GirlDad Gold: 8 Life Lessons from Alysa Liu and Her Dad

If you watched the Milan Cortina Winter Olympics last month, you no doubt watched the joyous celebration of Alysa Liu when she single-handedly turned women’s figure skating upside down as she won gold. Ever since, this courageous 20-year old is continuing to blow everyone away with her wealth of wisdom that is far beyond her years, as demonstrated with these powerful statements:

 “I love struggling, actually. It makes me feel alive.”

"I'm really confident in myself, and even if I mess up and fall,
that's totally okay.”

"What I like to share about myself is my story, my art and my creative process... A bad story is still a story, and I think that's beautiful. There's no way to lose.”

Wow. Talk about inspirational deep truth. I want to be more like her with a fierce growth mindset, don’t you?

Would you love your daughter to be motivated by a similar self-confidence? Of course you would!

You want to see her thrive as she boldly steps into being all God has made her to be, shaped by resilience even when there’s loss, humbly embracing triumph despite struggle, and courage to never give up or lose sight of who she is.

As you think of your role in supporting your daughter, here are eight life lessons tucked into Alysa’s story, including dynamics with her father, Arthur:

Alysa’s story, including dynamics with her father, Arthur:

1. Start by Believing Big
Arthur Liu believed in his daughter early. He saw her spark on the ice and didn’t dismiss it as “just a phase.” He invested time, money, and energy into helping her develop her talent. Alysa became the youngest U.S. women’s national champion in history at age 13. She landed jumps other American women weren’t attempting at the time. But before the titles, there was a dad who said, “I see something in you.”

Lesson for GirlDads:
Your belief becomes her internal voice. When she wonders, “Am I capable?” she will hear echoes of what you’ve said as it repeats inside her mind and heart for years.

2. Support Her Dreams — But Don’t Make Them Yours
Arthur was deeply involved in Alysa’s skating career. His level of involvement helped launch her success…but it also created tension. As Alysa matured, she realized she needed more ownership. She later said she didn’t want her dad to be as invested in her skating as he had been before. That wasn’t rejection (though he may have thought it at the time); this was individuation and differentiation.

Lesson for GirlDads:
There is a fine line between championing her dream and unconsciously adopting it as your identity. The goal is not to live through her success but to stand beside her in it.

3. Excellence Without Joy Has an Expiration Date
Alysa’s early career was meteoric. She broke records, made history, and carried enormous expectations. But eventually, she stepped away from competitive skating — at just 16 years old. Why? Because it had stopped being fun.

She described wanting a more normal life. She wanted to discover who she was as a person, not just as a skater. She wanted to breathe. This decision stunned the skating world. But it revealed something critical: talent without joy cannot sustain a young heart forever.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Ask her regularly: “Are you still loving this?” Not because quitting is the goal — but because joy is fuel. When the passion dies, no amount of pressure will resurrect it in a healthy way.

One of the most striking parts of their story is that Alysa didn’t consult her dad before announcing her retirement. Arthur admitted he felt hurt. But here’s what he did well: he didn’t publicly shame her, pressure her, or try to reverse her choice. He let her own it.

Lesson for GirlDads:
There will come a moment when your daughter makes a decision you disagree with — about sports, college, career, relationships, or life direction. Your response in that moment shapes your long-term connection.

You can be disappointed and still be supportive. That balance is pure gold to a daughter.

5. Step Back So She Can Step Forward
After time away from skating, Alysa chose to return. But this time, she did it differently. She structured her training with more autonomy. She defined the boundaries of her dad’s involvement. And something beautiful happened: she skated freer.

When she returned to the Olympic stage, there was visible joy in her performance. She trusted her intuition and debuted new, unprecedented jumps while enthusiastically celebrating her love of the sport.

Lesson for GirlDads:
If you don’t step back eventually, she can’t fully step into herself. Your willingness to release control communicates trust. And trust breeds confidence in girls and women.

6. Your Relationship Matters More Than the Resumé
It’s easy for high-achieving families to measure everything: scores, rankings, scholarships, titles. But long after the medals tarnish, what remains is the relationship. Despite the tension in their dynamic, Alysa has spoken respectfully about her dad. Arthur has spoken proudly of her — even when she chose differently than he would have preferred. They navigated complexity without severing connection.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Guard your relationship more fiercely than her achievements. If forced to choose between a trophy and trust, choose trust every time. Because when her world shakes — and it will — she’ll run toward safety [a.k.a. you], not away from it [a.k.a. you].

7. Teach Her That Identity Is Bigger Than One Arena
When Alysa retired, she didn’t disappear. She explored life beyond elite sport. She embraced college experiences, friendships, and growth outside of skating. Her identity became more defined as her world expanded.

That’s critical for daughters who grow up in performance-driven environments. If all they’ve ever been told is who they are when they win, they struggle when the applause fades. Arthur’s early focus was largely centered on skating. Over time, the lesson evolved: Alysa is more than her jumps.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Affirm her character more than her competence. Tell her she’s brave, thoughtful, creative, kind — not just talented. A daughter grounded in identity can withstand both failure and fame.

