What Daughters Need to Hear From Their Dads (Guest Blog by Shaunti Feldhahn)

Shaunti Feldhahn is a dear friend of mine and it’s an honor to have her joining us again today. Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author. Her books, including For Women Only, For Parents Only, and The Kindness Challenge have sold more than 3 million copies around the world. The Feldhahns live in Atlanta with their two kids and two cats who think they are dogs.
~ Michelle

Dads—you’ve been there for first words, first steps, first stumbles. You’ve been there to mend the skinned knees and give out hugs. You’ve attended the ballet recitals, softball tournaments, and gone on late-night ice cream runs. You’ve helped study for exams, dried tears from first break-ups… you’ve been there.

And we know how much you love your precious daughter. But there’s something you might not know: just how much your daughter needs to hear it! In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these several key phrases have a lot more impact on the heart of a girl than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.

Here are four crucial things daughters need to hear from their dads:

#1: “I Love You, Sweetheart.” 

Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. This gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders “Am I lovable?” Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks “Do I measure up?” you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her and tell her just how loved and lovable she is! It is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

#2: “You’re Beautiful.” 

Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

#3: “I’m So Proud Of You.”

You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them (“Whew, I did something right!”). This is vital from any parent figure but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase!

#4: “I’m Always Here For You—Even When You Make Mistakes.”

You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court—but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

We all know there’s nothing like the bond between fathers and daughters. And knowing the words that truly reach your daughter’s heart (and using them often) is a gift you can give that will last a lifetime.

This article was also published at Patheos.

The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

I literally cannot believe I’m celebrating one whole year of marriage this week. Time sure flies!

So as a way to let you hear Ken’s heart, I’ve invited him to write a guest blog focused on his ground-breaking book,
“The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers: Becoming the Father Your Children Need.”
This is the first of twelve books he’s written and many would say this is their favorite,
which is underscored by the fact that it’s been translated into ten languages!

I’m excited for you to learn some fathering secrets from my husband (I’m still getting used to that word, “husband!”) since he’s the founder of the National Center for Fathering and is deeply invested in the lives of dads.

This overview will give you evidence-based practices that you can immediately put into action as you pursue the hearts of your daughters and sons. Go Dad!
~ Michelle

For the past three decades I’ve spent countless hours listening to and surveying over ten thousand voices from fathers across America. Their responses, answers, comments, and experiences have set the foundation for what I’m sharing with you today. As a researcher, I’ve collected data, run statistical analyses, read diverse scientific journals, and interacted with professionals who are working with fathers. And yes, I’ve raised five children of my own as well.

Yet in listening to a number of men who are considered by professionals and their peers to be effective fathers, I’ve discovered that they are dads just like you and me, but have taken their fathering role strongly to heart and have excelled in it. They are master craftsmen. I’ve listened to these men because I want their wisdom and insights on how I, too, can become an effective father.

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

There are certain things that effective fathers do differently from all other dads. In fact, there are at least seven things. I call them the seven secrets of effective fathers, and if we learn them, we, too, can become better fathers.

That said, here are the seven secrets of effective fathers gleaned from the insights of respected journeymen:

1. Commitment
You may have turned your heart toward your children, but are you communicating that? Do your children know without a doubt that, in your heart, they stand head and shoulders above almost everything else? Verbalize your commitment to your kids, let them know you are accessible, and look for occasions (even create them) where you can simply have fun with your kids!

2. Knowing your child
What separates effective fathers from all other fathers is that they are also aware of who their children are as individuals. They know each child’s distinct personality traits, talents, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Our research revealed that effective fathers know when his child has a difficult day or is upset, the names of his/her best friends, what encourages and motivates his child the most, when he’s hurt his child’s feelings, when his child was embarrassed, and most of his child’s recent disappointments.

3. Consistency
Our research shows that an effective father is consistent in his moods, his presence in the family, his keeping of promises, his morality and ethics, his daily schedule, and his hobbies and interests. Of these categories, becoming consistent in your moods may prove to be the biggest struggle. But it is a struggle in which you can find victory. Many times, men who are inconsistent in their emotions are that way because they had fathers who were inconsistent. But we can make what I call regular and wise “midcourse corrections” to avert many life crises by a choice of our will. And just like a captain to his crew, the committed father turns to his family to bring them safely to port by saying, “Because I love you and want to guide you safely, I’m going to make the effect to draw a new map.”

