3 Words of Summer Dadvice

With summer upon us, this means your kids are home and you’re trying to navigate their schedules and needs, figuring out how to keep them occupied, seeing where you can fit in a vacation or two, and doing all this while staying the course with your work-life balance. 

Let’s be honest. Is there such thing as “balance” when there are so many competing needs and only 24 hours in a day? I think not! 

So as a way to honor your time while giving you a three-word reminder about a positive stance to take with your daughter this summer, here it is: 

Soften Your Tone

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

You’ve heard me say this before and I’ll say it again: Oftentimes men don’t always realize how intense, loud or harsh their vocal tone actually is. Then in one felt swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to a daughter’s heart and your relationship suffers.

So this week and this summer, perhaps you can imagine that I’m the positive voice in your ear who is whispering to keep your tone quiet and your voice soft so your daughter sees what it looks like to let gentleness rule. 

If you stay soft, she’ll eventually follow your lead.

Let’s see a culture of healthy men who are completely masculine and fully soft simultaneously. 

Go Dad…and happy Summer!

10 SURPRISING Contributions Dads Make to Their Daughter’s Lives

On this Father’s Day weekend, I can think of no better way to celebrate YOU as a #girldad than to highlight ten of the most significant, perhaps even surprising, contributions that dads make to their daughter’s lives. 

These are ten specific ways your presence matters. 

Whether you’re in a season where you’re closer than ever to your daughter or there’s distance between you, these ten realities underscore that fathers are very important to the health and well-being of their daughters. And though you may not always hear positive words about how important and valuable you are as a dad, today I’m gifting you with words of affirmation!

As you read each of these items, I trust they will inspire you to be even more intentional because the truth is that your daughter will thrive with your positive, life-breathing encouragement in every season. So here we go! 

The overriding themes in research strongly support that daughters who feel connected to their fathers:

1. Do better in school, get better grades, and are more likely to finish high school and attend college.
If your daughter knows you’re in her corner while she’s learning, letting her know you believe in her by giving her grace to fail forward without belittling her when she fails, then cheering her on as she gets back up, she will keep going. Yes, there are always meltdowns along the way, but your consistent support will go far in helping her to achieve her academic goals.

2. Experience greater self-esteem.
You can visibly tell when a girl or woman is internally confident, and she will stand out among her peers. You can see it in the way she carries herself and communicates, negotiates, and interacts. And much of the time these women have solid relationships with their fathers. It’s true that when a dad confirms and affirms his daughter’s worth and value, she will expect nothing less from others…and herself.

3. Are more likely to find steady employment.
This one compliments the last. When a daughter is empowered by the confidence her dad has in her, she carries that inner strength with her wherever she goes. This translates to the workplace, including her work ethic and ability to hold a job with internalized grit and core strength.

4. Report less depression.
If you want your daughter to demonstrate emotional equilibrium, be mindful that you play a big part in helping her grow this skill set. When she sinks emotionally, remember that she needs kindness, understanding, and patience from you through her processing phase. She will grow to appreciate your steady presence until these resources become internalized as her own.

5. Have lower rates of substance use.
Though it can be within normal limits for kids to experiment and push boundaries, I believe when drugs and alcohol are used to numb emotions, decrease anxiety, lower stress, bridge gaps in interpersonal relating and communicating, etc., this becomes a problem. In other words, when substances create “false courage,” for example, and serve as a substitute for developing life skills, healthy development halts. Yet when a dad is there in real time and helps his daughter to process feelings, validates her emotions, calms her anxiety, decreases her stress, and provides true support, there is less draw to inanimate objects to do that work for her.

6. Have less body dissatisfaction and healthier weight.
As much as women may try to be their own cheerleaders, as a whole we tend to look elsewhere for validation and encouragement, especially when it comes to weight and body image. This underscores why a dad plays a significant role in supporting his daughter to see herself in a positive light.

Dad, make sure to never criticize or tease her for her weight, pant size, breast size, etc., even if you think you’re just being funny. Find ways to highlight her positive qualities, such as her eyes, style of dress, hairstyle, character, personality, and on it goes. Your affirmation will stay with her and hopefully be internalized so she can see herself through your eyes.

7. Delay their sexual debut.
Yes, you read this right. Your bond with your daughter is one, if not THE BEST defensive strategy against “oncoming traffic,” if you know what I mean! Simply stated, the more emotionally and relationally connected your daughter feels to you, the less she will be looking for love in all the wrong places, resulting in her decision to delay premarital sex (thus resulting in decreases in teen pregnancy). How’s that for a win-win?!

8. Have healthier relationships with men.
This one doesn’t need much explanation. As you set the foundation in your daughter’s life to relate to you by experiencing secure attachment, she will feel free to use her voice and express herself while enjoying doing life with you. She will then transfer those relational skills to her interactions with the opposite sex.

