The Scary Side of Fathering a Daughter 🎃👻

Since today is Halloween, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do a little play on words as I write my Dad-Daughter Friday blog this week!

I’ve interacted with a lot of dads over the past 15 years, hearing stories not only about their love of being a father to a daughter, but also about their legitimate ambivalence over the enormity of the task. Here’s my synthesis of those conversations, which I’m simply calling “the SCARY side of fathering a daughter.” 

This emotional reality for GirlDads takes place when: 

• She requires more of your words, time, money, and energy than you had expected or realized when she was in the womb.

• Her moods change faster than you change your socks and you literally can’t always keep up or figure her out.

• She asks you the hard questions that aren’t just about why the sky is blue and the world is round, but instead wants to know about your past and mistakes you’ve made because she wants to know the truth about who you really are, what you’ve learned the hard way, and how you’ve overcome.

• You wake up one day and realize she’s not a little girl anymore and now she’s enthralled with another guy who has taken up residence in her heart space.

• You blew it and got angry and have the renewed awareness that you have the power to damage your precious daughter in one blow if you’re not careful, leading you to make amends.

• You fear the outcome as you tentatively walk into her room, all the while feeling the cold chill in the air while noticing that her emotional walls are up. Yet you go in anyway as you seek to break through the wall…or at least knock on the door and let her know you’re there.

• You face the fact that the older she gets you really have little to no control over what she does when she’s outside your house because now it’s time for her to make her own choices (ones that may not line up with “the way you raised her”).

• You realize you’re a physical representation on earth of her Heavenly Father and are keenly aware that this assignment is way over your head.

Dad, do any of these things bring up fear inside your soul? I imagine they do.

I realize there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to take care of the intense realities that you face as a father. But at the same time, I believe that the little things you do can yield big dividends.

I’d like to suggest a five-step path to support your heart goal of being a dialed-in dad even with the frightening and confusing dynamics that may rise inside you. When the task at hand requires more than you sometimes believe you can master here are a few things to keep in mind.

I’ll use your five senses for easy recall on how to press in order to pursue your daughter’s heart:

1. See…Make eye contact with her every day. And because they say that “eyes are the window to the soul,” you’ll be able to tell how she’s really doing if you get close enough to look into her baby blues (or browns or greens). In an often hostile world, your eyes of love will go a long way toward making her believe she’ll make it because she’ll see her reflection of worth and value in the mirror of your eyes.

2. Hear…Active listening means leaning forward, nodding your head, setting down your remote and cell phone while paying attention to what she’s saying (long as it may be). If you repeat back the words she says it will help you stay engaged rather than zoning out or inactively listening, especially if you’re tired after a long day or are honestly disinterested in the drama encircling her life. Remember that her world is centered around relationships and when you listen with patience and kindness, it lets her know she matters to you.

3. Smell…Did you know that our sense of smell syncs with the part of our brain that is tied to learning and emotion? Because we link scents to events, you can help create a bonding, soothing, positive memory experience for your daughter by enhancing the aromatic space around her. Practical Idea: Buy her a candle or perfume of her favorite scent to use as aromatherapy when she’s stressed. [Calm daughter = calm dad. Better said: compassionate, patient, steady dad = calm daughter.]

4. Taste…It’s hard to be upset when enjoying a fun tasty treat that I like to call a “happy flavor.” (If you’ve ever tried Passion Tea Lemonade at Starbucks, you’ll know what I mean). As a way to stay current with your ever-growing daughter, find out what her favorite tastes are and then find a way connect via that food or drink. You could even surprise her by bringing her that favorite food to brighten her day. (An Abba Project Dad drove to his 17-year daughter’s school during lunch to bring her a favorite meal. She told me that she can’t stop talking about it! I say, “Way to go dad in creating a forever memory for your daughter!”)

5. Touch…If safe touch calms babies, of course we still this need as we age. Find a way to make physical contact with your daughter every day. Embrace her with a hug. Kiss her cheek. Squeeze her hand. Give her a high five. Wrestle with her. (An Abba Project Dad said that he stopped wrestling with his 18-year old daughter as she “developed physically” around the age of 13. But when they started wrestling again in a safe, playful way while he was in the group, he beamed as he described the positive relational benefits they were experiencing due to more healthy physical contact.)

