Burned Bridges

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring story I hear are from dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are lost on what to do next. Their hearts are breaking and they don’t know where to turn.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, one dad wrote:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of the situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to write her dad out of her life story. Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart - going after what he knows matters to her - while also honoring her requested need for space.

One of my close friends has been going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For almost 3 years now he has had very little contact with her. I’ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective…

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you, or is that a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months ago.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.” This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, strong stance like this must start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my books, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. Start with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you, or perhaps a text - without expecting a response - as long as you are honoring her boundaries.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge. If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about being right, then you can try these three steps:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer 

“I know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities

“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?” 

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct)

(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me halfway and not be as emotional this time around.” 

The key here is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution, because the severity of offenses vary, but the presence of any demands on your part will backfire indefinitely in reaching out to her in love. 

To close, here is some of my response to the hurting father at the start of this blog:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

3 Crucial Questions A Dad Needs To Ask His Daughter

If you’re like most dads, you want clear, specific, practical, action-oriented ideas that work to connect with your daughter’s heart. I hear you and have something to share with you today that you're going to love: three questions to ask your daughter.

But first, here’s a few thoughts to set the stage for the conversation you’ll be having with her.

Since the launch of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I’ve been using John Gray’s terminology to describe my awareness that I, as a woman, live on Venus and you, Dad, live on Mars. I’ve found that this creative terminology helps to explain something we all know:

As men and women, we often miss each other’s intent and meaning in our communication because we speak two very different languages.

I’ve actually been planet hopping for over a decade, and the more traveling I do between our respective spheres, the more I’ve sought to transport observations I’ve made from my planet to yours…and vice versa.

One of the observations I’ve collected is something that I’ve noticed about many men. Essentially, it’s that you are often motivated by crisis or need. Stated otherwise: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

To illustrate, rather than focus on you as men, I’ll highlight an ordeal that my mom lived through.

When she was almost 80 years old, she was still working as an RN at the VA (Veterans Affairs). And being the vibrant and active woman that she was then, she typically walked an hour a day, five or six days a week. And though she began noticing a slight shortness of breath for about a year, she thought it was just part of the aging process and downplayed it.

But on one particular Monday, her symptoms intensified, and this started the fastball rolling when my dad rushed her to the ER that evening. Four days later she had emergency open heart surgery. Her surgeon said he’d performed 14,000 heart surgeries during his career and had never seen an aortic valve so calcified—86%! Yes, it’s a miracle that she survived, and thankfully she is still thriving today, six years later.

Here was the question we all asked back then: How could a woman who was very active and in seemingly fine health have such a huge blockage to her heart without any awareness?

Answer: Things had gradually been taking place in her body such that she had acclimated to the changes over time. And because there hadn’t been a crisis, there was no motivation to explore the apparent minor signs and symptoms that were signaling to her that there was a problem. A very serious problem.

Reality suddenly became clear when the crisis arose. And it was the crisis that changed everything.

We all agreed that it would have been so much better and wiser had she tuned into the warning signs before it got to the desperation-emergency-almost-lost-her point.

Here’s the reason I’m sharing this story with you today: to highlight that sometimes it’s the same way with your daughter.

It may seem like things are fine within herself and even between you. But what if more is going on under the surface that she…and you or her mom…aren’t tuning in to?

Maybe you’re assuming that everything is on par because there’s no obvious crisis or need and because she seems okay and hasn’t gotten into trouble or given you cause for concern. Or maybe she’s been a great kid who follows the rules, gets fantastic grades, and hasn’t rebelled. So you conclude that she’s all good and she’ll stay that way. This is where it’s key to have regular check in’s and check up’s, just like my mom will now be doing for the rest of her life.

Why not take time now to tune in by taking steps to connect with her insides (a.k.a. her heart and her mind, thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, wonderings, questions, opinions, needs, longings, feelings, dreams, etc.) rather than risking the potential of emergency treatment down the road? At that desperation point it’s ten times harder to get a handle on things.

So here’s your action step and it’s probably not what you think! This isn’t about you asking your daughter how she’s doing. Instead, it’s about letting her give you feedback on how you’re doing as a dad….in relationship to her.

