, making mistakes, falling down and failing, but then getting back up while having parental support---the more empowered she will be to carry herself in a similar way outside your home.   

And what dad doesn’t want his little girl to be strong and assertive, to be one who doesn’t follow the crowd but stands on her own two feet while thinking for herself?

Yet as good as all of that sounds in theory, remember that if you want your daughter to embody those qualities outside your home, she’s going to have to learn how to use those skills inside your home. In other words, your home is her training ground. 

And you, Dad, can support her process of transition into adulthood long before the day of her actual launch while strategically enhancing her level of success just by the way you interact with her every day until then.

And I am still keeping my promise for this not a political post, yet feel compelled to highlight something else that sadly has been the hallmark of this election season. Hasn’t this been the most intense and hostile political atmosphere that you’ve ever witnessed? 

This brings to mind a powerful challenge that a friend of mine, Brooke Perry, created as a grid to lead high school students that she pastors: 

1. Ask questions.

2. Listen well.

3. Disagree freely.

4. Love regardless.

Wouldn’t these four directives have been a game-changer during this election season? 

That said, I wonder how you as a dad might be able to take this grid and apply it to your relationship with your daughter as she matures and prepares to leave your home. Maybe this could even serve as a guide if she’s making choices that don’t have your highest approval rating. 

I know you want your daughter to succeed. You want to save her from heartache and regret. That’s why you sometimes want to step in and take over. I understand that. But that’s when it may be time to take to heart the words of Robert F. Kennedy, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” It seems to be part of the process for us all, doesn’t it?

So, what can you do to create a peaceful transfer of power with your daughter?

1. Be the safe place where she can land when she falls.

2. Make sure not to shame her in her process of learning.

3. Reflect back on your bumpy road to maturity.

4. When you think you can’t be any more patient, dig even deeper.

5. Pray for God to give you grace to stay calm while guiding her.

6. Remove harshness and anger from your communication style [a.k.a. soften your tone].

7. Know that she won’t always do things your way and that’s okay.

8. Remember that she’ll be more open to your opinion if she asks for it.

9. Listen twice as much as you talk.

10. Daily communicate love for who she is regardless of what she does or doesn’t do.

11. Always wrap your criticism or correction in positive affirmation on the front and back end of the conversation.

12. Remind her regularly that her uniqueness will leave a mark on the world as she steps out and uses her gifts to impact others for good.

Dad, I know that your heart will ache as your daughter leaves the nest, but as you prepare her for the future, rest assured that the transfer of power from you to her will be stronger, healthier, and more peaceful if she has your support. She wants you to be proud of her, to trust her, and to give her grace, especially if she doesn’t always get it right on the first try.

Let your daughter know today that you are cheering her on as she steps forward into the next season of her life!

At The End of Your Life...

I’m at the age where increasing numbers of friends are saying their forever goodbyes to loved ones. I can honestly say that more often than not I struggle to know how to best come alongside them in their grief. I still remember when one of my long-time friends lost her dad to cancer. Her heart deeply ached as she watched her once-strong father suffer, making his passing particularly bittersweet.

Then only three weeks later, I attended a memorial service for a well-loved, 42-year old friend of mine, a mom with three sons, whose unexpected death left a large community in shock as we all tried to wrap our minds and hearts around the fact that she was really gone.

[Her husband, Thom, has recently written an incredible memoir titled, “Good Grief: One Husband's Journey from Incapacitating Fear to Overwhelming Joy” and it’s available now. I endorsed it and highly recommend it as a resource for walking through loss.]

There’s nothing like the end of someone’s life to challenge everyone to do some serious soul searching about what really matters.

Do you ever wonder what your kids will say about you after you’re gone?

I think this is a good question to ponder. The truth is that the way you answer this question will significantly impact the way you live today…and tomorrow…and the day after that.

You know this already, but it bears repeating: We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint that lasts beyond our days on earth. 

Thus, I invite you to ask yourself another question, one that I often pose to dads of daughters because it leads them to be brutally honest:

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only ONE THING
to say about me, I’d want it to be...

I am always blown away at the incredible warmth and depth that arises from the hearts of fathers who share with me that they want their daughters to truly know how much they are loved by them. 

Here’s a few specific responses I’ve heard from dads in response to this question:

• That I was always there.

