9 Ways to Start a Conversation About Romance with Your Daughter on Valentine's Day

Do you remember Valentine’s Day as a kid?

For me it was all about reading the fun messages on those little conversation hearts and eating the whole box in one sitting while figuring out whether to give my favorite Valentine to Steve Dobson or Dave O’Gieblyn.

I remember the class parties we’d have at the end of the school day every February 14th when everyone would finally open up their individually decorated boxes that held the Valentines our classmates had been putting there during the week. I can recall trying to be coy, but secretly hoping that those two boys in particular would give me an extra special Valentine that just might hold some clue as to whether they liked me back.

Yes, in sixth grade, that was as deep as this holiday got for me!

Funny as that is, I’m reflecting now on the fact that even as a pre-teen I was already tuned in to the way that Valentine’s Day had a mysterious, intriguing tone when it came to romance (even if I wasn’t fully aware of it back then!).

Before continuing, I want to assert that not all girls and women are into the romance thing. Some love it and some don’t. Yet in my experience, I would say that the strong majority of females are positively responsive when it comes to the idea of being pursued and romanced.

Let me say it another way as it relates to your daughter: She wants to be treasured by someone, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.

So, if this is the longing of her heart, you as her dad have the perfect opportunity this week to let her know that she’s the joy of your life, just like you felt when she was born [even if she’s in a season where she’s more reactive and less responsive].

In light of all this, Dad, here’s your challenge: Use this weekend to spend extra time with your daughter where you invite her to share her thoughts, feelings, longings, and opinions about romance…with you.

And if this kind of conversation isn’t “her thing,” that’s okay. I’ve talked with many dads who have still had lively discussions with their daughters on this topic, even when their girls responded negatively to the way our culture is positioned around this theme.

The important thing is to open up a conversation with your daughter while she gives voice to what’s inside her.

And to set you up for success, here are some questions you can ask her to lead the conversation about romance:

Dad, if you want to download a pdf of of these questions, click here

1. What do you remember it being like as a little girl when you’d see romance in books or movies? What did you like or not like in those stories?

2. It seems that a lot of Disney [or other] movies emphasize romance. As you look back, what are your thoughts about how romance was portrayed?

3. Now that you’re older, do you ever think about lessons you were taught about romance from your favorite books or movies? What were some of those lessons, especially regarding what it takes to be chosen and romanced?

4. What messages about being a girl/woman did you get from books or movies then…or now? Was there ever a message that being beautiful tied to being romanced?

5. Whether it was in fantasy (through books/movies) or real life, what have you seen or learned about the girls/women who don’t get chosen?

6. How do you see yourself when it comes to being romanced? Do you feel positively or negatively about it?

7. If you’re okay sharing it, what are your hopes, dreams, and thoughts about what you want romance to be like for you? Be as honest as you can, even if your wishes seem out of the realm of possibility.

8. Have you ever been romanced in the way you’ve envisioned or hoped it would be? What has meant the most to your heart to make you feel valued and important?

9. If I were to fill up your love tank by making you feel more loved and special, what could I do specifically to make you feel those things now? (Dad, be willing to press in here while encouraging her to be honest so you learn at least one or two specific ways to pursue her heart.)

For extra Dad points: Bring her a box of conversation hearts and tell her that you’re enjoying this conversation about her heart!

So that’s how you can make a forever love deposit into her heart. She talks and you listen.

To Valentine’s Day and beyond!

For a list of more questions to invite your daughter to open up with you, check out my newest book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters https://amzn.to/3fDAhZd

P.D.C. (Public Display of Connection)

Recently I was talking with a group of dads and the conversation turned to their daughter’s mood swings and their common experiences in not knowing what to do during those times. Understandably, this Venusian dynamic (I’m referencing the concept that men are from Mars and women are from Venus) creates a challenge for most every dad when it comes to figuring out how to navigate the “changing weather patterns” with no “meteorological training,” if you know what I mean!

Every dad admitted to often feeling lost without a road map when it comes to pacing with the twists and turns of teenage and young adult female development.

While I sat there listening to the added pressure these dads feel when struggling to decode the verbal and non-verbal cues of their daughters, it was clear that they all wanted to engage and pursue their daughter’s hearts despite the challenges. Their camaraderie led the way for openness around admitting their confusion over sometimes being invited closer while at other times being pushed away.

As we talked about ways to connect even when it’s hard, I shared that adolescent girls, in particular, may not always like physical touch from their dads because they may be embarrassed if their friends are watching or might think they’re too old for cuddling, hugging, or hand-holding.

But I also suggested that especially during stressful times, the best gift often is a hug so that she feels wrapped in safe arms that are holding her when she’s overwhelmed with life.

And this isn’t just my opinion; it’s actually backed up by research. Did you know that when we give or receive a hug, our brains release oxytocin, which is an antidote to the effect of cortisol, the stress hormone?

