Are You Ready For a Game-Changing Dad-Daughter Book?

Hey Dads...

I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book being released on August 4th titled, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. 

My heart motivation behind this book is YOU. And now the best way you can support me is to pre-order your copy today…and share this with your friends! [click here to preorder]

Because I’ve been listening to you as fathers of daughters for the last decade, here’s basically what you’ve told me:

“We want a book that tells us what to do and how to do it so we don’t screw up. It needs to get to the point so we can get it right when it comes to connecting with our daughters.”

You asked. I listened. 

As we all know, it can be a daunting task for dads and daughters to talk about the hard stuff, the deep stuff, the vulnerable stuff, and the complex stuff.  And a lot of dads have told me they prefer to leave some of those heavier topics to mom.

But trust me when I say that your daughter needs YOU to initiate conversations with her---about anything and everything. And even if those interactions are awkward at first, if you stay with it, you’ll see the positive impacts to her…and yourself!

Here’s the bottom line:

When a daughter opens her mouth, her heart opens.
And when a daughter’s heart is open, her dad’s heart automatically opens.

The most effective starting point for building a stronger dad-daughter bond is through TALKING. That’s why I wrote this book. I want to see healthier, closer relationships between dads and daughters so this generation of women is empowered with dad’s support to stand boldly, live confidently, love fiercely, give fully, and care deeply. 

My goal with Let’s Talk is to help you as dads close the communication gap with your daughters by showing you how to listen and build trust with insights and scripted questions that equip you to move from fun get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into your daughters’ struggles, hurts, fears, and hopes. 

Let’s Talk covers a large array of topics such as personality, future dreams, spirituality, sexuality, body image, depression, anxiety, and suicide, to name a few. With scripts in hand, you’ll be equipped to lead your daughter to:

1. LAUGH. This is a great starting point where you’ll share laughter so she can enhance her own self-discovery while opening up about light-hearted topics.

2. LOVE. By learning to love herself first, out of that overflow she can pour her beautiful affection and real love positively into the world.

3. LOOK. Here she will begin to go deeper by engaging in self-examination regarding her relationships with herself, others, and God/Higher Power. 

4. LAMENT. Your goal here, dad, is to get close enough to hear her heart cries and true longings while making amends for any hurts you’ve caused her. 

5. LISTEN. Now it’s time to flip the script where she will ask you questions about your life while learning to take an interest in your story and expand her skill set as an active listener.

I always say that your daughter didn’t come with a playbook, but I’m going to help you write one. By following this practical, action-oriented book, as a #girldad you will increase your confidence and competence as your focus becomes sharper in knowing how to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter. 

So let the talking begin!

Dadvice: What to Do When Your Daughter Gets On Your Last Nerve

I had the privilege of hearing renowned author Anne Lamott speak at Powell’s, one of our infamous Portland bookstores. At one point in her talk she had us all uproariously laughing when she admitted that years ago as a new mom and exhausted single parent she had the understandably human thought to put her crying newborn baby boy outside…for just one night…with the dog! (As if those last two qualifiers somehow made it okay!)

It was refreshing to hear Anne’s gut-level honest disclosure about parenting. And it was clear from the enthusiastic response of the crowd that her irreverent revelations about her secret thought life when it comes to mothering brought a bit of relief because most likely every mom and dad in the room could relate to the fact that:

1. Parenting is hard.

2. Parenting is exhausting.

3. Parenting is relentless with no reneging on the commitment.

4. Parenting takes more out of mom and dad than each knew they were signing up for.

5. Parenting has the potential to lead two rational adults to the brink of insanity!

Now let’s shift gears and focus specifically on fathering. 

As a dad you no doubt have had your buttons pushed by your daughter (probably this week…or even today…especially as she grows older). You may have found yourself wondering how she figured out the password that gained her access into your internal hard drive, the one that activates every response in you that you promised you’d never have as a father. 

And there you are, responding in anger or with a harsh reaction, impatience, or indifference, only then to realize that you are regrettably hurting the one who not so long before had you driving around with a sign in the car window that read, “Precious Cargo on Board.”