4. Protection/provision
Our children need us to not only know their needs and work to meet those needs, but also to see us protect and provide for them. While some protective issues may be less visible than in days when we circled the wagons, there are still plenty of occasions where a father must rise up and protect those he loves, particularly in a crisis. A father’s positive response in the face of crisis is crucial, and though he might not be able to prevent a crisis, his actions can do a lot to determine the outcome when the crisis does occur.

5. Loving their mother
I have struggled to understand this secret. It seems to leave little room for variance. What about fathers whose wives have left them? How can these men apply this secret after they have experienced marital disruption? This secret creates a great difficulty for those men who sincerely love their children and want to be effective dads, but who have a hard time loving their children’s mother. The question is: Do you love your kids? Then one of the best things you can do for them is to love their mother--or at least maintain a civil relationship with her while committing to never undercut or disgrace her in front of them. The main benefit to your children is an atmosphere of security. And if you’re married: date your mate, model teamwork, show affection in front of your kids, or take your kids with you when you shop for a gift for your wife.

6. Active listening
Effective fathers have learned the discipline of giving their full attention to their children when they are speaking. They allow their children to disagree without becoming angry, and commit to creating an atmosphere of caring and acceptance that encourages them to share their ideas. Because the goal of listening is to gain an understanding of how our child perceives the situation, we will need to expand our skill set in learning to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions to grasp what our children are thinking and feeling.

7. Spiritual equipping
Actually, it’s understandable that many fathers feel inadequate when it comes to spiritual matters. We’re surrounded by many other people who seem so much better equipped than we are to foster our children’s growth. But don’t tell me that spiritual equipping doesn’t matter to your kids. They’re listening to what you say about God, and they take great comfort in your consistent, heartfelt expressions of faith in the Almighty. Effective fathers understand the spiritual aspects of their children’s lives, and they work to help their children discover their own relationship with God.

These seven secrets will stand you in good stead, but there is actually one thing you still lack. I need to tell you about the eighth secret.

With fathering, you can do your part by applying the seven secrets of effective fathers and it is likely you will reap a crop of well-equipped children who live their lives wonderfully, though there is no guarantee that this will happen.

This is why there is an eighth secret. And it is a mystery. In fact, this secret may be the most profound of them all.

Within each father there is a secret that he longs to express with his kids. It is each mans’ individual expression of his fathering.

Yes, fathering is a daunting and complex task, but only you can father your children. You are the only one in possession of that secret that God wants implanted in the lives of your children through you.

Effective fathers rise to the challenge, confident that the Heavenly Father will make up for their weaknesses and bless even their most uncertain efforts.

Seven secrets. Seven tasks. Seven wonders of the world. Yet if you’ve had the privilege of being present for the birth of your child, you instantly know that the grandeur of the Great Pyramids of Egypt or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon pale in comparison.

When your baby is born and you see his or her first breath, then you know you’ve seen the eight wonder of the world.

Eight wonders. Eight secrets.

A God of grace.

Your Wife is a Daughter Too

I love getting emails from men who ask great questions and make astute observations that clarify, corroborate and confirm.

Here’s one such email I received from a man named Dave [who gave me permission to share this publicly], followed by my response. Dave’s insights inspired me to write this blog since I couldn’t have said it any better!

Dr. Watson,

Love your Dad Whisperer podcast! Your coaching has encouraged me and helped improve my relationship with my 13-year old daughter and I hope and pray that I set her up for successful adult relationships. And as I've listened, I’ve had a realization. Turns out my wife was a daughter once too! She had a difficult relationship with her alcoholic father who divorced her mother when my wife was in her late teens. He died of his affliction a few years later and my wife never reconciled.