8. Redefine Winning
Gold medals represent discipline, resilience, and excellence. But Alysa’s most meaningful victory may not be a podium moment. It may be that she learned to skate for the joy she found in doing what she loves.
She once expressed that she would still skate even if no one were watching. That’s the kind of intrinsic motivation every father hopes his daughter develops — not performing for approval, but moving from internal conviction. Arthur’s early belief helped launch her. His later restraint allowed her to reclaim ownership and connect to her authentic motivation and inspiration.

That process — from director to supporter — is the hidden gold.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Winning is raising a daughter who can say, “I’m embracing the life God has given me, and I choose to inspire those around me by stepping into my unique gifts and calling.”

What They Did Well — And What They Learned

What they did well:

• Early belief and investment

• Courage to pursue excellence

• Pride without public hostility during hard seasons

• Willingness to evolve the relationship

What they didn’t do perfectly:

• Over-involvement blurred boundaries

• Intensity sometimes overshadowed childhood normalcy

• Communication gaps created hurt

But here’s the hope-filled truth: Perfection isn’t required to raise a strong daughter; growth is.

Dad, you’re in good company with every dad when you acknowledge that you will misstep. You will push too hard sometimes or not hard enough at others. The goal is not flawless fatherhood. The goal is responsive fatherhood — listening, adjusting, and loving through change.

So when your daughter dares to chase a dream that feels bigger than her age, her size, or even her sport, she doesn’t just need talent. She needs a dad who knows when to lean in and when to let go, a dad who celebrates her victories and losses while communicating unconditional love throughout the process.

This is what it looks like to be a gold-winning GirlDad!

Dad, Your Presence IS the Present

Hi Dad…

With the Christmas season in full throttle, I’m guessing you’re like me in running a bit too much, spending a bit too much, eating a bit too much, and finding it challenging to keep up with all the “too muchness” that tends to accompany this season. Yet even with our intended desire to focus on Jesus being the “reason for the season” and enjoying all the merriment, we can still feel overwhelmed with all the demands and needs.

As a dad, you probably have even more expectations of yourself in this season----like you need to keep everyone happy and meet all the needs and cover all the bases. Yet the reality is this is more than anyone can possibly be.

So here’s my way of countering all of the unrealistic expectations you might be putting on yourself by making today’s blog short and straight forward.

Here’s my best suggestion for you as a dad this month: Stay present.

Yes, your presence is the best present you can give your daughter this Christmas season.

To make sure this doesn’t sound like a quick fix or pat answer, here’s what this means in real time:

1. Slow down. Make a decision to stop what you’re doing to notice what’s happening with your daughter when she’s with you. Your ability to stay calm and grounded (even if she’s not) is a gift beyond any tangible present you could give her. This is your gift to her!

2. Eye contact. By looking at your daughter in her eyes as she communicates with you, you’re giving her the message that she’s more important than words can say. This is your gift to her!

3. Listen intentionally. You’ve heard me say this before yet it bears repeating: When you listen twice as much as you talk (The “Two Ears: One Mouth” Principle), your daughter will internalize your validation of her and believe she’s worthy of your time and attention. This is your gift to her!

4. Ask questions. As you ask your daughter how you can help her or what she needs from you, you’re attending to her heart in that very minute. She will feel your love and care. This is your gift to her!

5. Hug often. Safe physical touch is often just what she needs when she’s overwhelmed. So when you reach out to your daughter to wipe her tears, hold her hand, and hug her, she will walk away knowing she’s not alone and you’re in her corner. This is your gift to her!

All this to say, never underestimate the profound power that your presence has when you show up in real time for your daughter.

Remember, YOU are the gift that keeps on giving as you give YOUR presence as THE present this year.

How the Quinceañera Teaches Fathers to Celebrate Their Daughters

There’s nothing I love better than hearing a heart-warming father-daughter story.

Exhibit A: I found this story tucked on the back page of a small-town Oregon newspaper about a traditional Latino celebration as told through the eyes of a father. It was only after reading the article that I realized it was actually written by his daughter!

Clearly this dad’s love for his daughter is evident as he shares his perspective on the biggest day in his 15-year old daughter’s life, her Quinceañera. This event officially marked her leaving childhood behind while publicly embracing womanhood.

He found himself reminiscing about how it seemed like only yesterday that she was playing with Barbies. It had gone by so fast and now here she was all grown up. He was filled with joy as he proudly stood by her as she was celebrated by family and friends.

Especially touching in the article was a picture of dad kneeling at the feet of his daughter, removing her flat shoes while slipping onto her feet a pair of heels, as if she was a princess at the ball. In response to this interaction Dad says,

“Seeing her walk in heels was probably what made it all real for me. She hadn’t worn heels because she wasn’t supposed to, so seeing her stumble around and try to find her balance was just reminding me that she was going to struggle on her road ahead and she was going to have to make herself stable again on her own.”

This dad gets it. He was nearby, waiting in the wings, ready to catch her if she did fall. But he also knew he couldn’t keep her from wobbling, and though she might stumble and struggle to find her footing at times, he believed that she would get stronger with practice. 

