Dear Theresa... (My Letter to a Fatherless Teenage Daughter)

Meeting you this past weekend changed me. You are extraordinary. You are courageous and fierce. You are a warrior. And at only 15 years old you are a heroine in my eyes.

Hearing your story about your dad leaving years ago and not ever coming back for you touches me deeply. I am still grieving with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad has a new girlfriend who seems to have captured his gaze rather than seeing you makes me sad with you and for you.

I’m not just sad for the here and now impact to your heart, but I’m worried that you might end up believing that you aren’t beautiful enough to capture a guy’s attention. Or that you’ll run towards any guy who shows you attention because of your unmet needs and your longing to be special and cared for, even if it lasts only for that moment. Please don’t ever settle for anyone who makes you feel less than the exquisite gift that you are.

Hearing that your dad hasn’t called you for two birthdays in a row but that you’ve had to call him makes my heart ache with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad does things with your brother and not you leaves me feeling emotionally heavy because you are most likely internalizing a message that you are lacking, that you aren’t valuable, and that you aren’t worthy of his time. I hurt with you and for you.

Hearing that you and your mom now live in a homeless shelter as a result of all this, where you have to navigate public transit across vast areas of the city due to being uprooted and displaced renders me almost speechless, with an intense combination of dismay and anger. I’m overwhelmed with you and for you.

Hearing that you still long for a relationship with your dad who seems to have forgotten you brings me to tears for you.

I know you said that you stopped crying years ago. But I felt your tears deeper than your words, tucked just behind the internal valve where you shut them off awhile back.

Please know that your tears are a sign that you are alive and real, that you have a precious heart that feels things deeply. Don’t interpret crying as a sign that you are weak and pathetic.

You are strong and brave because you are still upright.

You are strong and brave because you aren’t bitter.

You are strong and brave because you get up every day and go to school and have relationships and you love God and embrace people.

You are strong and brave because you have dreams beyond where you are right now. Never stop dreaming!

Please know that your dad’s failure to give you what you’ve needed isn’t about you. It’s his stuff, not yours. His inability to be a father who notices you, makes time for you, pursues you, invests in you, and celebrates you is not because there is something wrong with you. Honey, it’s your dad’s own brokenness that keeps him from being a dialed-in dad.

On the darkest of days when your deepest self wants to believe the lie that you don’t matter because of the way your dad has treated you, just know there are truths beyond what you’ve experienced. These truths exist because they are rooted in the One who makes these promises and stands by them.

Your Heavenly Father adores you just for being you.

Your Abba (which means “Daddy” in Aramaic) Father created you and wove you together perfectly. He knew you before you were born and He delights in you!

Your Abba Dad calls you His own and will never, ever, for any reason, at any time in your entire life ever abandon or reject you.

Your Abba Father has your name tattooed on His hand and will always remember you by name (If you want proof of this, read Isaiah 49:16).

Your Heavenly Father loves you with a forever love and cherishes you every minute of every day. His consistent love for you will never stop.

Theresa, you are a treasure. To me. And to your Heavenly Father.

Thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life this week.

With love, Michelle

Your Words Wear Me Out

Dad, have you ever thought or said these five words to your daughter: “Your words wear me out?” If so, you’re not alone.

Truth be told, I’ve had more dads than I can count tell me they often are glassy-eyed as their daughters (especially adolescent girls) talk so fast and furious that it’s like they’re standing there looking into a vast abyss of words. They admit to me that this is when their minds go blank and they can’t think of what to say next because they took a detour from the conversation a few exits back!

Case in point: Just this week a dad told me that he literally had no idea what his teenage daughter was talking about as he sat there and tried to keep up. My heart went out to him as I validated that his experience was normal. I then encouraged him not to walk away, ignore her, or shut her out because in doing so he shuts her down.

Girls take those types of non-verbal cues and not only interpret them as rejection, but assume that something is inherently wrong with who they are because they couldn’t keep dad interested in what they were saying.

With that backdrop, I think you’ll enjoy hearing the backstory to the title of this blog.

I’ll never forget the Monday night when my dad and I were having dinner at Costco. As he took a bite of his pepperoni pizza, out of his mouth popped this unexpected revelation:

“To be honest, Michelle, a lot of the time your words wear me out.
 I just can’t listen to you as much as you want me to because of
 there being so many words. Half the time you lose me.” 

I’m not gonna lie, I was shocked. I didn’t even know what to say at first because my dad had never told me this before and it kind of smacked me upside the head. But on the other hand, I was thankful he was being honest with me. I love real conversations that sit in the center of authentic relationships, even when they’re challenging and hard.

So what do you do if, like my dad, you have a daughter who has the “gift of gab” where her words really do exhaust you? 

Here are a few pointers that might help you to go the distance with your verbose daughter:

1. Hold on to the words of my friend, Joe Kelly (a.k.a. The Dad Man), who says that “a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has,” which means that as you respect and honor her voice, you teach her that what she has to say has merit.

