Why I'm Thankful for Jay's Life and Legacy

After my last blog on leaving a legacy, I received so many emails from you dads that I decided to continue with that theme.

Here’s an observation I’ve made over time: You can tell a lot about the soul of a man by the way he speaks of his children.

And you can tell even more about the soul of a man by the way his children speak of him.

Maybe it’s because of my profession where I have the privilege of getting up close to heart stories or maybe it's because I'm a daughter myself, but the unarguable truth is that when a daughter knows she is loved by her dad, it shows.

I guess you could say that her face tells the story.

When I meet a father who intensely loves his daughter, my spirit dances. I smile and celebrate when hearing their stories. I even find myself flashing forward as I envision her as a confident, clear-headed woman who believes she can change the world, in large part due to the forever investment her dad has made.

I guess you could say that my face tells the story.

Today I want to highlight the profound life and legacy of my friend, Jay McKenney, a dad whose life told the story of sacrificial, fierce, committed love.

Jay battled an aggressive form of cancer for over a decade, and in January of 2021 his suffering ended when he transitioned from earth to heaven, leaving behind his wife Allison and two daughters, Macy and Ava.

At first glance he may have seemed like any ordinary father. But if you look closer, Jay will inspire you to never again take for granted even one day that you have with your daughters. For all throughout his excruciating battle, Jay remained committed to making sure they knew how much he treasured them.

Even as his body was failing, Jay showed love and support for his daughters, leaving them with forever memories. While his presence cannot be replaced in their lives, he took advantage of every opportunity to ensure that he left a love deposit.

I guess you could say that his legacy tells the story.

I’ll always remember the day he was my in-studio guest as we recorded an interview on my radio program, The Dad Whisperer. Jay wrote me early that morning because he found out that Ava was getting an award at school and said he needed to be there. He was willing to change his plans to surprise his daughter on her momentous day.

Another way that Jay’s fathering example touched my life was to see how he made sure to be present at Macy’s track meets, cheering her on from the sidelines. He knew he wouldn’t always be there in person, which is why he invested his time when he could so she would always remember he was there.

I guess you could say that his presence told the story.

I once asked Jay how he fathered differently after his diagnosis. Here’s what he said:

“Sometimes I think in some areas I’m less patient. If the conflict is about something trivial, I find myself having an internal dialogue about what’s really important in life, the big stuff, and how this isn’t it. So the challenge for me is to get to the heart of the matter in the trivial conflicts, and to find a way to love more in the way I handle them. Because even if the conflict is trivial, me loving them well through it is not.”

His response prompted me to then ask: As a father who is facing his own mortality in ways beyond what many have faced, is there anything you would say to other dads that you’ve discovered these past couple of years?

“From the moment you wake up, you are getting messages sent to you from the outside. The majority of them that say that you need to do something more, buy something more, have something more, and if you don’t you just aren’t quite succeeding. Your daughters are getting those same messages. From social media, from advertisements, even from friends and teachers. We, as their fathers, have the best chance to consistently send a better message, louder and more consistent than the others: That they are completely loved, now. That they are fully enough in your eyes simply because they exist and they are your daughter. They need to hear it, they need to know it, they need to feel it.”

Jay had a tribe of thousands on Facebook who watched his life closely because he allowed us to have a front row seat to his process. We all said we wanted to live like Jay, adopting his word #contend as our own because in his death he taught us how to live.

I wonder sometimes why we have to be pressed to the end of ourselves or the end of our lives to have clarity. I watched Jay’s life and can honestly say that he purposely lived each day to it's fullest, seeing every day as a gift. He knew that each day was one more day he had to invest in his lives of his precious girls, and he never wasted an opportunity to show them he loved them.

On this Thanksgiving week, I’m grateful for the way Jay reminds us all to be thankful, not only that we are alive, but that we have today to make a difference in the lives of those we love.

Dadvice: How to LISTEN While Your Daughter TALKS

Dad…

I’ve been writing blogs and books for you since 2014. I do this because I stand as an ally with you as a father to your daughter. Stated otherwise, I am invested in you!

When you share personal stories with me (especially those that involve more talking with your girls!), I give you my heartfelt commendation and enthusiastic applause for the entering into the journey of intentionally pursuing your daughter’s heart.

And as you’ve heard me say repeatedly, when we as girls and women know we are loved by our dads, we have:

• greater confidence

• stronger inner fortitude

• higher self esteem

• deeper compassion

• and increased empathy

These factors enable us to give out more from a relationship bucket that is filled, due in large part to the consistent deposits that you, dad, have made into our lives.

And in case you don’t hear it enough, I want you to know that you are the most important man in your daughter’s life because you’re the first man who loved her. So it’s up to you to never give up on loving her in the ways that she needs and deserves.

