Dad: It's Not About Being Perfect, it's About Being Present

I read a story a couple of years ago that has stayed with me ever since.

Some stories have a powerful way of doing that, especially when they go straight to the heart. Today I shared this story with a dad who unexpectedly found himself tearing up while hearing it. Because of his response, I figured that was all the nudge I needed to now tell it to you.

A few years ago a pastor named George Brantley spoke on the topic of fathering to a student body of 1,100 at a Christian college in Texas. After spending two days with them he ended by offering a “safe hug” to anyone who needed one

It was said that “what happened next was both tragic and astounding.”

One by one, hundreds of young men and women made their way to the front of the auditorium while many stood in line for over three hours, all to experience a “safe hug” from this man. Apparently there were so many who sobbed on George’s shoulders that it literally ruined his jacket and shirt.

Think of the power of that exchange and what this story signifies. There was such a powerful longing for the strong arms of a safe man to wrap around them that they waited for minutes and even hours just to receive this small deposit into their emotional bank account.

In a matter of only two days this father figure so impacted these college students that they found themselves drawn to his authentic love and gift of safe touch. This was a father who showed up and was present, even with kids who weren’t his own.

All he did was offer to put his arms around them in a gesture that affirmed and communicated love. The result? They lined up and waited their turn. For hours. All for a hug.

This story reminds me of my friend Paul Young. Some would say that his hugs heal. I count myself among them and can affirm that his hugs have definitely been healing for me.

Safe hugs have a way of doing that, even without verbiage. They touch the depths of who we are and warmly say that it’s going to be okay and more importantly, that you’re worth loving.

That is the epitome of what being present looks and feels like.

Dad, your daughter needs your physical, loving arms around her. Daily.

And if my words aren’t enough to underscore this truth, listen to a couple of responses I heard when I posted these words on social media: “Dad, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present.”

Elaina wrote, “I can’t click ‘like’ enough times!”

Bonnie wrote, “This needs to be shared OVER AND OVER.”

Dad, your daughter doesn’t need you to be perfect. She just needs you to be present.  And this is the kind of “present” where you show up in physical form with hugs ready. No words required.

Ready. Set. Hug!

Dadvice: How to LISTEN While Your Daughter TALKS

Dad…

I’ve been writing blogs and books for you since 2014. I do this because I stand as an ally with you as a father to your daughter. Stated otherwise, I am invested in you!

When you share personal stories with me (especially those that involve more talking with your girls!), I give you my heartfelt commendation and enthusiastic applause for the entering into the journey of intentionally pursuing your daughter’s heart.

And as you’ve heard me say repeatedly, when we as girls and women know we are loved by our dads, we have:

• greater confidence

• stronger inner fortitude

• higher self esteem

• deeper compassion

• and increased empathy

These factors enable us to give out more from a relationship bucket that is filled, due in large part to the consistent deposits that you, dad, have made into our lives.

And in case you don’t hear it enough, I want you to know that you are the most important man in your daughter’s life because you’re the first man who loved her. So it’s up to you to never give up on loving her in the ways that she needs and deserves.

If you’re like many of the men I’ve had the privilege of interacting with over the years, you’re well aware that you need a refined skill set to talk consistently and deeply with your daughter in meaningful ways that make her feel heard.

As a way to build and strengthen your skill set, I’ve created an acrostic that underscores the required components to keep the conversation moving forward with your daughter. So if you ever get lost along the way with her myriads of words (or her non-verbal expressions that do communicate, just without words), remember these four letters: “T-A-L-K.”

By doing these four things, I guarantee that you’ll stay headed in the right direction while staying close to your daughter throughout her entire life:

Time – Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Affection – Because healthy, safe touch from dad leads to greater self esteem in daughters.

Listen – Because when you listen, you give her the message that she is worth listening to, she has value, and she matters to you.

Kindness – Because wrapping all that you do with this quality will keep her heart open to you and to the world around her.

So if you ever find yourself floundering a bit in your relationship with your daughter, perhaps even a bit confused about which way to turn, I trust that these two words will come to mind as you invite her to open up her heart and life to you while you simply say, “Let’s talk!”

How to Talk With Your Daughter About Same-Sex Attraction and Questioning Her Sexuality

One of the things I’ve come to appreciate about men over the past twelve years of leading dads of daughters in The Abba Project and interacting with men at conferences is this:

Y'all shoot straight and you want clear answers to your direct questions!