Now I know this isn't a marriage counseling service, and I'm certainly not trying to be a father to my wife, BUT is there an opportunity for me specifically (and other husbands in general) to do something positive and affirming for our wives, using these awesome dad-daughter tools you've given us? I can't fix her; she and God are going to have to work those things out. But maybe I can help? Or at least make it easier?

I love my wife very much and any opportunity to become a better husband is probably the best, first step to becoming a better father.

Thank you! Most sincerely & respectfully yours, Dave

Hi Dave,

I absolutely agree with you and LOVE that you’re seeing that your wife is a daughter too. You have made a revelatory link. Well done in being aware that her own “dad wounds” and/or “dad deficits” aren’t yours to heal or fix, but that you’re invested in being a man of integrity who loves his wife dearly.

I want to highlight two questions you raised: “But maybe I can help? Or at least make it easier?” With your sensitivity towards your wife’s history, I assume you’ve invited her to share stories about her relationship with her dad. By asking her to open up about her losses, you are already doing both of those things - helping her and making it easier - by giving her space to be heard, validated, believed, and supported.

You mentioned that you could “use these awesome dad-daughter tools you've given us” with your wife. To that I say, “YES!” I would encourage you to take the scripts in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and ask your wife to answer them as if she was talking about her dad. This will allow her to process more than she may even know is still held inside her, ready to be released as you are a safe witness to her story.

Here’s a reality about us as women: When we open our mouths, our hearts open. So by encouraging your wife to talk and share vulnerably with you, you are leading her into an interactive experience that is positive and safe. And though she never reconciled with her father, she has an opportunity now to work towards some kind of resolution within herself.

One last thought. Many women have told me how they have found hope and comfort seeing their husband treat their girls with love, dignity, and respect. So the way you treat your daughter provides a model that can bring vicarious healing to your wife. Even more, as you walk your talk, she gets to see and feel what it’s like for a daughter to interact with her dad, which could revitalize the way she interacts with God as her Father.

As you set an example for the next generation, you also affirm your wife who gave you the privilege of becoming a father.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I love interacting with courageous men like you. Keep up the great work!

Sincerely, Dr. Michelle

5 Things Jesus Understands About Women's Emotions

I’m sure you’ve heard of the two sisters in the Bible named Mary and Martha. I love that they were dear friends of Jesus, which means he knew them and they knew him. Up close and personal. For better or worse.

Let’s pick up the story during the time when Martha had too much work and not enough support, which led her to be reactive, super stressed, and overwhelmed, leading then to what some might call a “freak out.”

Question for you, dad: Would you use any of those words to describe your daughter, especially if she is traveling through “juvenile puberty,” a season that Dr. James Dobson describes as lasting at least five years where high levels of estrogen lead to significantly unstable and reactive moods, thinking patterns, and behaviors?

If you can relate - and if you’d like to learn a few tips from the expert (a.k.a. Jesus) - about what he did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend to diffuse her reactivity, here are:

FIVE PHENOMENAL WAYS TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE MIDST OF A MELTDOWN:

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.

Even when Martha dramatically tells Jesus that He “doesn’t care” about her (we would call that a false assumption, which always take place during “Category 5” meltdowns), in a self-absorbed way she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Excuse me! Doesn’t she know that you don’t talk to the King of the Universe like that?! Now bringing it closer to home: Does any of this sound familiar, especially during those times when your daughter talks to you with that tone or attitude?

Following Jesus example, that’s when you want to be a steady force by letting her vent to you without taking it personal or taking offense while listening to all of what’s weighing on her.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.

There’s something calming about hearing your name. It’s grounding for us girls. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone, she will come towards you...eventually. You can even try saying something endearing to touch her heart space, maybe even a nickname you have for her like “honey” or “sweetheart.”

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.

Jesus tells her that he knows that she’s worried and upset. He names what she’s feeling and doesn’t try to talk her out of it or try to get her to think rationally. No lectures. No criticism. He knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway. So he simply stays with her, looks at her, and puts words to what she’s feeling by kindly naming her emotions.4. He highlights all on her plate.

As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, text our friend, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her meltdown. How kind of him to notice that she really did have way too much to handle. Your daughter need the same type of validation and kind attentiveness from you.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.

Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with too much going on, we need gentle, supportive guidance while being reminded to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it all down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

A way to broaden that theme of focusing on one thing at a time, I would suggest asking her if there is one thing you could take off of her plate or you could help her think of one thing she could do to start making a dent in the whole or you could buy her a treat (one thing) to brighten her day.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down:

1. Sit alongside her and listen to her vent.

2. Move towards her and lovingly say her name.

3. Describe her emotions by telling her that you understand she’s “worried and upset.”

4. Validate her by acknowledging that she does have too much on her plate (even if you think she doesn’t. Remember to honor her reality, not yours).

5. Help her to focus on one thing---or you can do one thing to lighten her load.

I know it’s easier said than done but these five things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity.

And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you, dad, were there with her in it.

Dear Theresa... (My Letter to a Fatherless Teenage Daughter)

Meeting you this past weekend changed me. You are extraordinary. You are courageous and fierce. You are a warrior. And at only 15 years old you are a heroine in my eyes.

Hearing your story about your dad leaving years ago and not ever coming back for you touches me deeply. I am still grieving with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad has a new girlfriend who seems to have captured his gaze rather than seeing you makes me sad with you and for you.

I’m not just sad for the here and now impact to your heart, but I’m worried that you might end up believing that you aren’t beautiful enough to capture a guy’s attention. Or that you’ll run towards any guy who shows you attention because of your unmet needs and your longing to be special and cared for, even if it lasts only for that moment. Please don’t ever settle for anyone who makes you feel less than the exquisite gift that you are.

Hearing that your dad hasn’t called you for two birthdays in a row but that you’ve had to call him makes my heart ache with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad does things with your brother and not you leaves me feeling emotionally heavy because you are most likely internalizing a message that you are lacking, that you aren’t valuable, and that you aren’t worthy of his time. I hurt with you and for you.

Hearing that you and your mom now live in a homeless shelter as a result of all this, where you have to navigate public transit across vast areas of the city due to being uprooted and displaced renders me almost speechless, with an intense combination of dismay and anger. I’m overwhelmed with you and for you.

Hearing that you still long for a relationship with your dad who seems to have forgotten you brings me to tears for you.

I know you said that you stopped crying years ago. But I felt your tears deeper than your words, tucked just behind the internal valve where you shut them off awhile back.

Please know that your tears are a sign that you are alive and real, that you have a precious heart that feels things deeply. Don’t interpret crying as a sign that you are weak and pathetic.

You are strong and brave because you are still upright.

You are strong and brave because you aren’t bitter.

You are strong and brave because you get up every day and go to school and have relationships and you love God and embrace people.

You are strong and brave because you have dreams beyond where you are right now. Never stop dreaming!

Please know that your dad’s failure to give you what you’ve needed isn’t about you. It’s his stuff, not yours. His inability to be a father who notices you, makes time for you, pursues you, invests in you, and celebrates you is not because there is something wrong with you. Honey, it’s your dad’s own brokenness that keeps him from being a dialed-in dad.

On the darkest of days when your deepest self wants to believe the lie that you don’t matter because of the way your dad has treated you, just know there are truths beyond what you’ve experienced. These truths exist because they are rooted in the One who makes these promises and stands by them.

Your Heavenly Father adores you just for being you.

Your Abba (which means “Daddy” in Aramaic) Father created you and wove you together perfectly. He knew you before you were born and He delights in you!

Your Abba Dad calls you His own and will never, ever, for any reason, at any time in your entire life ever abandon or reject you.

Your Abba Father has your name tattooed on His hand and will always remember you by name (If you want proof of this, read Isaiah 49:16).

Your Heavenly Father loves you with a forever love and cherishes you every minute of every day. His consistent love for you will never stop.

Theresa, you are a treasure. To me. And to your Heavenly Father.

Thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life this week.

With love, Michelle

Your Words Wear Me Out

Dad, have you ever thought or said these five words to your daughter: “Your words wear me out?” If so, you’re not alone.

