Dad, Help Your Daughter Find Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, you’ll see that this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal. How’s that for significant?!

This little statistic serves as a reminder that as a reflective listener, we often say more by what never comes out of our mouths.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments.

Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has. Her voice is the conduit for her heart, brains, and spirit. When she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

I imagine that you’ve probably never thought of it like that when it comes to your daughter sharing (or perhaps in your view, over sharing!), and expressing her ever-changing opinions and constantly-emerging views, especially if they differ from yours.

But yes, that’s what Joe is talking about because he’s saying that if you don’t let her learn to confidently express herself with you, she will be less equipped to do so outside of your home.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

Do you hear the heart longings in every one of these daughters to be special to her dad?

This is a need, not a want.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad today who helps your daughter to find and use her voice.

9 Ways to Start a Conversation About Romance with Your Daughter on Valentine's Day

Do you remember Valentine’s Day as a kid?

For me it was all about reading the fun messages on those little conversation hearts and eating the whole box in one sitting while figuring out whether to give my favorite Valentine to Steve Dobson or Dave O’Gieblyn.

I remember the class parties we’d have at the end of the school day every February 14th when everyone would finally open up their individually decorated boxes that held the Valentines our classmates had been putting there during the week. I can recall trying to be coy, but secretly hoping that those two boys in particular would give me an extra special Valentine that just might hold some clue as to whether they liked me back.

Yes, in sixth grade, that was as deep as this holiday got for me!

Funny as that is, I’m reflecting now on the fact that even as a pre-teen I was already tuned in to the way that Valentine’s Day had a mysterious, intriguing tone when it came to romance (even if I wasn’t fully aware of it back then!).

Before continuing, I want to assert that not all girls and women are into the romance thing. Some love it and some don’t. Yet in my experience, I would say that the strong majority of females are positively responsive when it comes to the idea of being pursued and romanced.

Let me say it another way as it relates to your daughter: She wants to be treasured by someone, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.

So, if this is the longing of her heart, you as her dad have the perfect opportunity this week to let her know that she’s the joy of your life, just like you felt when she was born [even if she’s in a season where she’s more reactive and less responsive].

In light of all this, Dad, here’s your challenge: Use this weekend to spend extra time with your daughter where you invite her to share her thoughts, feelings, longings, and opinions about romance…with you.

And if this kind of conversation isn’t “her thing,” that’s okay. I’ve talked with many dads who have still had lively discussions with their daughters on this topic, even when their girls responded negatively to the way our culture is positioned around this theme.

The important thing is to open up a conversation with your daughter while she gives voice to what’s inside her.

And to set you up for success, here are some questions you can ask her to lead the conversation about romance:

Dad, if you want to download a pdf of of these questions, click here

1. What do you remember it being like as a little girl when you’d see romance in books or movies? What did you like or not like in those stories?

2. It seems that a lot of Disney [or other] movies emphasize romance. As you look back, what are your thoughts about how romance was portrayed?

3. Now that you’re older, do you ever think about lessons you were taught about romance from your favorite books or movies? What were some of those lessons, especially regarding what it takes to be chosen and romanced?

4. What messages about being a girl/woman did you get from books or movies then…or now? Was there ever a message that being beautiful tied to being romanced?

5. Whether it was in fantasy (through books/movies) or real life, what have you seen or learned about the girls/women who don’t get chosen?

6. How do you see yourself when it comes to being romanced? Do you feel positively or negatively about it?

7. If you’re okay sharing it, what are your hopes, dreams, and thoughts about what you want romance to be like for you? Be as honest as you can, even if your wishes seem out of the realm of possibility.

8. Have you ever been romanced in the way you’ve envisioned or hoped it would be? What has meant the most to your heart to make you feel valued and important?

9. If I were to fill up your love tank by making you feel more loved and special, what could I do specifically to make you feel those things now? (Dad, be willing to press in here while encouraging her to be honest so you learn at least one or two specific ways to pursue her heart.)