And though I never want to come across as a “know-it-all,” I’d love to offer a word picture that might come in handy next time she gets on your last nerve and you’re ready to move in a more positive direction. 

Think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a delicate little flower. 

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her.  

Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful?

Truth be told:  This is how you still need to think of “holding her.”  She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She still needs to be handled with kid gloves, even when she’s being challenging.

I’d even suggest posting one of her baby pictures in a place where you see it every day as a daily reminder that she has a special place in your heart, even when you’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.

One thing that my dad has had to do with me at times like this is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways).  I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him (or for most men), but it can be done. 

I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect, but I do want to challenge you to have a conversation with your mouth and commit to not venting anger or reacting with harshness toward your daughter from this day forward. Or at least for today. 

And the next time you’re triggered, choose to walk away and ground yourself first by breathing deeply or getting some fresh air before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful little flower with your words of life. You’ll both thrive as a result. 

Dads, Lead Your Daughter to Say MORE than Yes to the Dress

I thought I’d surprise you today with an exciting personal update because I have some REALLY BIG NEWS! 

I just got married last weekend and I’m on my honeymoon right now! (*I’ll share more details about my new husband at the end so read on…)

I’m so happy to share my love story with you and if you have a single daughter who longs to be married, I trust that the things I’m sharing today will also help you be more sensitive to her in this season of her life. Also, if you have a single daughter who longs to be married, I trust that the things I’m sharing today will also help you be more sensitive to her in this season of her life.

First, I want to begin by saying that I’m one of those women who is okay sharing her age, so here goes: I just turned 60 last month and this is my first (and only) wedding!! This translates to the fact that I have lived through every possible feeling when it comes to embracing my marital status through the years: content, miserable, lonely, satisfied, restless, resigned, cranky, happy, and on it goes. And as you can also imagine, I’ve been the recipient of every sentiment imaginable (mostly unsolicited), and just to give you a flavor of some of the literal things people have said to me, here’s a sample: 

“It’s hard to imagine that a guy hasn’t snatched you up.”

“The reason you’re not married is because you’re just too dang picky.”

“When you least expect it, he’ll show up.”

“I can’t believe you’ve never been married because you seem so normal.” 

The reality is that none of these comments were helpful…or accurate. And as you could probably guess, many times comments like these felt hurtful despite the potentially good intentions of those who said them, not withstanding the fact that they often weren’t true. 

Of course it’s all water under the bridge, but I’m here to say that your single daughter has probably heard similar things. And because I’ve learned a thing or two about “waiting for the right one” because I’ve waited a very long time for that right one, I want to share some things I believe your single daughter needs to hear from you so that she doesn’t settle for “Mr. Right Now” but instead waits for “Mr. Right.” 

You can see by the title of this blog that today’s theme is tied to the TV show, “Say Yes to the Dress.” If you’ve never seen it, I imagine your daughter has. Truth be told, I’ve watched more episodes than I dare to admit, but suffice it to say that I think there’s a bit too much time, money, and energy spent on buying the perfect dress, finding the perfect guy, planning the perfect wedding, all to have a perfect life. 

There’s not much focus on the importance of embracing a healthy, vibrant marriage or the part after she buys the dress. And equally important, what about the myriads of women who never get proposed to, but are longing to say “yes” to the guy and the dress?

All of this got me thinking: What if dads across America stepped in and led their daughters to think beyond the dress and the day. The reality is that you, Dad, have more influence in this area that you may realize.

Way too many women are inadvertently believing the lie that they’re not a success unless they’re dating, engaged, or married. That message is being perpetuated…everywhere…and it needs to stop!  

Your daughter needs YOU to help her stand tall in TRUTH so she can step into her calling without pouring all of her hopes and dreams into a fairy tale.

Your input into your daughter’s life has the power to carry a counter cultural message-which is that she has vibrancy and purpose beyond her marital status.

