The ABC's of Fathering

With this being the official start of the new school year (despite all the Covid-19 restrictions that definitely make it feel different), I thought it would be fun to take a walk down memory lane and lead you in a review of your A-B-C’s.

Of course you know I’m talking about a different use of those three letters as I introduce a new way to think about dialing into your daughter’s heart with what I like to call, “The ABC’s of Fathering.” 

action

I’m guessing that you had a favorite superhero growing up. I also assume that the reason you identified with that particular crime fighter was because he took action. Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion? Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering. In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart. And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you’d like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to): daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually. (For more practical ideas on engaging your daughter’s heart, check out my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality dude and not a dud is to model the kind of guy you want her to walk down the aisle to. 

You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady and a woman of worth and value by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a great verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it or she’ll shut down and lose her vibrancy.

And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, consistent, stay-the-course dad to your daughter are as follows: 

• She will have a full heart that stays open (the opposite of being “heart sick”)

• She will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree” (with limbs that reach up to the heavens and reach out to love others)

• She will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed in the research).  

When your daughter consistently experiences that she can trust you because your words bless her and your actions affirm her, she will internalize your view of her. Your steady, dependable, reliable, and faithful pursuit of her heart will yield dividends that last long after you’re gone. She is your forever investment.

Like you’ve heard me say before: The harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward. Your daughter is worth the work. She is your reward.  

So there it is. A “1-2-3, A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it. Why not choose one item from the list above right now to make your focus for this upcoming school year as you grow in new ways alongside your daughter?

There’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and that your daughter needs you to be. 

At The End of Your Life...

I’m at the age where increasing numbers of friends are saying their forever goodbyes to loved ones. I can honestly say that more often than not I struggle to know how to best come alongside them in their grief. I still remember when one of my long-time friends lost her dad to cancer. Her heart deeply ached as she watched her once-strong father suffer, making his passing particularly bittersweet.

Then only three weeks later, I attended a memorial service for a well-loved, 42-year old friend of mine, a mom with three sons, whose unexpected death left a large community in shock as we all tried to wrap our minds and hearts around the fact that she was really gone.

[Her husband, Thom, has recently written an incredible memoir titled, “Good Grief: One Husband's Journey from Incapacitating Fear to Overwhelming Joy” and it’s available now. I endorsed it and highly recommend it as a resource for walking through loss.]

There’s nothing like the end of someone’s life to challenge everyone to do some serious soul searching about what really matters.

Do you ever wonder what your kids will say about you after you’re gone?

I think this is a good question to ponder. The truth is that the way you answer this question will significantly impact the way you live today…and tomorrow…and the day after that.

You know this already, but it bears repeating: We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint that lasts beyond our days on earth. 

Thus, I invite you to ask yourself another question, one that I often pose to dads of daughters because it leads them to be brutally honest:

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only ONE THING
to say about me, I’d want it to be...

I am always blown away at the incredible warmth and depth that arises from the hearts of fathers who share with me that they want their daughters to truly know how much they are loved by them. 

Here’s a few specific responses I’ve heard from dads in response to this question:

• That I was always there.

• That I loved her just the way she is.

• That I understand her.

• That my dad was the source of the courage and confidence I needed to take chances.

• That my dad was there when I needed him.

• That he was the best dad I could have asked for.

• That each one of my girls will say, 'I was his favorite.’

How about you? How are you completing this sentence right now? 

With pen (or phone) in hand, jot down your response and keep it written somewhere that you can see it---whether on a notecard, in your day-timer, or on your smartphone---and live today with the end in view. 

Dad, your legacy will live on into the future in direct proportion to your heart investment in your daughter’s life in the present.

P.S. If you could use more support in knowing how to open up challenging conversations with your daughter about grief and loss, I encourage you to get my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters where there is an entire section titled, Lead Her to Lament. All the scripts you’ll need to engage your daughter in deeper dialogues are there to build your competence and confidence. 