For extra Dad points: Bring her a box of conversation hearts and tell her that you’re enjoying this conversation about her heart!

So that’s how you can make a forever love deposit into her heart. She talks and you listen.

To Valentine’s Day and beyond!

For a list of more questions to invite your daughter to open up with you, check out my newest book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters https://amzn.to/3fDAhZd

P.D.C. (Public Display of Connection)

Recently I was talking with a group of dads and the conversation turned to their daughter’s mood swings and their common experiences in not knowing what to do during those times. Understandably, this Venusian dynamic (I’m referencing the concept that men are from Mars and women are from Venus) creates a challenge for most every dad when it comes to figuring out how to navigate the “changing weather patterns” with no “meteorological training,” if you know what I mean!

Every dad admitted to often feeling lost without a road map when it comes to pacing with the twists and turns of teenage and young adult female development.

While I sat there listening to the added pressure these dads feel when struggling to decode the verbal and non-verbal cues of their daughters, it was clear that they all wanted to engage and pursue their daughter’s hearts despite the challenges. Their camaraderie led the way for openness around admitting their confusion over sometimes being invited closer while at other times being pushed away.

As we talked about ways to connect even when it’s hard, I shared that adolescent girls, in particular, may not always like physical touch from their dads because they may be embarrassed if their friends are watching or might think they’re too old for cuddling, hugging, or hand-holding.

But I also suggested that especially during stressful times, the best gift often is a hug so that she feels wrapped in safe arms that are holding her when she’s overwhelmed with life.

And this isn’t just my opinion; it’s actually backed up by research. Did you know that when we give or receive a hug, our brains release oxytocin, which is an antidote to the effect of cortisol, the stress hormone?

I truly believe that every daughter needs her dad even when she doesn’t always know that he’s what she needs. In fact, daughters sometimes push their dads away while secretly wishing that he’d not give up even when she makes him work to connect with her emotionally and relationally.

Since these dads were still tracking with me, I continued.

“It’s vital for you to consistently find ways to connect with your daughters, both inside and outside your homes, because daughters need their dads to teach them what safe touch feels like (in ways that honor her individual wiring—with some wanting less physical touch and others preferring more). Make sure to never pull away and detach during those harder years or your daughter will be left to wonder why she’s not worth the investment of your time, attention, and energy.”

It was then that I described the importance of appropriate physical touch and actually meant to say, “public display of affection” (P.D.A.). But it was one of those serendipitous times where my words got mixed up, and what came out of my mouth instead was, “public display of connection!” (which I’m now referring to as “P.D.C.”).

I love when “happy mistakes” like that happen because those words have stayed with me ever since. This has led me now to wonder:

What would it look like if every dad consistently initiated points of healthy physical connection with their daughter of any age in public places where life is on display?

For me, one of the best ways that my dad and I share “P.D.C.” is during our annual Perfume Day where my dad enters into the whole experience with absolute JOY, buying me whichever perfume I choose. We walk around the store walking hand in hand (or arm in arm) and I feel comfortable with this kind of public display of connection because it clearly communicates that my dad loves me and values me…and vice versa!

It seems to me that if every dad figured out a way to publicly demonstrate relational connection to his daughter, she would feel his love in a way that would go straight to her heart. And she would know that her dad wants the world to know that he’s proud and grateful to be her father. (Additional benefit: it gives a message to boys that this girl has a dialed-in dad!).

Dad…it’s up to you to take the initiative to connect with your daughter’s heart.

You have the responsibility as her father to find a way to reach her. I know it’s not always easy, especially when you feel disrespected or ignored, yet that doesn’t excuse you from still needing to move towards her in relationship.

As we head into 2021, I challenge you to set your intention to be the dad who finds ways to initiate safe touch as you publicly put your love for your daughter on display in ways that let her know she’s one of your greatest loves!