Truth be told, I’ve had more dads than I can count tell me they often are glassy-eyed as their daughters (especially adolescent girls) talk so fast and furious that it’s like they’re standing there looking into a vast abyss of words. They admit to me that this is when their minds go blank and they can’t think of what to say next because they took a detour from the conversation a few exits back!

Case in point: Just this week a dad told me that he literally had no idea what his teenage daughter was talking about as he sat there and tried to keep up. My heart went out to him as I validated that his experience was normal. I then encouraged him not to walk away, ignore her, or shut her out because in doing so he shuts her down.

Girls take those types of non-verbal cues and not only interpret them as rejection, but assume that something is inherently wrong with who they are because they couldn’t keep dad interested in what they were saying.

With that backdrop, I think you’ll enjoy hearing the backstory to the title of this blog.

I’ll never forget the Monday night when my dad and I were having dinner at Costco. As he took a bite of his pepperoni pizza, out of his mouth popped this unexpected revelation:

“To be honest, Michelle, a lot of the time your words wear me out.
 I just can’t listen to you as much as you want me to because of
 there being so many words. Half the time you lose me.” 

I’m not gonna lie, I was shocked. I didn’t even know what to say at first because my dad had never told me this before and it kind of smacked me upside the head. But on the other hand, I was thankful he was being honest with me. I love real conversations that sit in the center of authentic relationships, even when they’re challenging and hard.

So what do you do if, like my dad, you have a daughter who has the “gift of gab” where her words really do exhaust you? 

Here are a few pointers that might help you to go the distance with your verbose daughter:

1. Hold on to the words of my friend, Joe Kelly (a.k.a. The Dad Man), who says that “a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has,” which means that as you respect and honor her voice, you teach her that what she has to say has merit.

2. Remember that we as girls tend to figure things out by talking, so you are giving her a profound gift just by actively listening as she hears herself process everything out loud.

3. Rest assured that your idea of what it means to have too many words and her idea of too many words are two different things, and as the adult it’s your job to pace with her----not the other way around.

4. Make sure that your own inner dialogue centers around gratitude that she’s talking with you because it sets a solid foundation for her to be open and transparent with you that will last for years to come. 

5. Don’t shame her or try to change her by criticizing her “mastery of language.”

6. Remind yourself that God creates and loves both introverts and extroverts and He has wired her this way for a purpose.

7. Turn your exhaustion and/or frustration into a prayer for her future, asking God to give her opportunities to use her giftedness with words to speak life and love into those around her.

8. Find creative ways to support her love for language by encouraging her to:

• join the debate class at school

• job shadow someone at a local television or radio station where she will get a front row seat to seeing life as an anchor, reporter, or host

• write something for the local newspaper or a national organization

• submit an article for an online magazine or digital forum

• start blogging or creating video content using her own thoughts, observations, questions, and convictions as she finds her unique voice

• begin taking steps to pursue writing a book on a topic she’s passionate about

• volunteer at an elder care facility where older folks who are lonely would cherish time with a talkative young girl while giving her their full attention as they enjoy her company

9. Be willing to do your own work by challenging yourself to track with her words as you ask questions to draw her out so she knows that the things that matter to her matter to you.

Dad, decide right now to give the gift of validation by celebrating every word that comes out of your talkative daughter’s mouth, reminding yourself that your listening ear communicates loudly and directly to her that she is worthy. 

How about letting her know today that her words don’t wear you out by staying for the entire conversation and actively listening. Then, cherish the fact that your daughter has a voice and is learning to use it wisely as she practices expressing it with you.

Summing up: When empowered women use their voices while simultaneously having dads who celebrate them by listening, they receive a double blessing. 

How to Damage Your Daughter In One Easy Step

As you can imagine, when men hear that I specialize in the dad-daughter relationship, I often experience one of two things:

1. I’m asked challenging questions that come from deep places of confusion, hurt and/or frustration with his daughter…or….

2. Proud fathers pull out their phones and show me heartwarming pictures of their girls (especially when looking at pics from when they were or are under the age of 10)

I’ll always remember the time I met a young dad who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter. His face lit up as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve written books on this very subject, he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Make sure to always drop your anger and/or any emotions or expressions that communicate negativity towards her with your body language or tone of voice.”