8 Secrets to Becoming an Active Daughter Listener (Guest Blog With Dr. Ken Canfield)

Today I’ve invited my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, to share some secrets he’s learned over the years when it comes to really listening to the women in his family. With three daughters, one daughter-in-law, and nine granddaughters, suffice it to say that he’s had lots of practice! I know you’ll appreciate hearing his practical ideas for strengthening your auditory skill set as we co-author today’s blog.    
~ Michelle

Dad, did you know that when you listen to your daughter, you actually help to build her self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence?! (Unfortunately, that’s not anything they tell you before you become a father, which is why I’m shouting this from the rooftops so you can say you heard it here!). 

This is how I explain it in my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters:

The truth is when a woman is listened to, she stands upright with greater self-confidence. And if the one listening to her is her father, the power of this reality increases exponentially. 

You see, a settledness takes hold in the depths of a woman’s being when she knows that she doesn’t have to shout above all the noise just to be heard. And a power takes root in her when she fully believes that she matters because what she thinks and feels matters. 

Dad, you play a very important role in validating your daughter’s worth by listening to what she has to say,

• even if what she says doesn’t fully make sense to you

• even if you disagree with her opinion or choices, and

• even if you are pushed past your limits of emotional and verbal exhaustion. 

That said, here are a few tips from Ken that you can put into ACTION today to let your daughter know that you care about what she has to say because you are listening to every word (or as many as possible, that is!)

1. Face your daughter squarely. This says, “I’m available to you; I choose to be with you.” This also means putting away or turning off all distractions, like cell phones and other screens and background noise.

2. Adopt an open posture. Crossed arms and legs say, “I’m not interested.” An open posture shows your daughter that you’re open to her and what she has to say.

3. Put yourself on your daughter’s level. Kneel, squat down, lie across her bed, lean toward her. This communicates, “I want to know more about you.”  

4. Maintain good eye contact. Have you ever talked to someone whose eyes seem to be looking at everything in the room but you? How did that make you feel? That’s not something you want your daughter to experience with you. (Time for a Dad check-in: Did you really put your cell phone away?) 

5. Stay relaxed. If you fidget nervously as your daughter is talking, she’ll think you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s counterproductive.

6. Watch your daughter. Learn to read her nonverbal behavior: posture, body movements, and gestures. Notice frowns, smiles, raised brows, and twisted lips. Listen to her voice quality and pitch, emphasis, pauses, and inflections. The way in which your daughter says something can tell you more than what she is actually saying. 

[I, Michelle, totally stand in unison with Ken on this one. Your tone of voice, Dad, can shut her down or open her up to you. Set the example with the tone of voice and attitude that you would like her to emulate.]

7. Actively give your daughter nonverbal feedback. Nod. Smile. Raise your eyebrows. Look surprised. These small signals mean more than you realize. They’ll encourage your daughter to open up even more and let you into her life.

8. The last step to listening is . . . speaking. But, before you give your response, restate in your own words what she has told you. That proves you were listening, and it also gives her the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s it exactly,” or “No, what I really mean is this …” Remember, the goal of communication is understanding the other person, not proving your point.  

There are too many adult women who lament that their fathers never cared about them or what they had to say. They didn’t feel valued then, and still don’t, even years later. 

Listening isn’t easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort if you want to raise and empowered daughter, which we both know you do!

Dad, Don't "Should" On Your Daughter

By now, dad, you know that I love giving you what I call, “insider Venusian trade secrets” so that you are more equipped to decode your daughters. Today I’m adding another tool to your fathering toolbox to support that goal. 

I don’t know what it is about the word “should” that makes it a negative, power-packed word on my planet of Venus, but I’m telling you that I literally hear this word all the time. And it ain’t good!

Here are some examples of things I’ve heard from women just this week (for real!): 

• I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I should be grateful for all the good things happening in my life, but I’m just so depressed.

• All my friends are doing things right-like saving money, moving towards marriage, buying a house, having babies, and on it goes. When I see all that’s going right for them, it makes me think of what I’m not doing and all the things I should have been doing long before now. I’m way behind where I want to be and won’t ever catch up.