P.S. Since Valentines Day is just a couple of weeks away, if you’ve never started Perfume Day with your daughter, this would be a great year to begin this new tradition where P.D.C. is activated and your daughter gets to experience this forever memory with you!

How to Talk with Your Daughter as She Processes the Events of January 6th

Little did I know when I wrote my blog two weeks ago titled, “Just Ask the Butterfly”, that I’d immediately need to put into practice the very things I wrote about. I was focused on the importance of looking back at 2020 to see where we grew and got stronger while stretching our wings to break free from the cocoon so we could fly higher with new views.

Then January 6th happened: A protest gone wrong at the Capitol in Washington, DC.

I want to say here at the start that I’m not taking a political stand. I’m not presenting a case that leans right or left. That’s not the point of my blog today.

I don’t believe this is the time to get into debates about being blue or red. Instead, I believe this is a critical time to stand united as father and daughter, even if your political views differ. This is the time for you to lean in to take care of each other like never before.

If we want to see our nation move towards healing, it starts at home.

I’ve been doing some heavy pondering this past week and I imagine that your daughters (even yourselves) are in deep thought as well. None of us know what things will look like tomorrow, next week, or even next month.

Based on interactions I’ve been having, here’s what I would like to say on behalf of your daughters:

• They are scared

• They don’t know who to be angry at

• They don’t know who to trust

• Their emotions are spilling over into anything and everything, often with responses and reactions that are inappropriate to the situation at hand

• They don’t know what their future will look like because the country as they’ve known it feels different than ever before

As most of you know, I published a second book last year titled, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters” with 60 scripts for you to dialogue with your daughters. Can I just tell you that it never even crossed my mind to include a template for you as fathers to interact with your girls on the state of the nation.

But here we are now.

I believe there’s no better time than the present for you to encourage your daughter to talk to you while you listen. After all, we never forget the people who are truly there for us when we’re in the storm, do we?

Right now is the right time for you to interact with your daughter because (as you’ve heard me say many times…so I’m quoting myself here from Let’s Talk) “the more you’re a sounding board without trying to fix your daughter’s problems while she vents and expresses herself, the more you’ll help her process her emotions and experiences….and you’ll see that a power takes root in a daughter when she fully believes that she matters because what she thinks and feels matters.”

So, enough of me talking.

Now it’s up to you to encourage your daughter to talk…to you and with you.

I want you to text or call your daughter right now to set up a time to connect with her (either in person or remotely) so that you can listen, validate, love, and support her during this tumultuous time. I assure you that she’s feeling the intensity in the atmosphere right now, and who better to be there for an extra dose of TLC than you?

Then when you get together, use this following script to go deeper with her while you intentionally choose to:

• listen without lecturing

• be kind without correction

That said, I challenge you to bring this script with you as you engage your daughter in conversation. These questions are designed for you to encourage her to open up because it will help her figure things out as she gives them a voice. Then feel free to share your thoughts and feelings with her…if she’s open to hearing you, that is.

I’d love to hear how it goes. We’re in this together and I’m cheering you on!

Dad, if you want to download the pdf of these questions, click here

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How to Talk with Your Daughter as She Processes the Events of January 6th

“Hi Honey…It’s an understatement to say this has been an intense week in our nation. I feel it and I know you do too. Can we find a time to meet up sometime in the next week with a goal to support each other? I’m not wanting this to be a time where we debate, but more just to connect as dad and daughter. What do you say? I’ll flex with your schedule. What day and time works best for you?”

1. January 6th was an unexpected day in our nation’s capital. What was that day like for you as you saw and heard the media posting stories and showing footage of protestors storming the Capitol with violence, destruction, shootings, etc.?

2. There are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. What emotions were you feeling then and which of these have you felt since then?

3. What has made you feel sadness about all that’s taken place nationally or locally (if there is local impact, that is)?

4. Does anything make you angry when you think about all that happened there…or in our city at a local level?

5. Does anything scare you about all that went down that day or do you worry about anything happening in the future, particularly when it comes to safety, civil unrest, protests, riots, etc.?