The reality is that this conversation will give her space to actually reveal some of her heart to you, which will in turn give you a glimpse into what she needs and wants.

Here are three questions you can ask your daughter today:

1. How am I doing as your dad overall? 

2. On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me right now as your dad (with 10 being the best, 0 being the worst)?

3. What can I work on to be a better dad to you?

It may be scary to ask these deeper questions, but I challenge you to do it anyway. And if she gives you a high score and says there’s no room for improvement, perhaps you could offer one idea that you believe would “up your game” so you are more engaged as her father.

Your daughter may or may not be honest with you, but you can still invite her to respond. She may not feel safe to answer if she fears your reaction. So assure her that you won’t get angry or be defensive. Tell her that you truly want to hear her thoughts and feelings. And if she doesn’t have the courage to tell you her thoughts face to face, suggest that she write her response and text it to you later.

If you want a better, stronger, healthier, and more vibrant relationship with your daughter, I encourage you to ask these three questions a minimum of once a year (option: meet every six months to re-evaluate).

Are you in? Now you have a script ready to go should you dare to accept this challenge!

I’d love to hear from you after you ask your daughter these questions. Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com

• Was it as hard as you thought it would be?

• Did she say what you thought she would say?

• Did you learn anything about yourself after hearing what she told you?

• Did she give you feedback that you can use to change course with her and better connect with her needs and heart space?

To Fight or Not To Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Conflicts

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received not long ago from a young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My stepdad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Dad, as you consider what she wrote, let me ask you a question:

Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her stepdad or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her stepdad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.
Here’s why:

• You, Dad, have to lead by example

• Change has to begin with you

• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her.

Let me be more specific. If your daughter yells at you and you yell back, you’ve just given her permission to speak similarly and you’re essentially condoning this kind of interpersonal dynamic in your family. And that is where things quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). Therefore, you can’t justify a harsh reaction when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

You have to dig deep and pray a lot in order to model to her the response you want to see from her.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of sync. And guess what else I’ve discovered? You men want the same thing!

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are angry. I encourage you to walk away in the heat of the moment and give yourself a break that is as long as your age. If you are 40, then take a 40-minute time out to breathe and calm down.

I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa)

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.

Dad, Be the Positive Voice She Hears Even When You're Not in the Room

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately 20,000 per day while males use 7,000. Is that a crazy significant variance or what?! That’s essentially a 3:1 ratio where women talk three times more than men…every…single…day.

Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words.

I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right? Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you’re often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken.

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures. And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men!), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

In short, words have great value to females, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her or they can breathe life into her. It’s your choice.

I’ve often said that a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way. Yet this quote bears repeating. I once heard him say something that has stuck with me: “No relationship is neutral: You are either contributing to or contaminating the relationship.”

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• Not speaking (which is neutral---a.k.a. not positive) to her and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• Speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• Regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text her, email her, call her, FaceTime her, or write her a note just to tell her that you love her and are so thankful that you get to be her dad.

She’ll remember it forever. And trust me, she needs it.

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.

How To Survive Father's Day When You Hate The Day

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I hate Father’s Day"?

If you’re taking the time to read this blog, you’re probably one of many who’ll be holding their breath this weekend as you wish there was no such thing as a holiday that honors, highlights, and heralds fathers.

For you, that actually might be putting it way too mildly.

Your story might be one where you hate Father’s Day because you feel a heavy weight of emotions (that you may or may not be in touch with, but they’re under the surface, nonetheless) as you experience the intense nuances of this day.

Now you might be wondering why I’ve taken a turn from my usual stance of empowering and equipping dads in order to write from this vantage point. It’s because this is the side of fathering where real pain lives and this is the real place where your story needs to be acknowledged. At least to yourself.

The reason I’m writing to those of you who dread Father’s Day is because I love dads. At first glance that might not make sense. So let me be more specific.

I love healed and whole dads.
I love dads who are imperfect and admit it without hiding, excusing, shaming or blaming.
I love dads who are humble and willing to disclose weakness.
I love dads who are vulnerable, who say they’re sorry, and make amends.
I love dads who intentionally express love every day to their daughters and sons.
And I love dads who count it a privilege and a responsibility to help build a bridge to God as Father for their kids.