Though I’ve never attended a Quinceañera, this story makes me wish I had. Even in the written story I could feel the incredible love that was being poured over this teenage girl, especially from her father, as four main events represented her transition from little girl to grown woman:

• The changing of her shoes from flats to heels

• Her dance with her last doll

• Her crowning with a tiara

• The dance with her father (which is said to be the most important part of the entire event)

Reading this story made me wonder what it would be like if every branch of society took a cue from cultures like this where dads actively celebrate and mark their daughter’s maturation in some kind of significant way.

WAIT, we CAN emulate Latino cultures by following their lead!

What would it be like if dads everywhere found a special way to let their maturing daughters know that as a dad they’re dialed in, present, and on board as she transitions into womanhood?

I wonder what would happen if every girl, like the one in this article, knew that she had a day marked out for her where her dad treated her like the belle of the ball in a significant and celebratory way to confirm that she has profound value in his eyes. She would have that day and that event to look forward to long before it took place.

And if a big shindig isn’t your daughter’s style, perhaps you could plan a day to honor her somewhere between the ages of 12 and 15 as she officially starts her journey as a young woman:

• Maybe you could take her on a dad-daughter hike to a beautiful place in your state initiating a new annual tradition that celebrates her love of adventure and nature.

• Maybe she’s the type of girl who would enjoy a dinner party hosted at a restaurant with a few family and/or friends where you could surprise her by writing and reading a letter about what gifts you see in her that make you proud of her.

• Maybe you could have a fancy dinner at home (one that has her favorite food and done in an extra special way that shows forethought with décor and fancy dinnerware) where you read her a handwritten letter while the rest of the family listens, ending with a dance in the living room to a pre-selected song. Ask another family member to record it for future enjoyment (at least by you if that isn’t her thing!).

• Maybe she would like a piece of special jewelry that will remind her every time she wears it that she’s your girl and you love her to pieces.

• Maybe she’s wired to do a risk-taking activity that activates her adrenaline while proving to herself that she’s brave, like bungee jumping, scuba diving, climbing a rock wall, or running a half marathon (and the best part is that you can do it with her…if you’re able).

These are just a few ideas to spur your creativity and motivate you to plan ahead by creating an event to let your daughter know that you’re excited to see your little girl grow up.

Share your ideas with her and together decide what would have the most meaning to her. And if she’s already grown, you can do still do this in retrospect; she’ll still love the fact that you’re celebrating her now.

Dad, let’s start with practical steps. Connect with your daughter today---through your written, texted, or spoken words---and let her know that you celebrate the girl and woman she is. She’ll shine inside and out as you honor her today!

Does Your Daughter Know What Servant Leadership Looks Like?

Lately I’ve been pondering something and I want to share it here while it’s fresh. I’d love to get your input so feel free to write me and share your thoughts so we can continue this dialogue (drmichellewatson@gmail.com).

The question I pose to you is this: Does your daughter actually know what servant leadership looks like?

• Does she give without anyone knowing about it (a.k.a without posting it on her socials)?

• Does she sacrifice to see others (including her siblings) succeed?

• Does she delay gratification in order to save for something later?

• Does she donate to needs outside of herself?

• Does she know what it looks like to serve without being applauded?  

• Does she have an altruistic mindset where she gives even if she receives nothing in return?

So just in case it sounds like I’m coming down too hard on your daughter, I promise you I’m cheering her on to be all that God has made her to be!

And if you’re like many dads I interact with, I’m surely not telling you anything new when saying that your daughter is immersed in a culture that encourages her to embrace a mindset based in a philosophy that shouts: “See me…follow me…like me!”

Not only is this message everywhere on social media…but when her peers and influencers define popularity and success in certain ways, often without even knowing it, she’s internalizing  and being shaped by this this value system. [Of course this relates to us as adults and parents too, but we have fully developed brains to better process and filter incoming messages as compared to our precious daughters, right?].

But there’s one more side to this that’s been unsettling for me recently.

It seems on this side of the “Me Too Movement” where women rose up to say they had equal value to men [which is absolutely true, according to our Creator], the concerning part to me now is that dominance and control is being repackaged as assertiveness. Yet this stance is not only destructive, but it can camouflage arrogance and inflexibility.

This leads me to ponder whether there’s now been a swing in the other direction that supports women pushing others out of the way to get to the top at any cost to themselves or anyone else. But is overpowering others a glorified way to exalt ourselves? I see this being less about positive leadership and more about insecurity and stubbornness.

We all know that more is caught than taught, so this invites the next question:

Dad, are you modeling to your daughter what it looks like to be a servant leader?

Years ago I was talking to a dad in The Abba Project about his 8th grade daughter. She was an only child and he was frustrated with her “selfishness, lack of gratitude and self absorption.” I told him that her narcissistic focus was within normal limits for her age, adding that experts talk about adolescence as “latent toddlerhood” where it’s all about them much of the time. This is when girls hone the skill of using one-word commands like: “me, my, mine, now, no…”

I shared that the best way for her NOT to think about herself would be TO focus on someone else. I encouraged him to find places for to volunteer and give of herself. He loved this idea until I added that an even better strategy would be for him to do it with her.