• When I get around my friends, I constantly compare myself to them and think that I should be more like them. But the truth is that I feel like a fraud. I don’t fit in because they’re all prettier, richer, and more accomplished than me.

• I should be getting up earlier and spending more time with God, but I never get that right either.

• I’m so stressed right now and feel so much pressure constantly to make everyone happy and it seems that someone is always disappointed in me or mad at me. I know I should be doing more, but I can barely keep my head above water as it Is and hardly have any time for myself.

Dad, let me ask you: Does your heart break like mine as you hear these collective voices of self-condemnation that are doused with a thick dose of unrealistic expectations, smothered by the constant pressure to measure up? 

For me, as I worked my way down this list, I noticed a mounting heaviness, even some sadness, as each self-deprecating sentence unfolded. Every one of these women feels like she’s not doing enough or being enough while seeing herself as falling short when she compares herself to those around her. It all amounts to: SHE’s not enough.

In fact, it’s this comparison game that is destroying her self confidence, her happiness, her inner peace, her joy, her optimism, her perspective, her energy…and on it goes. 

I’m guessing you’ve heard similar messages from your daughters.

Here’s what I say time and again to women when I hear these words: “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.”

As you can imagine, initially there’s an awkward laugh because she thinks I meant to say a different word…and that’s part of my strategy for lightening the atmosphere in the room, even if just for a minute. When a woman starts down the dreaded “should” path, my desire is to guide her to see what it’s doing to her. And I’ve discovered that most women don’t even know they’ve said these words until I’ve pointed them out!

Here’s the best part: I notice that a positive shift begins to happen when a woman clearly sees the amount of undue pressure she’s putting on herself. 

Now that you’re more informed about the mental struggles that tend to barrage us as Venusians, I want to point out that even though you don’t intend to add more pressure when addressing things that need changing, the reality is that your daughter is often weighed down by your “should” messages. 

What she hears is that she’s a failure and a disappointment to you. And since she already believes that about herself much of the time anyway, it’s oftentimes more than she can bear. 

And yes, her attitudes and behaviors are things that need correcting and shaping at various times and in certain situations…BUT REMEMBER:

1. It’s all about timing. Wait until you…and she…are in a good emotional space where you are able to convey your message well, which increases the chances that it will be received positively by her. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for disaster.

2. It’s all about noticing. Before speaking, take the time to listen and find out if there’s something deeper going on that may be causing her to be sour or unpleasant. If she’s already had a bad day, decide that now isn’t the time to “should” on her. Come back and talk to her later if you want to reach her heart. And you’ll see that it’s always a win when you speak to her heart – the deeper part – before speaking to her behavior or attitude.

3. It’s all about validating. Make it your goal to hear her side of the story while seeking to understand why things went down the way they did. Wait to give feedback until she’s open, and with this slight course correction in WHEN you respond, HOW you respond, and WHAT you say when you respond, you will increase the likelihood of a successful interaction.

If you’re a dad who doesn’t want to “should” on your daughter, decide today to omit the word “should” from your vocabulary. Instead, find other words to make statements, ask questions, or nudge her to action.

Try it out and let me know how it goes. Better said, I really think you should try this and then let me know how it goes!  :o)

Are You Ready For a Game-Changing Dad-Daughter Book?

Hey Dads...

I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book being released on August 4th titled, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. 

My heart motivation behind this book is YOU. And now the best way you can support me is to pre-order your copy today…and share this with your friends! [click here to preorder]

Because I’ve been listening to you as fathers of daughters for the last decade, here’s basically what you’ve told me:

“We want a book that tells us what to do and how to do it so we don’t screw up. It needs to get to the point so we can get it right when it comes to connecting with our daughters.”

You asked. I listened. 

As we all know, it can be a daunting task for dads and daughters to talk about the hard stuff, the deep stuff, the vulnerable stuff, and the complex stuff.  And a lot of dads have told me they prefer to leave some of those heavier topics to mom.

But trust me when I say that your daughter needs YOU to initiate conversations with her---about anything and everything. And even if those interactions are awkward at first, if you stay with it, you’ll see the positive impacts to her…and yourself!