The bottom line is that I want to see fathers step up and take action by doing their own work. If not for themselves, at least for the sake of their daughters and sons.

All of this goes along with the fact that as a licensed professional counselor, I’ve devoted the last 30-plus years to walking alongside brave individuals who admit they have pain and then ask for help. I long for the day when healing and wholeness become top priorities for everyone, especially fathers. This translates to men being courageous enough to look within, to address their inner world, and to honestly face the impact all of it has on their relationships.

I’m writing today with great empathy for those of you who didn’t have a father who was willing or able to do those things. Thus, by default, you'd rather ignore this day as it serves as an annual reminder that your dad didn’t do his healing work and inflicted his woundedness onto you.

Sadly, I believe a large sector of our society has denied the impact of their childhood experiences on their current ways of living. Many have even chosen to live a duplicitous life and dissociated from their pain. Consequently, they’ve normalized their ways of responding and interacting, and have adjusted their decisions, choices and relationships accordingly. Because they’ve carried their emotional and relational pain into adulthood, they often end up transferring their unhealed wounds onto their kids and those around them.

On this Father’s Day if you feel triggered, overwhelmed, flooded, angered, saddened, and/or confused because your dad abandoned you, abused, neglected, rejected or harmed you in some way, I want you to know that I’m very sorry you’ve been hurt. And I implore you to hold to this truth: this is your dad’s stuff and not yours, even though he projected it onto you and now you’re left to deal with the impact.

I also want you to know that healing is possible. But you have to be willing to do the hard work.

If you’re ready to begin moving towards healing, I offer this four-step strategy if Father’s Day is one of the worst days of your year.

1. FEEL IT.
I love the adage, “what you don’t feel, can’t heal.” Start by acknowledging your real emotions about your dad (whether he’s deceased or alive, because we all know that a father’s imprint stays alive inside us forever). The flip side is that if you try and ignore your uncomfortable or negative feelings, you’ll most likely discover that your responses will come out another portal, such as overreacting, overcompensation, or overindulgence in other areas.

2. WRITE IT.
This is a common practice I use with my counseling clients that allows for honest, raw expression of what is inside. Let your pen on paper or fingers on keyboard flow freely as you tell your dad what you’ve never been able to say before----about your sadness, anger, fear or confusion. Try not to allow your internal critic to filter or qualify your words. You want to write as if you’re not giving the letter to him because the benefit to you is just getting it out.

3. TELL IT.
Now it’s time to share your story with a trusted friend or confidant. There is power in having a safe witness to your pain. More times than not, I’ve seen that it’s easier for all of us to minimize, normalize, and discount the profound impact that our family of origin is having on our current responses and functioning. Therein lies the significance of telling our stories to another person who can listen and validate while providing an outside perspective.

I realize this takes a big dose of courage to “share family secrets” or “air dirty laundry” outside of your family system. But I’ve seen the personal benefit to those who do this as they open the vault and vent to a confidential source. Reach out to someone and set up a time to talk before you change your mind.

4. RELEASE IT.
This is the most challenging step in our journey to healing. Of course it’s easier said than done to let go of father wounds (what your dad did do) or father voids (what he didn’t do), which is why I’ve placed this one last.

This step is about letting go of the hurts or any vengeance you hold against your dad. This is another way of saying that you’re willing to move towards forgiveness. I actually wrote my doctoral dissertation on forgiveness and spent over a year basking in the research on this subject. What I learned and found helpful is that:

• forgiveness is a process, not a single event.

• forgiveness isn’t tolerating inexcusable behavior

• forgiveness isn’t forgetting or justifying events or actions.

• forgiveness doesn’t mean there has to be reconciliation.

• forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself as you choose to stop rehearsing the hurt and release the grudge.

I believe that forgiveness often doesn’t hold long term because there hasn’t first been a thorough understanding of the depth of the injuries nor an evaluation of the ways those injuries have taken shape throughout our lifespan. It’s important to assess and honor our internal injuries in the same way a medical doctor assesses, diagnoses, and treats physical injuries.