If you’re like many of the men I’ve had the privilege of interacting with over the years, you’re well aware that you need a refined skill set to talk consistently and deeply with your daughter in meaningful ways that make her feel heard.

As a way to build and strengthen your skill set, I’ve created an acrostic that underscores the required components to keep the conversation moving forward with your daughter. So if you ever get lost along the way with her myriads of words (or her non-verbal expressions that do communicate, just without words), remember these four letters: “T-A-L-K.”

By doing these four things, I guarantee that you’ll stay headed in the right direction while staying close to your daughter throughout her entire life:

Time – Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Affection – Because healthy, safe touch from dad leads to greater self esteem in daughters.

Listen – Because when you listen, you give her the message that she is worth listening to, she has value, and she matters to you.

Kindness – Because wrapping all that you do with this quality will keep her heart open to you and to the world around her.

So if you ever find yourself floundering a bit in your relationship with your daughter, perhaps even a bit confused about which way to turn, I trust that these two words will come to mind as you invite her to open up her heart and life to you while you simply say, “Let’s talk!”

Sugar and Spice: The Secret to Fathering Two Very Different Kinds of Daughters

I had the most delightfully random encounter this past weekend. I met a woman whose vim and vigor were contagious and our interaction ended up inspiring me to look at relationships through a different lens.

Here’s the story. I was sitting at a table outside a grocery store in Central Oregon, soaking up the most delightful sunshine, when the smell of barbecue began to waft my way. Before I knew it I was in conversation with a local culinary expert who clearly expressed her enjoyment of awakening the palates of regulars and strangers alike.

Soon I discovered that Kelly (a.k.a. the “BBQ Queen” as her name tag aptly stated) has been barbecuing at this one place for 19 years! I can confidently say that I have never in my life met anyone who has been so passionately invested in and excited about barbecue…EVER. All I can say is that her enthusiasm definitely rubbed off on me!

That’s all it took for her to open up and divulge some of her tasty secrets. “The way to get the best barbecue is to have equal parts of brown sugar and vinegar. Most people get it wrong with too much of one or too much of the other. It’s got to be 50% sweet and 50% tangy. That’s all there is to it!”

And with that, she was off.

Silly as it may sound, I have been chewing on her words all week. But my thoughts haven’t been about spare ribs or tri-tip. They’ve been about fathers and daughters.

I wonder if the same principle for good barbecue could apply to personality types in girls.
I don’t quite know how it all breaks down, but I tend to think there’s an even 50-50 split between the “sweet” ones and the “tangy” ones.

Both are necessary to make our world function and thrive, and neither is better than the other. Just different. Complimentary opposites, I guess you could say.

This leads me to ask the question: Do fathers validate their “sweet” daughters as much as their “tangy” ones?

As a “tangy” daughter, I can tell you that I often wished I was sweeter and gentler, more mellow and less reactive, more go-with-the-flow and relaxed. But the reality is that I popped out like this. Lots of zest and panache (which is a fancy way of saying that I’m dramatic with lots of opinions)! Sometimes it’s been a good thing and sometimes it’s been a bit much…both for me and for my dad.

All of this pondering about girls and individual temperaments brings to mind a nursery rhyme I heard a lot growing up in the 60’s:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,
that’s what little girls are made of.
Snips and snails and puppy dog tales,
that’s what little boys are made of.

Though at the time this little jingle seemed cute and harmless, I realize now that it subtly planted seeds about what it meant to be a “nice little girl.” Add in the fact that positive responses from the general public seem to cater more to the “sugary” types than to those with a bit more “spice,” and I can say that it left me often not knowing how to understand myself, let alone like myself.

So if we use the barbecue theory as a working template on fathering daughters, it means that 50% of you are raising “sweet” girls while the other 50% are rearing “tangy” ones. And because your daughters see themselves in the reflection of you as their mirror, it is vitally important that you let each of them know that both sugar and spice are what balances out life and makes the world go round.

Dad, your daughter will believe what you tell her about herself (and what you imply without words). If you have a “sweet” daughter, you most likely find her easy to lead, and enjoy her delightful qualities. That’s all well and good. It’s beautiful and wonderful.

But especially for those of you who father a more “spicy” daughter, make sure to validate and encourage her uniqueness, one with zip and pizzazz, letting her know that she truly does distinctively enhance the atmosphere around her (even if at times she pushes every button in you and may be a lot to understand).

Let your daughter know that there are famous complimentary opposites everywhere you look. Help her understand that both have a place in the universe and both have equal value:

salt and pepper
sun and moon
fear and courage
cookies and milk

Dad, why not use all of this data as inspiration to intentionally speak positive, affirming words into your “sweet” and your “tangy” daughters today.