9. Have significantly less suicide attempts.
When someone knows their life has value, such that those around them wouldn’t know how to go on if they weren’t around, that person often will stay alive for someone else, even when their personal distress seems unbearable at times. Stated otherwise, agape love is true, self-sacrificial, self-giving love, and it lasts the test of time. When real love like this is infused into the soul of another, they will believe their life matters. And when the person validating them is the one who brought them into the world (a.k.a. you), it puts an extra layer of protective coating around their heart and life.

10. Display greater empathy and pro-social behavior compared to kids with uninvolved fathers. More specifically, when a dad is involved in his daughter’s life, she has more of her best self to share with the world and she will be 80% less likely to spend time in jail. Once again, research doesn’t always get to the heart behind the data, but the numbers speak for themselves in revealing that a dad’s involvement and attentiveness to his daughter’s life becomes integrated into the core of her identity, and she will give out of the overflow of that consistent deposit. 

So there you have it: Ten solid, perhaps even SURPRISING factors that show why you as a dad have value to your daughter, even if she’s not aware of it all.

I trust you’re inspired to renew your vision, passion, and commitment to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter.

I wish you the best Father’s Day ever as this is a day to honor you and celebrate your role as a dad.

Go Dad!

Are You an Overcomer Dad?

Over the years I’ve often asked dads who have partnered with me once a month for nine months (in The Abba Project) this question: Why are you giving your valuable time and energy to be here, willing to learn skills to better pursue your daughter’s heart, all while being pressed to engage in areas outside your comfort zone? 

Without exception, here is the essence of what every dad says:

“Because I love my daughter.” 

I believe you’re answering that question the same way or you wouldn’t be reading this blog (or listening to The Dad Whisperer Podcast or reading my dad-daughter books). 

Here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours: No matter what hand you were dealt from your father regarding what it looks like to be an engaged dad, you can choose now to be engaged and be the dad your daughter needs.

You’ll appreciate hearing what one fathering expert has to say on the matter (a man who is now my husband and someone I’ve admired and quoted for over a decade). Here are the words of Dr. Ken Canfield in The Heart of a Father: 

It may surprise you to learn that, in one bit of research at the National Center for Fathering, we discovered that a man’s relationship with his father is not the most significant predictor of his current relationship with his children. In other words, a painful past is certainly an influence, but not the “silver bullet.” Your commitment to become a dad of destiny can displace the negative effects resulting from a poor relationship with your dad. You can join the distinguished ranks of the “overcomer dads.”

I love that term, overcomer dads.

Let me be more specific. An overcomer dad is one who:

• Steps up even if your dad wasn’t a positive role model to show you how to be a great father

• Knows that it’s never too late to start “kicking things up a notch” with your daughter

• Learns from other dads while being willing to ask questions and ask for help

• Commits to being a strong, engaged father who leads your daughter well, even when it’s hard and she makes you work for it

• Doesn’t give up even if and/or when she pushes you away

• Initiates spending individual, quality time with your daughter, knowing this is how she’ll feel valuable and loved

• Pursues your daughter’s heart consistently because you know she’ll carry your love deep inside throughout her lifespan

• Finds creative ways to motivate her to reach her goals (not just yours) while she feels your unconditional support regardless of her performance

• Demonstrates patience with her even when she blows it or is hard to love

• Communicates love, affirmation and belief in your daughter regardless of whether she seems to soak it in

• Directs his daughter to connect to God as her Father with a goal to build a solid bridge to the One who will never leave her or forsake her

Dad, you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being, and your presence in her life matters — big time. So if you’ve ever received a message to the contrary or doubted your value as a father, let’s turn that around now.

It is my utmost joy and honor to join forces with you as you fiercely pursue the heart of your daughter.

By doing so, you’ll join the ranks of overcomer dads.

3 Blind Spots of Mice and Men

Do you remember the nursery rhyme from when you were a kid about three blind mice? I haven’t actually thought about it in years or heard anyone cite it either.

But as I’m looking at it today, I thought you might enjoy reminiscing with me:

Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
She cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?

Crazy story to share with kids, right?

I don’t have any profound insight as to why this rhyme is of any value to us or our children, but my one take away is this: Blind spots lead to catastrophic outcomes.

It’s the same with fathering your daughters. 

Blind spots are those areas where we miss or don’t see things, often because they’re in our peripheral vision. Yet when something is legitimately there and needs our immediate attention, it’s wisdom to turn our heads and respond appropriately.

With that in mind, here’s three specific things that might be in your blind spot when it comes to interacting with your daughter. My hope is that after reading, you’ll see things more clearly because now they’ll be directly in your line of sight. 

Blind Spot #1: Expecting things of your daughter that you don’t practice yourself. 

As a dad you want your daughter to have positive responses. You want her to respond with immediate obedience without a bad attitude or intense negativity. You want her to respect others (especially her mom and siblings), honor God, and be a contributing member of your family and society.