This is why steps 1-3 above are vital to the process of dealing with father issues before the forgiveness process begins. Then you’ll be ready to start releasing the pain through feeling your feelings, writing a letter to your dad, sharing your story, and then handing everything over to God who says “vengeance is mine, I will repay” (Romans 12:19).

This is how you will make great strides toward healing so that you can be free. Your load will be lighter and you won’t have to carry it alone.

My hope is that by doing these four steps, you’ll not just survive Father’s Day this year, but that you’ll thrive today and in the days ahead.

How to Write a Letter to Your Daughter That She'll Never Forget

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. In a world where written communication is most often casual (texts, emails, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out.

I’ll never forget when Abba Project dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her, but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He had completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The beauty of putting your thoughts, dreams, love, truth, and feelings for your daughter into written form is so that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her both now and for years to come.

How do I know this? Because I and many other girls save our dad’s notes…forever!

I’ll tell you a heart story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago of creating one-of-a-kind birthday cards for all of us girls by using a template on his computer. [You can find the tools you need to create your own cards by typing the words “Hallmark Cards Studio Software” into your search engine.]

Without a doubt, my all-time favorite card is the one he made for my 50th birthday. He made a list of 50 things he and my mom love about me and number 33 is the one that melted my heart:

“SHE LOVES THE FROGS AT HER HOUSE.”

Here's a photo of my 50th birthday card from my dad:

I laughed uproariously when reading that because I had no idea he’d remembered such a seemingly insignificant thing that I’d said. But it showed me that he had listened when I said I absolutely love the sound that the choir of frogs make twice a year at the end of my street. It’s music to my ears. And he counted it among the things he loves about me.

And just so you know this annual card tradition continues to touch my heart, here’s the cover of the card my dad just gave me two weeks ago for my 62nd birthday. In other words, we girls are never too old to enjoy and treasure handmade cards from our dads!

I share all of this to say that whether or not you’re artistic or creative, just the fact that you notice and bring to light the unique things about your daughter, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, you are providing a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

Whether or not you’ve written letters before, here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person? (her character, personality)

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her 

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing isn’t your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life. 

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become. 

On your mark, get set, write!

Is Your Unattended Baggage Hurting Your Daughter? (Guest Blog by Marc Alan Schelske)

Marc Alan Schelske is a friend I greatly respect and admire. Today as you read his guest blog, you as fathers will no doubt be inspired by his profound insights to help you relate in healthier ways to your daughters.
- Michelle

That morning I got up early, hoping to enjoy some quiet before family and work obligations kicked in. I shuffled to the kitchen to brew myself some Earl Grey.

In the darkness, my shin collided hard with some unseen obstacle. I tripped and threw out my arms, catching myself as I fell against the wall. My impediment crashed across the hardwoods setting the dog to barking. That woke up the rest of my family.

Bruised, frustrated, annoyed at the dog, I switched on the light to see what had been so irresponsibly left in the hallway. There it was. The blue carry-on baggage that belonged to me.

The week prior I had made a quick weekend flight for a writer’s event. I flew home to a schedule already overfull. Jumping right into the rush of my week, I left my baggage unattended in the hallway, where it sat, waiting to trip some unsuspecting family member. Luckily it was me!

Unattended Baggage Can Be Dangerous

You’ve heard that recorded message that comes over the airport public address system, the one that warns about unattended bags? The airport officials are trying to protect against terrorism threats, but apparently unattended baggage can be a real terror in other ways.

This isn’t just a problem at the airport. Apparently it’s a problem in my hallway. It’s also a threat to our relationship with our daughters.

The truth is that all of us dads have baggage we’ve never unpacked. Our hearts carry wounds that have scabbed over with time but have never received the proper healing.This baggage is just sitting around waiting for someone to trip over it. If we’re not careful, it’s going to be our daughters.

How Does This Baggage Show Up?

Coming back from my trip, I quickly fell back into my routine. The luggage I’d not had time to deal with got pushed to the side of the hallway and quickly faded into the background. I forgot it was there until my shin cracked into it.

Our emotional baggage is much the same. Regardless of what trauma or pain we’ve experienced in the past, we find a way to make life work.