Let each of them know that her unique combination of savory flavors enhances your life in ways that make her one-of-a-kind mixture “taste” just the you love. Text her right now and tell her. I guarantee it’ll be the best message she hears all day!

Dadvice: Steps to Recovering from Daughter Wounds

Have you ever heard the term, “father wound”? Of course you have.

It’s a concept we use to describe the pain a father causes his kids, whether through direct harm (verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual, physical) or by neglect, abandonment, or a lack of positive investment.

I’ve actually been addressing the topic of father wounds for years---in my blog and books, when speaking at conferences, and on The Dad Whisperer Podcast. And in my clinical work as a counselor these past 25 years, I assure you that this topic comes up somewhat frequently with my clients (to be fair, mother issues surface too).

That said, what I find interesting is that in all these years, it’s never crossed my mind to address the counter aspect of daughter wounds despite this being a common issue that dads discuss with me.

All of this was brought to the forefront when I received a recent message from Tom (who has given me permission to share this):

I was curious if you’ve ever covered the topic of how dads can get over hurts from their daughters? I recently had my first experience with it from my oldest (8 years old) and realized I better get ready for more. I’ve heard the teenage years can be really difficult because that’s when my girls will be discovering a wide range of emotional confusion and can say things they don’t really mean, but leave a mark.

I’m slowly recovering from my first encounter with it and was just wondering if you had any teaching on how dads can recover. I want to “get back in the game” and keep cheering her on, but admit that I’m hurting and finding myself not really “feeling it” right now. I know I need to step back and get healed so I can get back out there to love and support her…I just don’t really know how to do it. My tendency, like many dads, is just to say, “if that’s the way you feel, I’ll back off.”

I know I’m not supposed to do that…and don’t want to do that…but also know I can’t ignore the hurt either. If you have a podcast or something on the topic, I’d appreciate it.”

In response, let me first say that I know there are no quick fixes or pat answers here.

Every relationship is unique and there are always complex variables that come into play when two individuals are at odds. Yet I believe there are a few principles that can guide the process of healing from daughter wounds if you--like Tom--want to be a dad who keeps loving and leading through the messiness of hurt, rejection, disrespect, reactivity, etc.

I have developed a FOUR-STEP PROCESS to support you in this goal, using the acrostic, HEAL:

Honestly face the hurt

Express the pain

Allow another to walk with you

Let go of the pain

1. Begin by honestly facing the hurt you’ve experienced from your daughter.

As you well know, men have been socialized and conditioned to “never let ‘em see you cry”  while keeping a stiff upper lip at all costs.

To clarify:

• “Softer” emotions such as sadness and fear weren’t selectively handed out by God to men vs. women. All emotions come from our Creator to all of us equally

• You don’t have to act tough and deny that you’re never hurt while believing that it’s weakness to feel emotion

• When triggered by your daughter, be honest by acknowledging that she’s hurt you with her lack of respect, surly attitude, disobedience, rebellion, etc

ACTION STEP: Write down the things she did that hurt you…or speak into your phone and record notes that tell the story…with a goal of being honest with yourself.

2. Choose to proactively express your pain (verbally and emotionally release what you hold inside) in a non-destructive, non-explosive way.

This one is tricky for men because rather than feeling a “weaker” emotion, such as fear or sadness, it’s often easier to exert the “stronger” emotion of anger.

To clarify:

• When anger is your “emotion of choice,” it is counterproductive to connecting with your underlying authentic emotions

• Unrestrained anger can destroy your relationship with your daughter

• It’s vital to look for where you’re sad under your mad

• Admit your hurt rather than letting your anger do the responding for you

ACTION STEP: Even if writing isn’t your favorite activity, begin giving a voice to what’s going on inside. Write in a journal or type out what you are feeling after a challenging encounter with your daughter---Ask: What made me feel angry, sad, scared, and/or confused?

3. Allow another to walk with you as a safe witness to your pain.

I’ve met incredible men who’ve learned to open up with other guys by trusting them with their real stuff. Remember this is how bonding happens in the military---through working side by side, investing in team building, and fighting a common enemy.

To clarify:

• You’ve got to find somewhere to offload the stressors of fathering your daughter, whether to another dad, counselor, pastor, or coach (preferably someone other than your daughter’s mom)

• Be open to their input as you practice new ways of responding while being supported through the process

• As you join with another dad, he’ll validate your experiences while encouraging and strengthening your resolve to be the best dad you can be as you talk and pray together

ACTION STEP:  If you don’t have someone to vent to outside of your immediate family, take the courageous step of finding someone you can trust. Consider inviting other dads whose daughters are close in age to yours to come together once a week, bi-monthly, or once a month. I just met an awesome dad in Maryland who started his own group and they’re reading through my first book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart while encouraging each other in their fathering journey.