I truly believe that every daughter needs her dad even when she doesn’t always know that he’s what she needs. In fact, daughters sometimes push their dads away while secretly wishing that he’d not give up even when she makes him work to connect with her emotionally and relationally.

Since these dads were still tracking with me, I continued.

“It’s vital for you to consistently find ways to connect with your daughters, both inside and outside your homes, because daughters need their dads to teach them what safe touch feels like (in ways that honor her individual wiring—with some wanting less physical touch and others preferring more). Make sure to never pull away and detach during those harder years or your daughter will be left to wonder why she’s not worth the investment of your time, attention, and energy.”

It was then that I described the importance of appropriate physical touch and actually meant to say, “public display of affection” (P.D.A.). But it was one of those serendipitous times where my words got mixed up, and what came out of my mouth instead was, “public display of connection!” (which I’m now referring to as “P.D.C.”).

I love when “happy mistakes” like that happen because those words have stayed with me ever since. This has led me now to wonder:

What would it look like if every dad consistently initiated points of healthy physical connection with their daughter of any age in public places where life is on display?

For me, one of the best ways that my dad and I share “P.D.C.” is during our annual Perfume Day where my dad enters into the whole experience with absolute JOY, buying me whichever perfume I choose. We walk around the store walking hand in hand (or arm in arm) and I feel comfortable with this kind of public display of connection because it clearly communicates that my dad loves me and values me…and vice versa!

It seems to me that if every dad figured out a way to publicly demonstrate relational connection to his daughter, she would feel his love in a way that would go straight to her heart. And she would know that her dad wants the world to know that he’s proud and grateful to be her father. (Additional benefit: it gives a message to boys that this girl has a dialed-in dad!).

Dad…it’s up to you to take the initiative to connect with your daughter’s heart.

You have the responsibility as her father to find a way to reach her. I know it’s not always easy, especially when you feel disrespected or ignored, yet that doesn’t excuse you from still needing to move towards her in relationship.

As we head into 2021, I challenge you to set your intention to be the dad who finds ways to initiate safe touch as you publicly put your love for your daughter on display in ways that let her know she’s one of your greatest loves!

P.S. Since Valentines Day is just a couple of weeks away, if you’ve never started Perfume Day with your daughter, this would be a great year to begin this new tradition where P.D.C. is activated and your daughter gets to experience this forever memory with you!

How to Talk with Your Daughter as She Processes the Events of January 6th

Little did I know when I wrote my blog two weeks ago titled, “Just Ask the Butterfly”, that I’d immediately need to put into practice the very things I wrote about. I was focused on the importance of looking back at 2020 to see where we grew and got stronger while stretching our wings to break free from the cocoon so we could fly higher with new views.

Then January 6th happened: A protest gone wrong at the Capitol in Washington, DC.

I want to say here at the start that I’m not taking a political stand. I’m not presenting a case that leans right or left. That’s not the point of my blog today.

I don’t believe this is the time to get into debates about being blue or red. Instead, I believe this is a critical time to stand united as father and daughter, even if your political views differ. This is the time for you to lean in to take care of each other like never before.

If we want to see our nation move towards healing, it starts at home.

I’ve been doing some heavy pondering this past week and I imagine that your daughters (even yourselves) are in deep thought as well. None of us know what things will look like tomorrow, next week, or even next month.

Based on interactions I’ve been having, here’s what I would like to say on behalf of your daughters:

• They are scared

• They don’t know who to be angry at

• They don’t know who to trust

• Their emotions are spilling over into anything and everything, often with responses and reactions that are inappropriate to the situation at hand

• They don’t know what their future will look like because the country as they’ve known it feels different than ever before

As most of you know, I published a second book last year titled, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters” with 60 scripts for you to dialogue with your daughters. Can I just tell you that it never even crossed my mind to include a template for you as fathers to interact with your girls on the state of the nation.

But here we are now.

I believe there’s no better time than the present for you to encourage your daughter to talk to you while you listen. After all, we never forget the people who are truly there for us when we’re in the storm, do we?

Right now is the right time for you to interact with your daughter because (as you’ve heard me say many times…so I’m quoting myself here from Let’s Talk) “the more you’re a sounding board without trying to fix your daughter’s problems while she vents and expresses herself, the more you’ll help her process her emotions and experiences….and you’ll see that a power takes root in a daughter when she fully believes that she matters because what she thinks and feels matters.”

So, enough of me talking.

Now it’s up to you to encourage your daughter to talk…to you and with you.

I want you to text or call your daughter right now to set up a time to connect with her (either in person or remotely) so that you can listen, validate, love, and support her during this tumultuous time. I assure you that she’s feeling the intensity in the atmosphere right now, and who better to be there for an extra dose of TLC than you?