For some of us, the wounds are so deeply buried, that we don’t think of them—and that seems almost the same as if we had dealt with them. We seem fine.

So, can we know if we’ve got untended baggage before it’s too late? Sure! There are three clear flags. If these are present in your life in an ongoing way, you’ve got unattended baggage.

1) Unexpected Outbursts

I noticed my unattended baggage when my shin sent it careening down the hall, waking up my whole family with an unexpected crash. That’s often how our emotional baggage surfaces too. Unexpected, loud and painful.

A common example of this is a dad’s Zero-to-Rage speed. Scripture counsels us to be slow to anger, and yet many speed past that instruction. You can call it a short fuse. 

You can blame it on your daughter’s disrespect or poor listening. But nobody is responsible for your burst of anger except you. If unexpected anger bursts in on us, boiling over in angry words, name-calling, blaming language or worse, that’s a flag that we have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

2) Outsized Responses

When my baggage crashed across the floor, and the dog started barking, the whole ordeal was far noisier than it needed to be. Similarly, emotional baggage often surfaces with a much bigger “crash” than seems reasonable.

If your daughter does something irritating or forgets some small responsibility, how do you react? Think about the tone of voice you use, the type of language you employ, the level of consequence you apply.

If what she did, objectively, weighs in at about a 4 or 5 in terms of seriousness, but the intensity of your response to her is more like a 9 or 10, that’s an outsized response. Maybe you pride yourself on being a strict parent, or “not taking any garbage.”

Well, consider the possibility that your intensity has nothing to do with your daughter, or with wanting to “run a tight ship.” It’s possible that you are inflicting emotional intensity on your daughter that doesn’t belong to her. Regular outsized responses are a flag that you have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

3) Hidden Hazards

In the dark that morning, I couldn’t see my luggage in the pathway. Because I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t avoid running into it. 

Emotional baggage is often invisible in the same way. Sometimes it’s invisible to you. Often, it’s invisible to your daughter.

She’s just going her life, being a kid. She doesn’t understand one particular thing might rub you the wrong way. She probably doesn’t get why you have so much energy around a particular behavior. In her mind “it’s not a big deal.” In your mind, it’s suddenly everything.

If interacting with you is a “minefield,” full of hidden hazards, that’s a flag that you have unattended baggage that needs to be unpacked.

Don’t Give Your Daughter Your Baggage!

The whole incident with the luggage in the hallway could have easily been avoided. All that was needed was for me to take responsibility. Instead of leaving my bag unattended and packed in the hallway, I could have taken the time to unpack it and put it away.

When we don’t take responsibility for our emotional baggage, it often becomes someone else’s problem. Our denial ends up hurting people we love. Then, our baggage becomes their baggage.

As dads, one of our chief responsibilities is to set up our children for the best possible chance of a healthy life. Passing our unpacked baggage on to them is a violation of this commitment.

If you find your relationship with your daughter marked by unexpected outbursts, outsized responses, and hidden hazards, it’s time to take responsibility.

Maybe that means investing time in learning how to listen to and process your emotions. 

(I wrote a book about that called The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-given Power and Purpose of your Emotions.) 

Maybe it means getting coaching from a professional, like a therapist or a pastor with skills in this area. It’s not weakness to get support in this area; it is you giving your best attention to being the best dad you can be—and that’s part of your commitment to set your daughter up for the best possible life experience.

Don’t leave your baggage out where she can trip over it.

Instead, give her a healthy example of courage and personal responsibility by unpacking your own baggage before it becomes someone else's problem.

Marc Alan Schelske lives in Portland, Oregon in the U.S. where he writes about life at the intersection of grace and growth. He hosts The Apprenticeship Way podcast, is the author of The Untangle Workbook, The Wisdom of Your Heart, and Discovering Your Authentic Core Values, and is the pastor of Bridge City Community Church. You can find him and more writing at www.MarcAlanSchelske.com.

25 Things Your Daughter Really Needs From Her Dad

Even though I’m not a researcher, I actually did some of my own data collection for my first book that I know you’ll love! Because I want you as dads to reap the benefits of hearing from girls and women who are the same ages as your daughters, I’ll take you along with me on this journey of discovery.