Case in point. Here is an email I just received from a dad who I’ll name Scott. He’s given me permission to share this:

“My 13-year old daughter has made huge progress this year and we are proud of her accomplishments, but also are concerned that she now is questioning whether she’s attracted to boys or girls. While I enjoy and have attempted to implement many things you post, I find nothing in your library about guiding children who are questioning their sexuality. I’m curious why this is avoided?”

Great question! Here was my response:

"Thanks so much for reaching out and I appreciate you addressing this topic of sexuality as it comes to this current generation. You’re so right that this is a huge issue these days. I don’t know if you have my most recent book, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters,” but I have one of the 60 topics on the issue of same sex attraction where dads can lead their daughters to open up about this topic.

I haven’t addressed it in my blogs and some of that is because I’ve been focused on other things. I honestly wasn’t intending to avoid it. Simultaneously, because gender is such a “land mine issue” right now, I’m cautious about addressing it from a strong personal position.

My goal, as you know, is to help dads lead their daughters in conversations without telling dads where to land on the issue. And with that said, you’re right that this would be a great blog topic. Now that you brought it up, I definitely will move it to the top of my list. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.”

To illustrate the cultural magnitude of this topic right now, if you type into your search engine the words, “how to talk with your child about gender,” you will see that there are about 596,000 items to peruse on the subject! To complicate matters further, you can read about:

• sex at birth

• gender expression

• gender identity

• gender stereotypes

• gender-nonconforming

• transgender

• gender assignment

• gender reassignment

• gender diversity

• sexual orientation, and on it goes

Most fathers have no idea where to start in navigating these issues, let alone speak into their daughter’s life about them. But as Scott noted in his email, we can’t avoid this topic anymore.

I’ll be honest. I do have opinions, convictions, and beliefs on this issue. Yet, as I told Scott, my goal isn’t to tell you what I believe. Instead, my goal is to encourage you to enter into this conversation with your daughter so you can hear from her and she can hear from you.

Here are my recommendations for your conversation with your daughter on sexuality:

1. Remember this is a two-way interaction (Goal: talk and listen)

2. Don’t talk at her; talk with her (Goal: listen, not lecture)

3. Model mutual respect (Goal: dialogue, don’t dominate)

4. Begin with asking questions (my template will get you started) (Goal: be curious, not critical)

5. End by sharing your thoughts/beliefs/convictions with her (Goal: honesty with humility)

In keeping with my commitment to equip and empower you as dads to lead your daughters, I’ll attach questions below for you to use that I’ve adapted from my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. These questions will equip you to begin a dialogue about sexuality and potential same sex attraction with your daughter.

And I’d love to hear from you, so feel free to write me at thedadwhisperer@gmail.com and let me know how it goes. So let the conversation begin!

How to Talk with Your Daughter About Same-Sex Attraction and Questioning Her Sexuality.pdf

Sugar and Spice: The Secret to Fathering Two Very Different Kinds of Daughters

I had the most delightfully random encounter this past weekend. I met a woman whose vim and vigor were contagious and our interaction ended up inspiring me to look at relationships through a different lens.

Here’s the story. I was sitting at a table outside a grocery store in Central Oregon, soaking up the most delightful sunshine, when the smell of barbecue began to waft my way. Before I knew it I was in conversation with a local culinary expert who clearly expressed her enjoyment of awakening the palates of regulars and strangers alike.

Soon I discovered that Kelly (a.k.a. the “BBQ Queen” as her name tag aptly stated) has been barbecuing at this one place for 19 years! I can confidently say that I have never in my life met anyone who has been so passionately invested in and excited about barbecue…EVER. All I can say is that her enthusiasm definitely rubbed off on me!

That’s all it took for her to open up and divulge some of her tasty secrets. “The way to get the best barbecue is to have equal parts of brown sugar and vinegar. Most people get it wrong with too much of one or too much of the other. It’s got to be 50% sweet and 50% tangy. That’s all there is to it!”

And with that, she was off.

Silly as it may sound, I have been chewing on her words all week. But my thoughts haven’t been about spare ribs or tri-tip. They’ve been about fathers and daughters.

I wonder if the same principle for good barbecue could apply to personality types in girls.
I don’t quite know how it all breaks down, but I tend to think there’s an even 50-50 split between the “sweet” ones and the “tangy” ones.

