How to Talk With Your Daughter About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

[LONG BLOG ALERT! Yes, this is the longest blog I’ve ever written…and that is due to it being a very complex topic that merits a thorough overview, which I believe will ultimately lead you to greater success in navigating this conversation with your daughter. Read as much or as little as you need…and then share with other dads (and moms too). Go team!]

Is it just me or are you experiencing a bit of déjà vu right now? It seems like the sexual revolution of the 60’s is back again. That was a time when themes of sex, sexuality, sexual liberation, and all that goes with it, hit our American culture like an unexpected tsunami.

Now here we are, over 50 years later, and our nation is in a similar place. In our day, knowing how to talk with your daughter about issues like sexual orientation, gender identity, and same-sex attraction can seem overwhelming.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, you’re probably drowning in conversations around these topics lately. Yet most fathers have no idea where to start in navigating these issues, let alone speak into their daughter’s life about them. But we can’t avoid this topic anymore. This is the world your daughter lives in, and she needs you to help her process it (even if she doesn’t know it!).

It’s clear. If you’re not talking about these things with your daughter, you need to be. Even if you’re uncomfortable. If you don’t weigh in on these subjects with her, then every other voice will outrank, influence and guide her except yours.

Understanding Cultural Pressure

To illustrate the current cultural magnitude of this topic, if you type into your search engine, “how to talk with your child about gender” you’ll see nearly 600,000 results.

You’ll see everything from gender fluidity to gendered pronouns to transgender to LGBTQ to non-binary to gender nonconforming. The list goes on. Your daughter is clearly growing up in a world that is very different than the one you grew up in.

I receive increasing numbers of emails from dads asking me how to navigate this tricky topic of sexuality and same-sex attraction with their girls.

Real Dads with Real Questions

Here are two recent examples of questions on these topics:

“My 13-year-old daughter has made huge progress this year, and I have been relentless in trying to empower her. We are proud of her accomplishments, but also are concerned that she now is questioning whether she’s attracted to boys or girls. How do I guide her while she is questioning her sexuality?”.

“My daughter is 25 and has been in a homosexual relationship for about 2.5 years. I feel it’s my fault for not connecting with her in her preteen years. I am a Christian and believe that God has something better for her than this lifestyle. How do I connect to her to help pull her out of this situation? Desperate.”

You can hear these father’s hearts and cries for help. They don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. But they also admit that they really don’t know the right thing to say either.

My goal is to support you as a dad so that your interactions with your daughter have a better chance of being successful, especially around the issues of same-sex attraction and sexuality.

So, I want to share my response to this second email above. Perhaps my words will provide some key talking points for you to use with your daughter.

My Response for Dads on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dear Desperate Dad...

I’m glad you reached out and are open to hearing some of my thoughts and ideas. I acknowledge that you’ll be weighing my input with your own conscience as you choose your next steps with your daughter.

First, I love that you want to connect with your daughter to talk about her same-sex relationship. Yet, truth be told, since she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions and likely won’t listen to you because you hold a position different than hers.

Your primary goal must be to connect with her heart. This begins with being a great listener more than being a great talker. Ask questions that invite her to share what’s going on in her life rather than forcing her to hear your thoughts and opinions.

Second, when you do talk to her about this weighty subject, there needs to be a solid relational foundation under it first. So, let me ask: Are you regularly connecting with her to talk about lighter, broader topics? So, it can hold this heavier, more intense topic? If not, start there.

Next question: How close would you say the two of you are on a scale of zero to ten (with ten being the closest)? If your number is five or below, I would suggest waiting to talk with her about her relationship. Hold off until you’ve connected with her about other areas of her life that have less potential for misunderstanding, hurt, hostility, arguments, etc.

Third, as much as we believe that the Bible is clear in stating:

• That God has created us as His male and female image bearers (Genesis 1:26)

• Where a man is directed to leave his father and mother to be united to his wife as one flesh (Genesis 2:24)

• No longer two but one, with no one separating what God has joined together (Matthew 19:4-6)

The reality is that not everyone interprets the Bible the same way.

Of course, we can use the Bible to speak into the lives of those we love. But when all is said and done, each of us has a free will where we choose to respond to God’s Word individually. With your daughter being a grown adult, she has to choose for herself which path to take.