Then when you get together, use this following script to go deeper with her while you intentionally choose to:

• listen without lecturing

• be kind without correction

That said, I challenge you to bring this script with you as you engage your daughter in conversation. These questions are designed for you to encourage her to open up because it will help her figure things out as she gives them a voice. Then feel free to share your thoughts and feelings with her…if she’s open to hearing you, that is.

I’d love to hear how it goes. We’re in this together and I’m cheering you on!

Dad, if you want to download the pdf of these questions, click here

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How to Talk with Your Daughter as She Processes the Events of January 6th

“Hi Honey…It’s an understatement to say this has been an intense week in our nation. I feel it and I know you do too. Can we find a time to meet up sometime in the next week with a goal to support each other? I’m not wanting this to be a time where we debate, but more just to connect as dad and daughter. What do you say? I’ll flex with your schedule. What day and time works best for you?”

1. January 6th was an unexpected day in our nation’s capital. What was that day like for you as you saw and heard the media posting stories and showing footage of protestors storming the Capitol with violence, destruction, shootings, etc.?

2. There are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. What emotions were you feeling then and which of these have you felt since then?

3. What has made you feel sadness about all that’s taken place nationally or locally (if there is local impact, that is)?

4. Does anything make you angry when you think about all that happened there…or in our city at a local level?

5. Does anything scare you about all that went down that day or do you worry about anything happening in the future, particularly when it comes to safety, civil unrest, protests, riots, etc.?

6. What about your own future? Is there anything that you fear as you look ahead based on these kinds of events and this one in particular?

7. Is there anything you wish would have been done differently by those who were on site in Washington, D.C. as they were trying to protect the Capitol and those inside it?

8. What are your thoughts about protests? How do you think people should go about expressing their opinions and making their voices heard to those in authority….or to anyone else, for that matter?

9. Do you have any other thoughts, opinions or feelings about what’s happening in America?

10. The political climate in our country is hot and volatile right now. Is there any way that I can be a better support to you or encourage you in this season?

“Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with me. I want you to know that you can always come to me to process anything at any time. I want to be a safe place where you know you’ll be heard no matter what. The bottom line is this: Seasons come and go, leaders and platforms change, but at the end of the day, we’re family and I want you to rest secure in knowing that I have your back through it all. I love you and am here for you…love, Dad.”

Just Ask the Butterfly

CONGRATULATIONS…You made it through 2020!

And now here we are at the start of this new year, and we're all collectively breathing a sigh of relief because we’ve lived through a year that threw us curve ball after curve ball. Whether it was working from home or doing school remotely while parents stepped in as insta-teachers or our changed plans due to Covid-19 (which I know personally after planning and then re-planning my June wedding), all the way to riots and election crazies.

To sum it up, we’ve all been forced to adjust, flex, adapt, and change. Then we had repeated rounds of being required to adjust, flex, adapt, and change.

In psychology, we use the term “window of tolerance” to describe that optimum zone where we’re at peak performance with just enough manageable stress to energize our performance without pushing us to max capacity where we crash and burn. In 2020, we all clearly were pushed to EXPAND our window of tolerance beyond what we thought we could tolerate.

But as we look back and reflect, I believe we will suffer a great loss if we focus primarily on the fact that we SURVIVED a difficult year rather than looking at specific ways that we THRIVED through it. Perhaps we even grew because of it.

This prompts me to ask you, Dad, these questions:

1. Do you recognize the ways that you have grown this past year? The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth and for your growing relationship with her.

2. Are you ready to lead your daughter to reflect on this past year to see where she’s grown or are you more apt toward wanting to forget what lies behind while reaching forward to what lies ahead?

The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth, and your growing relationship with her.

Just ask the butterfly.

The struggle isn’t the bad part if we choose to look through a lens that sees greater horizons ahead that are only possible due to our larger wingspan. And that larger wingspan has only come because we endured through the process of change.

As a father, I know that you don’t want to see your daughter [or any other women who are daughters] suffer. That stance is reasonable and it shows your deep love for her. Of course your heart hurts when hers is hurting. Yet there is real truth to these words by the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”

Stated another way, here’s how one man described the growth process: “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” (James 1:3-5)

So let’s talk about action steps that you can take as a father to lead your daughter to see where she’s grown in 2020.

I suggest that you take her on a date where you open up a reflective conversation. Share your thoughts on what 2020 has been like for you too so that both of you can grow together.

Here’s how you can help her consider specific ways that her wingspan has increased and strengthened this year by asking her:

1. What was the hardest/worst part of 2020?

2. What was the best part of the past year?

3. What was the biggest surprise (good or bad) that you experienced?

4. Is there anything that you thought would be bad, but ended up being good or not as bad as you thought it would be? (ex: altered school activities or school/work schedule, changed plans, different dynamics with friends, etc.)