• That I loved her just the way she is.

• That I understand her.

• That my dad was the source of the courage and confidence I needed to take chances.

• That my dad was there when I needed him.

• That he was the best dad I could have asked for.

• That each one of my girls will say, 'I was his favorite.’

How about you? How are you completing this sentence right now? 

With pen (or phone) in hand, jot down your response and keep it written somewhere that you can see it---whether on a notecard, in your day-timer, or on your smartphone---and live today with the end in view. 

Dad, your legacy will live on into the future in direct proportion to your heart investment in your daughter’s life in the present.

P.S. If you could use more support in knowing how to open up challenging conversations with your daughter about grief and loss, I encourage you to get my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters where there is an entire section titled, Lead Her to Lament. All the scripts you’ll need to engage your daughter in deeper dialogues are there to build your competence and confidence. 

What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads of daughters. There is tender, fierce strength that I witness time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men in The Abba Project or when I travel the country speaking at men’s conferences. I love hearing your stories. I am grateful to be trusted with your fears. At other times I witness your tears (even if you say they’re “just allergies!”).  
I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the truth about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces in our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,

2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and

3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on

   the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative

   end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected

relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us.

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation, specifically in relation to dads of daughters, I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

• He feels emotionally connected to her, especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us as daughters feel our father’s love when you are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us.

When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter know how you really feel about her when she looks in your eyes and sees your eyes leak a little while you communicate love in ways deeper than your words.

Be the Reason She Turns Toward God as a Father, Not the Reason She Doesn't

Awhile back I read an article from ABC News citing a study by Froese and Bader summarizing the four ways that Americans view God. I was astounded to discover that only 22% characterized the Almighty in a positive way, seeing him as benevolent, while the other 78% claimed to see Him through a critical, distant, or authoritative lens.

When I first read this, my immediate thought was: I wonder if 78% of Americans have a critical, distant, or authoritative father who has shaped the way they responded to this query.

I’ve been talking to male and female audiences for the past few years about the correlation between the way we relate to our earthly father and our subsequent response to God as a Father. Almost always tears are shed by some in the audience as tangible pain begins to surface once the connection is made between the two.

After one such presentation in Colorado I met 31-year old Elaina. She’s given me permission to share her story, written in an email once we both arrived home:

I wanted to tell you that it was kind of hard for me to connect with what you're doing with dads because my bio dad is almost totally absent and my stepdad is, well, my stepdad...so it seems almost impossible that I could ever use the skills you're teaching.

HOWEVER, I found it really helpful when you had us free associate words for father. I came up with absent, jerk and lonely-which really helped me when I was talking to my counselor yesterday, trying to describe my experience of my dads!

Anyway, I'm so grateful that you're doing this work with dads. If there had been someone like you around or a workbook detailing what you do, it might not have had to be this way between me and either of my dads. Maybe then I would have a better image of God and would not hop from father figure to father figure, trying to find someone to affirm me and feed my father hunger.

I have discovered that the horizontal and vertical are synonymously related. I believe our relationship with our dad always influences our view of God.

I agree with my friend Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, who encourages dads in this way:

Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you. If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her…

You are just a normal, good-enough dad doing the best you can. You need to have someone behind you, someone your daughter can turn to when you’re not there. You both need a bigger, better father on your side.

You need to tell your daughter what you think and believe. What you believe will have a strong impact on what she believes. And if you feel you need to start your faith journey right alongside her, do it. She’ll love it.

I know this has been a lot to take in. Let me wrap things up by saying that I understand the heavy weight on your shoulders as you consider that YOU---finite, human, imperfect----are modeling GOD AS A FATHER to your daughter. That really is a huge responsibility.

Yet this isn’t about you needing to be perfect as God is perfect.

It’s about you, as a fellow traveler in this life with your daughter, seizing the opportunity to be honest with yourself and sometimes with her about your questions and fears when it comes to God and spiritual things.

Seek out real answers to your real questions…with her.

Invite her into the sacred space of being a learner who feeds your spiritual life.

My hope is that this will translate to your daughter turning towards God because of you. That it what it means to leave a lasting legacy.

p.s. If you’d like to open up a conversation with your daughter on spiritual things, here’s a questionnaire to guide you: Dad-Daughter Questions on Spiritual Things