Here’s the bottom line:

When a daughter opens her mouth, her heart opens.
And when a daughter’s heart is open, her dad’s heart automatically opens.

The most effective starting point for building a stronger dad-daughter bond is through TALKING. That’s why I wrote this book. I want to see healthier, closer relationships between dads and daughters so this generation of women is empowered with dad’s support to stand boldly, live confidently, love fiercely, give fully, and care deeply. 

My goal with Let’s Talk is to help you as dads close the communication gap with your daughters by showing you how to listen and build trust with insights and scripted questions that equip you to move from fun get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into your daughters’ struggles, hurts, fears, and hopes. 

Let’s Talk covers a large array of topics such as personality, future dreams, spirituality, sexuality, body image, depression, anxiety, and suicide, to name a few. With scripts in hand, you’ll be equipped to lead your daughter to:

1. LAUGH. This is a great starting point where you’ll share laughter so she can enhance her own self-discovery while opening up about light-hearted topics.

2. LOVE. By learning to love herself first, out of that overflow she can pour her beautiful affection and real love positively into the world.

3. LOOK. Here she will begin to go deeper by engaging in self-examination regarding her relationships with herself, others, and God/Higher Power. 

4. LAMENT. Your goal here, dad, is to get close enough to hear her heart cries and true longings while making amends for any hurts you’ve caused her. 

5. LISTEN. Now it’s time to flip the script where she will ask you questions about your life while learning to take an interest in your story and expand her skill set as an active listener.

I always say that your daughter didn’t come with a playbook, but I’m going to help you write one. By following this practical, action-oriented book, as a #girldad you will increase your confidence and competence as your focus becomes sharper in knowing how to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter. 

So let the talking begin!

Dadvice: What to Do When Your Daughter Gets On Your Last Nerve

I had the privilege of hearing renowned author Anne Lamott speak at Powell’s, one of our infamous Portland bookstores. At one point in her talk she had us all uproariously laughing when she admitted that years ago as a new mom and exhausted single parent she had the understandably human thought to put her crying newborn baby boy outside…for just one night…with the dog! (As if those last two qualifiers somehow made it okay!)

It was refreshing to hear Anne’s gut-level honest disclosure about parenting. And it was clear from the enthusiastic response of the crowd that her irreverent revelations about her secret thought life when it comes to mothering brought a bit of relief because most likely every mom and dad in the room could relate to the fact that:

1. Parenting is hard.

2. Parenting is exhausting.

3. Parenting is relentless with no reneging on the commitment.

4. Parenting takes more out of mom and dad than each knew they were signing up for.

5. Parenting has the potential to lead two rational adults to the brink of insanity!

Now let’s shift gears and focus specifically on fathering. 

As a dad you no doubt have had your buttons pushed by your daughter (probably this week…or even today…especially as she grows older). You may have found yourself wondering how she figured out the password that gained her access into your internal hard drive, the one that activates every response in you that you promised you’d never have as a father. 

And there you are, responding in anger or with a harsh reaction, impatience, or indifference, only then to realize that you are regrettably hurting the one who not so long before had you driving around with a sign in the car window that read, “Precious Cargo on Board.”

And though I never want to come across as a “know-it-all,” I’d love to offer a word picture that might come in handy next time she gets on your last nerve and you’re ready to move in a more positive direction. 

Think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a delicate little flower. 

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her.  

Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful?

Truth be told:  This is how you still need to think of “holding her.”  She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She still needs to be handled with kid gloves, even when she’s being challenging.

I’d even suggest posting one of her baby pictures in a place where you see it every day as a daily reminder that she has a special place in your heart, even when you’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.

One thing that my dad has had to do with me at times like this is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways).  I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him (or for most men), but it can be done. 

I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect, but I do want to challenge you to have a conversation with your mouth and commit to not venting anger or reacting with harshness toward your daughter from this day forward. Or at least for today. 

And the next time you’re triggered, choose to walk away and ground yourself first by breathing deeply or getting some fresh air before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful little flower with your words of life. You’ll both thrive as a result. 

Dads, Lead Your Daughter to Say MORE than Yes to the Dress

I thought I’d surprise you today with an exciting personal update because I have some REALLY BIG NEWS! 

I just got married last weekend and I’m on my honeymoon right now! (*I’ll share more details about my new husband at the end so read on…)

I’m so happy to share my love story with you and if you have a single daughter who longs to be married, I trust that the things I’m sharing today will also help you be more sensitive to her in this season of her life. Also, if you have a single daughter who longs to be married, I trust that the things I’m sharing today will also help you be more sensitive to her in this season of her life.

First, I want to begin by saying that I’m one of those women who is okay sharing her age, so here goes: I just turned 60 last month and this is my first (and only) wedding!! This translates to the fact that I have lived through every possible feeling when it comes to embracing my marital status through the years: content, miserable, lonely, satisfied, restless, resigned, cranky, happy, and on it goes. And as you can also imagine, I’ve been the recipient of every sentiment imaginable (mostly unsolicited), and just to give you a flavor of some of the literal things people have said to me, here’s a sample: 

“It’s hard to imagine that a guy hasn’t snatched you up.”

“The reason you’re not married is because you’re just too dang picky.”

“When you least expect it, he’ll show up.”

“I can’t believe you’ve never been married because you seem so normal.” 

The reality is that none of these comments were helpful…or accurate. And as you could probably guess, many times comments like these felt hurtful despite the potentially good intentions of those who said them, not withstanding the fact that they often weren’t true. 

Of course it’s all water under the bridge, but I’m here to say that your single daughter has probably heard similar things. And because I’ve learned a thing or two about “waiting for the right one” because I’ve waited a very long time for that right one, I want to share some things I believe your single daughter needs to hear from you so that she doesn’t settle for “Mr. Right Now” but instead waits for “Mr. Right.” 

You can see by the title of this blog that today’s theme is tied to the TV show, “Say Yes to the Dress.” If you’ve never seen it, I imagine your daughter has. Truth be told, I’ve watched more episodes than I dare to admit, but suffice it to say that I think there’s a bit too much time, money, and energy spent on buying the perfect dress, finding the perfect guy, planning the perfect wedding, all to have a perfect life. 

There’s not much focus on the importance of embracing a healthy, vibrant marriage or the part after she buys the dress. And equally important, what about the myriads of women who never get proposed to, but are longing to say “yes” to the guy and the dress?

All of this got me thinking: What if dads across America stepped in and led their daughters to think beyond the dress and the day. The reality is that you, Dad, have more influence in this area that you may realize.

Way too many women are inadvertently believing the lie that they’re not a success unless they’re dating, engaged, or married. That message is being perpetuated…everywhere…and it needs to stop!  

Your daughter needs YOU to help her stand tall in TRUTH so she can step into her calling without pouring all of her hopes and dreams into a fairy tale.

Your input into your daughter’s life has the power to carry a counter cultural message-which is that she has vibrancy and purpose beyond her marital status.

Here are two practical truths that your single daughter needs to hear from you today that will help her see that there is MORE to who she is and to her future than waiting to be married:

1. Tell her she’s beautiful and competent, qualified, and “enough” just the way she is, right where she’s at, whether or not there’s a boyfriend in the picture. 

Your daughter needs more encouragement, more support, and more validation from you in extra measure if she’s single. And even if she’s dating someone or already married, she still will thrive when hearing that you believe in her, are proud of her, and that you love her fully and completely (as a work in progress, just like you).

2. Let her know that even if she never gets married, you’re not disappointed in her and are proud of her for being her unique self.

Focus on highlighting what she is doing, not what she isn’t. And I don’t know why it is, but a lot of us women have believed that our parents will be happier if we have a husband and give them grandchildren. So when we feel we’ve failed to make our parents happy or proud of us in those areas (even if it’s never been communicated directly), we feel like a failure. This is where fathers are so important when it comes to communicating affirmation of their daughters at every age regardless of marital status. 