The more poignant question then becomes: How will you love her even when she makes choices other than what you would prefer or choose for her?

Wise Words from a Seasoned Saint

I remember listening to the 20/20 interview between Hugh Downs and Billy Graham back in 2003. It was (and still is) one of the most powerful and gracious perspectives on the topic of same-sex attraction I’ve ever heard.

Here is the actual transcript of their conversation:

Hugh: I’d like to get your opinion also about homosexuality. What do you feel about that?

Billy: Yes, well I think that the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin...but, the Bible also teaches that pride is a sin, jealousy is a sin, and...hate is a sin, evil thoughts are a sin. And so, I don’t think that homosexuality should be chosen as the overwhelming sin that we are doing today.

Hugh: If one of your children had been gay, would you have ceased to love that child?

Billy: No. I would not. I would love him even more maybe!

Come Humbly to Your Daughter

Here’s how I closed my letter to “Desperate Dad”:

That said, I would advise you to come humbly to this conversation with your daughter.

Be fully aware that you are neither her judge nor jury.

• Ask her questions about how she experienced her pre-teen years when you weren’t there for her.

• Make amends and ask forgiveness while being aware that you too are a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy.

• Remind yourself that her choices are no worse than those you’ve made.

• You can share your fears or concerns at some point, but make sure they are first covered with prayer, grace, love, gentleness, and “seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).

If she feels your judgment, she will distance herself from you rather than experiencing the love of a father who champions his daughter.

I pray your daughter will always know that you unconditionally love her as she rests in knowing that the door to your home and your heart is always open to her.

Sincerely, Dr. Michelle

Responding to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dad, I acknowledge that this level of deep dialogue can easily be riddled with emotional landmines. Yet there’s no better way to expand your comfort zone than to pursue your daughter’s heart.

I’m inspired by Mark Yarhouse and Julie Sadsusky in their groundbreaking book, Emerging Gender Identities: Understanding the Diverse Experiences of Today’s Youth.

In it they encourage parents to turn to their faith to direct their responses when their kids need them to process these kinds of complicated issues. Here is their challenge:

The way you personally talk about transgender people (and similar-related topics) will absolutely inform your child’s level of comfort in sharing their journey with you. If you talk in a way that is mocking, condemning, or dismissive, your child will likely expect the same from you about their story.

If you talk in a way that is thoughtful, curious, honoring of the dignity of people, and dispassionate, you may find that they trust you as a guided resource in their own questions (p. 149).

As you read their words, you may struggle to follow their suggestions because you fundamentally stand against these issues.

Or you would rather not talk about them. You may believe that if you ask more questions and listen to your daughter’s viewpoints on gender identity, sexual orientation, or same-sex attraction she may misinterpret your openness as condoning her behaviors, opinions, or beliefs.

What the Bible Says about Your Response

I understand your stance. Yet I believe that the best position you can take as a dad with a daughter who is choosing a lifestyle other than the one you would choose for her is captured in one single verse in Luke 15.

“But while he [the son] was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20

This is the parable of the prodigal son. Jesus uses it to share about His Father whose children often choose to walk away from Him despite His consistent love and support. There are five proactive things this father does here:

1. He sees his child (who is in a compromised state, wayward, in process, messy).

2. He is filled with compassion (open-hearted, available, no judgment).

3. He runs toward his child (takes the first step, eagerly moves forward in pursuit).

4. He embraces his child (physically expresses love, warmth, and joy).

5. He kisses his child (focuses on demonstrating love rather than lecturing or pointing out obvious poor choices and errant ways).

This is a powerful roadmap to guide you as a father in knowing how to pursue your daughter’s heart. Even amid questions about these complex issues. In addition, consider the significant role you have in building a bridge to God as her Father by ensuring that she knows the door to your home and your heart are always open.

Strategies for Talking with Your Daughter

Now let’s get practical. As you prepare to engage your daughter in topics of gender identity, sexual orientation or same-sex attraction, here are my recommendations:

1. Begin by asking questions. (Goal: be curious, not critical)

2. Don’t talk at her; talk with her. (Goal: listen, don’t lecture)

3. Model mutual respect. (Goal: dialogue, don’t dominate)

4. Remember this is a two-way interaction. (Goal: talk and listen)

5. If appropriate, end by sharing your thoughts/beliefs/convictions with her. (Goal: honesty with humility)

Questions to Ask Your Daughter

If you’re ready to start the conversation about sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or same-sex attraction, here are a few questions you can ask your daughter:

1. Have you known someone who has been teased or criticized about their sexuality or sexual orientation?

2. What are your thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions about someone being straight, gay, trans- gender, bi-sexual, non-binary, or non-gender (one who experiences gender as both male and female)?