Here’s the question I asked of as many girls and women as I could find:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request:

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response!

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard.

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women. I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females.

The truth is that these aren’t just wants. These are needs. Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

Here are the 25 most mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayers

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with dad coupled with love and affirmation from dad.

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America (and the world) to step up and step in to their roles as fathers. We can’t go one more day without every dad being all that his daughter needs him to be in her life.

Why is this urgent and important? Because a daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to the world around her.

Dad, I implore you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action now.

Be the dad your daughter needs you to be…today.

Dadvice: How to LISTEN While Your Daughter TALKS

Dad…

I’ve been writing blogs and books for you since 2014. I do this because I stand as an ally with you as a father to your daughter. Stated otherwise, I am invested in you!

When you share personal stories with me (especially those that involve more talking with your girls!), I give you my heartfelt commendation and enthusiastic applause for the entering into the journey of intentionally pursuing your daughter’s heart.

And as you’ve heard me say repeatedly, when we as girls and women know we are loved by our dads, we have:

• greater confidence

• stronger inner fortitude

• higher self esteem

• deeper compassion

• and increased empathy

These factors enable us to give out more from a relationship bucket that is filled, due in large part to the consistent deposits that you, dad, have made into our lives.

And in case you don’t hear it enough, I want you to know that you are the most important man in your daughter’s life because you’re the first man who loved her. So it’s up to you to never give up on loving her in the ways that she needs and deserves.

If you’re like many of the men I’ve had the privilege of interacting with over the years, you’re well aware that you need a refined skill set to talk consistently and deeply with your daughter in meaningful ways that make her feel heard.

As a way to build and strengthen your skill set, I’ve created an acrostic that underscores the required components to keep the conversation moving forward with your daughter. So if you ever get lost along the way with her myriads of words (or her non-verbal expressions that do communicate, just without words), remember these four letters: “T-A-L-K.”

By doing these four things, I guarantee that you’ll stay headed in the right direction while staying close to your daughter throughout her entire life:

Time – Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Affection – Because healthy, safe touch from dad leads to greater self esteem in daughters.

Listen – Because when you listen, you give her the message that she is worth listening to, she has value, and she matters to you.

Kindness – Because wrapping all that you do with this quality will keep her heart open to you and to the world around her.

So if you ever find yourself floundering a bit in your relationship with your daughter, perhaps even a bit confused about which way to turn, I trust that these two words will come to mind as you invite her to open up her heart and life to you while you simply say, “Let’s talk!”

Dadvice: Steps to Recovering from Daughter Wounds

Have you ever heard the term, “father wound”? Of course you have.

It’s a concept we use to describe the pain a father causes his kids, whether through direct harm (verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual, physical) or by neglect, abandonment, or a lack of positive investment.

I’ve actually been addressing the topic of father wounds for years---in my blog and books, when speaking at conferences, and on The Dad Whisperer Podcast. And in my clinical work as a counselor these past 25 years, I assure you that this topic comes up somewhat frequently with my clients (to be fair, mother issues surface too).

That said, what I find interesting is that in all these years, it’s never crossed my mind to address the counter aspect of daughter wounds despite this being a common issue that dads discuss with me.

All of this was brought to the forefront when I received a recent message from Tom (who has given me permission to share this):

I was curious if you’ve ever covered the topic of how dads can get over hurts from their daughters? I recently had my first experience with it from my oldest (8 years old) and realized I better get ready for more. I’ve heard the teenage years can be really difficult because that’s when my girls will be discovering a wide range of emotional confusion and can say things they don’t really mean, but leave a mark.

I’m slowly recovering from my first encounter with it and was just wondering if you had any teaching on how dads can recover. I want to “get back in the game” and keep cheering her on, but admit that I’m hurting and finding myself not really “feeling it” right now. I know I need to step back and get healed so I can get back out there to love and support her…I just don’t really know how to do it. My tendency, like many dads, is just to say, “if that’s the way you feel, I’ll back off.”

I know I’m not supposed to do that…and don’t want to do that…but also know I can’t ignore the hurt either. If you have a podcast or something on the topic, I’d appreciate it.”