One last practical idea if your daughter is single. I promise that if you do this, dad, you will make a lasting heart deposit that she’ll always remember.

Dad, your affirmation of your daughter, coupled with your full support as she lives out her passions and dreams, will go a long way toward supporting her to live an empowered, authentic, fulfilling life whether or not she ever gets married. 

And as long as we’re on the topic of weddings, the best gift you can give me is to actively pursue your daughter’s heart today! Even better, write me at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com and share your stories of impact so that when I return from my honeymoon my inbox will be full of heart-warming, life-breathing, dad-daughter love stories.

Before I wrap up this blog, I want to close by telling you about the man that God brought into my life (just in case you’re wondering!).

My new husband’s name is Dr. Ken Canfield and he’s founded the National Center for Fathering 30 years ago. I’ve known him professionally since 2011 and he wrote the forward to my first book in 2014.Also, I had been friends with his deceased wife Dee for years before she died of a long-term illness. Then God surprised both Ken and I by revealing that he wanted us to partner together for life and we can hardly wait to do MORE life and MORE ministry together, especially in the area of the dad-daughter relationship [Yes, I’m saying MORE than “YES to the DRESS!”]

This is why marriage was worth the wait for me because I’m now married to a man whose values and vision and passion aligns with mine. 

I’ll keep you posted on projects we’ll be working on together in the months and years ahead, starting with the release of my new book on August 4 titled, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters.”You can pre-order now on Amazon here, or any other book retailer. 

Thanks for all your love and support!

Love, Michelle Watson Canfield

What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads of daughters. There is tender, fierce strength that I witness time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men in The Abba Project or when I travel the country speaking at men’s conferences. I love hearing your stories. I am grateful to be trusted with your fears. At other times I witness your tears (even if you say they’re “just allergies!”).  
I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the truth about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces in our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,

2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and

3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on

   the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative

   end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected

relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us.

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation, specifically in relation to dads of daughters, I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

• He feels emotionally connected to her, especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us as daughters feel our father’s love when you are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us.

When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter know how you really feel about her when she looks in your eyes and sees your eyes leak a little while you communicate love in ways deeper than your words.

TRUTH OR DARE: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter…But Should

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged. \

And not just challenged to do something possible, but something BIGGER and HARDER than they could ever imagine doing. 

Case in point: I watched a documentary where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp while paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. When asked why they did it, their collective responses were always the same: “to prove that we could.”

I had a question come to mind as I witnessed willing and able-bodied men go the distance physically despite harsh conditions that sapped them of their last ounce of energy: Are these guys equally responsive to opportunities to prove they can push past their limits with something potentially more important, that of enthusiastically pursuing and engaging their daughter’s hearts on a daily basis? 

I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan, especially when she’s confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating. 

So right here, right now, I’m counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth:

Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare:

Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly while you invest in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get angry or be hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing. If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then after reading it, make sure that you talk about it with her on your date. Having the conversation in person may be hard for one or both of you, but it’s really powerful when you add your voice to the mix so she can hear your heart.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter. 

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!

What Does it Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually In This Intense Season?

If you were to sit with me in my counseling office or overhear conversations I’m having during this Covid-19 season, you would be privy to heavy conversations that are bulging with spiritual questions often wrapped in the word, “Why?”

• Why would God deliver a death blow to the entire world? 

• If God has all power, why is He allowing this to continue even though people are praying for healing?

• Why doesn’t God stop the madness so people aren’t terrified or contemplating suicide because of it being too much?

• If God is love, why is He letting so many good people die?

Clearly, there are no easy answers to these complex questions. Yet I submit this to you as dads: 

Instead of believing that you need to have all the answers, use your daughter’s questions as a starting point for conversations that invite her to open up with the freedom to simply ask them. Then sit together in the mystery of your unanswered questions while bonding through the process. 

Dad, I realize that I may be treading on sacred ground here as I provide suggestions about what I believe it means to be a spiritual influence in your daughter’s life. Please understand that I am approaching this subject with the greatest reverence.  