3. How would you describe the cultural climate around you in response to someone saying that he or she is straight? Is it accepted? Or is exploration around sexuality encouraged and celebrated, even questioned, and how does that impact you?

4. How do you view your own sexuality? Would you describe yourself by using any of these terms listed above (#2) or would you describe yourself another way?

5. I want you to know that I love you and I always will. Have I ever made you feel unlovable, unaccepted, or unworthy because of your sexuality? Or for any other reason?

6. Is there anything about my beliefs or convictions or attitudes that has ever shut you down or made it hard to talk with me about these things?

7. How can I better support you now that we’ve talked honestly and this is all out in the open?

8. Would you be willing to hear my thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions around sexuality? My goal isn’t to preach at you, dominate you, shame you, or belittle you, but I would appreciate being able to share my heart with you for a few minutes. Would that be okay? [If she says no, you must honor her by lovingly ending the conversation there. Perhaps she’ll be open to hearing from you at another time. Your warm response today will set a foundation for the future, even if she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts right now.]

Dad, now is the time to build your competence and confidence as you invest in your daughter’s life by talking with her about these topics, leading with bold intention and courageous pursuit with a foundation of honor, love, and respect.

The Garrison of Comparison

I can’t believe how often I get nicked by “the garrison of comparison.” That’s what I’ve been calling it lately.

A garrison is “a body of troops stationed in a fortified place.”

This definition creates a picture in my mind of the people I compare myself to. When I was younger, it showed up in the form of sibling rivalry. Now it’s more about others who are succeeding in areas where I wish I was. The reality is that I see all of these people standing around me as a “body of troops” and I’m the one stuck in the middle, the one who ends up feeling immobilized and trapped, “stationed in a fortified place” when I size my life up next to theirs.

I often describe this kind of thinking as being in a hamster wheel, running fast, yet going nowhere.

I wish I didn’t do this or think like this. I wish I could stay in my lane without looking in my peripheral vision to see the “runner” next to me. Yet whether I’m looking at someone else’s successes or opportunities or at their body shape or martial status (this was significant before I was married), it too often catches me by surprise. And once it grabs hold, it doesn’t let go very easily.

As you hear me say these things, do any of my words remind you of things you’ve heard your daughter express?

If she hasn’t revealed them to you, I would venture a guess that she’s been garrisoned by the trap of comparison just like I have. And I imagine that it’s seeking a stranglehold on her, just like it has on me.

So what can you do to guide your daughter to avoid the comparison trap?

1. Ask her to share how or where or in what ways she compares herself to others.

2. Tell her what you see when you view her life---work ethic, commitment, endurance, generosity, strength of character, etc.---so she can replay your perspective to combat her critical thoughts.

Perhaps, like me, you’ve read II Corinthians 10:12 that says comparing and measuring ourselves to others not only isn’t wise, but it’s like “moving into someone else’s territory” (The Message Bible). That really is what it’s like when we don’t stay in our lane to run our own unique race that’s set before us.

I want to be free from comparison. I’m sure your daughter does too.

So I decided to take some action and created a visual diagram. [This is a practical exercise to do with your daughter].

I drew a circle with the word “me” in the center. Then I wrote the names of people in my life who I compare myself to all around that circle. There in black and white I had to admit that jealousy comes up for me even though I love these friends and celebrate their gifts and opportunities.

I noticed the negative feelings I had inside as I faced the harsh realities before me.

But then, by way of contrast, I drew a second picture. Again, I started with a circle and wrote “me” in the center, but this time I wrote the names of the Trinity (Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit) around me.

Immediately I felt calm inside. It was almost as if I was getting a hug from the Three of Them! I realized anew that when I look at my reflection in Their mirror, I’m at peace with who I am and where I am.

[If you or your daughter aren’t comfortable relating to God in this way, you could make your second picture such that all around your daughter are the names of those in your family and her life who unconditionally love her, independent of anything she does or doesn‘t do, and ask her to notice how she feels].