2. Remember that we as girls tend to figure things out by talking, so you are giving her a profound gift just by actively listening as she hears herself process everything out loud.

3. Rest assured that your idea of what it means to have too many words and her idea of too many words are two different things, and as the adult it’s your job to pace with her----not the other way around.

4. Make sure that your own inner dialogue centers around gratitude that she’s talking with you because it sets a solid foundation for her to be open and transparent with you that will last for years to come. 

5. Don’t shame her or try to change her by criticizing her “mastery of language.”

6. Remind yourself that God creates and loves both introverts and extroverts and He has wired her this way for a purpose.

7. Turn your exhaustion and/or frustration into a prayer for her future, asking God to give her opportunities to use her giftedness with words to speak life and love into those around her.

8. Find creative ways to support her love for language by encouraging her to:

• join the debate class at school

• job shadow someone at a local television or radio station where she will get a front row seat to seeing life as an anchor, reporter, or host

• write something for the local newspaper or a national organization

• submit an article for an online magazine or digital forum

• start blogging or creating video content using her own thoughts, observations, questions, and convictions as she finds her unique voice

• begin taking steps to pursue writing a book on a topic she’s passionate about

• volunteer at an elder care facility where older folks who are lonely would cherish time with a talkative young girl while giving her their full attention as they enjoy her company

9. Be willing to do your own work by challenging yourself to track with her words as you ask questions to draw her out so she knows that the things that matter to her matter to you.

Dad, decide right now to give the gift of validation by celebrating every word that comes out of your talkative daughter’s mouth, reminding yourself that your listening ear communicates loudly and directly to her that she is worthy. 

How about letting her know today that her words don’t wear you out by staying for the entire conversation and actively listening. Then, cherish the fact that your daughter has a voice and is learning to use it wisely as she practices expressing it with you.

Summing up: When empowered women use their voices while simultaneously having dads who celebrate them by listening, they receive a double blessing. 

How to Damage Your Daughter In One Easy Step

As you can imagine, when men hear that I specialize in the dad-daughter relationship, I often experience one of two things:

1. I’m asked challenging questions that come from deep places of confusion, hurt and/or frustration with his daughter…or….

2. Proud fathers pull out their phones and show me heartwarming pictures of their girls (especially when looking at pics from when they were or are under the age of 10)

I’ll always remember the time I met a young dad who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter. His face lit up as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve written books on this very subject, he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Make sure to always drop your anger and/or any emotions or expressions that communicate negativity towards her with your body language or tone of voice.”

I continued. “Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger or frustration or disgust as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close her spirit.”

Though my 20 seconds were up, he was still listening. So I kept going.

“There are a couple of places in the Bible that say that it’s all about you as a dad being the first one to turn your HEART, not just your head, towards your daughter, especially if you want her to turn her heart towards you. In fact, God says that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children, He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my strong response was too negative. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what to do instead of what not to do.

But on second thought, I recalled the numerous men I’ve spoken with over the last decade who have been way more interested in knowing how not to mess up as a dad with their daughters. I know you’re like those guys or you wouldn’t be reading my blog! And I also believe that you want to do it right and get it right and say it right.

Before we go any further, let me define my terms. By “anger responses or negative emotion/expressions” I am referring to the rolling of your eyes, gasping, intense/stern facial expressions, raising your voice, yelling, swearing, name-calling, throwing things, hitting (people or inanimate objects), inappropriate gestures, frowning, failure to make eye contact, lack of attentiveness, indifference….you get the gist!

Because your daughter longs for your approval, when you respond aggressively or negatively towards her, she’ll distance herself from you so she doesn’t feel like she’s a big disappointment to you.

That said, here are five main ways that a dad’s anger or negative emotions/expressions impact his daughter in one easy step:

• Your anger destroys her spirit

• Your anger shuts her down

• Your anger crushes the core of who she is

• Your anger causes her to give up

• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving

My belief is that every one of you dads want the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.

You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core. You want her be all of who she is created to be while living from a deep knowledge that she is loved and worthy of being loved with the ultimate expression being that she is able to share her love with the world.

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad: The only way your daughter will achieve this goal is for you to stay the course consistently, daily.

• Instruct her without anger (or negative responses)

• Discipline her without anger

• Dialogue with her without anger

• Disagree with her without anger

• Lead her without anger

Choose today to set a new course by determining that when you’re triggered you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding. Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends. Ask forgiveness (this is a heart healing, heart restorative move).

Make a covenant with your mouth (and your face) not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward. But if you do, make it right as soon as possible while building her up with loving words.

That, my friend, is how you can strengthen the core of your daughter’s being in one easy step!

5 Keys for Connecting with Your Daughter Today

Awhile back a friend of mine sent me a video of a dad and his four-year old daughter creating their own musical montage to Taylor Swift's hit song, ‘Shake It Off.’ The title reads: “She Left Her Husband and Daughter Home Alone. What They Did? Prepare to Smile.”

