26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from A to M [Part 1]

As you read the title of my blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for almost 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?!

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

My goal today is to inform you about your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in your daughter’s mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, which research states is something you can contribute to…or contaminate.

As you know, in relationships we either make deposits or withdrawals into the “bank accounts” of those in our relational sphere. And your deposits and withdrawals have a HUGE impact on your daughter’s mental and emotional health. So if you want to keep your daughter out of therapy, you’ll need to make MORE DEPOSITS AND LESS WITHDRAWALS.

This isn’t saying you need to be perfect. Quite the contrary. This is about doing REPAIR after there’s been RUPTURE. And I have more good news. Your daughter will be healthier, stronger and more resilient as you consistently and intentionally invest in her with repetitions that confirm she can rely on you. All of this is essentially the definition of secure attachment.

The more your daughter is secure in experiencing you as supportive and loving, the more she will internalize your strength, love, and validation. And that security will build an internal positive base in her to last a lifetime.

This is how she’ll experience LESS depression, anxiety, body dissatisfaction, eating disorders, and unhealthy relationships.…and MORE confidence, academic and career success, and resilience, etc.

To make this list of 26 proactive strategies easier to remember, here’s my list from A to Z (which seems fitting since it’s back-to-school time, don’t you think?!). Today I’ll share the first 13, and in two weeks I’ll give you the final 13. This gives you two weeks to put these first 13 into action!

Admit when you’re wrong. This is a great starting point as a GirlDad. “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you in due time.” (I Peter 5:6) Enough said!

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. Every positive word you say and every positive thing you do is an installment in the foundation of your daughter’s identity.

Criticize never. You can correct her and address issues that need input or course correction, but never do it in a condescending or critical way that diminishes who she is. Make sure you never engage in name calling, belittling, shaming or condemning her. Address the behavior, not her identity.

Drop your anger. Your anger will do more to discourage and destroy your daughter than anything else. So make a proactive decision today to never respond in anger. Instead, walk away and then come back once you’ve cooled down. I appreciate what one dad recently told me, “I’ve always tried to control my anger, but it hasn’t worked. I’m now finally getting it and I’m hearing you. I need to make a decision to drop my anger, not just try to control it.”

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. Be an example, remembering that your actions speaker louder than your words. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what it was like at her age so set your expectations realistically according to her stage of development, personality, birth order, wiring, gifts, and limitations.

Forgive easily and quickly. Model to your daughter what it looks like to be human as you’re willing to forgive after you’ve been hurt or disrespected, without retaliation. This is especially important if there’s been divorce. After naming the injury, choose to let go of the hurt. God forgave you so you can forgive her…and others.

Guidance. If you’re going to give input to your daughter, you have to get close enough to her heart for her to trust what you say. Remember the 5:1 Love Bank principle where you want to make 5 relational deposits to 1 withdrawal, which results in a higher likelihood that your daughter will listen to and follow your input.

Hug her often. Safe and respectful physical touch from a dad to his daughter is internalized in a way that lets her know you value and love her.

Initiate regular dates with her. This is intentional time where you pursue her heart by spending one-on-one time just with her. Tell her what you enjoy about her and ensure that she knows how much you treasure her.

Jesus. When Jesus met people at the point of their need, he led with love, truth, and grace. Hard as that may be to follow His lead, you can rest in knowing He’s walking with you. He said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (John 15:5). So it makes your job easier when you let Jesus give your daughter something through you that you can’t give in your own strength. This is when the supernatural supersedes the natural.

Knowledge. Be curious and interested in knowing about your daughter’s world…her friends, classes, favorite music, food preferences, jobs, dreams, struggles, hopes, faith, family relationships, interests, hobbies, etc. Make a commitment to learn more about her world by paying more attention to the little things, meeting her friends, asking questions, etc.

Listen more. The best way to know your daughter is to ask great questions, followed with intentional listening without interrupting. This is hard work because it means you have to slow down without formulating an immediate response. It’s the whole “two-ears-one-mouth” principle where you listen twice as much as you talk. I guarantee she’ll feel your love and will open up more if you practice honing your listening skills.

Momentum. This is about consistency and rhythms through the up’s and down’s of life. It’s about not letting relational setbacks deter your focus on the goal of contending for health and wholeness in your relationship. This is about looking at the big picture by faith, without being discouraged when one decision or action or interaction seems like it’s moving in the opposite direction.

So there it is…the first 13 ways [of 26] to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

The truth is that I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you!

[If you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link: “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy."

A Back-to-School Power Prayer for your Daughter

As your daughter begins this new school year, you’re aware that there are influences around her all day, every day. As her father, you will see potential pitfalls and speed bumps that may impact her in the ways she navigates her schedule, friends, grades, activities, sports, and on it goes.

I truly believe the best way to put your love into action is through the power of prayer.