4. Take the bold step of choosing to let go of the pain.

Letting go is another term for forgiveness. Forgiving your daughter will lead to your release and healing by not harboring resentment.

To clarify:

• The process of forgiveness begins by acknowledging what it is you’re releasing

• It’s vital that you first walk through steps one through three listed above so as to honor your hurt

• If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive and let go, ask God to do it for you so you can be free and set the example to your daughter of what this process looks like in action

ACTION STEP: Type the words “stages of female development” into your search engine and do research on normative responses for your daughter’s age. You will have more tolerance and wisdom if you can coach yourself through the various cycles of her life by finding out what to expect in terms of age-appropriate behaviors, thought patterns, emotional capacity, etc.

And since you’ve already begin the practice of expressing yourself with words (which takes practice; no one starts out as a wordsmith), write a letter to your daughter, a letter you won’t necessarily give to her, but that will allow you to acknowledge the wounds she’s caused while reminding yourself why you love her, ending with expressing forgiveness.

FINALLY: I know this is hard work, but so worth it in the end because it allows for truth (a.k.a. honesty, vulnerability, real emotion, etc.) to set you…and your daughter…free!

Dear Theresa... (My Letter to a Fatherless Teenage Daughter)

Meeting you this past weekend changed me. You are extraordinary. You are courageous and fierce. You are a warrior. And at only 15 years old you are a heroine in my eyes.

Hearing your story about your dad leaving years ago and not ever coming back for you touches me deeply. I am still grieving with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad has a new girlfriend who seems to have captured his gaze rather than seeing you makes me sad with you and for you.

I’m not just sad for the here and now impact to your heart, but I’m worried that you might end up believing that you aren’t beautiful enough to capture a guy’s attention. Or that you’ll run towards any guy who shows you attention because of your unmet needs and your longing to be special and cared for, even if it lasts only for that moment. Please don’t ever settle for anyone who makes you feel less than the exquisite gift that you are.

Hearing that your dad hasn’t called you for two birthdays in a row but that you’ve had to call him makes my heart ache with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad does things with your brother and not you leaves me feeling emotionally heavy because you are most likely internalizing a message that you are lacking, that you aren’t valuable, and that you aren’t worthy of his time. I hurt with you and for you.

Hearing that you and your mom now live in a homeless shelter as a result of all this, where you have to navigate public transit across vast areas of the city due to being uprooted and displaced renders me almost speechless, with an intense combination of dismay and anger. I’m overwhelmed with you and for you.

Hearing that you still long for a relationship with your dad who seems to have forgotten you brings me to tears for you.

I know you said that you stopped crying years ago. But I felt your tears deeper than your words, tucked just behind the internal valve where you shut them off awhile back.

Please know that your tears are a sign that you are alive and real, that you have a precious heart that feels things deeply. Don’t interpret crying as a sign that you are weak and pathetic.

You are strong and brave because you are still upright.

You are strong and brave because you aren’t bitter.

You are strong and brave because you get up every day and go to school and have relationships and you love God and embrace people.

You are strong and brave because you have dreams beyond where you are right now. Never stop dreaming!

Please know that your dad’s failure to give you what you’ve needed isn’t about you. It’s his stuff, not yours. His inability to be a father who notices you, makes time for you, pursues you, invests in you, and celebrates you is not because there is something wrong with you. Honey, it’s your dad’s own brokenness that keeps him from being a dialed-in dad.

On the darkest of days when your deepest self wants to believe the lie that you don’t matter because of the way your dad has treated you, just know there are truths beyond what you’ve experienced. These truths exist because they are rooted in the One who makes these promises and stands by them.

Your Heavenly Father adores you just for being you.

Your Abba (which means “Daddy” in Aramaic) Father created you and wove you together perfectly. He knew you before you were born and He delights in you!

Your Abba Dad calls you His own and will never, ever, for any reason, at any time in your entire life ever abandon or reject you.

Your Abba Father has your name tattooed on His hand and will always remember you by name (If you want proof of this, read Isaiah 49:16).

Your Heavenly Father loves you with a forever love and cherishes you every minute of every day. His consistent love for you will never stop.

Theresa, you are a treasure. To me. And to your Heavenly Father.

Thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life this week.

With love, Michelle

The Scary Side of Fathering a Daughter

Since tomorrow is Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do a little play on words as I write my Dad-Daughter Friday blog this week!

I’ve interacted with a lot of dads over the past six years, hearing stories not only about their love of being a father to a daughter, but also about their legitimate  ambivalence over the enormity of the task. Here’s my synthesis of those conversations, which I’m simply calling “the SCARY side of fathering a daughter.”  