I trust that wherever your daughter is at, you will reinforce the truth that she is precious just the way she is. Whether her body is too this or too that, whether she has or has not, whether she’s got it or doesn’t, whether she’s up or she’s down, the most important things to reinforce are that:

• You love her fully just the way she is

• God has His hand on her life, even if she can’t feel it

• As she keeps looking to God for the truth of her identity, she’ll be happier and steadier in her own lane, being her authentic self

That’s the beautiful kind of “fortified place” that will bring her safety, security and peace.

The Dialed-In Dad Checklist

Let’s be honest. None of us like someone else telling us what to do.

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about both our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

However, unlike our work environment, when it comes to assessing fatherhood, it’s another ballgame. In that arena, the likelihood of individual defensiveness is higher, especially if the person giving the feedback is a stranger (a.k.a. me to you). I can understand how it could come across as a personal attack when the input isn’t based on a full understanding of the entirety of a situation.

In view of that reality, dad, I want to offer you a way to evaluate yourself. No lecture. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the hood of your “car” and checking the wiring in order ensure optimum workability. And since we’re here at the end of the year, this is a great time to look back over 2019 and do some introspection…all for a greater gain.

I want to give you a tool that equips you to assess yourself in the area of fathering. No one else will see it but you. My hope is that in having a template for self-evaluation, you will be more honest than if someone was looking over your shoulder.

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to ask for help in order to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and clearer than may have realized.

That’s where I believe this self-assessment will serve as a proactive tool in your fathering toolbox because it will help you clarify your vision.

Let me add that I’ve absolutely loved hearing dads in The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30) tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a couple of years ago after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended.

Let’s get practical now.

After you take the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter.

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time.

Here’s the bottom line: Being intentional makes a big difference.

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey. (Use lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist to guide you here).

And if you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus.

By doing this, you’ll be clearer on where to take action so you can more specifically invest in your daughter’s life today.

p.s. If you want extra credit and are feeling extra courageous, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee that it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement!

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

Dad, Lead Your Daughter to LAUGH

I can’t believe that this week marks the first birthday of my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters…Whoo hoo!

As a fun way to celebrate this milestone, I want to highlight the first section of the book that starts with an important aspect of father leadership, and one that I believe we can all benefit from right now: MORE LAUGHTER!

Did you know that neuroscientists confirm the importance of laughing together, claiming that our brains release chemicals when we laugh in ways that strengthen long-term relationships and reinforce social bonding? Isn’t that amazing that God wired our brains to automatically release oxytocin to offset the stress hormone of cortisol simply by activating some merriment!

Listen to what authors Berezin and Liss had to say in their recent article, The Neuroscience of Laughter, and How to Inspire More of It at Work:

“Laughing swaps the cortisol in our bloodstream with highly sought after chemicals in the brain: dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins. Dopamine can enhance learning, motivation, and attention. And when Oxytocin, the “bonding chemical,” enters the bloodstream it creates feelings of relatedness while endorphins trigger feelings of pleasure by improving immune functioning, stress relief, improved cardiovascular health, reduced anxiety, sense of safety, and improved mood.”

How’s that for an incredible list of positive relational and health impacts as a result of connecting to humor with a bit of glee!

And if, by chance, you’re currently experiencing relational challenges with your daughter, rest assured that finding ways to express joy and activate shared laughter can help to soften any tension between you.So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

Here are some practical, light-hearted, fun, and funny questions to ask your daughter to not only lighten and brighten her day…but yours too!

Dad, ask your daughter:

1. What about me makes you laugh?

2. What item of my clothing would you love to see me get rid of

3. Do you ever think about your wedding day? If so, what do you imagine? If not, why not?

4. What are three outrageous things you wish you had the nerve to do?

5. If you could be any animal, which one would you say is most like you and why?

These questions are in Let’s Talk, and as a gift to you today for reading and sharing my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs, here’s a link to my e-book, which are the first three chapters: Let's Talk eBook.

Or you can buy the full version here on Amazon.

Enjoy…and happy laughing!