I continued. “Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger or frustration or disgust as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close her spirit.”

Though my 20 seconds were up, he was still listening. So I kept going.

“There are a couple of places in the Bible that say that it’s all about you as a dad being the first one to turn your HEART, not just your head, towards your daughter, especially if you want her to turn her heart towards you. In fact, God says that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children, He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my strong response was too negative. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what to do instead of what not to do.

But on second thought, I recalled the numerous men I’ve spoken with over the last decade who have been way more interested in knowing how not to mess up as a dad with their daughters. I know you’re like those guys or you wouldn’t be reading my blog! And I also believe that you want to do it right and get it right and say it right.

Before we go any further, let me define my terms. By “anger responses or negative emotion/expressions” I am referring to the rolling of your eyes, gasping, intense/stern facial expressions, raising your voice, yelling, swearing, name-calling, throwing things, hitting (people or inanimate objects), inappropriate gestures, frowning, failure to make eye contact, lack of attentiveness, indifference….you get the gist!

Because your daughter longs for your approval, when you respond aggressively or negatively towards her, she’ll distance herself from you so she doesn’t feel like she’s a big disappointment to you.

That said, here are five main ways that a dad’s anger or negative emotions/expressions impact his daughter in one easy step:

• Your anger destroys her spirit

• Your anger shuts her down

• Your anger crushes the core of who she is

• Your anger causes her to give up

• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving

My belief is that every one of you dads want the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.

You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core. You want her be all of who she is created to be while living from a deep knowledge that she is loved and worthy of being loved with the ultimate expression being that she is able to share her love with the world.

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad: The only way your daughter will achieve this goal is for you to stay the course consistently, daily.

• Instruct her without anger (or negative responses)

• Discipline her without anger

• Dialogue with her without anger

• Disagree with her without anger

• Lead her without anger

Choose today to set a new course by determining that when you’re triggered you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding. Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends. Ask forgiveness (this is a heart healing, heart restorative move).

Make a covenant with your mouth (and your face) not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward. But if you do, make it right as soon as possible while building her up with loving words.

That, my friend, is how you can strengthen the core of your daughter’s being in one easy step!

5 Keys for Connecting with Your Daughter Today

Awhile back a friend of mine sent me a video of a dad and his four-year old daughter creating their own musical montage to Taylor Swift's hit song, ‘Shake It Off.’ The title reads: “She Left Her Husband and Daughter Home Alone. What They Did? Prepare to Smile.”

The blurb said that while some dads park their kids in front of the television so they can relax, this dad did the opposite. He brought out props and costumes and created something magical with his little girl that she most likely will never forget. It didn’t cost money but it cost him time and energy. The write-up ended by saying that this dad did all of this “with so much palpable joy that it's impossible not to smile. This little girl is lucky to have such a fun, loving dad.”

Here’s why I believe this video touched so many hearts: Because every woman who saw it most likely shared it with her friends while every one of them wished they had a dad who would drop his guard to have fun and connect with them.

Let me say it another way: Every daughter wants a relationship with her dad like this little girl has with her daddy: connected, fun, interactive, engaging, sweet, and loving.

And lest we think that only women were impacted by this video, I happened to mention it to a dad named Mike and if you can believe it, he’d already seen it! This piqued my curiosity and I asked why he watched it. Here was his immediate response: “I wanted to see their connection because I’m so conscious now of connecting to a daughter’s heart.” [His teenage daughter is his reference point].

There it is. Connection. Daughter. Heart.

Mike went on to say, “Why am I not more proactive than reactive? I want more do-overs with my kids. I want to be present.”

There’s something powerful about a dad being present in the moment and that is the best way to connect with his daughter.

I doubt that this dad planned ahead for the video shoot with his little girl. I’m guessing that he just got creative on that day when mom was out of the house and they were needing something to fill the time. So he got creative!

If you want an action plan to make deeper connections with your daughter, here are five ways to connect with her today:

1. ALLY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEART
There is so much in life that is coming against her; be the man who is for her. Being her heart ally means truly listening to her needs and wants, then choosing to engage with her around the things she enjoys. It’s not about meeting her half way; it’s about going the extra mile even if she doesn’t come your way, seeking to look at her life through her eyes.