5. What is one area where you’ve seen yourself grow the most in the last year?

Then end by saying to her:

“Here’s where I’ve seen you and I each grow from being stretched farther than we thought we could be stretched this year….[give specifics]

I’m so proud of you for persevering and not giving up even when it was hard.

As I look at you, I see an incredible butterfly who has broken through the cocoon and now you’re ready to fly higher with more grace than ever before.”

Recognizing your growth in 2020 is the best preparation for the flight to come in 2021!

He Came, In Pieces: A Guest Blog by Taylor Smith (Copy)

Taylor Smith is a dear friend, a true inspiration, and a gifted communicator. I invited her to write a guest blog today to shed light on what it’s like to navigate life after the death of her father. She reminds us that the legacy we leave behind speaks powerfully even after we’re gone. 
~Michelle

I got a call from you today.

Well, sort of.

“Hi, Taylor. I came across a file of your dads. Looks like it contains some personal things. I thought you might like to have it.”

“What? I mean, yes. Yes. I would like to have it. I would love to have it, actually.”

“Great. I’m glad I was able to track you down, Taylor. I hope all is well.”

CLICK.

Dad, that is so your style,
unannounced,
coming in right outta the middle of nowhere,
all of your 78-inches somehow stuffed into this bulky, white envelope, which my fingers gripped so tight my knuckles turned white.

I wasn’t expecting you to arrive this way.

I mean, I think about you every day, but I didn’t think I’d be sitting on my living room floor, holding onto what I could only assume were
pieces of you,
in some forgotten file folder that was left in a sea of other forgotten file folders somewhere in a closet.

But here it was.
Here you were.
Uninvited and undeniably commanding the center of my attention in a matter of seconds
in a way that no one else could.

When I slid my finger under the envelope’s opening, I was holding my breath.
And I’m pretty sure I still wasn’t breathing when I tipped the envelope down and a red folder slid into my lap.

Open it, Taylor. Come on. Just do it.

But it’s not that easy, you see.
Because it wasn’t just a matter of opening a folder that contained some of my dad’s things –

Opening this folder also meant opening up part of my soul,
the deep, hidden part that craves just one more day,
one more hour
to create a last precious father-daughter memory.
And that’s a really raw place to tear open.
So it’s really not that easy.

But I did it.

The first piece of paper was a letter circa early 2000.
The letterhead stated Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.

It said,
“Dear Arthur, as you know, because of your outstanding contribution to the sport of swimming in the state of Arkansas, you have been inducted into the Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.”

Whoa. Hold up. Dad, this is a BIG DEAL. Why didn’t you tell me about this??

The letter went on to talk about my dad’s swimming career, most of which I already knew, but when it was there, printed on this formal letter, it made my eyes go wide, my heart swell with pride.

Dad, you were the dark horse, the unheard of swimmer who somehow conquered it all. You were nationally ranked, a five-time All American. You were a champion.

You were so much more than a swimmer, Dad, but I am so proud that you didn’t let your inexperience in the swimming world hold you back. You did it. You worked so hard and you made your mark.

So with this mysterious folder, business was off to a good start. But who knew what else was buried in the pile.

Mechanically, I reached for the next thing in the stack- a card “For a Son Who’s Loved So Much.”

It was a “just because” card from my dad’s mom, who I called my nana.

Nana and I weren’t super close. We never really had the opportunity to be, living more than a thousand miles apart. To tell you the truth, I always thought that I would never be able to relate to her – a sophisticated Southern woman and me, a prank-loving, spontaneous-dancing, free-spirit child.

But reading her words allowed me to learn more about my nana –and her relationship to her son, my dad- than I had ever known.

“Words cannot express my love for you – it grows every year, if that is even possible. How I cherish the loving memories of your childhood (rosy red cheeks that looked as good as apples)… You are my Guardian Angel.”

Wow, Dad. You and nana must have been really close. I know I didn’t know her very well, but she really loved you. I’m so glad that you were so loved by your mom – that she thought the world of you. Because you so deserved that, Dad. You really did.

The next few things were business documents that didn’t mean much to me,
but behind those pages were what I had been hoping for, yet not hoping for,
the really personal stuff.

The stack of cards that I was holding in my hands wasn’t just my dad,
it was my mom, too – letters she had written him from their nearly 15 years of marriage.

I tell you, this folder was the most beautiful gift.

I learned a lot about my dad,
about some things that he was too humble to share,
about him as a son and as a husband,
a man who was deeply loved, deeply passionate, and all together, deeply deep.
Yup. That was my dad. One deep dude.

I finished reading the cards and closed the folder, only wishing that there had been just a few more cards, a few more keepsakes or napkin-scribbled notes that could bring more of him back to me.

When you lose someone you love, there are
days when your heart is heavy,
days when you just need a good cry, or scream,
days when you are angry at their not being there,
days when your memories of them bring you this amazing warmth,
days when you shout thanksgiving praise that you even got to know them at all.