What Daughters Need to Hear From Their Dads (Guest Blog by Shaunti Feldhahn)

Shaunti Feldhahn is a dear friend of mine and it’s an honor to have her joining us again today. Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author. Her books, including For Women Only, For Parents Only, and The Kindness Challenge have sold more than 3 million copies around the world. The Feldhahns live in Atlanta with their two kids and two cats who think they are dogs.
~ Michelle

Dads—you’ve been there for first words, first steps, first stumbles. You’ve been there to mend the skinned knees and give out hugs. You’ve attended the ballet recitals, softball tournaments, and gone on late-night ice cream runs. You’ve helped study for exams, dried tears from first break-ups… you’ve been there.

And we know how much you love your precious daughter. But there’s something you might not know: just how much your daughter needs to hear it! In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these several key phrases have a lot more impact on the heart of a girl than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.

Here are four crucial things daughters need to hear from their dads:

#1: “I Love You, Sweetheart.” 

Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. This gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders “Am I lovable?” Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks “Do I measure up?” you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her and tell her just how loved and lovable she is! It is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

#2: “You’re Beautiful.” 

Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

#3: “I’m So Proud Of You.”

You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them (“Whew, I did something right!”). This is vital from any parent figure but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase!

#4: “I’m Always Here For You—Even When You Make Mistakes.”

You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court—but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

We all know there’s nothing like the bond between fathers and daughters. And knowing the words that truly reach your daughter’s heart (and using them often) is a gift you can give that will last a lifetime.

This article was also published at Patheos.

The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

I literally cannot believe I’m celebrating one whole year of marriage this week. Time sure flies!

So as a way to let you hear Ken’s heart, I’ve invited him to write a guest blog focused on his ground-breaking book,
“The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers: Becoming the Father Your Children Need.”
This is the first of twelve books he’s written and many would say this is their favorite,
which is underscored by the fact that it’s been translated into ten languages!

I’m excited for you to learn some fathering secrets from my husband (I’m still getting used to that word, “husband!”) since he’s the founder of the National Center for Fathering and is deeply invested in the lives of dads.

This overview will give you evidence-based practices that you can immediately put into action as you pursue the hearts of your daughters and sons. Go Dad!
~ Michelle

For the past three decades I’ve spent countless hours listening to and surveying over ten thousand voices from fathers across America. Their responses, answers, comments, and experiences have set the foundation for what I’m sharing with you today. As a researcher, I’ve collected data, run statistical analyses, read diverse scientific journals, and interacted with professionals who are working with fathers. And yes, I’ve raised five children of my own as well.

Yet in listening to a number of men who are considered by professionals and their peers to be effective fathers, I’ve discovered that they are dads just like you and me, but have taken their fathering role strongly to heart and have excelled in it. They are master craftsmen. I’ve listened to these men because I want their wisdom and insights on how I, too, can become an effective father.

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

There are certain things that effective fathers do differently from all other dads. In fact, there are at least seven things. I call them the seven secrets of effective fathers, and if we learn them, we, too, can become better fathers.

That said, here are the seven secrets of effective fathers gleaned from the insights of respected journeymen:

1. Commitment
You may have turned your heart toward your children, but are you communicating that? Do your children know without a doubt that, in your heart, they stand head and shoulders above almost everything else? Verbalize your commitment to your kids, let them know you are accessible, and look for occasions (even create them) where you can simply have fun with your kids!

2. Knowing your child
What separates effective fathers from all other fathers is that they are also aware of who their children are as individuals. They know each child’s distinct personality traits, talents, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Our research revealed that effective fathers know when his child has a difficult day or is upset, the names of his/her best friends, what encourages and motivates his child the most, when he’s hurt his child’s feelings, when his child was embarrassed, and most of his child’s recent disappointments.

3. Consistency
Our research shows that an effective father is consistent in his moods, his presence in the family, his keeping of promises, his morality and ethics, his daily schedule, and his hobbies and interests. Of these categories, becoming consistent in your moods may prove to be the biggest struggle. But it is a struggle in which you can find victory. Many times, men who are inconsistent in their emotions are that way because they had fathers who were inconsistent. But we can make what I call regular and wise “midcourse corrections” to avert many life crises by a choice of our will. And just like a captain to his crew, the committed father turns to his family to bring them safely to port by saying, “Because I love you and want to guide you safely, I’m going to make the effect to draw a new map.”