I just finished reading a great book by Mark Batterson titled, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day and I was profoundly convicted and inspired when reading these words

“There are only two ways to live your life: survival mode or prayer mode. Survival mode is simply reacting to the circumstances around you…Prayer mode is the exact opposite. Your spiritual antenna is up and your radar is on…If you want to see and seize God-ordained opportunities, you’ve got to live in prayer mode.”

So Dad, as you talk to your Heavenly Father about your daughter, you’re aligning your heart with His heart for your girl.

Imagine if you were to pray the same prayer for her every day over the next nine months.

THIS, my friend, is one way you can live out the truth of James 5:16…

The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power.

Did you catch two key words here? HEARTFELT and PERSISTENT.

We already know your heart is turned towards your daughter or you wouldn’t be reading this blog. Now for the persistent part. This means being tenacious, determined, stubborn and tireless.

If you’re ready to put your heart into action with powerful prayers for your daughter, I encourage you to write out your prayers and commit to speaking them out to the Father daily.

Here are five incredible Scriptures you can pray for her protection and growth throughout this school year. You can even let her know you’re praying these specific truths for her!

1. May the Lord bless you and keep you; May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you His peace.
   (Numbers 6:24-26)
   

2. I pray that out of his glorious riches the Father may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.
   (Ephesians 3:16)
   

3. God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.
   (2 Timothy 1:7)
   

4. I can’t stop thanking God for you. Every time I pray, I give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask Jesus to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you
    to do and grasp the immensity of this better way of life.
   (Ephesians 1:18-19)
   

5. Put on the full armor of God…Stand firm with the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, and the shoes of peace. Take up the shield of faith and put on the helmet of salvation while holding the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
   (Ephesians 6:13-17)

Dad, the time is now to provide spiritual covering for your daughter like never before. As you believe God to strengthen her during this next school year, both of you will celebrate the answers to your powerful prayers when you look back at the end of the year.

And this is your opportunity to put your faith into action as a man who is tenacious, determined, stubborn and tireless. Go Dad!

Why Your Teenage Daughter Needs Your CALM, Not Control

Let’s face it: Raising a teenage daughter can feel like a mix of emotional landmines and missed curfews—with a side of “Who even are you right now?”

As Girldads, we want the best for our daughters.
But as they pull away and start to run their own lives, it’s easy to default to frustration, authority, or even ultimatums.

And that’s exactly why self-control becomes one of our greatest tools—not for changing them, but for leading them.

One Dad’s Story: From Ultimatum to Humility

A father and mother were exhausted by their teen daughter’s behavior—disrespectful, irresponsible, and heading toward serious consequences.

They planned a sit-down. Tough love was the only option.
Dad even started writing a list: Here’s what needs to change—or you’ll need to move out.

It was heartbreaking. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if she left.

Then he flipped the page over.

And he wrote his list.
Things he needed to change.
Habits. Tone. Presence. Priorities.

And when his daughter came home, he didn’t lead with anger.
He led with honesty. With humility. With self-control.
That conversation didn’t explode—it connected.
Because his posture invited her heart to open.

Why Self-Control Matters More Than EveR

Here’s the hard truth:
You can’t control your daughter.
Not really. Not anymore.

But you can influence her. And that influence starts with how you respond when everything in you wants to react.

Self-control is what builds bridges instead of walls.
It’s what transforms battles into conversations.
It’s what earns trust instead of fear.

What Self-Control Looks Like as a Dad

• Holding your tongue when sarcasm is itching to speak.

• Walking away when you need to cool down.

• Pausing before punishment to pray and reflect.

• Admitting when you’re wrong—even when it’s uncomfortable.

• Choosing conversation over command.

These actions say:

“I’m still in your corner—even when things are hard.”

If you stay the course in CALMing yourself, these four attributes will become the hallmark of your father-daughter relationship:

Closeness

Attachment

Listening

Modeling

A Simple Exercise That Can Change Everything

Try this:

1. Write down everything you wish would change about your daughter’s behavior.

2. Flip the page.

3. Now write what you could change to support her growth.

You might be surprised—maybe even convicted.
But this kind of reflection creates a foundation for healing, respect, and real maturity.

From Control to Connection

Teenagers are in a tug-of-war between dependence and independence.
They’re asking:

• Am I safe?

• Do you respect me?

• Are you going to explode—or walk with me through this?

When you choose self-control, you answer those questions with stability and strength.
And you earn the right to walk alongside her in her journey to adulthood.

Ken Canfield PhD, is a nationally-known leader and scholar, and has committed his life to strengthening fathers and families. He founded and is president of the National Center for Fathering (www.fathers.com), as well as the National Association for Grandparenting (www.grandkidsmatter.org), and continues to engage in several organizations dedicated to improving family well-being.

Dad-Daughter Friday Blog | Affirming Your Daughter from A to Z

Hey Dad…

Let’s talk today about a straight-forward-get-to-the-point way to bless the socks off your daughter by using the alphabet as your writing guide. This is an entertaining way to tell your daughter what you love about her from A to Z.