Then there are days like this one,
when you receive the blessing of a mysterious file folder, filled with things you never would have asked for -had a genie granted you five wishes- and you find yourself rolling on the floor, laughing, thinking that

I have the best dad ever. Thank you, God. Thank you for this moment, too. I will always remember it. I will always remember you, Dad.

Love, Taylor

Dads: Six Essential Love “Do’s and Don’ts” for Your Daughter (Guest blog by Dr. Meg Meeker)

Dr. Meg Meeker and I have become friends over the years as we share a similar passion for equipping fathers of daughters to dial into their heart space. I believe her words will inspire you to be better dads by hearing her insights into your daughter’s unique needs. ~ Michelle

Men love differently than women. That’s why you scratch your head in confusion when your daughter or wife cries and insists that you don’t understand. They want you to know what they want, like, and need, without ever telling you. You, on the other hand, love deeply but differently.

Attention and Adoration

As you work on your relationship with your daughter, you must remember that different things will make her feel loved than what make you feel loved. 

First, she feels loved when you pay attention to her. When she comes home from a soccer game and you ask if she wants to go have ice cream because you want to hear all about the game, she feels loved. When she goes on a date and comes home at midnight, she feels loved if you are waiting up for her. Sure, you can ask her how her time was, but the mere fact that you cared enough to make sure she got home safely makes her feel deeply loved.

Women, like men, want to feel that someone in their lives adores them. Adoration is the sense that you can do no wrong. Why should you communicate this to your daughter when she, of course, makes mistakes? Because she needs it from you. Because she needs it from you, your daughter has a space in her heart that is designed for you alone. No one else can occupy that spot.

When you express your adoration to her, she realizes that you have a spot in your heart just for her. A father who adores his daughter holds her in high esteem, wants only the best for her, and feels that no one in the world compares with her. She is more beautiful, kinder, and stronger than all women (or girls) her age. Every daughter wants her father to feel this way about her. And she wants her father to express this to her.

Our culture ties girls in knots, and your daughter is no exception. Not matter how hard you try to isolate her from the ugly influences of a world that sexualizes and degrades women, you can’t. And since you are the primary means by which she develops a healthy sense of beauty and sexuality, when it comes to shaping these in her, it’s on your shoulders. When it comes to loving your daughter, remember these important ideas:

1. Do tell her that you love her. Tell her as frequently as feels natural to you. Sometimes you may feel timid, but press through the discomfort. Every daughter need to hear I love you, from her dad.

2. Do express adoration. Let her know that she is the apple of your eye. If you have multiple daughters, tell each one of them at different times.

3. Do believe in her. If the two of you don’t get along well and fight constantly, you can still show her than you believe in her. Examine her character and find what is good in her. Look deeply into her life and find her natural gifts. Then, communicate to her that you are her “number one fan.” Tell her that you know she can succeed. You know that she is smarter than she thinks, wiser than she believes, and far more capable than she realizes. Communicating this is extremely important because most girls, particularly during the teen years, feel terribly inadequate, dumb, and unattractive. You need to really amp up your positive comments during the tough times and help her combat these feelings.

4. Don’t remark on her weight – EVER. No pet names for parts of her body, no calling her “sexy”, and no telling her that she is chubby or that she could stand to lose a few pounds. No matter what you say about her weight, she will her in her mind, My dad thinks I’m fat; therefore I am ugly. Since you can’t win, avoid this. I can’t tell you the number of messes that I’ve been involved in undoing with daughters whose fathers have innocently commented about their weight as they grow up.

5. Don’t remark on her looks very often. I know that this feels counterintuitive. Shouldn’t every girl know that her dad thinks she is beautiful? Of course; but don’t overdo it. You don’t want her to feel like appearance is a priority to you. Remember, when you comment on something, it lets the hearer know that the topic is significant to you (otherwise why would you comment on it?). You want to be sure that your daughter knows that what you really cherish about her is her inner beauty. So talk about that.

6. Don’t spare words of encouragement or affection. Girls use more works, and they bond through words. Girls feel that words connect them with others. So tell you daughter what you admire about her and tell her why. I promise that if you are sincere, your words will change the woman that she becomes.

Dad, I know this is a lot of information to take in, so how about taking one item from this list and then commit to putting it into action this week now that you know what to DO to put your love for your daughter into action!

Pediatrician, mother, and best-selling author of six books, Dr. Meg Meeker is one of the country’s leading authority on parenting, teens, and children’s health. She has written a phenomenal classic that every dad of a daughter must read, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, as well as Hero, which is a powerful affirmation of fatherhood that shows men how being a strong, active father can be their greatest triumph. Copyright ©Dr. Meg Meeker. Used by permission.