He immediately said, “that will never happen.”

Sadly, this dad wanted his daughter to change and stop focusing on herself but he was unwilling to do the same.

The words of Jesus come to mind as He flipped everything on its head when it comes to a Kingdom mindset of leadership when He said,

“It’s better to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

“The greatest among you is the one who serves.” (Matthew 23:11)

“When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself. You’ve seen them in action, I’m sure—‘playactors’ I call them—treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that’s all they get. When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. (Matthew 6:2-3, MSG)

Dad, the best way to show your daughter what servant leadership looks like is to:

• Show her in real time how to lead selflessly, modeling what it looks like to give without expecting reward, applause or public praise.

• Serve your family consistently and faithfully, at times without them knowing what you’re doing for them [two words: eternal rewards].

• Sacrifice to support the greater good of your family, using these situations as teachable moments so she soaks in the vibrant heritage you’re passing on to her.

• Sponsor a child or organization with your daughter or as a family as you invest in others.

• Sow seeds of love into those in need by volunteering with her.

• Share what you learn along the way---about yourself, other people, the world, Jesus, etc.

Embrace this opportunity to open up a conversation with your daughter about leading as a servant.

Servant leadership started with Jesus and now you get to model the same.

Go Dad!

Why Your Teenage Daughter Needs Your CALM, Not Control

Let’s face it: Raising a teenage daughter can feel like a mix of emotional landmines and missed curfews—with a side of “Who even are you right now?”

As Girldads, we want the best for our daughters.
But as they pull away and start to run their own lives, it’s easy to default to frustration, authority, or even ultimatums.

And that’s exactly why self-control becomes one of our greatest tools—not for changing them, but for leading them.

One Dad’s Story: From Ultimatum to Humility

A father and mother were exhausted by their teen daughter’s behavior—disrespectful, irresponsible, and heading toward serious consequences.

They planned a sit-down. Tough love was the only option.
Dad even started writing a list: Here’s what needs to change—or you’ll need to move out.

It was heartbreaking. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if she left.

Then he flipped the page over.

And he wrote his list.
Things he needed to change.
Habits. Tone. Presence. Priorities.

And when his daughter came home, he didn’t lead with anger.
He led with honesty. With humility. With self-control.
That conversation didn’t explode—it connected.
Because his posture invited her heart to open.

Why Self-Control Matters More Than EveR

Here’s the hard truth:
You can’t control your daughter.
Not really. Not anymore.

But you can influence her. And that influence starts with how you respond when everything in you wants to react.

Self-control is what builds bridges instead of walls.
It’s what transforms battles into conversations.
It’s what earns trust instead of fear.

What Self-Control Looks Like as a Dad

• Holding your tongue when sarcasm is itching to speak.

• Walking away when you need to cool down.

• Pausing before punishment to pray and reflect.

• Admitting when you’re wrong—even when it’s uncomfortable.

• Choosing conversation over command.

These actions say:

“I’m still in your corner—even when things are hard.”

If you stay the course in CALMing yourself, these four attributes will become the hallmark of your father-daughter relationship:

Closeness

Attachment

Listening

Modeling

A Simple Exercise That Can Change Everything

Try this:

1. Write down everything you wish would change about your daughter’s behavior.

2. Flip the page.

3. Now write what you could change to support her growth.

You might be surprised—maybe even convicted.
But this kind of reflection creates a foundation for healing, respect, and real maturity.

From Control to Connection

Teenagers are in a tug-of-war between dependence and independence.
They’re asking:

• Am I safe?

• Do you respect me?

• Are you going to explode—or walk with me through this?

When you choose self-control, you answer those questions with stability and strength.
And you earn the right to walk alongside her in her journey to adulthood.

Ken Canfield PhD, is a nationally-known leader and scholar, and has committed his life to strengthening fathers and families. He founded and is president of the National Center for Fathering (www.fathers.com), as well as the National Association for Grandparenting (www.grandkidsmatter.org), and continues to engage in several organizations dedicated to improving family well-being.

The COST of Being Right: Burning Bridges With Your Daughter

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I’m careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here is what one dad wrote me:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? I have to ask myself if I could ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain. I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to distance herself from her father, whether for a season or indefinitely. 

One of my close friends went through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter for many years. I’m happy to report that there has now been restoration and healing. I realize that’s not how every story ends, but at the same time, his situation might give you hope.

For three years he had very little contact with his daughter, which led me to ask him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture. It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months later.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. And similarly, if this is where you’re at with your daughter, you must take a surrendered stance like my friend.

And this position of humility has to start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and do whatever you need to do on your end to begin moving towards make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.
“I know I hurt you with my words. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you need?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.
“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).
(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you. 


• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific. 


• Write a letter to her (that you may or may not give her) that lets you connect with your heart. 


Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re actually building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 2]

Hi Dad…

So how did your extra intentional REAL LIFE time with your daughter go these past two weeks? I trust that your daughter---and you---were willing to put your phones DOWN so that your mood and focus and mental health benefits could go UP!