The blurb said that while some dads park their kids in front of the television so they can relax, this dad did the opposite. He brought out props and costumes and created something magical with his little girl that she most likely will never forget. It didn’t cost money but it cost him time and energy. The write-up ended by saying that this dad did all of this “with so much palpable joy that it's impossible not to smile. This little girl is lucky to have such a fun, loving dad.”

Here’s why I believe this video touched so many hearts: Because every woman who saw it most likely shared it with her friends while every one of them wished they had a dad who would drop his guard to have fun and connect with them.

Let me say it another way: Every daughter wants a relationship with her dad like this little girl has with her daddy: connected, fun, interactive, engaging, sweet, and loving.

And lest we think that only women were impacted by this video, I happened to mention it to a dad named Mike and if you can believe it, he’d already seen it! This piqued my curiosity and I asked why he watched it. Here was his immediate response: “I wanted to see their connection because I’m so conscious now of connecting to a daughter’s heart.” [His teenage daughter is his reference point].

There it is. Connection. Daughter. Heart.

Mike went on to say, “Why am I not more proactive than reactive? I want more do-overs with my kids. I want to be present.”

There’s something powerful about a dad being present in the moment and that is the best way to connect with his daughter.

I doubt that this dad planned ahead for the video shoot with his little girl. I’m guessing that he just got creative on that day when mom was out of the house and they were needing something to fill the time. So he got creative!

If you want an action plan to make deeper connections with your daughter, here are five ways to connect with her today:

1. ALLY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEART
There is so much in life that is coming against her; be the man who is for her. Being her heart ally means truly listening to her needs and wants, then choosing to engage with her around the things she enjoys. It’s not about meeting her half way; it’s about going the extra mile even if she doesn’t come your way, seeking to look at her life through her eyes.

2. ANGER DROPPED
If you were to walk up and ask me, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about how to be the best dad I can be to my daughter, what would it be?” Without hesitation I would say: Stop venting your anger at her.

Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.             
Your anger makes her give up.
Your anger makes her believe that she is unloveable, unworthy and not worth loving.
Your anger crushes the core of who she is. Enough said.

3. ASK QUESTIONS
As we all know, there are questions that get to the heart of a person and there are questions used to interrogate and intimidate. To accomplish the former, it invites the question: How do you ask good questions to pace with your daughter while she talks?

Here’s an easy solution to this dilemma.  All you have to do is listen for the key words in what she just shared or the last words that she just used in her last sentence to you.

You: [Start with a general question] “How was your day at school
Her: “Fine.”
You: “What about it was fine?”
Her: “Well, this really hot guy smiled at me in math.”
You: “What about him is hot?”
...and on it goes from there.

This will require a lot of active listening, but that’s a vital part of connecting and I know you’re all about making that happen!

4. ANSWER WITH: “I’M WONDERING”
This tool has been described by dads I’ve coached as “the #1 greatest help in opening up communication with our daughters.”  All you have to do is to add these two little words to the beginning of any question you ask her.

I’ll never forget Andy who used to ask his 17-year old daughter Meghan, “Why aren’t you going to school today?”  Every time it ended the same where her emotional wall went up and she barked back at him. Figuring he had nothing to lose, Andy tried it and instead asked her, ‘I’m wondering…why aren’t you going to school today?” Miraculously she started talking! Andy’s confidence and competence increased simultaneously as he reported, “I couldn’t believe it worked!”

5. AFFIRM, Affirm, Affirm
I heard a #GirlDad recently say, “I never thought what I said mattered that much.” I’m here to tell you that YOU are a KEY to your daughter’s well-being and confidence. Stated otherwise, one positive affirmation from you could offset her horrible, no good, very bad day.

The overriding themes in research strongly support that when a daughter feels connected to her father, she will do better in school, achieve higher grades, experience less depression, display greater self-esteem, report lower rates of suicide, and on it goes.

Basically, I’m here to implore you to be the life-breathing voice in her head. Your voice will ring in her mind long after you speak. You can never affirm and encourage her enough…or too much.

To be a connected dad, it’s going to take work. But like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember: The most important part in your fathering role is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter…

Because, after all, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present.

Dadvice: Be the Life-Breathing Voice in Her Head

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately twenty thousand words per day while males use about seven thousand. Is that a crazy significant difference or what?!

Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words. (I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right? Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you are often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken).

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures. And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

Stated another way, words have great value to women, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her (think: vacuum) or they can breathe life into her (think: leaf blower). It’s your choice.

Though I’ve often said that “a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way,” I once heard him say something that has stuck with me ever since: No relationship is neutral. At any given point you are either contributing to or contaminating the relationship.

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• not speaking (which is neutral and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text, call, email, or FaceTime her to tell her that you love her? Or you could take a few minutes to write her a note just to say that you are so thankful to be her dad. Your words are extra meaningful when you take the time to put them in your own handwriting because then she can read them over and over…and we girls love things like that!

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.