This emotional reality for dads take place when:

• She requires more of your words, time, money, and energy than you had expected or realized when she was in the womb.

• Her moods change faster than you change your socks and you literally cannot always keep up or figure her out. 

• She asks you the hard questions that aren’t just about why the sky is blue and the world is round, but instead wants to know about your past and mistakes you’ve made because she wants to know the truth about who you really are.

• You wake up one day and realize she’s not a little girl anymore and now “that boy” seems to have taken up residence in her heart space, in the exact same place that used to have a “No Boys Allowed” sign on the door.

• You blew it and got angry and have the renewed awareness that you have the power to damage your precious flower in one fell swoop if you’re not careful.

• You fear the outcome as you tentatively walk into her room, all the while feeling the cold prickly chill in the air and noticing that her emotional walls are up, yet you go in anyway as you seek to break through the wall.

• You face the fact that the older she gets you really have little to no control over what she does when she’s outside your house because now it’s time for her to make her own choices (ones that may not line up with “the way you raised her”).

• You realize you are a physical representation on earth of her Father in heaven and are keenly aware that this assignment is way over your head.

Dad, do any of these things bring up fear inside your soul? I imagine they do. I realize there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to take care of the intense realities that you face as a father.

But at the same time, I believe that the little things you do can yield big dividends. 

I’d like to suggest a five-step path to support your heart goal of being a dialed-in dad even with the FRIGHTENING and CONFUSING dynamics that may rise inside you. When the task at hand requires more than you sometimes believe you can master here are a few things to keep in mind. 

I’ll use your five senses for easy recall on how to press in order to pursue your daughter’s heart: 

1.See…

Make eye contact with her every day. And because they say that “eyes are the window to the soul,” you’ll be able to tell how she’s really doing if you get close enough to look into her baby blues (or browns or greens). In an often hostile world, your eyes of love will go a long way toward making her believe she’ll make it because she’ll see her reflection of worth and value in the mirror of your eyes.

2.Hear…

Active listening means leaning forward, nodding your head, setting down your remote and cell phone while paying attention to what she’s saying (long as it may be). If you repeat back the words she says it will help you stay engaged rather than zoning out or inactively listening, especially if you’re tired after a long day or are honestly disinterested in the drama encircling her life. Remember that her world is centered around relationships and when you listen with patience and kindness, it lets her know she matters to you.

3.Smell…

Did you know that our sense of smell syncs with the part of our brain that is tied to learning and emotion? Because we link scents to events, you can help create a bonding, soothing, positive memory experience for your daughter (particularly if she’s in “one of her moods”) by enhancing the aromatic space around her. Practical Idea: Buy her a candle or perfume of her favorite scent to use as aromatherapy when she’s stressed. [Calm daughter = calm dad. Better said: Compassionate, patient, steady dad = calm daughter.]

4.Taste…

It’s hard to be upset when enjoying a fun tasty treat that I like to call a “happy flavor.” (If you’ve ever tried Passion Tea Lemonade at Starbucks, you’ll know what I mean). As a way to stay current with your ever-growing daughter, find out what her favorite tastes are and then find a way connect via that food or drink. You could even surprise her by bringing her that favorite food to brighten her day. (A current Abba Project Dad just drove to his 17-year daughter’s school during lunch to bring her a favorite meal. She told me that she can’t stop talking about it! I say, “Way to go dad in creating a forever memory for your daughter!”)

5.Touch…

If safe touch calms babies, how can it not be what we still need as we age? Find a way to make physical contact with your daughter every day. Embrace her with a hug. Kiss her cheek. Squeeze her hand. Give her a high five. Wrestle with her. (An Abba Project Dad said that he stopped wrestling with his 18-year old daughter as she “developed physically” around the age of 13, but when they started wrestling again while he was in the group, he beamed as he described the positive relational benefits they were experiencing due to more healthy physical contact.)

Whatever age and stage your daughter is in can be the perfect time to let your five senses lead the way to actively communicating love to your girl.

Let today be the day you take action so that the SCARY side to fathering loses its grip. By proactively moving beyond your fear you will be going the extra mile to prove to yourself and to your daughter that real dads don’t back off when they’re SCARED!

Dadvice: What to Do When Your Daughter Gets On Your Last Nerve

I had the privilege of hearing renowned author Anne Lamott speak at Powell’s, one of our infamous Portland bookstores. At one point in her talk she had us all uproariously laughing when she admitted that years ago as a new mom and exhausted single parent she had the understandably human thought to put her crying newborn baby boy outside…for just one night…with the dog! (As if those last two qualifiers somehow made it okay!)

It was refreshing to hear Anne’s gut-level honest disclosure about parenting. And it was clear from the enthusiastic response of the crowd that her irreverent revelations about her secret thought life when it comes to mothering brought a bit of relief because most likely every mom and dad in the room could relate to the fact that:

1. Parenting is hard.

2. Parenting is exhausting.

3. Parenting is relentless with no reneging on the commitment.

4. Parenting takes more out of mom and dad than each knew they were signing up for.

5. Parenting has the potential to lead two rational adults to the brink of insanity!

Now let’s shift gears and focus specifically on fathering. 

As a dad you no doubt have had your buttons pushed by your daughter (probably this week…or even today…especially as she grows older). You may have found yourself wondering how she figured out the password that gained her access into your internal hard drive, the one that activates every response in you that you promised you’d never have as a father. 

And there you are, responding in anger or with a harsh reaction, impatience, or indifference, only then to realize that you are regrettably hurting the one who not so long before had you driving around with a sign in the car window that read, “Precious Cargo on Board.”

And though I never want to come across as a “know-it-all,” I’d love to offer a word picture that might come in handy next time she gets on your last nerve and you’re ready to move in a more positive direction. 

Think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a delicate little flower. 

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her.  

Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful?

Truth be told:  This is how you still need to think of “holding her.”  She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She still needs to be handled with kid gloves, even when she’s being challenging.

I’d even suggest posting one of her baby pictures in a place where you see it every day as a daily reminder that she has a special place in your heart, even when you’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.

One thing that my dad has had to do with me at times like this is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways).  I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him (or for most men), but it can be done. 

I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect, but I do want to challenge you to have a conversation with your mouth and commit to not venting anger or reacting with harshness toward your daughter from this day forward. Or at least for today. 

And the next time you’re triggered, choose to walk away and ground yourself first by breathing deeply or getting some fresh air before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful little flower with your words of life. You’ll both thrive as a result. 

Winning Her Heart vs. Winning an Argument

A few years ago I was talking to my friend Steve and he said something that not only blew me away then, but has stayed with me ever since. In fact, it’s so good that I asked him if I could both quote him and interview him. 

Here we are, seven years later, and Maddie is now in her first year of college. This dad and daughter have now moved past navigating the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between: 

• independence and dependence

• freedom and boundaries

• rules and responsibilities

• distance and connection

...and they’ve locked in a solid, consistent, and deeply bonded relationship. 

So who better to hear from than a dad who has walked his talk and is now experiencing the incredible joy of being connected to his young adult daughter!

Backstory: When Steve’s daughter Maddie was heading into her teen years (a reality that proved to be a more daunting challenge than this dad had anticipated), he was strongly invested in learning how to relate better to his ever-changing and maturing girl. It was during a conversation we had one day that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“It’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.”

Does that sentence hit you like it did me?  

In that moment I said, “Steve, if every dad in America understood that concept, it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

I loved hearing this courageous dad, guided by humility, say that it matters less that he is right, especially if it means he is trampling on his daughter’s heart in the process of holding to that position (and by heart I am describing where her emotions and dreams and passions and visions and ideas converge).

When I asked Steve a few probing questions to further clarify what he meant by his profound quote, he responded honestly. I believe you’ll appreciate the authenticity of his responses because he’s a dad who has been in the trenches just like you and he’s come out the other side.

1.   Steve, how do you go about winning Maddie’s heart?

I’m sitting here asking myself why I pause when trying to codify how I go about winning Maddie’s heart. I wonder: Am I afraid? Am I reluctant because I know that I fail so many times trying to win her heart? Who am I to try and suggest that I know the first thing about winning Maddie’s heart - when in fact I feel like I fail more times than I don’t? 

In fact, I just said to my wife - “This trying to be a dialed-in dad thing is hard. It would be so much easier to just unplug and chuck it!” No joke.  

But this morning, here’s what I wrote in my journal…“Jesus, help me to know how, what, and when to coach Maddie. Help me to know how, what, and when to close my mouth. Help me to know how, what for, and when to be strong for her. And help me to know how, what for, and when to just be with her.”  

You’d have to have been in our home to know the details…and frankly, I’m not sure I get all the details. But the one detail I do know - I love this little lady!  I won’t quit…even when failure seems like my default.  

2.   What works to win her heart and what doesn’t?

My number one strategy to winning her heart:  I…Won’t…Quit. She is my little girl, entrusted to me - her Daddy. And I will fight for her heart. I cannot demand it. But I will remain engaged…even when all the chaos of life collides with my visions of what it was like when she was 4, 5, 6 - with her raspy little Lauren Bacall voice. 

When I see the beauty that stands before me, in all of her “I am my own person” - I am in awe, this is my little girl, becoming a woman and I get the privilege of being present - I’ll take it. I will clumsily keep trying. I’m going to stay in the game - for her, for me, for her mom, for us…for her husband.