Those are great goals, but it’s vital that you start with yourself. Begin by considering whether you’re setting an example in these areas so what you’re expecting and requiring of her is modeled by you. After all, more is caught than taught.

Blind Spot #2: Thinking that what you do behind closed doors doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know about it. 

We’ve all heard the quote, “be sure your sins will find you out.” When it comes to integrity (which I imagine is a virtue you want your daughter to embody), it’s about what we do when no one sees. 

When it comes to your personal life---your thoughts, morals, values, choices, relationships with the opposite sex, expenditures, financial dealings, etc.---it’s important that there is congruence between the life your daughter sees publicly and the person you are behind closed doors. 

Let me get a little more personal and specific. If you engage in looking at pornography, you’re contributing to an industry that objectifies and uses women for self-gratification.

If you want your daughter to live with confident strength where she expects to be treated with value and respect, especially by men, be mindful that what you bring with you is being passed on to her. This has to do with the atmosphere and spiritual climate that you carry with you, which is a very real, though unseen, realm. 

Blind Spot #3: Assuming that your anger has no effect in shaping her.

You’ve heard me say this many times and it bears repeating: Your anger will have the most negative impact on your daughter’s heart and spirit than most anything else.

Your anger will cause your daughter to fear you and experience you as unsafe (which I know you don’t want). Your anger will decrease her self esteem, cause her to be tentative and less confident, destroy her spirit, and lead her to shrink back and be less assertive in the world (which you also don’t want). Additionally, she will project these realities onto God as a Father and assume He’s an angry guy in the sky. If you don’t want her to be afraid of God, be aware that you set the base for how she approaches and relates to Him.

Anger from a dad to his daughter is always more intense than you may think it is. Though anger is a God-given emotion and there’s a place for it at times, you must use it rarely. 

Now that these three areas are in front of you, they’re no longer blind spots. 

Commit to addressing one of them today. 

Better yet, talk to a fellow “mouse” (a trusted friend) and communicate honestly about these three areas. This is how you’ll be a band of brothers instead of “three blind mice.” And by creating this kind of accountability group, you’ll offset blindness and move forward with clear vision.

No more blinders. Go Dad!

My Three Insider Venusian Trade Secrets for #GirlDads

For some of you younger dads, today’s title is a reference point from the last century!

By “Venusian,” I’m referring to Dr. John Gray’s concept in his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I consider myself bilingual after 13 years of traveling from my planet of Venus to your planet of Mars, and today I’m here to help you decode your daughter with a bit more precision.

Here are my three “Venusian trade secrets” so you can better understand your daughter:

1. When she opens her mouth, her heart opens.
We women don’t even have to think about it; it just happens. But it doesn’t stop there. When a daughter’s heart opens, her dad’s heart automatically opens. You, dads, don’t even have to think about it; it just happens.

This full-circle, interactive dynamic means that if you capitalize on engaging your daughter in conversations, not only will she open up to you more, but your bond will be stronger.

2. She figures things out by talking.
The key word in this sentence is ‘out.’ Because we as women have so much swirling around in our brains 24/7, sometimes it feels like we’re on a hamster wheel in our heads where we’re running fast but not getting anywhere (a.k.a. this is called looping). When we talk things out and get them out by verbalizing what’s going on inside, it helps “open the cage” so we get off the wheel.

When you’re a safe sounding board, allowing your daughter to process verbally and emotionally without rushing her or requiring that she make sense to you, you give her a gift in holding her intensity without trying to problem solve. By providing her this outlet, she will de-escalate, begin to calm down, and feel better.

3. She wants a closer relationship with you.
In my 44 years of mentoring women and 27 years of clinical counseling, no girl or woman has ever said to me, “Dr. Michelle, I’m way too bonded to my dad and we’re just too close.” Instead, as their tears flow, I’ve often heard stories of heartbreak over feeling distant from or hurt by their dads.

This tells me that women want a better relationship with their fathers. And it’s up to you, Dad, to lead the way in letting her know you want that too.

This also tells me there’s a dire need for fathers to have a clear road map for journeying to the epicenter of their daughters’ hearts, coupled with learning how to engage them and lead conversations so their daughters can find and use their voices.

If you want to take action today to be a proactive dad who helps your daughter thrive, here are two places to start:

Action Steps:
1. Ask your daughter what you can do to be a better dad to her.
Text, call, or ask her in person. Do it today. Let her know she can say anything and you’ll do your best to meet her at the point of her need.

2. Buy a copy of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and use it for your monthly dad-daughter date where she chooses the topic and you ask the questions.
I wrote this book based on feedback from dads like you who asked for scripts to help them succeed in interacting with their girls. This book will become your playbook as you lead conversations with intention and purpose.

Whether you’re in a solid place with your daughter or want to be closer, you’ll find it helpful in strategically pursuing her heart.

Go Dads!