Transfer of Power

You can breathe a sigh of relief because I promise you that this isn’t a political post! I’m only using this concept as a reference point to talk about fathering.

Let me ask you a question: What comes to mind when you read the three words in the title of this blog, Transfer of Power?

I’m guessing that your immediate thought ties to a change of position or roles between political leaders or administrative parties. That’s what comes to mind when I hear those words too.

During our recent election season I heard this phrase used repeatedly. And because my mind is always thinking about fathers and daughters, I found myself pondering how a similar dynamic happens (or should be happening) in homes when it comes to preparing kids to launch. Just to clarify, I’m referencing that time when a daughter (or son) officially heads into adulthood around the age of 18. 

There really is a transfer of power, especially when she (or he) steps out from under the parental roof. 

Since this child-to-adult transition is inevitable, the question I pose to you as dads is this:

What steps are you taking to prepare your daughter to be independent, confident, and self-assured as she moves into adulthood?

Here’s one way to build a framework that addresses this question as taught to me by a colleague whose insight was honed from raising two children, as well as hosting 100 foster teenagers. 

“By the age of 18, most kids are making the bulk of their own decisions, so why not let them make 50% of their own decisions by the time they’re nine years old. Then when they’re 14 or 15, let 75% of their decisions be their own. You want to let them succeed and fail while you as the parent are there to help them work through it.”

When I first heard this idea, it seemed ludicrous! Who lets their nine year old make 50% of their own decisions? Yet as I’ve given it more thought, I can see the wisdom in it.

The more your daughter is empowered to think for herself--which includes learning the hard way, making mistakes, falling down and failing, but then getting back up while having parental support---the more empowered she will be to carry herself in a similar way outside your home.   

And what dad doesn’t want his little girl to be strong and assertive, to be one who doesn’t follow the crowd but stands on her own two feet while thinking for herself?

Yet as good as all of that sounds in theory, remember that if you want your daughter to embody those qualities outside your home, she’s going to have to learn how to use those skills inside your home. In other words, your home is her training ground. 

And you, Dad, can support her process of transition into adulthood long before the day of her actual launch while strategically enhancing her level of success just by the way you interact with her every day until then.

And I am still keeping my promise for this not a political post, yet feel compelled to highlight something else that sadly has been the hallmark of this election season. Hasn’t this been the most intense and hostile political atmosphere that you’ve ever witnessed? 

This brings to mind a powerful challenge that a friend of mine, Brooke Perry, created as a grid to lead high school students that she pastors: 

1. Ask questions.

2. Listen well.

3. Disagree freely.

4. Love regardless.

Wouldn’t these four directives have been a game-changer during this election season? 

That said, I wonder how you as a dad might be able to take this grid and apply it to your relationship with your daughter as she matures and prepares to leave your home. Maybe this could even serve as a guide if she’s making choices that don’t have your highest approval rating. 

I know you want your daughter to succeed. You want to save her from heartache and regret. That’s why you sometimes want to step in and take over. I understand that. But that’s when it may be time to take to heart the words of Robert F. Kennedy, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” It seems to be part of the process for us all, doesn’t it?

So, what can you do to create a peaceful transfer of power with your daughter?

1. Be the safe place where she can land when she falls.

2. Make sure not to shame her in her process of learning.

3. Reflect back on your bumpy road to maturity.

4. When you think you can’t be any more patient, dig even deeper.

5. Pray for God to give you grace to stay calm while guiding her.

6. Remove harshness and anger from your communication style [a.k.a. soften your tone].

7. Know that she won’t always do things your way and that’s okay.

8. Remember that she’ll be more open to your opinion if she asks for it.

9. Listen twice as much as you talk.

10. Daily communicate love for who she is regardless of what she does or doesn’t do.

11. Always wrap your criticism or correction in positive affirmation on the front and back end of the conversation.

12. Remind her regularly that her uniqueness will leave a mark on the world as she steps out and uses her gifts to impact others for good.

Dad, I know that your heart will ache as your daughter leaves the nest, but as you prepare her for the future, rest assured that the transfer of power from you to her will be stronger, healthier, and more peaceful if she has your support. She wants you to be proud of her, to trust her, and to give her grace, especially if she doesn’t always get it right on the first try.

Let your daughter know today that you are cheering her on as she steps forward into the next season of her life!

The Scary Side of Fathering a Daughter

Since tomorrow is Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do a little play on words as I write my Dad-Daughter Friday blog this week!

I’ve interacted with a lot of dads over the past six years, hearing stories not only about their love of being a father to a daughter, but also about their legitimate  ambivalence over the enormity of the task. Here’s my synthesis of those conversations, which I’m simply calling “the SCARY side of fathering a daughter.”  

This emotional reality for dads take place when:

• She requires more of your words, time, money, and energy than you had expected or realized when she was in the womb.

• Her moods change faster than you change your socks and you literally cannot always keep up or figure her out. 

• She asks you the hard questions that aren’t just about why the sky is blue and the world is round, but instead wants to know about your past and mistakes you’ve made because she wants to know the truth about who you really are.

• You wake up one day and realize she’s not a little girl anymore and now “that boy” seems to have taken up residence in her heart space, in the exact same place that used to have a “No Boys Allowed” sign on the door.

• You blew it and got angry and have the renewed awareness that you have the power to damage your precious flower in one fell swoop if you’re not careful.

• You fear the outcome as you tentatively walk into her room, all the while feeling the cold prickly chill in the air and noticing that her emotional walls are up, yet you go in anyway as you seek to break through the wall.

• You face the fact that the older she gets you really have little to no control over what she does when she’s outside your house because now it’s time for her to make her own choices (ones that may not line up with “the way you raised her”).

• You realize you are a physical representation on earth of her Father in heaven and are keenly aware that this assignment is way over your head.

Dad, do any of these things bring up fear inside your soul? I imagine they do. I realize there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to take care of the intense realities that you face as a father.

But at the same time, I believe that the little things you do can yield big dividends. 

I’d like to suggest a five-step path to support your heart goal of being a dialed-in dad even with the FRIGHTENING and CONFUSING dynamics that may rise inside you. When the task at hand requires more than you sometimes believe you can master here are a few things to keep in mind. 

I’ll use your five senses for easy recall on how to press in order to pursue your daughter’s heart: 

1.See…

Make eye contact with her every day. And because they say that “eyes are the window to the soul,” you’ll be able to tell how she’s really doing if you get close enough to look into her baby blues (or browns or greens). In an often hostile world, your eyes of love will go a long way toward making her believe she’ll make it because she’ll see her reflection of worth and value in the mirror of your eyes.

2.Hear…

Active listening means leaning forward, nodding your head, setting down your remote and cell phone while paying attention to what she’s saying (long as it may be). If you repeat back the words she says it will help you stay engaged rather than zoning out or inactively listening, especially if you’re tired after a long day or are honestly disinterested in the drama encircling her life. Remember that her world is centered around relationships and when you listen with patience and kindness, it lets her know she matters to you.

3.Smell…

Did you know that our sense of smell syncs with the part of our brain that is tied to learning and emotion? Because we link scents to events, you can help create a bonding, soothing, positive memory experience for your daughter (particularly if she’s in “one of her moods”) by enhancing the aromatic space around her. Practical Idea: Buy her a candle or perfume of her favorite scent to use as aromatherapy when she’s stressed. [Calm daughter = calm dad. Better said: Compassionate, patient, steady dad = calm daughter.]

4.Taste…

It’s hard to be upset when enjoying a fun tasty treat that I like to call a “happy flavor.” (If you’ve ever tried Passion Tea Lemonade at Starbucks, you’ll know what I mean). As a way to stay current with your ever-growing daughter, find out what her favorite tastes are and then find a way connect via that food or drink. You could even surprise her by bringing her that favorite food to brighten her day. (A current Abba Project Dad just drove to his 17-year daughter’s school during lunch to bring her a favorite meal. She told me that she can’t stop talking about it! I say, “Way to go dad in creating a forever memory for your daughter!”)

5.Touch…

If safe touch calms babies, how can it not be what we still need as we age? Find a way to make physical contact with your daughter every day. Embrace her with a hug. Kiss her cheek. Squeeze her hand. Give her a high five. Wrestle with her. (An Abba Project Dad said that he stopped wrestling with his 18-year old daughter as she “developed physically” around the age of 13, but when they started wrestling again while he was in the group, he beamed as he described the positive relational benefits they were experiencing due to more healthy physical contact.)

Whatever age and stage your daughter is in can be the perfect time to let your five senses lead the way to actively communicating love to your girl.

Let today be the day you take action so that the SCARY side to fathering loses its grip. By proactively moving beyond your fear you will be going the extra mile to prove to yourself and to your daughter that real dads don’t back off when they’re SCARED!

Three Little Words That Will Change Your Daughter's Life (and they're not "I love you")

My dad, like every dad, has things he’s done right and things he’s done wrong when it comes to parenting.

There are things he’s proud of (especially the things that were 180 degrees different from what his dad modeled to him) and things he’d rather forget. 

But from my vantage point as a daughter there is one thing in particular that my dad did right, one thing that stands out among the rest, one thing that has touched my heart deeply and has gone a long way to remedy the mistakes, blunders, and the wishes for do-overs. 

It’s a little three-word response that my dad has said so many times over the years that I’ve lost count by now. They are simply:

“Anything for you.”

I wish I could play you a sound byte so you could hear his tone of voice when saying these words, but I assure you that they’re always said in a really kind way.  I don’t know how he’s pulled it off for decades now, but this is truly where he’s gotten it right time and again.