As I wrote in my last blog, today is Part 2 of my review of Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s #1 New York Times bestseller, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Quick review of Part 1:

• Research confirms there are strong correlations between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents with PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

• A phone-based childhood leads to four significant issues: sleep deprivation, social deprivation, attention fragmentation, and addiction.

• Social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it!

• Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism.

Now let’s hear more from Dr. Haidt, a fellow GirlDad who is walking a similar road as you with your daughter.

I appreciate the way he creatively explains this dilemma of the mental health breakdown in children to fellow parents.

If a tech entrepreneur transported our children away from Earth to live on Mars, specifically without their parent’s consent, every mom and dad would be outraged. Yet in some ways that’s exactly what’s happened because our kids may not be on Mars, says Haidt, but they’re not fully present with us here anymore either. They’re floating in space without being grounded in relationships that require face to face connection.

And he cites that there is only one explanation for all of this: SMARTPHONES and DEVICES.

He continues:

“The Great Rewiring of Childhood, from play-based to phone-based, has been a catastrophic failure…Children thrive when they are rooted in real-world communities, not in disembodied virtual networks…” (p. 293).

So what can be done to bring reform to the adolescent mental health crisis that’s impacting your daughter?

Haidt says the place to begin is to significantly limit smartphone use in kids so our culture begins to embrace a new normal with parents leading the way. He calls for collective action and says if more parents band together in these proactive ways, it will turn the tide.

More specifically, he suggests: 

1. No smartphones before high school

2. No social media before age 16

3. Phone-free schools

4. Far more unsupervised play and childhood independence

Although this might literally seem impossible to institute with your daughter, the reality is that it can be done if you really want to do it. If you’re convinced that the very devices she’s holding in her hands are destroying her confidence and negatively impacting her mental health, what’s keeping you from addressing this head on?

Did you notice Haidt’s last point above about giving children more freedom to play and explore life in the real world without constant adult supervision? He says that sometimes parents are more concerned and vigilant about where their kids go and who they’re with in their outside world than where they go and who they’re with online and in cyberspace.

I know the idea of giving your daughter more freedom outside your home might be tough for many of you, but Haidt says that with practice in managing your own anxiety as a parent while releasing your daughter to grow, “the ultimate pleasure of being able to trust your child outweighs the temporary anxieties of letting go.” (p. 287).

By giving your daughter more unsupervised free play like you had at her age, along with ever-growing independence and responsibility, she will thrive and mature. And she’ll have you to process all she learns along the way while still at home. Remember too that she can’t give up her phone without something else to replace it.

These proactive solutions to our adolescent mental health crisis, according to Dr. Haidt, are achievable. If you want to see your daughter’s mental health improve and her anxiety and depression decrease, it’s time to take action. 

I’ll end with integrating Haidt’s suggestions with my own by sharing four ways you can raise your daughter to live an anxious-free life:

1. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE
Initiate a digital detox for set periods of time and insist she do the same.
(Start small---like an hour or two---and then expand your time until you can live one day a week without your devices. Haidt encourages a “digital Sabbath” every week (p. 279). Expect to go through withdrawal, but it will get easier as you commit to technology-free time as a family---and it starts with you, Dad, setting the example. And make sure your kids turn their phones in and off every night before bed).

2. PLAY TOGETHER
Intentionally engage your daughter in face-to-face conversations and experiences with you and others.
(Haidt describes the “Let Grow Project” as an assignment where kids do something they’ve never done before on their own after reaching an agreement with parents on what it is. (p.265) Brainstorm together and write a list of new experiences she’d like to try—on her own or with you. Make sure they’re active and even service-oriented so she sees that she has something to give and offer others.)

3. POSITVE REINFORCEMENT
Refrain from expressing negativity as you encourage your daughter to try things that allow her to flex her wings.
(Be mindful to motivate your daughter with inspiration instead of indignation. She may be cranky as she does a digital detox so be gentle in this process. Avoid expressing fears, criticisms about what she’s not doing right, or potential doubts as to her abilities as she steps into real-world activities in brave new ways. Instead, applaud her willingness to learn as she grows).

4. PROCESS WITH HER.

Pursue regular conversations with her regarding what she’s learning about herself and the world around her as she rewires her brain.
(One way to educate your daughter on the neurological and mental health impacts associated with attachment to devices---and detachment from devices---is to ask how her online life is helping her reach her goals or blocking them. Better yet, read Haidt’s book with her to create a foundation for healthy interactions).

5. PRAY WITH HER.

Take time to intentionally join your daughter in talking to God about growing in developing healthier balance and rhythms with her screens. Even if praying out loud isn’t something you’re comfortable with or consider yourself skilled in doing, I encourage you to start with one or two sentences so your daughter hears her earthly father talking to her Heavenly Father about what’s going on in her life.

Dad, make it your goal to PLAY MORE with your daughter.

Encourage her to PLAY MORE in person with her friends.

Inspire her to RISK MORE while engaging in new activities where she doesn’t have to be perfect.

Establish limits so she’s retrained to be on her PHONE LESS (at home, school, etc.).