3.   Do you have any other strategies for pursuing your daughter’s heart?

My number two strategy to winning her heart - I apologize. I’m broken. I don’t do everything right. I make mistakes. At times I want a do-over. I’m humbled to be her Daddy. Pride has no business in being a dad. Let my humility be the measure of the strength of my love. (this is not a pushover kind of thing…)

My number three strategy. I am not afraid to be silly. Humiliation - ha…bring on the silly - for her sake. Never to humiliate her, but I will cherish the laughter - and Maddie can laugh.  

My number four strategy - I will guard her heart - I will fight for her. I’ll do this (hopefully) with a heart of peace towards others, but I will stand up for her, beside her. We will empower her to be an advocate for herself - but I will protect her.  

Maybe I’m going off topic here…but I will make the first move to restore our relationship. I know that I have to be the leader here. 

I will see her as a person - not a problem….not a problem child…not a child with “girl problems…”

I will tell her “no” - when it’s the right thing to say - even when I assume she is displeased.

4. How do you ground yourself when Maddie escalates emotionally? 

Great question…What is my ideal, aspirational approach? I recognize that she needs me to stay engaged with her as a person. That she knows that there is nothing that she can do that will change the fact that I LOVE her! I tell her this - when things escalate. Honestly, because when emotions climb and reality distorts (in all of us) I want to ground us with the truth – I LOVE HER.

5. How do you keep yourself from giving into anger when the situation is intensifying?

Well, I fail sometimes. My anger can look much more passive aggressive than expressive. I try to recognize when I slip over to anger and may have to suggest we come back around. I care more about her than being right, and we’ll figure the rest out. 

I’ve seen anger drive kids away; this was my own experience. It was amazing what it did to melt away years of hurt when my dad said, “I never looked at it from your perspective.” We are very careful with what we do, or say, in anger…I recognize it in myself and try to check it…or listen to my bride when it pokes its head out. 

6. Do you have any input for other dads of daughters?

Pride…dude, you are a Daddy. Bask in the self-evident pride that comes prescribed with being the dad of a daughter. Celebrate HER, champion HER, empower HER - and watch her fly. And be sure that you are the soft place she can come to when the world pushes off on her strengths and gifts, and tramples on her scars and weaknesses. Come on, you’re her Daddy. 

7.   Are there last thoughts you’d like to add?

I know that I’m a gloriously flawed dad – and trying to say how well I do at winning her heart…no trophies here. But one thing I do is pray for my daughter to recognize that she need not carry the burdens of the world, her school, her friends…but also not to ignore her bent towards leadership, justice, and a deep sense of empathy. I want to put a bubble around her to guard her heart, but I also want her to work out that powerful muscle and grow in her sense of right and wrong, a voice for the marginalized, and a defender of the weak.

Being a Dad is messy. But I am her Daddy…she gets one of me and I’m humbled to be her Daddy.  

Wise words from a seasoned father. 

I’m grateful to Steve for letting us see into his experience because he’s reminding dads everywhere that it’s not about being perfect, but is about staying attentive to the changing tapestry of your daughter’s life.

He’s modeling vulnerability in demonstrating the importance of being real with his girl---whether he’s apologizing and asking forgiveness or being silly and making her laugh.

And last, he’s teaching dads that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

Dad, why not choose one insight that Steve shared today about winning the heart of his girl and put it into action with your daughter today.

Better Than a Dozen Roses: 12 Ways to Let Your Daughter Know She’s Your Valentine

With this being Valentines Day, I figure there’s no better way to celebrate the holiday than to highlight the power of a heart connection from a dad to his daughter. 

And though some may view this day as one reserved only for romance between sweethearts, I see it as an opportunity for a girl to be treated in an extra special way by her dad, thus creating a model for future comparison so she’ll know how to be treated when the love of her life comes knocking! 

Rather than give her 12 roses to let her know she’s loved by you today, why not instead choose 12 things that you can do for her or with her to let her know she’s worth celebrating.

This 14th day of February can be the start of a new tradition where you give her your time, your energy, and your creativity to say, “You’re my valentine.” [Incidentally, you’ll notice that none of these things cost money, but will require that you dig deeper inside yourself than your wallet.] 

Have fun being resourceful in ways that require ingenuity, patience, a servant’s heart, and a good dose of humor.

Here’s a dozen ideas to help you win her heart anew this Valentines Day:

1. Do something fun where the two of you enjoy an activity together ---walking, running, biking, shooting hoops, kicking a ball, playing a board game, eating, cooking, etc.

2. Let her teach you something she’s good at and you’re not ---baking, cooking, doing an art project, coloring, talking, etc.

3. Write a letter telling her the qualities you love, admire, respect, and want to reinforce in her ---for extra credit, read and then give her the letter, which I guarantee will be something she will treasure for the rest of her life.