4. Protection/provision
Our children need us to not only know their needs and work to meet those needs, but also to see us protect and provide for them. While some protective issues may be less visible than in days when we circled the wagons, there are still plenty of occasions where a father must rise up and protect those he loves, particularly in a crisis. A father’s positive response in the face of crisis is crucial, and though he might not be able to prevent a crisis, his actions can do a lot to determine the outcome when the crisis does occur.

5. Loving their mother
I have struggled to understand this secret. It seems to leave little room for variance. What about fathers whose wives have left them? How can these men apply this secret after they have experienced marital disruption? This secret creates a great difficulty for those men who sincerely love their children and want to be effective dads, but who have a hard time loving their children’s mother. The question is: Do you love your kids? Then one of the best things you can do for them is to love their mother--or at least maintain a civil relationship with her while committing to never undercut or disgrace her in front of them. The main benefit to your children is an atmosphere of security. And if you’re married: date your mate, model teamwork, show affection in front of your kids, or take your kids with you when you shop for a gift for your wife.

6. Active listening
Effective fathers have learned the discipline of giving their full attention to their children when they are speaking. They allow their children to disagree without becoming angry, and commit to creating an atmosphere of caring and acceptance that encourages them to share their ideas. Because the goal of listening is to gain an understanding of how our child perceives the situation, we will need to expand our skill set in learning to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions to grasp what our children are thinking and feeling.

7. Spiritual equipping
Actually, it’s understandable that many fathers feel inadequate when it comes to spiritual matters. We’re surrounded by many other people who seem so much better equipped than we are to foster our children’s growth. But don’t tell me that spiritual equipping doesn’t matter to your kids. They’re listening to what you say about God, and they take great comfort in your consistent, heartfelt expressions of faith in the Almighty. Effective fathers understand the spiritual aspects of their children’s lives, and they work to help their children discover their own relationship with God.

These seven secrets will stand you in good stead, but there is actually one thing you still lack. I need to tell you about the eighth secret.

With fathering, you can do your part by applying the seven secrets of effective fathers and it is likely you will reap a crop of well-equipped children who live their lives wonderfully, though there is no guarantee that this will happen.

This is why there is an eighth secret. And it is a mystery. In fact, this secret may be the most profound of them all.

Within each father there is a secret that he longs to express with his kids. It is each mans’ individual expression of his fathering.

Yes, fathering is a daunting and complex task, but only you can father your children. You are the only one in possession of that secret that God wants implanted in the lives of your children through you.

Effective fathers rise to the challenge, confident that the Heavenly Father will make up for their weaknesses and bless even their most uncertain efforts.

Seven secrets. Seven tasks. Seven wonders of the world. Yet if you’ve had the privilege of being present for the birth of your child, you instantly know that the grandeur of the Great Pyramids of Egypt or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon pale in comparison.

When your baby is born and you see his or her first breath, then you know you’ve seen the eight wonder of the world.

Eight wonders. Eight secrets.

A God of grace.

9 Ways to Start a Conversation About Romance with Your Daughter on Valentine's Day

Do you remember Valentine’s Day as a kid?

For me it was all about reading the fun messages on those little conversation hearts and eating the whole box in one sitting while figuring out whether to give my favorite Valentine to Steve Dobson or Dave O’Gieblyn.

I remember the class parties we’d have at the end of the school day every February 14th when everyone would finally open up their individually decorated boxes that held the Valentines our classmates had been putting there during the week. I can recall trying to be coy, but secretly hoping that those two boys in particular would give me an extra special Valentine that just might hold some clue as to whether they liked me back.

Yes, in sixth grade, that was as deep as this holiday got for me!

Funny as that is, I’m reflecting now on the fact that even as a pre-teen I was already tuned in to the way that Valentine’s Day had a mysterious, intriguing tone when it came to romance (even if I wasn’t fully aware of it back then!).

Before continuing, I want to assert that not all girls and women are into the romance thing. Some love it and some don’t. Yet in my experience, I would say that the strong majority of females are positively responsive when it comes to the idea of being pursued and romanced.

Let me say it another way as it relates to your daughter: She wants to be treasured by someone, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.

So, if this is the longing of her heart, you as her dad have the perfect opportunity this week to let her know that she’s the joy of your life, just like you felt when she was born [even if she’s in a season where she’s more reactive and less responsive].

In light of all this, Dad, here’s your challenge: Use this weekend to spend extra time with your daughter where you invite her to share her thoughts, feelings, longings, and opinions about romance…with you.