These words are grace. 
These words are mercy. 
These words are generous.
These words are unmerited favor.
These words are good for my heart. Really good. The hot-fudge-with-whipped-cream-and-sprinkles kind of good.

I can’t explain how three little words can change everything, but they do.

I’m guessing there are times my dad truly hasn’t wanted to step up to the plate and give of himself to meet my needs, but he doesn’t let me know that part. He just says these three magic words and gives them as a gift to me. 

And because my “emergencies” and his schedule don’t always line up, this is definitely a priority thing on his part. Whether it was my broken down car on the side of the road, my water heater that went out at 9 pm. and meant he had to drive over late at night when he’d rather be winding down, or the times he’s insisted on mowing my lawn despite his hip causing him pain and being in need of surgery. He has cared about the things, little and big, that matter to me.

You may not know this but my dad literally lacked a role model in the fathering department. His dad was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when he was only seven or eight years old. Suffice it to say, being a father was the last thing my dad had a clue about, especially being the father to four girls! But somehow he learned (and was willing to learn) from watching other dads, which proves that any dad can turn things around in his generation regardless of the template he’s been given.

Truth be told, sometimes life has a way of communicating and reinforcing a message to us women telling us that we ask too much. For me personally (when this view is in the forefront), I wind up believing that I need to prove that I’m tough and can navigate things on my own without asking anyone for help, let alone my dad.

But this really isn’t healthy. Or good. Or realistic.

It’s a paradigm that spells disaster because we’re created to need connection and relationship. Simon and Garfunkel understood this concept in spades as they captured the heartache of someone who is closed off from love in their 1965 hit song I am a Rock:

"I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." 

Bottom line:
1. Relationships dispel isolation.
2. It doesn’t work to be self-sufficient where we pretend to be without needs.

Dad, you have the power and the privilege to meet your daughter’s needs, whether or not they seem legitimate or of high priority to you. Listen to what she says and then offer to come alongside and offer your help.

Why not take the step today and add this life-changing vocal triad to your dad-daughter repertoire. 

You’ll get to watch the core of your daughter’s soul take flight as she hears you respond to her convenient and inconvenient requests with these three little yet BIG words:

“Anything for you.”

How to Help Your Daughter Find Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland. But then again, maybe you have! 

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

At first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, Dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, a teenage Alice Kingsleigh, who inadvertently tumbles down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards (all references to adolescent stages of maturity are merely coincidental!). Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is supported by the quirky Mad Hatter (played by Johnny Depp) who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.” 

Then he hits a home run insult by adding, “you’ve lost your “muchness.”

When I first heard that line, it wrapped itself instantly around my core, even as an adult. I actually started crying as those words reverberated inside me as if in full range stereo. There was something about them that immediately struck a cord in me as a woman. I too wondered if I had lost my muchness somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away.

 For me, just like for Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been a positive word. The first memory I have stored in the invisible file cabinet inside my brain is tucked in a folder with the word “much” on it.

The entry has to do with four powerful words that were stated year after year by my elementary teachers on my report cards:  

“ Michelle talks too much.”

(cue visual memories of standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself!)

Digging further into my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “much” folder is that of the innumerable comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me his version of what he thought was “too much” about me. According to him I apparently used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, laughed too much, weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long!). 

Basically it was the same theme (as in childhood), different day.

Here’s where I can relate to Alice: Somewhere along the way I began to doubt that I was enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough. As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies, a guy who seemed to ally with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me. 

Alice, at the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. As she steps forward, sword in hand, she shouts her heroic battle cry and declares, “lost my muchness, have I?”

Though afraid, she boldly faces her fear as she fights and then slays the dreaded Jabberwochy. She uncovers a newfound courage by going through the battle to discover her destiny, which ends the Red Queen’s evil reign of terror. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

But the deeper truth is that she faced her own dragon and in the process, found herself.

• Has your daughter discovered and found her muchness? (that part of her that is passionate and scared… all at the same time; that part of her that wears you out sometimes, but is tied to her calling and gifting and makes her uniquely spectacular)

• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by taking steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?

• Is there a battle she needs to face that holds the key to her embracing her muchness?

Dad, foster your daughter’s muchness. Or if she’s lost it, help her find it again.

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible. 

• Tell her that she has to face her fears in order to be fierce. 

• Let her know that you will support her in any way you can (financially by funding her passions, physically with your presence, spiritually through prayer, and emotionally by listening to what she learns along the way even when interspersed with emotional upheavals) while expressing that there’s no where you’d rather be than in her cheering section because you know she has it in her to be and do more than she believes is possible. Even if she’s afraid.

Your daughter needs you to believe in her, especially when she’s unsure about how to fully believe in herself. 

And always remember that her muchness will change the world.