4. Step out of your comfort zone and invite her to dance with you to one of her favorite songs ---if she declines, don't feel bad; she won't forget you asked, even if she says “no” to your request. 

5. Listen for ten uninterrupted minutes while practicing active listening skills ---look at her while she talks, nod your head to show you’re interested, lean forward, ask questions to encourage her to talk more (yes, you heard me right!), and put away all distractions to give her your full attention. 

6. Share three stories from your childhood that you’ve never told her before ---of course you’ll want to ask her if she'd like to hear them since some girls like hearing stories more (or less) than others.

7. Serve her in a way that is unexpected and out of the ordinary---fix something that’s broken, run an errand so she doesn’t have to, make her bed for her, do one of her chores as a surprise gift to her, etc.

8. Ask if you’ve hurt her and then seek forgiveness after hearing the whole story ---then follow the lead of one dad who has makes a practice of asking his five-year old daughter this question every night as he tucks her into bed, "Has Daddy been sharp with you today?" This allows him to hear if or how he’s hurt her and immediately do damage control.

9. Surf the internet with her and find funny videos that make both of you laugh ---because humor bonds us to those around us, why not intentionally create space to connect over shared laughter, which releases endorphins that will cause both of you to feel happier.

10. Take selfies of the two of you putting random things on your heads with silly captions to then post on her social media sites with the hashtag: #daddaughterselfie

11. At any time of the day make her a breakfast food she loves---pancakes, waffles, omelet, cereal, etc.---and then eat it with no hands to create an experience that is sure to serve as a lasting memory! (Idea credit: Garth Brooks, who led his daughters to do this with him during their growing up years, which inspires others to now follow his lead).

12. Watch one of her favorite television shows or movies with her ---be sure not to tease her or belittle her for anything she likes and then offer to pop popcorn or dish up ice cream to make the experience extra fun and enjoyable. 

Dad, why not give your daughter a new kind of Valentine gift this year that requires your full attention and whole heart.

I’m convinced that she’ll feel loved by you in a new way as you give more of yourself than money can buy. I believe this has the potential to be better than a dozen roses as this forever memory will last a lifetime!

18 Ways to "Be the First" in Your Daughter's Life

So here we are once again at the beginning of a new year, that time when we all turn the page and look forward to a fresh start. Some of us might even dare to believe that anything is possible as the script for 2020 is yet to be written.

How about if you and I join forces to not only believe together for positive changes in our relationships this year, but then commit to putting that desire into action. Are you with me?

When I think about the concept of firsts, especially when it comes to fathers understanding their daughters with more precision, I want to highlight what a big deal “firsts” are for us as girls.

To prove my point, you could ask any woman when she had her first crush. [In fact, this would be a great question to ask your daughter, no matter her age.] She’ll immediately tell you because that memory is frozen in time and available for fast recall whenever prompted. 

Then you could ask her about her first kiss, her first dance, first prom, or first breakup. They’re all filed away.

Now let’s change it up a bit and address more than just romance or heartbreak.

You could ask about her first job, her first paycheck, first car or first bad grade. Yep….all stored in the vault.

Here’s how I see it. If your daughter is wired to remember firsts, then why not capitalize on that reality by being the first to do it right and get it right…all en route to her heart.

Dad, what if you made it your goal in this new year to create memories for your daughter by deciding to “be the first.”

• Be the first to tell her you love her every single day so she never has to wonder if you do.

• Be the first to choose kindness because it’s a virtue you want her to exemplify.

• Be the first to set the bar high in modeling what a good man looks like so all other men will be compared to you.

• Be the first to tell her you’re sorry.

• Be the first to show her that strong men can cry.

• Be the first to model what humility looks like.

• Be the first to write her a note telling her what you find special about her.

• Be the first to take her on an adventure.

• Be the first to buy her a “just-because” treat.

• Be the first to take her out for an extravagant meal.

• Be the first to wipe her tears and hold her in your arms when her life goes sideways. 

• Be the first to listen rather than lecture.

• Be the first to “hold her anger” without reacting harshly in return.

• Be the first to initiate deep conversations about spirituality, God, faith, politics, goals, and even your life growing up.

• Be the first to model a healthy spiritual life so she can follow your example.

• Be the first give of your time and energy to serve her.

• Be the first to invest in launching her dreams by funding a project she is passionate about.

• Be the first to applaud her successes from the front row.

Why be the first?

It’s the best way to show her what love looks like when backed by action. Better yet, she’ll relate to all other men based on what she experiences with you.

Dad…you’ve got the whole year ahead to lead the way in loving your daughter first. Decide now to make this a year of firsts, beginning by choosing one thing in the list to do today!