All you’ll do is use each letter of the alphabet as your prompt to tell her the qualities you Appreciate, Admire, and Adore about her…all the way to telling her the Zillion things you love and enjoy about her.

And even if you’ve done this in the past, trust me when I say she’ll never tire of being affirmed by you and I’m guessing she needs to hear your words again today. 

I’ll get you started...“Honey, in my eyes you are Adorable/Adventurous, Beautiful/Brave, Clever/Creative, Daring/Diligent, Extraordinary/Enthusiastic...”

A. _______________________________________________

B. _______________________________________________

C. _______________________________________________

D. _______________________________________________

E. _______________________________________________

F. _______________________________________________

G. _______________________________________________

H. _______________________________________________

I. _______________________________________________

J. _______________________________________________

K. _______________________________________________

L. _______________________________________________

M. _______________________________________________

N. _______________________________________________

O. _______________________________________________

P. _______________________________________________

Q. _______________________________________________

R. _______________________________________________

S. _______________________________________________

T. _______________________________________________

U. _______________________________________________

V. _______________________________________________

W. _______________________________________________

X. _______________________________________________

Y. _______________________________________________

Z. _______________________________________________

For a double benefit from this exercise, take what you’ve written and read it to her on your dad-daughter date. Then she can keep what you’ve written, adding strength to the words you share. And if she lives a distance away where you can’t connect in person, mail her your words so she has something in her mailbox to stand out from technology in real time.

In doing this, it’s as easy as can be to increase your fathering literacy…from A to Z! 

10 Do's for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

In my last blog you learned 10 things NOT to do (I called them “DON’T’s”) when it comes to leading the way in resolving conflicts with your daughter. And today is Part 2 with 10 things to DO to bring peace to your daughter during stressful times. 

These conflict resolution skills are designed to help YOU stay grounded to lead your daughter to a positive resolution with you at the helm.

You notice I’m using the word LEAD more than once. This is because it’s up to YOU to take the initiative to model healthy responses to your daughter. I know it’s easier said than done, but because your little apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, the better able you are to stay regulated and calm, the better able she’ll be to follow your lead and regulate herself.

Before I share the DO’s list for solid conflict resolution, let’s review the DON’T’s of things to avoid as you help your daughter resolve conflicts in a positive way with you, her siblings and friends. (At the end of this blog, I’m attaching a pdf you can copy off and put it in a prominent place as a reminder of these 20 truths). 

10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1. DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling.

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation.

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you.

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example.

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right.

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask.

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting.

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels.

9. DON’T go it alone.

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity.

Whew….you made it through the list of DON’T’s! Well done. Now take a breath and soak in the positive things you can do to help turn things in a better direction when the intensity increases…in you and your daughter.

10 DO's to Lead Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict:

1. DO treat her the way you want to be treated. (If you want her to respect you and/or her mom, your home/rules, etc., make sure you’re modeling what respect looks like in action).

2. DO lead by example. (You’re a leader, whether you know it or not. Your daughter will follow your lead by watching how you respond to her and those around you).

3. DO stay calm and filter every word that comes out of your mouth. (Do this just like you do when you’re at your best, in a public place, or on the job while being mindful that your responses are being watched and they matter. This requires self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit so He will help you if you ask).

4. DO take a “time out” when you’re triggered that matches your age. (For example, if you’re 35 years old, take 35 minutes to walk away from the situation so your brain can calm itself. Then come back and continue the interaction. You’ll never regret waiting to address something later…guarantee it!)

5. DO be the first to admit wrong and ask forgiveness for your part in the conflict. (When you own your stuff, take responsibility, and make amends, she will respond positively to your vulnerability and humility).

6. DO try texting or writing a note to express yourself. (This will allow her to hear your words without being triggered or overwhelmed by the intensity of your words, tone, and body language).

7. DO ask your daughter’s mom or other adult females to help you decode your daughter and better understand her point of view. (Be open to input from others to expand your awareness beyond what you know or have experienced).

8. DO get close enough to see her eyes during the conflict and seek to validate the place inside where she is hurting. (Eyes are the window to the soul and when you see her hurt, you’ll be better able to reach her heart).

9. DO listen more than talk as you seek to grasp what she’s saying and hear where she needs you to understand. (Ask more questions than giving statements because the more she feels heard, seen and understood by you, the quicker she’ll calm down and co-regulate with you. Communicate that you want to understand and need her help to do so).

10. DO rest assured that long after the conflict is over, she will remember that you loved her as you’ve sought to win her heart more than the argument. (This is about looking at the bigger picture and thinking about the long game beyond the present moment and conflict).

These 20 specific ways to be a leader in your home as you seek to model relational health with your daughter. And though every one of these skills takes practice, they provide a road map for intentional, positive investment in her life.

As I shared last time, I trust this list of DO’s and DON’T’s serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

To download the PDF with all 20 Do's and Don'ts, click here. 

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’s and INREASE YOUR DO’s when it comes to being a conflict resolver. Go Dad!