Whatever age and stage your daughter is in can be the perfect time to let your five senses lead the way to actively communicate love to your girl.

Let today be the day you take action so the Scary side of fathering loses it’s grip. By proactively moving beyond your fear, hesitation or reluctance, you will be going the extra mile to prove to yourself and to your daughter that real dads don’t back off when they’re Scared!

Does Your Daughter Know What Servant Leadership Looks Like?

Lately I’ve been pondering something and I want to share it here while it’s fresh. I’d love to get your input so feel free to write me and share your thoughts so we can continue this dialogue (drmichellewatson@gmail.com).

The question I pose to you is this: Does your daughter actually know what servant leadership looks like?

• Does she give without anyone knowing about it (a.k.a without posting it on her socials)?

• Does she sacrifice to see others (including her siblings) succeed?

• Does she delay gratification in order to save for something later?

• Does she donate to needs outside of herself?

• Does she know what it looks like to serve without being applauded?  

• Does she have an altruistic mindset where she gives even if she receives nothing in return?

So just in case it sounds like I’m coming down too hard on your daughter, I promise you I’m cheering her on to be all that God has made her to be!

And if you’re like many dads I interact with, I’m surely not telling you anything new when saying that your daughter is immersed in a culture that encourages her to embrace a mindset based in a philosophy that shouts: “See me…follow me…like me!”

Not only is this message everywhere on social media…but when her peers and influencers define popularity and success in certain ways, often without even knowing it, she’s internalizing  and being shaped by this this value system. [Of course this relates to us as adults and parents too, but we have fully developed brains to better process and filter incoming messages as compared to our precious daughters, right?].

But there’s one more side to this that’s been unsettling for me recently.

It seems on this side of the “Me Too Movement” where women rose up to say they had equal value to men [which is absolutely true, according to our Creator], the concerning part to me now is that dominance and control is being repackaged as assertiveness. Yet this stance is not only destructive, but it can camouflage arrogance and inflexibility.

This leads me to ponder whether there’s now been a swing in the other direction that supports women pushing others out of the way to get to the top at any cost to themselves or anyone else. But is overpowering others a glorified way to exalt ourselves? I see this being less about positive leadership and more about insecurity and stubbornness.

We all know that more is caught than taught, so this invites the next question:

Dad, are you modeling to your daughter what it looks like to be a servant leader?

Years ago I was talking to a dad in The Abba Project about his 8th grade daughter. She was an only child and he was frustrated with her “selfishness, lack of gratitude and self absorption.” I told him that her narcissistic focus was within normal limits for her age, adding that experts talk about adolescence as “latent toddlerhood” where it’s all about them much of the time. This is when girls hone the skill of using one-word commands like: “me, my, mine, now, no…”

I shared that the best way for her NOT to think about herself would be TO focus on someone else. I encouraged him to find places for to volunteer and give of herself. He loved this idea until I added that an even better strategy would be for him to do it with her.

He immediately said, “that will never happen.”

Sadly, this dad wanted his daughter to change and stop focusing on herself but he was unwilling to do the same.

The words of Jesus come to mind as He flipped everything on its head when it comes to a Kingdom mindset of leadership when He said,

“It’s better to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

“The greatest among you is the one who serves.” (Matthew 23:11)

“When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself. You’ve seen them in action, I’m sure—‘playactors’ I call them—treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that’s all they get. When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. (Matthew 6:2-3, MSG)

Dad, the best way to show your daughter what servant leadership looks like is to:

• Show her in real time how to lead selflessly, modeling what it looks like to give without expecting reward, applause or public praise.

• Serve your family consistently and faithfully, at times without them knowing what you’re doing for them [two words: eternal rewards].

• Sacrifice to support the greater good of your family, using these situations as teachable moments so she soaks in the vibrant heritage you’re passing on to her.

• Sponsor a child or organization with your daughter or as a family as you invest in others.

• Sow seeds of love into those in need by volunteering with her.

• Share what you learn along the way---about yourself, other people, the world, Jesus, etc.