Here are two practical truths that your single daughter needs to hear from you today that will help her see that there is MORE to who she is and to her future than waiting to be married:

1. Tell her she’s beautiful and competent, qualified, and “enough” just the way she is, right where she’s at, whether or not there’s a boyfriend in the picture. 

Your daughter needs more encouragement, more support, and more validation from you in extra measure if she’s single. And even if she’s dating someone or already married, she still will thrive when hearing that you believe in her, are proud of her, and that you love her fully and completely (as a work in progress, just like you).

2. Let her know that even if she never gets married, you’re not disappointed in her and are proud of her for being her unique self.

Focus on highlighting what she is doing, not what she isn’t. And I don’t know why it is, but a lot of us women have believed that our parents will be happier if we have a husband and give them grandchildren. So when we feel we’ve failed to make our parents happy or proud of us in those areas (even if it’s never been communicated directly), we feel like a failure. This is where fathers are so important when it comes to communicating affirmation of their daughters at every age regardless of marital status. 

One last practical idea if your daughter is single. I promise that if you do this, dad, you will make a lasting heart deposit that she’ll always remember.

Dad, your affirmation of your daughter, coupled with your full support as she lives out her passions and dreams, will go a long way toward supporting her to live an empowered, authentic, fulfilling life whether or not she ever gets married. 

And as long as we’re on the topic of weddings, the best gift you can give me is to actively pursue your daughter’s heart today! Even better, write me at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com and share your stories of impact so that when I return from my honeymoon my inbox will be full of heart-warming, life-breathing, dad-daughter love stories.

Before I wrap up this blog, I want to close by telling you about the man that God brought into my life (just in case you’re wondering!).

My new husband’s name is Dr. Ken Canfield and he’s founded the National Center for Fathering 30 years ago. I’ve known him professionally since 2011 and he wrote the forward to my first book in 2014.Also, I had been friends with his deceased wife Dee for years before she died of a long-term illness. Then God surprised both Ken and I by revealing that he wanted us to partner together for life and we can hardly wait to do MORE life and MORE ministry together, especially in the area of the dad-daughter relationship [Yes, I’m saying MORE than “YES to the DRESS!”]

This is why marriage was worth the wait for me because I’m now married to a man whose values and vision and passion aligns with mine. 

I’ll keep you posted on projects we’ll be working on together in the months and years ahead, starting with the release of my new book on August 4 titled, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters.”You can pre-order now on Amazon here, or any other book retailer. 

Thanks for all your love and support!

Love, Michelle Watson Canfield

What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads of daughters. There is tender, fierce strength that I witness time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men in The Abba Project or when I travel the country speaking at men’s conferences. I love hearing your stories. I am grateful to be trusted with your fears. At other times I witness your tears (even if you say they’re “just allergies!”).  
I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the truth about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces in our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,

2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and

3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on

   the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative

   end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected

relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us.

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation, specifically in relation to dads of daughters, I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

• He feels emotionally connected to her, especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us as daughters feel our father’s love when you are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us.

When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter know how you really feel about her when she looks in your eyes and sees your eyes leak a little while you communicate love in ways deeper than your words.

TRUTH OR DARE: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter…But Should

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged. \

And not just challenged to do something possible, but something BIGGER and HARDER than they could ever imagine doing. 

Case in point: I watched a documentary where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp while paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. When asked why they did it, their collective responses were always the same: “to prove that we could.”

I had a question come to mind as I witnessed willing and able-bodied men go the distance physically despite harsh conditions that sapped them of their last ounce of energy: Are these guys equally responsive to opportunities to prove they can push past their limits with something potentially more important, that of enthusiastically pursuing and engaging their daughter’s hearts on a daily basis? 

I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan, especially when she’s confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating. 

So right here, right now, I’m counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth:

Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare:

Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly while you invest in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get angry or be hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing. If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then after reading it, make sure that you talk about it with her on your date. Having the conversation in person may be hard for one or both of you, but it’s really powerful when you add your voice to the mix so she can hear your heart.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter. 

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!