I am not seeking to dictate or dominate because I realize that spiritual beliefs and practices are a very personal thing.  

But I would like to propose some ideas of what I believe it means to spiritually lead your daughter, specifically during this pandemic season where the hard, legitimate questions are being asked. Teach her that process is messy, but that it can lead us to dig deeper while talking things out. Your daughter needs to know that it’s okay to doubt, to express, and to feel her feelings, which may include getting angry at God and questioning Him, all the while learning to tolerate her discomfort. 

My suggestions here are not only based on my experience personally and professionally, but also from first hand information I’ve received from girls and young women over the past four decades who have shared their hearts with me about what they would like to experience from their dads with regards to spiritual leadership.

Here are some practical things that you can start doing today in order to engage your daughter spiritually:

• Let her see you engaging in your own spiritual practices. Because more is caught than taught.  

• Pray with her about things going on in her life, which means that you’re asking her questions about her life, boys, school, work, commitments, friends, activities, etc.
  (I know that dads often are intimated by the idea of praying, especially out loud. Truth: you don’t have to be perfect at it. Let your daughter see you try, even if it’s awkward. It’s okay to say just three sentences in prayer…your daughter will be impacted by you praying over her and with her because it’s your heart that matters).

• Reveal your own questions about spiritual things. Let her know you have questions about God, the Bible, theology, church practices, etc. while demonstrating that asking questions is normal and healthy. Find answers to her questions and make it fun to search for answers with her and on your own. Make it a creative process to find answers. Then report back on what you find.

• Write out a prayer for her in a note, through a text, or an email.

• Open up about what you’re learning from the Bible…or a book or study (not in a way that preaches at her or has hidden statements to convict her. This is about you sharing what you are personally gleaning spiritually in your own life. Be vulnerable and honest).

• Share how God is convicting you.  This one may be harder to open up about and one where discretion obviously is warranted, but if you let your daughter know how God is speaking to you, followed with modeling the fact that you are listening and responding, this will go farther than any lecture you can ever give her.

• Tell her what God is doing in your life. Talk about answers to your prayers.

• Ask her what she believes.  Listen, learn, and no lectures. Ask questions to draw her out without necessarily sharing your beliefs at first because if this is new for you to dialogue about spiritual things, it may take awhile for her to open up honestly. Wisely choose your words without lecturing. Take an interest in her beliefs and look through her eyes.  Seek to understand her.

• Go to a Christian/spiritual concert with her by one of her favorite artists. Right now this will need to be done online since we’re all quarantined, but the upside is that you’ll save money on concert tickets while sharing in a remote experience with her!

• Attend her church with her or invite her to yours. Again, with most churches currently offering some kind of online experience, you can now do this from the comfort of your own home. Then talk about the sermon afterwards.

• Sing worship/spiritual songs with her and listen to the lyrics that touch her spirit.  

• Ask her to share about a spiritually significant time in her life. Then share one of yours.

• Buy her a book on a spiritual theme. Read it with her. Share what you both learn.

Investing in your daughter’s heart spiritually is a key part of being a dad who leads. And though the majority of men I speak with would disqualify themselves from spiritual leadership for one reason or another, I implore you to be a dad who goes against the norm as a statistic-breaker by being a father who intentionally invests in this way.

Think of it as taking the initiative to lead her spiritually in the same way you approach sports. As you step up to the plate with the bases loaded (a.k.a. there’s a lot of pressure on you), it’s your turn at bat. If you put your whole body into it and swing hard, the rest will take care of itself. You just have to push past your fear and do it.

Your confidence will build as you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life…and yours. Choose to proactively embrace all that is being stirred up right now so that your spiritual leadership muscles have an opportunity to grow and strengthen. 

Start today by choosing one action item from the list above and the rest will fall into place. 

There really is no better time that the present to begin to lead spiritually so your daughter will always remember that this was a season where you both went deeper…together. 

(If you would like a free pdf of this blog titled “The Baker’s Dozen for Leading Your Daughter Spiritually” just click here)