Embrace this opportunity to open up a conversation with your daughter about leading as a servant.

Servant leadership started with Jesus and now you get to model the same.

Go Dad!

Fathering Through My Own Wounds: Lessons I’ve Learned as a GirlDad (Guest Blog by Tony Miltenberger)

Being a dad is full of surprises, but being a GirlDad has taught me lessons I never expected.

With Shiloh, my youngest who is now 13, every day feels alive with energy, questions, and challenges. I want to guide her, make things easier, and help her avoid frustration. But one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, and one I explore in Wisdom in the Wound, is that sometimes the most important thing I can do is step back, especially when my own wounds get in the way.

Shiloh recently decided to try running track. If you’ve never been to a track meet, you’ll quickly learn it’s a lot of waiting for a very brief reward. For her, it was frustrating, she was slower than the other kids, and she felt it deeply. She stomped, complained, and struggled with impatience. And I understood completely, she got her speed from me.

Here’s where it got tricky.

My instinct was to coach her, push her, and help her fix what I saw as “correctable.” But it wasn’t just about track. My wound, this deep desire to be seen, to be right, to feel like I was helping, was bubbling up. I wanted to be acknowledged for being a good dad, for knowing what she needed.

And every complaint from Shiloh, every moment of frustration, felt like a reflection on me. Her struggle bumped up against my own need for validation, and I could feel my patience shrinking.

Shiloh didn’t want to put in the work I knew would help. She wanted results without the effort, and my first reaction was to fix it for her, to make her see things my way. But stepping in that way would have been about me, not her. I realized that my need to be seen and “do it right” was actually blocking the most important thing I could offer: my presence.

So, I paused. I had to let her experience the frustration herself. My role wasn’t to control the outcome or prove I knew better; it was to cheer her on, listen, and quietly hold space for her to learn. To trust that she could handle the challenge, even if it was slow, messy, and imperfect.

Being a GirlDad has taught me that love isn’t measured by how much I can control the outcome. It’s measured by how well I can show up, recognize my own impulses, and let her grow through the challenge.

My wounds can cloud my judgment, but when I notice them and step back, they can guide me toward wisdom, presence, and patience.

Watching Shiloh navigate track, slow, frustrated, but trying, reminds me that my job isn’t to make life easy for her. It’s to make sure she knows she’s capable, supported, and loved, even when she doesn’t do things the way I would.

Fathering isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, being honest with yourself, and choosing presence over control.

Every day with Shiloh is a lesson in humility, patience, and trust. My wound to be seen will always be there, but when I steward it well, it allows me to be the dad she actually needs. I’m grateful I get to walk alongside her, not as someone who fixes everything, but as someone who trusts her to do the work herself and loves her fiercely while she does it.

Tony Miltenberger is the founder of Follow2Lead Coaching. He is a veteran, podcast host, executive coach, author, and the associate pastor of disciple making at Centerville Grace Church. Throughout the years, Tony has traveled the globe, taking deployments in Kuwait, El Salvador, and numerous marriage retreats throughout the US. He has consulted with churches in the deep south and multi-million dollar organizations in the Midwest. His proudest accomplishment is being the father to three amazing kids and being married to his high school sweetheart (Karen) for over 20 years.

If you want to hear more from Tony, you’ll love his new book, Wisdom in the Wound: How God Uses Your Past to Shape Who You’re Becoming.

26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from N to Z [Part 2]

Hey Dad...

Today is part 2 of a 2-part series on 26 proactive ways you can invest in your daughter to help strengthen her core identity to increase her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. 

As you read in my last blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?! 

My goal again today is to highlight your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in her so that you’re contributing more than contaminating…with MORE POSITIVE RELATIONAL DEPOSITS AND LESS NEGATIVE WITHDRAWALS. 

This is also about being committed to doing whatever it takes to REPAIR the relationship after there’s been RUPTURE. All of this increases secure attachment.

I’ll begin by reviewing the first 13 ways from my last blog to proactively invest in your daughter---from A to M. And then here below I’ll give you the final 13---from N to Z.