And if this kind of conversation isn’t “her thing,” that’s okay. I’ve talked with many dads who have still had lively discussions with their daughters on this topic, even when their girls responded negatively to the way our culture is positioned around this theme.

The important thing is to open up a conversation with your daughter while she gives voice to what’s inside her.

And to set you up for success, here are some questions you can ask her to lead the conversation about romance:

Dad, if you want to download a pdf of of these questions, click here

1. What do you remember it being like as a little girl when you’d see romance in books or movies? What did you like or not like in those stories?

2. It seems that a lot of Disney [or other] movies emphasize romance. As you look back, what are your thoughts about how romance was portrayed?

3. Now that you’re older, do you ever think about lessons you were taught about romance from your favorite books or movies? What were some of those lessons, especially regarding what it takes to be chosen and romanced?

4. What messages about being a girl/woman did you get from books or movies then…or now? Was there ever a message that being beautiful tied to being romanced?

5. Whether it was in fantasy (through books/movies) or real life, what have you seen or learned about the girls/women who don’t get chosen?

6. How do you see yourself when it comes to being romanced? Do you feel positively or negatively about it?

7. If you’re okay sharing it, what are your hopes, dreams, and thoughts about what you want romance to be like for you? Be as honest as you can, even if your wishes seem out of the realm of possibility.

8. Have you ever been romanced in the way you’ve envisioned or hoped it would be? What has meant the most to your heart to make you feel valued and important?

9. If I were to fill up your love tank by making you feel more loved and special, what could I do specifically to make you feel those things now? (Dad, be willing to press in here while encouraging her to be honest so you learn at least one or two specific ways to pursue her heart.)

For extra Dad points: Bring her a box of conversation hearts and tell her that you’re enjoying this conversation about her heart!

So that’s how you can make a forever love deposit into her heart. She talks and you listen.

To Valentine’s Day and beyond!

For a list of more questions to invite your daughter to open up with you, check out my newest book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters https://amzn.to/3fDAhZd

Just Ask the Butterfly

CONGRATULATIONS…You made it through 2020!

And now here we are at the start of this new year, and we're all collectively breathing a sigh of relief because we’ve lived through a year that threw us curve ball after curve ball. Whether it was working from home or doing school remotely while parents stepped in as insta-teachers or our changed plans due to Covid-19 (which I know personally after planning and then re-planning my June wedding), all the way to riots and election crazies.

To sum it up, we’ve all been forced to adjust, flex, adapt, and change. Then we had repeated rounds of being required to adjust, flex, adapt, and change.

In psychology, we use the term “window of tolerance” to describe that optimum zone where we’re at peak performance with just enough manageable stress to energize our performance without pushing us to max capacity where we crash and burn. In 2020, we all clearly were pushed to EXPAND our window of tolerance beyond what we thought we could tolerate.

But as we look back and reflect, I believe we will suffer a great loss if we focus primarily on the fact that we SURVIVED a difficult year rather than looking at specific ways that we THRIVED through it. Perhaps we even grew because of it.

This prompts me to ask you, Dad, these questions:

1. Do you recognize the ways that you have grown this past year? The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth and for your growing relationship with her.

2. Are you ready to lead your daughter to reflect on this past year to see where she’s grown or are you more apt toward wanting to forget what lies behind while reaching forward to what lies ahead?

The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth, and your growing relationship with her.

Just ask the butterfly.

The struggle isn’t the bad part if we choose to look through a lens that sees greater horizons ahead that are only possible due to our larger wingspan. And that larger wingspan has only come because we endured through the process of change.

As a father, I know that you don’t want to see your daughter [or any other women who are daughters] suffer. That stance is reasonable and it shows your deep love for her. Of course your heart hurts when hers is hurting. Yet there is real truth to these words by the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”

Stated another way, here’s how one man described the growth process: “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” (James 1:3-5)

So let’s talk about action steps that you can take as a father to lead your daughter to see where she’s grown in 2020.

I suggest that you take her on a date where you open up a reflective conversation. Share your thoughts on what 2020 has been like for you too so that both of you can grow together.