In response, let me first say that I know there are no quick fixes or pat answers here.

Every relationship is unique and there are always complex variables that come into play when two individuals are at odds. Yet I believe there are a few principles that can guide the process of healing from daughter wounds if you--like Tom--want to be a dad who keeps loving and leading through the messiness of hurt, rejection, disrespect, reactivity, etc.

I have developed a FOUR-STEP PROCESS to support you in this goal, using the acrostic, HEAL:

Honestly face the hurt

Express the pain

Allow another to walk with you

Let go of the pain

1. Begin by honestly facing the hurt you’ve experienced from your daughter.

As you well know, men have been socialized and conditioned to “never let ‘em see you cry”  while keeping a stiff upper lip at all costs.

To clarify:

• “Softer” emotions such as sadness and fear weren’t selectively handed out by God to men vs. women. All emotions come from our Creator to all of us equally

• You don’t have to act tough and deny that you’re never hurt while believing that it’s weakness to feel emotion

• When triggered by your daughter, be honest by acknowledging that she’s hurt you with her lack of respect, surly attitude, disobedience, rebellion, etc

ACTION STEP: Write down the things she did that hurt you…or speak into your phone and record notes that tell the story…with a goal of being honest with yourself.

2. Choose to proactively express your pain (verbally and emotionally release what you hold inside) in a non-destructive, non-explosive way.

This one is tricky for men because rather than feeling a “weaker” emotion, such as fear or sadness, it’s often easier to exert the “stronger” emotion of anger.

To clarify:

• When anger is your “emotion of choice,” it is counterproductive to connecting with your underlying authentic emotions

• Unrestrained anger can destroy your relationship with your daughter

• It’s vital to look for where you’re sad under your mad

• Admit your hurt rather than letting your anger do the responding for you

ACTION STEP: Even if writing isn’t your favorite activity, begin giving a voice to what’s going on inside. Write in a journal or type out what you are feeling after a challenging encounter with your daughter---Ask: What made me feel angry, sad, scared, and/or confused?

3. Allow another to walk with you as a safe witness to your pain.

I’ve met incredible men who’ve learned to open up with other guys by trusting them with their real stuff. Remember this is how bonding happens in the military---through working side by side, investing in team building, and fighting a common enemy.

To clarify:

• You’ve got to find somewhere to offload the stressors of fathering your daughter, whether to another dad, counselor, pastor, or coach (preferably someone other than your daughter’s mom)

• Be open to their input as you practice new ways of responding while being supported through the process

• As you join with another dad, he’ll validate your experiences while encouraging and strengthening your resolve to be the best dad you can be as you talk and pray together

ACTION STEP:  If you don’t have someone to vent to outside of your immediate family, take the courageous step of finding someone you can trust. Consider inviting other dads whose daughters are close in age to yours to come together once a week, bi-monthly, or once a month. I just met an awesome dad in Maryland who started his own group and they’re reading through my first book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart while encouraging each other in their fathering journey.

4. Take the bold step of choosing to let go of the pain.

Letting go is another term for forgiveness. Forgiving your daughter will lead to your release and healing by not harboring resentment.

To clarify:

• The process of forgiveness begins by acknowledging what it is you’re releasing

• It’s vital that you first walk through steps one through three listed above so as to honor your hurt

• If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive and let go, ask God to do it for you so you can be free and set the example to your daughter of what this process looks like in action

ACTION STEP: Type the words “stages of female development” into your search engine and do research on normative responses for your daughter’s age. You will have more tolerance and wisdom if you can coach yourself through the various cycles of her life by finding out what to expect in terms of age-appropriate behaviors, thought patterns, emotional capacity, etc.

And since you’ve already begin the practice of expressing yourself with words (which takes practice; no one starts out as a wordsmith), write a letter to your daughter, a letter you won’t necessarily give to her, but that will allow you to acknowledge the wounds she’s caused while reminding yourself why you love her, ending with expressing forgiveness.

FINALLY: I know this is hard work, but so worth it in the end because it allows for truth (a.k.a. honesty, vulnerability, real emotion, etc.) to set you…and your daughter…free!