6. What about your own future? Is there anything that you fear as you look ahead based on these kinds of events and this one in particular?

7. Is there anything you wish would have been done differently by those who were on site in Washington, D.C. as they were trying to protect the Capitol and those inside it?

8. What are your thoughts about protests? How do you think people should go about expressing their opinions and making their voices heard to those in authority….or to anyone else, for that matter?

9. Do you have any other thoughts, opinions or feelings about what’s happening in America?

10. The political climate in our country is hot and volatile right now. Is there any way that I can be a better support to you or encourage you in this season?

“Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with me. I want you to know that you can always come to me to process anything at any time. I want to be a safe place where you know you’ll be heard no matter what. The bottom line is this: Seasons come and go, leaders and platforms change, but at the end of the day, we’re family and I want you to rest secure in knowing that I have your back through it all. I love you and am here for you…love, Dad.”

Just Ask the Butterfly

CONGRATULATIONS…You made it through 2020!

And now here we are at the start of this new year, and we're all collectively breathing a sigh of relief because we’ve lived through a year that threw us curve ball after curve ball. Whether it was working from home or doing school remotely while parents stepped in as insta-teachers or our changed plans due to Covid-19 (which I know personally after planning and then re-planning my June wedding), all the way to riots and election crazies.

To sum it up, we’ve all been forced to adjust, flex, adapt, and change. Then we had repeated rounds of being required to adjust, flex, adapt, and change.

In psychology, we use the term “window of tolerance” to describe that optimum zone where we’re at peak performance with just enough manageable stress to energize our performance without pushing us to max capacity where we crash and burn. In 2020, we all clearly were pushed to EXPAND our window of tolerance beyond what we thought we could tolerate.

But as we look back and reflect, I believe we will suffer a great loss if we focus primarily on the fact that we SURVIVED a difficult year rather than looking at specific ways that we THRIVED through it. Perhaps we even grew because of it.

This prompts me to ask you, Dad, these questions:

1. Do you recognize the ways that you have grown this past year? The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth and for your growing relationship with her.

2. Are you ready to lead your daughter to reflect on this past year to see where she’s grown or are you more apt toward wanting to forget what lies behind while reaching forward to what lies ahead?

The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth, and your growing relationship with her.

Just ask the butterfly.

The struggle isn’t the bad part if we choose to look through a lens that sees greater horizons ahead that are only possible due to our larger wingspan. And that larger wingspan has only come because we endured through the process of change.

As a father, I know that you don’t want to see your daughter [or any other women who are daughters] suffer. That stance is reasonable and it shows your deep love for her. Of course your heart hurts when hers is hurting. Yet there is real truth to these words by the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”

Stated another way, here’s how one man described the growth process: “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” (James 1:3-5)

So let’s talk about action steps that you can take as a father to lead your daughter to see where she’s grown in 2020.

I suggest that you take her on a date where you open up a reflective conversation. Share your thoughts on what 2020 has been like for you too so that both of you can grow together.

Here’s how you can help her consider specific ways that her wingspan has increased and strengthened this year by asking her:

1. What was the hardest/worst part of 2020?

2. What was the best part of the past year?

3. What was the biggest surprise (good or bad) that you experienced?

4. Is there anything that you thought would be bad, but ended up being good or not as bad as you thought it would be? (ex: altered school activities or school/work schedule, changed plans, different dynamics with friends, etc.)

5. What is one area where you’ve seen yourself grow the most in the last year?

Then end by saying to her:

“Here’s where I’ve seen you and I each grow from being stretched farther than we thought we could be stretched this year….[give specifics]

I’m so proud of you for persevering and not giving up even when it was hard.

As I look at you, I see an incredible butterfly who has broken through the cocoon and now you’re ready to fly higher with more grace than ever before.”

Recognizing your growth in 2020 is the best preparation for the flight to come in 2021!