Both are necessary to make our world function and thrive, and neither is better than the other. Just different. Complimentary opposites, I guess you could say.

This leads me to ask the question: Do fathers validate their “sweet” daughters as much as their “tangy” ones?

As a “tangy” daughter, I can tell you that I often wished I was sweeter and gentler, more mellow and less reactive, more go-with-the-flow and relaxed. But the reality is that I popped out like this. Lots of zest and panache (which is a fancy way of saying that I’m dramatic with lots of opinions)! Sometimes it’s been a good thing and sometimes it’s been a bit much…both for me and for my dad.

All of this pondering about girls and individual temperaments brings to mind a nursery rhyme I heard a lot growing up in the 60’s:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,
that’s what little girls are made of.
Snips and snails and puppy dog tales,
that’s what little boys are made of.

Though at the time this little jingle seemed cute and harmless, I realize now that it subtly planted seeds about what it meant to be a “nice little girl.” Add in the fact that positive responses from the general public seem to cater more to the “sugary” types than to those with a bit more “spice,” and I can say that it left me often not knowing how to understand myself, let alone like myself.

So if we use the barbecue theory as a working template on fathering daughters, it means that 50% of you are raising “sweet” girls while the other 50% are rearing “tangy” ones. And because your daughters see themselves in the reflection of you as their mirror, it is vitally important that you let each of them know that both sugar and spice are what balances out life and makes the world go round.

Dad, your daughter will believe what you tell her about herself (and what you imply without words). If you have a “sweet” daughter, you most likely find her easy to lead, and enjoy her delightful qualities. That’s all well and good. It’s beautiful and wonderful.

But especially for those of you who father a more “spicy” daughter, make sure to validate and encourage her uniqueness, one with zip and pizzazz, letting her know that she truly does distinctively enhance the atmosphere around her (even if at times she pushes every button in you and may be a lot to understand).

Let your daughter know that there are famous complimentary opposites everywhere you look. Help her understand that both have a place in the universe and both have equal value:

salt and pepper
sun and moon
fear and courage
cookies and milk

Dad, why not use all of this data as inspiration to intentionally speak positive, affirming words into your “sweet” and your “tangy” daughters today.

Let each of them know that her unique combination of savory flavors enhances your life in ways that make her one-of-a-kind mixture “taste” just the you love. Text her right now and tell her. I guarantee it’ll be the best message she hears all day!

Dad, Lead Your Daughter to LAUGH

I can’t believe that this week marks the first birthday of my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters…Whoo hoo!

As a fun way to celebrate this milestone, I want to highlight the first section of the book that starts with an important aspect of father leadership, and one that I believe we can all benefit from right now: MORE LAUGHTER!

Did you know that neuroscientists confirm the importance of laughing together, claiming that our brains release chemicals when we laugh in ways that strengthen long-term relationships and reinforce social bonding? Isn’t that amazing that God wired our brains to automatically release oxytocin to offset the stress hormone of cortisol simply by activating some merriment!

Listen to what authors Berezin and Liss had to say in their recent article, The Neuroscience of Laughter, and How to Inspire More of It at Work:

“Laughing swaps the cortisol in our bloodstream with highly sought after chemicals in the brain: dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins. Dopamine can enhance learning, motivation, and attention. And when Oxytocin, the “bonding chemical,” enters the bloodstream it creates feelings of relatedness while endorphins trigger feelings of pleasure by improving immune functioning, stress relief, improved cardiovascular health, reduced anxiety, sense of safety, and improved mood.”

How’s that for an incredible list of positive relational and health impacts as a result of connecting to humor with a bit of glee!

And if, by chance, you’re currently experiencing relational challenges with your daughter, rest assured that finding ways to express joy and activate shared laughter can help to soften any tension between you.So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

Here are some practical, light-hearted, fun, and funny questions to ask your daughter to not only lighten and brighten her day…but yours too!

Dad, ask your daughter:

1. What about me makes you laugh?

2. What item of my clothing would you love to see me get rid of

3. Do you ever think about your wedding day? If so, what do you imagine? If not, why not?

4. What are three outrageous things you wish you had the nerve to do?

5. If you could be any animal, which one would you say is most like you and why?

These questions are in Let’s Talk, and as a gift to you today for reading and sharing my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs, here’s a link to my e-book, which are the first three chapters: Let's Talk eBook.

Or you can buy the full version here on Amazon.

Enjoy…and happy laughing!