2. ANGER DROPPED
If you were to walk up and ask me, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about how to be the best dad I can be to my daughter, what would it be?” Without hesitation I would say: Stop venting your anger at her.

Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.             
Your anger makes her give up.
Your anger makes her believe that she is unloveable, unworthy and not worth loving.
Your anger crushes the core of who she is. Enough said.

3. ASK QUESTIONS
As we all know, there are questions that get to the heart of a person and there are questions used to interrogate and intimidate. To accomplish the former, it invites the question: How do you ask good questions to pace with your daughter while she talks?

Here’s an easy solution to this dilemma.  All you have to do is listen for the key words in what she just shared or the last words that she just used in her last sentence to you.

You: [Start with a general question] “How was your day at school
Her: “Fine.”
You: “What about it was fine?”
Her: “Well, this really hot guy smiled at me in math.”
You: “What about him is hot?”
...and on it goes from there.

This will require a lot of active listening, but that’s a vital part of connecting and I know you’re all about making that happen!

4. ANSWER WITH: “I’M WONDERING”
This tool has been described by dads I’ve coached as “the #1 greatest help in opening up communication with our daughters.”  All you have to do is to add these two little words to the beginning of any question you ask her.

I’ll never forget Andy who used to ask his 17-year old daughter Meghan, “Why aren’t you going to school today?”  Every time it ended the same where her emotional wall went up and she barked back at him. Figuring he had nothing to lose, Andy tried it and instead asked her, ‘I’m wondering…why aren’t you going to school today?” Miraculously she started talking! Andy’s confidence and competence increased simultaneously as he reported, “I couldn’t believe it worked!”

5. AFFIRM, Affirm, Affirm
I heard a #GirlDad recently say, “I never thought what I said mattered that much.” I’m here to tell you that YOU are a KEY to your daughter’s well-being and confidence. Stated otherwise, one positive affirmation from you could offset her horrible, no good, very bad day.

The overriding themes in research strongly support that when a daughter feels connected to her father, she will do better in school, achieve higher grades, experience less depression, display greater self-esteem, report lower rates of suicide, and on it goes.

Basically, I’m here to implore you to be the life-breathing voice in her head. Your voice will ring in her mind long after you speak. You can never affirm and encourage her enough…or too much.

To be a connected dad, it’s going to take work. But like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember: The most important part in your fathering role is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter…

Because, after all, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present.

Dadvice: Be the Life-Breathing Voice in Her Head

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately twenty thousand words per day while males use about seven thousand. Is that a crazy significant difference or what?!

Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words. (I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right? Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you are often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken).

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures. And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

Stated another way, words have great value to women, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her (think: vacuum) or they can breathe life into her (think: leaf blower). It’s your choice.

Though I’ve often said that “a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way,” I once heard him say something that has stuck with me ever since: No relationship is neutral. At any given point you are either contributing to or contaminating the relationship.

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• not speaking (which is neutral and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text, call, email, or FaceTime her to tell her that you love her? Or you could take a few minutes to write her a note just to say that you are so thankful to be her dad. Your words are extra meaningful when you take the time to put them in your own handwriting because then she can read them over and over…and we girls love things like that!

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.

Dad, Help Your Daughter Find Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, you’ll see that this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal. How’s that for significant?!

This little statistic serves as a reminder that as a reflective listener, we often say more by what never comes out of our mouths.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments.

Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has. Her voice is the conduit for her heart, brains, and spirit. When she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

I imagine that you’ve probably never thought of it like that when it comes to your daughter sharing (or perhaps in your view, over sharing!), and expressing her ever-changing opinions and constantly-emerging views, especially if they differ from yours.

But yes, that’s what Joe is talking about because he’s saying that if you don’t let her learn to confidently express herself with you, she will be less equipped to do so outside of your home.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

Do you hear the heart longings in every one of these daughters to be special to her dad?

This is a need, not a want.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad today who helps your daughter to find and use her voice.