I’ll also attach a pdf at the end that you can print out as a reminder of these important action steps. You’ll also get a link to The Dad Whisperer Podcast where I talk about each one in more detail. Here goes!

Admit when you’re wrong. 

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. 

Criticize never. 

Drop your anger. 

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. 

Forgive easily and quickly. 

Guidance. 

Hug her often. 

Initiate regular dates with her. 

Jesus.

Knowledge.

Listen more.

Momentum. 

No is a powerful word. Giving your daughter permission to say “no” to you is as important as her saying “yes.” This means you’ll have to let her practice disagreeing with you or pushing back, which will strengthen her ability to do the same out in the world. So even when she says “no” to you [as long as she’s not in danger and it’s appropriate to do so], you’ll grow in staying calm so she can “co-regulate with you” as she learns to regulate her own nervous system. 

Pace. To be honest, in my counseling practice, there are times I would love my clients to work through things faster so they don’t have to suffer so long. At other times I just don’t want them to keep making the same mistakes. But I have to put on my “patience hat” and walk with them at their pace, not mine. It’s the same with fathering your daughter. Make it your goal to pace with her at her age and stage of development as she learns to process life one step at a time. 

Questions. Asking good questions is a key strategy to strengthen relationships. The best way to keep the conversation going with your daughter is to listen for the key word or last word in her sentence (or paragraph), then follow up with more questions about what she just shared before commenting. Ask: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? She’ll talk more if you learn to ask better questions! 

Reframe. Think of it this way: When you put a different colored mat or frame around a picture, it changes the entire look. Similarly, when you look at the situation with your daughter from a different angle, considering an alternate perspective, you help yourself and your daughter expand your capacity to see things with more insight and deeper meaning, leading to greater connection and understanding.

Servant leadership. The best way to lead is by example. Show your daughter what it’s like to serve others sacrificially. Volunteer together. And as you model this behavior where you find joy in serving her, your family, and her mom [even if you’re divorced], you will grow…and so will she.

Time. Because love is spelled T-I-M-E, remember that you don’t achieve quality time without quantity time.

Understanding. When you say to your daughter, “I know I don’t understand, but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”, it will go a long way in letting her see how much you care. Your desire to understand her invites her into a sacred space with you as she figures things out by talking things out. 

Vulnerability. This quality of honest transparency [with age-appropriate boundaries, of course] builds a strong bridge to your daughter’s heart. Share with her some of the things you’ve learned the hard way and she will internalize that strength by seeing it’s in her DNA to overcome obstacles and never give up. 

Wipe her tears. Get close enough to her tears to wipe and dry them, which is another way of saying you’re increasing your empathy skills. When she lets you see her tears, she’s trusting you with her heart and her hurt. We “trauma bond” with those who are safe enough to be trusted with our tears. 

Xtend grace. Grace means unmerited favor. When you remember that you wouldn’t be where you are without a lot of grace being shown to you, it will help you give that same tolerance more easily to your daughter. 

Yes. You’ve heard of the movie, “Yes Day” where the parents say “YES” to every request from their child for one full day. What if you did the same and found ways to say “YES” to your daughter’s needs for an entire day in the near future. Option 2: You could also practice this with yourself where you say “YES” to more time with your daughter, which will require you to say “NO” to other things.

Zip it! Yes, you’re her dad and you’re leading and guiding and correcting…and on it goes. This is your God-given role in your daughter’s life for sure. But what if you were intentional in the next week or two about NOT saying something you want to say to her---maybe it’s a consequence or a lecture or a lesson. Instead, take longer to respond and wait to comment. Watch what happens in her…and you. I think it’s worth a try! 

So there you have it…26 ways to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

Like I said in my last blog, I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you! 

[Here’s a pdf of all 26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy: Part 2

And if you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link:  “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy"]

26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from A to M [Part 1]

As you read the title of my blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for almost 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?!

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

My goal today is to inform you about your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in your daughter’s mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, which research states is something you can contribute to…or contaminate.

As you know, in relationships we either make deposits or withdrawals into the “bank accounts” of those in our relational sphere. And your deposits and withdrawals have a HUGE impact on your daughter’s mental and emotional health. So if you want to keep your daughter out of therapy, you’ll need to make MORE DEPOSITS AND LESS WITHDRAWALS.