To review, here it is once again in a nutshell…

LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

My final encouragement to you, Dad, is to align with these wise words of Jonathan Haidt as you step into action with the things shared above: “Let’s bring our children home.” (p.293).

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 1]

I just reviewed a new book and it’s so powerful that I have to tell you about it!

And because there is so much power-packed information in it, I’m dividing my overview into two parts. Today is Part 1 and in two weeks I’ll share Part 2. I’m also giving you practical action steps at the end of this blog so you can engage your daughter in a proactive process of healing her brain and ultimately experience positive impacts to her mental and emotional health.

Now to the book. It’s a 2024 release and is already a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Written by psychologist and researcher, Dr. Jonathan Haidt, the title is, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Before we dive into his book, let me ask you a couple of questions.

Question 1: If I offered you guaranteed success by doing ONE THING to increase in your daughter’s self-esteem while simultaneously decreasing her anxiety and depression, would you beg me to tell you what it is? Of course you would!

Today I’m going to share that one secret with you. Actually, Dr. Haidt is going to tell you his answer to that question. His astonishing, profound and life-changing findings literally boil down to ONE SPECIFIC THING that can make a huge significant difference in improving your daughter’s mental health.

If this seems too simplistic or too good to be true, keep reading and I’ll share more to back up his claims.

It’s also worth noting that Haidt is a GirlDad. He’s the father to two teenagers, one of them being a daughter. So this research is deeply personal to him.

Haidt wants you to know that the correlation between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents that began to spike in the early 2010’s has a root cause. Through his extensive research he’s concluded that this is primarily due to PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

[Haidt uses the term “phone-based” broadly to include all internet-connected personal electronics that fill time, including laptop computers, tablets, video game consoles, and smartphones with millions of apps].

Question 2: Would you have ever imagined that your maturing daughter would forget how to play? As you remember back to when she was a toddler, you didn’t have to teach her how to play; it was intuitive and instinctual. Yet now there’s been a complete reversal where children are less inclined to explore and experience adventures in a real-world community; instead, they’re being conditioned to sit down and look down while scrolling or “playing” on their devices, often in isolation.

This not only is having a disastrous impact on our kids, but Haidt adds that “it doesn’t have to be that way; we can regain control of our own minds….and this book is for anyone who wants to understand how the most rapid rewiring of human relationships and consciousness in human history has made it harder for all of us to think, focus, forget ourselves enough to care about others, and build closer relationships.” (p.17).
He continues by describing four foundational areas of harm that the anxious generation, also known as Gen Z (born after 1995), has experienced due to having a phone-based childhood:

1. Sleep deprivation

2. Social deprivation

3. Attention fragmentation

4. Addiction

I imagine you’d like to read more about each of these things as you consider how they’re impacting your daughter…and possibly yourself. You’ll have to get the book to learn more, but for now, let’s keep going.

This next point is specifically for you as a GirlDad.

Haidt states that social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it! [WOW…that’s ground-breaking information, wouldn’t you agree?]

He cites empirical evidence to confirm four reasons why girls are more vulnerable than boys when it comes to the influence of social media:

1. Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism

2. Girls aggression is more relational (“The way to really hurt another girl is to hit her in her relationships” where “indirect aggression includes damaging other people’s relationships or reputations.” p. 158).

3. Girls more easily share emotions and disorders

4. Girls are more subject to predators and harassment

Dad, this is important for you to know because your daughter is being devoured by the impact of social media, whether she admits it or not.

Especially in pre-adolescence and adolescence when she begins being influenced more by peers, she is susceptible to negative voices that can lead her to disconnect from her own self worth and identity. This is when she begins comparing herself to others more while being overpowered with distorted fears and projections, beliefs and assumptions that can lead her away from being her authentic self.

I’ll be sharing more insights next week from Jonathan Haidt’s book, but for now, I want to ask you as a dad:

1. Are you willing to stand up and contend for your daughter’s mental and emotional health by letting her push against---and then follow----your limits regarding significantly less smartphone use?

THEN…

1. Are you willing to invest more of your personal time and energy to engage her in REAL life activities with you and others that invite her into REAL relationships? (which includes REAL drama and challenges and heartache and forgiveness and love and connection and fun and laughter…and all the things!)

To summarize, here it is in a nutshell…

Bottom line: LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

ACTION STEP: Between now and two weeks from now, invite your daughter into an activity that’s new or that both of you already enjoy doing together. And one requirement is that there are NO PHONES ALLOWED (unless it’s to take a few pics along the way…but make sure to turn off your ringer and notifications so there are NO DISTRACTIONS).

For extra credit: Do one activity each week…so this means you’ll do TWO ACTIVITIES with her in the next two weeks. Write and tell me about it because I love sharing these milestones with you.

This is how you’ll begin to the turn the tide in a more positive direction as your daughter puts her phone DOWN and experiences her mood and perspective moving UP!

15 Ways to Be Supportive When Your Daughter is Triggered, Testy, Tetchy and Tapped Out

Fact #1: We all react and we all overreact. It’s part of being human.

Fact #2: We all have nervous systems that respond in specifics ways to incoming stimuli. And when we feel threatened or unsafe, our emotional center (limbic system) alerts us and floods our rational, reasonable center (prefrontal cortex), and that’s things go off the rails.

And that’s when our automatic responses kick in and we respond in one of four ways:

• Fight (“I’ll take you on and I’ll take you down”)

• Flight (“I’m out of here”)

• Freeze (“I can’t move and all I feel is helpless and stuck”)

• Fawn (“I’ll submit and do what you want just to keep the peace”)

Robyn Gobbel is a respected play therapist and personal colleague who has written a phenomenal book titled, “Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work.” (She also hosts a podcast I highly recommend, The Baffling Behaviors Show. Check it out and let me know what you learn!). She is uniquely gifted in educating us on powerful ways to understand and regulate our nervous systems, especially highlighting ways to accelerate healing.

I love these her words of insight:

“I know your child has some challenging behaviors that don’t seem to make any sense. Their behavior doesn’t match your experience of reality. But I promise you that it matches theirs. That’s simply how the mind works: We create, and then respond to, our own reality…

As I came to fully grasp this idea, I became less judgmental of others and better at setting boundaries for myself. Now, if the grocery store clerk isn’t friendly, I assume their nervous system isn’t feeling safe. I don’t’ have to take it personally. If I feel up to it, I can respond with authentic kindness----one small gesture toward cultivating more felt safety in the world.

You know what our kids need to be invited into safety? They need for us to be in connection mode.” (pg. 43-44).

I know it’s super hard to be in “connection mode” and want to get close to your daughter when she’s prickly, harsh, mean and reactive. And a new word to add to your vocabulary (since I just added it to mine for this blog!) is in my title: tetchy, which means cranky, easily annoyed, difficult to handle, irritable.

Dad, it’s your job to initiate connection because it’s exactly what she needs, even if she doesn’t know it. This is where you have to tap into your wisdom, maturity, and supernatural power that God alone gives in order to be her co-regulator. This is how she’ll know you’re in it with her.

As you grow in being the best dad you can be to your daughter with a goal of staying in connection mode where she knows she’s seen, soothed, secure and safe, here are 15 ways to be supportive when she’s triggered and tapped out (which is another way of saying she’s maxed!)

1. Be aware.
   This one is first because this is where you have to start. Notice what’s happening in you (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.) rather than focusing on what’s happening in your daughter. Get your feet on the ground before approaching her even when she pushes your buttons. Remember that if you react at an 8, 9 or 10 level on a scale of 0 to 10, it’s your own stuff that’s being activated. Settle yourself first or you’ll say or do things you regret.

2. Be curious.
   If you approach her with a desire to understand and listen rather than lecture, you give her the gift of co-regulation. This simply means that when you’re curious, not critical, she will settle down (in time, gradually) because she’ll sense your loving presence. As you use the two words, “I’m wondering” when talking with her, she’ll feel your support. 

3. Be understanding. 
   Commit to learning to pace with your daughter as you sit with her in her intensity. Learn what is triggering for her rather than trying to dismiss what’s going on with her just because it doesn’t make sense or seem like a big deal to you.

4. Be teachable.
   I often talk to dads who say they have limited emotional capacity, and their daughters canb make life difficult because they require softer skills in them. I encourage you to allow your daughter to teach you to expand your ability to sit with emotions and let her know you want to be a student who is willing to learn and grow.

5. Be kind.
   Try to avoid causing additional pain through criticism or anger. And as you listen, be mindful that as you ask questions, she may choose not to open up to you if she feels unsupported.

6. Be patient.
   If your goal is to be there for your daughter and she’s not ready to talk or needs time to settle down and regroup, give her space without making things worse and reacting to her reaction. Don’t take it personally if she declines your offer of support, and then come back later (or text or write her a note) to let her know you love her.

7. Be affirming.
   Your positive, warm presence will benefit her in the healing process, even if she isn’t able to communicate that truth to you in the moment. She will internalize your view of her so make sure to give words of affirmation…especially when it’s hard to see the good.

8. Be the adult.
   Remember that your daughter’s pre-frontal cortex---where she thinks and reasons and has good judgment---isn’t fully developed until the age of 25. So if your daughter is younger than this age, realize she’s still maturing and needs your grace.

9. Be the example.
   We’ve all heard it said that “more is caught than taught.” Your daughter is watching you and you must model the behaviors you want her to emulate. It starts with you, Dad. If you want her not to respond with anger or attitude, ask yourself how your anger and attitude is doing in front of her.

10. Be caring.
    Though your daughter may respond in ways that aren’t always aligning with who she is, remember that she’s a work in progress, just like you. Remind yourself that it’s the stress or overwhelm or trauma talking. When you’re gracious, loving and display the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control), you help to bring healing into the room and into her life.

11. Be clear.
    It’s okay to set boundaries and not engage with her in the heat of the moment. But first, use your words and tell her where you’re going so she doesn’t assume you’re rejecting or abandoning her. (When her brain is on fire she won’t be clearly thinking through things and her emotional brain will lead the way). Then gently remove yourself from the situation and say something like this: “I’m sorry you’re hurting and I will be in the other room waiting with open arms if or when you want me to be there for you. I love you…”

12. Be communicative.
    Clarify with words that are short, sweet and ‘to the point.’ (When she’s flooded, she can’t hear too many words at one time). Use your words to calmly state that you are aware she’s maxed and hurt and overwhelmed and ask her if there’s one thing you could take of her plate. Make sure she hears your heart behind your words as you communicate clearly.

13. Be encouraging.
    When your daughter (or any of us) is triggered, there is often a time warp where the past gets mixed into the present. If you offer encouragement about her character, beauty, growth to date, etc., oftentimes this can bring a sense of calm and assist in the de-escalation process while she works to regain her equilibrium.  

14. Be vulnerable.
    You may struggle to let your daughter know when you don’t know what to do or don’t have the answers or are lost when it comes to “getting it.” But when you lead with vulnerability, which includes making amends after you’ve blown it, you’ll reach her heart more quickly and she’ll find it easier to regroup and reground.

15. Be willing.
    If you have the strength and capacity to help her with coping strategies, offer to help her connect to powerful and effective calming resources: Breathe, pray, sing, hug, walk, exercise, take a drive, etc. Make sure not to force anything, but pace with her process. If she asks you to leave, then honor her boundaries and use that time to calm yourself so you can be ready to connect later. Let her know you’re willing to go the distance with her because you love her no matter what. Sometimes we know we’re most loved when we’re the least deserving.

Dad, I encourage you to choose one of these 15 action steps and make it your goal this week to prioritize that one thing.

Make it a matter of focus and prayer.

And you can print out or save this meme to serve as a reminder to BE the dad you want to BE and your daughter needs you to BE!

Celebrating Your Daughter’s Need to Express Herself Through Her Style

If you’re a dialed-in GirlDad, you’ve discovered that your daughter has her own unique style when it comes to expressing herself with her clothing.

And if you have more than one daughter, you’ve probably also discovered that things get a bit more complicated as they grow up and each one is trying not to look like the other while finding their own individual style. And whether the younger one is not wanting to follow in the footsteps of her older sister or seeking to find her own self-expression, either way, you’ll be wiser as a Dad by entering in and seeking to understand your daughter’s need to express her personality through how she dresses.

I found a great definition of style from fashion designer Rachel Zoe: “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” (This would be a great quote to share with your daughter).

Adding to her definition, I say: Style is essentially an outward expression of who we see ourselves to be, revealed through clothing, hairstyle, hair color, tattoos, piercings, and jewelry, to name a few. And whether or not you agree with your daughter’s style expression, it’s important that you let her speak while you listen with a goal to better understand her.

Many dads have asked me how to guide their daughter through this maze when they disagree with her clothing choices. I know it’s a bigger conversation than what I’m sharing here, but it’s my desire to stand with you as you take a proactive step forward by looking through your daughter’s eyes and seeing her where she is right now.

For now, I encourage you to invite your daughter to join you as you open this conversation about her clothing style. If she doubts your motives or intent, you can show her these questions ahead of time. (For more on this topic, you can refer to a longer list of questions in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters with “Dad-Daughter Date Questionnaire #18: Questions on Her Clothing Choices”).

Make it your goal to listen without judgment or criticism, which is a key foundational step in bridge-building with your daughter.

If she doesn’t live close or isn’t open to meeting in person, feel free to send these questions to let her know you care. (I’ve attached a pdf here).

Here’s a list of questions to ask your daughter. And the last question is a fun and funny one to engage your daughter in rating your style. Have fun!

1. How would you describe your style? (circle all that fit)

• Playful

• Girly/Feminine

• Boho/Free-spirited/Casual

• Sporty

• Classic

• Earthy/ Hippie

• Artsy

• Retro

• Spicy/Edgy

• Modern/Trendy/Current

• Tomboy

• Goth

• Unconventional

• Other 

2. Is it important for you to have a personal style and look that’s all your own or is it not that big of a deal to you?

3. What words in the list above would you say described your style two years ago? What about five years ago?

4. Do you like your current style? Have you thought about changing it? If you did change it, what new style captures your attention?

5. Are there any celebrities whose style you would say matches yours? What about his or her style do you like?

6. Does style and fashion play a part in the way you connect with your friends…or not?

7. What do you enjoy about having a style that’s all your own? Is there any part of this whole thing that’s ever stressful for you?

8. Now let’s talk about my style as your dad. What words would you use to describe it and do you have any suggestions for how I could update my look? (This one can be really fun and funny if you choose not to be offended by anything she says.)

[One last note: Most men think their style is fine despite input to the contrary from the women in their lives! But if you allow yourself to be open to your daughter’s input about your style, it can create a powerful dad-daughter bonding interaction. Then for “extra dad points,” I encourage you to concede and let her choose one new item for your wardrobe, which will be a gift that keeps on giving because every time you wear it, she’ll remember that you respected her input, adding yet another positive experience to your repertoire!].

This is your time to grow as a dad in asking your daughter questions to better understand her clothing style choices that are her way of making a statement about herself.