Here’s how you can help her consider specific ways that her wingspan has increased and strengthened this year by asking her:

1. What was the hardest/worst part of 2020?

2. What was the best part of the past year?

3. What was the biggest surprise (good or bad) that you experienced?

4. Is there anything that you thought would be bad, but ended up being good or not as bad as you thought it would be? (ex: altered school activities or school/work schedule, changed plans, different dynamics with friends, etc.)

5. What is one area where you’ve seen yourself grow the most in the last year?

Then end by saying to her:

“Here’s where I’ve seen you and I each grow from being stretched farther than we thought we could be stretched this year….[give specifics]

I’m so proud of you for persevering and not giving up even when it was hard.

As I look at you, I see an incredible butterfly who has broken through the cocoon and now you’re ready to fly higher with more grace than ever before.”

Recognizing your growth in 2020 is the best preparation for the flight to come in 2021!

Are You Ready For a Game-Changing Dad-Daughter Book?

Hey Dads...

I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book being released on August 4th titled, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. 

My heart motivation behind this book is YOU. And now the best way you can support me is to pre-order your copy today…and share this with your friends! [click here to preorder]

Because I’ve been listening to you as fathers of daughters for the last decade, here’s basically what you’ve told me:

“We want a book that tells us what to do and how to do it so we don’t screw up. It needs to get to the point so we can get it right when it comes to connecting with our daughters.”

You asked. I listened. 

As we all know, it can be a daunting task for dads and daughters to talk about the hard stuff, the deep stuff, the vulnerable stuff, and the complex stuff.  And a lot of dads have told me they prefer to leave some of those heavier topics to mom.

But trust me when I say that your daughter needs YOU to initiate conversations with her---about anything and everything. And even if those interactions are awkward at first, if you stay with it, you’ll see the positive impacts to her…and yourself!

Here’s the bottom line:

When a daughter opens her mouth, her heart opens.
And when a daughter’s heart is open, her dad’s heart automatically opens.

The most effective starting point for building a stronger dad-daughter bond is through TALKING. That’s why I wrote this book. I want to see healthier, closer relationships between dads and daughters so this generation of women is empowered with dad’s support to stand boldly, live confidently, love fiercely, give fully, and care deeply. 

My goal with Let’s Talk is to help you as dads close the communication gap with your daughters by showing you how to listen and build trust with insights and scripted questions that equip you to move from fun get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into your daughters’ struggles, hurts, fears, and hopes. 

Let’s Talk covers a large array of topics such as personality, future dreams, spirituality, sexuality, body image, depression, anxiety, and suicide, to name a few. With scripts in hand, you’ll be equipped to lead your daughter to:

1. LAUGH. This is a great starting point where you’ll share laughter so she can enhance her own self-discovery while opening up about light-hearted topics.

2. LOVE. By learning to love herself first, out of that overflow she can pour her beautiful affection and real love positively into the world.

3. LOOK. Here she will begin to go deeper by engaging in self-examination regarding her relationships with herself, others, and God/Higher Power. 

4. LAMENT. Your goal here, dad, is to get close enough to hear her heart cries and true longings while making amends for any hurts you’ve caused her. 

5. LISTEN. Now it’s time to flip the script where she will ask you questions about your life while learning to take an interest in your story and expand her skill set as an active listener.

I always say that your daughter didn’t come with a playbook, but I’m going to help you write one. By following this practical, action-oriented book, as a #girldad you will increase your confidence and competence as your focus becomes sharper in knowing how to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter. 

So let the talking begin!

TRUTH OR DARE: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter…But Should

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged. \

And not just challenged to do something possible, but something BIGGER and HARDER than they could ever imagine doing. 

Case in point: I watched a documentary where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp while paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. When asked why they did it, their collective responses were always the same: “to prove that we could.”

I had a question come to mind as I witnessed willing and able-bodied men go the distance physically despite harsh conditions that sapped them of their last ounce of energy: Are these guys equally responsive to opportunities to prove they can push past their limits with something potentially more important, that of enthusiastically pursuing and engaging their daughter’s hearts on a daily basis? 

I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan, especially when she’s confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating. 

So right here, right now, I’m counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth:

Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare:

Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly while you invest in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get angry or be hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing. If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then after reading it, make sure that you talk about it with her on your date. Having the conversation in person may be hard for one or both of you, but it’s really powerful when you add your voice to the mix so she can hear your heart.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter. 

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!