This isn’t saying you need to be perfect. Quite the contrary. This is about doing REPAIR after there’s been RUPTURE. And I have more good news. Your daughter will be healthier, stronger and more resilient as you consistently and intentionally invest in her with repetitions that confirm she can rely on you. All of this is essentially the definition of secure attachment.

The more your daughter is secure in experiencing you as supportive and loving, the more she will internalize your strength, love, and validation. And that security will build an internal positive base in her to last a lifetime.

This is how she’ll experience LESS depression, anxiety, body dissatisfaction, eating disorders, and unhealthy relationships.…and MORE confidence, academic and career success, and resilience, etc.

To make this list of 26 proactive strategies easier to remember, here’s my list from A to Z (which seems fitting since it’s back-to-school time, don’t you think?!). Today I’ll share the first 13, and in two weeks I’ll give you the final 13. This gives you two weeks to put these first 13 into action!

Admit when you’re wrong. This is a great starting point as a GirlDad. “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you in due time.” (I Peter 5:6) Enough said!

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. Every positive word you say and every positive thing you do is an installment in the foundation of your daughter’s identity.

Criticize never. You can correct her and address issues that need input or course correction, but never do it in a condescending or critical way that diminishes who she is. Make sure you never engage in name calling, belittling, shaming or condemning her. Address the behavior, not her identity.

Drop your anger. Your anger will do more to discourage and destroy your daughter than anything else. So make a proactive decision today to never respond in anger. Instead, walk away and then come back once you’ve cooled down. I appreciate what one dad recently told me, “I’ve always tried to control my anger, but it hasn’t worked. I’m now finally getting it and I’m hearing you. I need to make a decision to drop my anger, not just try to control it.”

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. Be an example, remembering that your actions speaker louder than your words. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what it was like at her age so set your expectations realistically according to her stage of development, personality, birth order, wiring, gifts, and limitations.

Forgive easily and quickly. Model to your daughter what it looks like to be human as you’re willing to forgive after you’ve been hurt or disrespected, without retaliation. This is especially important if there’s been divorce. After naming the injury, choose to let go of the hurt. God forgave you so you can forgive her…and others.

Guidance. If you’re going to give input to your daughter, you have to get close enough to her heart for her to trust what you say. Remember the 5:1 Love Bank principle where you want to make 5 relational deposits to 1 withdrawal, which results in a higher likelihood that your daughter will listen to and follow your input.

Hug her often. Safe and respectful physical touch from a dad to his daughter is internalized in a way that lets her know you value and love her.

Initiate regular dates with her. This is intentional time where you pursue her heart by spending one-on-one time just with her. Tell her what you enjoy about her and ensure that she knows how much you treasure her.

Jesus. When Jesus met people at the point of their need, he led with love, truth, and grace. Hard as that may be to follow His lead, you can rest in knowing He’s walking with you. He said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (John 15:5). So it makes your job easier when you let Jesus give your daughter something through you that you can’t give in your own strength. This is when the supernatural supersedes the natural.

Knowledge. Be curious and interested in knowing about your daughter’s world…her friends, classes, favorite music, food preferences, jobs, dreams, struggles, hopes, faith, family relationships, interests, hobbies, etc. Make a commitment to learn more about her world by paying more attention to the little things, meeting her friends, asking questions, etc.

Listen more. The best way to know your daughter is to ask great questions, followed with intentional listening without interrupting. This is hard work because it means you have to slow down without formulating an immediate response. It’s the whole “two-ears-one-mouth” principle where you listen twice as much as you talk. I guarantee she’ll feel your love and will open up more if you practice honing your listening skills.

Momentum. This is about consistency and rhythms through the up’s and down’s of life. It’s about not letting relational setbacks deter your focus on the goal of contending for health and wholeness in your relationship. This is about looking at the big picture by faith, without being discouraged when one decision or action or interaction seems like it’s moving in the opposite direction.

So there it is…the first 13 ways [of 26] to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

The truth is that I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you!

[If you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link: “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy."