It's All About The Feet

We’ve heard it said that it’s about being in the right place at the right time. On one particular day recently, I was definitely in the right place at the right time to witness an inaugural event for one brave dad!

There I was in a room full of women, seated with my hands positioned on the counter as my stylist was polishing my fingernails for a manicure. That’s when a man came walking through the front door and made this announcement,

“This is my first time…and I’m scared!”

It was hilarious to hear him admit his legitimate terror of the great unknown that lie ahead of him that day. But, to his credit, he was there.

I was instantly intrigued that a guy would openly admit his fear, so I just had to eavesdrop on his conversation throughout the process, convinced there was more to the story. I found myself thinking that he probably had faced much bigger and much scarier obstacles than this, but gave him props for facing his fears head on today.

As I got up to leave, I felt compelled to walk over and applaud him for his heroism. I asked if the girl with him was his daughter, which led to hearing Brian explain that he was there with his daughter Kennedy as they were celebrating her 13th birthday.

After applauding him for showing up in a big way that she’ll likely never forget, I asked to take their picture while sharing that I wish there were more dads like him who would enter their daughter’s world at any cost to themselves. I’m sure the last thing he expected was to have his entrance into a nail salon result in being commended for his feat of strength and courageous commitment to his daughter!

I told him that I wanted to blog about their story and send him my book so they could do dad-daughter dates with more intention to kick off Kennedy’s teenage years. We became instant friends.

As I drove away, I thought about the powerful impact this dad had made in his daughter’s life that day simply by exposing his fears….and his feet.

[This is Brian and his daughter Kennedy]

For the majority of men, it takes a lot to reveal real emotion--as well as their toes--in public.

There’s just one word for this kind of love in action: vulnerability.

On the way home I considered how Jesus expressed vulnerability. And wouldn’t you know it, it too was all about the feet.

When Jesus washed each of his twelve disciple’s feet and dried them with the towel wrapped around him, he modeled humility by serving them that day. Brian did something similar to express his love to Kennedy by humbling himself as his feet were washed by a stranger, all as an act of love and service to his daughter.

Then Jesus followed up his actions with these words:

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.”
(John 13:14-15)

Dad, how can you enter your daughter’s world today by doing something that may be uncomfortable, requiring humility and vulnerability?

Trust me, if you’re willing to walk a mile in your daughter’s shoes, the path just might lead you into a nail salon!

10 Things Your Daughter Needs From You This Valentine's Day

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I feel compelled once again to talk about all things women and romance!

I know this isn’t typically a topic that draws your attention, Dad, but for the sake of your daughter, you’ll be wiser for staying with me on this. I promise!

A couple of days ago I read an article titled, 'The Bachelor' Is A Failed Experiment, So Why Does America Still Watch? by Ruth E. Samuel. What a great question. I've actually wondered the same thing.

The reason I’m addressing this today is to highlight keys to understanding your daughter’s inner longings. The more you dial in to what’s going on inside her at a heart level, the less she’ll turn to learning about love and relationships from unhealthy sources [like this TV show!]

Summary of the above-mentioned article:

• ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ is “an experiment in love and matchmaking in the modern era…and a highly manufactured depiction of romance” that isn’t about finding love since less than ten couples are still together after 26 seasons in 20 years

• There were 3.8 million viewers last season, with the largest demographic being women between the ages of 18 and 49

• The goal of every contestant is to get the lead’s attention at any cost, even giving expensive gifts or expressing grand gestures, which is usually a one-way street

• 35-year veteran psychologist William J. Ryan notes that “watching the show is a social-bonding event like watching the Super Bowl…and audiences can’t ignore how the series offers ‘vicarious pleasure’ that ‘feeds our own imagination about romance’”

• Ryan also notes that the show thrives on contestants trauma-bonding and trauma-dumping as a means to evoke vulnerability, which is actually an attempt to develop pseudo-intimacy

• Podcaster Chad Kultgen says the series “isn‘t showing how to establish a good foundation for long-lasting, healthy relationships, but, as with any form of entertainment, it’s a mirror of the good, bad and ugly of our society, a thermometer of the culture, because what drives today’s culture is the fame machine”

Notice the words I highlighted in bold.

Read them again.

As a dad, do any of these themes concern you as you think of the way your daughter is being influenced by these methods, messages, models, and mess-ups?

When you think of the ways this show is shaping her view of romance, love, dating, relationships, imagination, and intimacy (or lack of it) that requires doing whatever it takes to win a man, do you have anything rise within you that wants to protect her heart? Or at the very least, does it motivate you to want to have a conversation with her about what she’s learning from what she’s seeing? (even if she tells you it’s a harmless form of entertainment).

My response to the above-mentioned article:

• Women often thrive on living vicariously through the relationships of others (whether on the small or large screen, as well as with their friends) rather than experiencing their own relationships lived out in real time

• Whether women know it or not, ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ inform, educate, condition and reinforce unhealthy relational dynamics that shape their perspectives of romantic interactions based in unrealistic expectations and norms

• If women spend time exposing themselves to content that normalizes interpersonal drama, emotional chaos and relational disrespect while highlighting this as a typical part of romantic relationships, this mindset seeps into their consciousness as an acceptable aspect of dating and marriage

• When there is a lack of real-life, healthy modeling about what it means to be in a vibrant, respectful, honoring, and mutually-edifying relationship, women are apt to be drawn to anything) that engages their heart desire for romance, even if it’s unreal, unhealthy, harmful and dishonoring.

All this to say, if millions of women are watching these shows on television and have been doing so for over two decades, it’s highly likely that your daughter is in this demographic now…or she will be.

More importantly, if she’s like many of the women I’ve counseled and mentored over the last two-plus decades since this television show debuted, she will allow herself to be treated poorly in dating relationships because these relational dynamics are subtly influencing cultural norms.

Here’s where you come in: Rather than your daughter learning about romantic relationships this way----where she watches women throw themselves at a guy they barely know just to win his affection, even if it means clawing their way to the front in order to be seen and chosen, often disrespecting themselves with how they behave or treat those around them, etc.---what if you, her father, came alongside her this Valentines Day to let her experience what it feels like to be the heroine in her own story!

Here’s your 10-step plan of action:

1. Choose to spend time with her

2. Tell her you see her as beautiful

3. Show her what chivalry looks like

4. Hug her

5. Buy her flowers

6. Treat her to dinner

7. Listen well

8. Ask questions to show you care

9. Give (or send) her a Valentine’s Day card

10. Share what you adore and admire about her

Your daughter will feel like the most cherished girl or woman on the planet as you, her Dad, shower her with love, kindness and validation in an extra special way this week because you’re the real man whose heart is always turned towards hers.

This is the best Valentine’s Day present you can ever give her!

Is Your Unattended Baggage Hurting Your Daughter? (Guest Blog by Marc Alan Schelske)

Marc Alan Schelske is a friend I greatly respect and admire. Today as you read his guest blog, you as fathers will no doubt be inspired by his profound insights to help you relate in healthier ways to your daughters.
- Michelle

That morning I got up early, hoping to enjoy some quiet before family and work obligations kicked in. I shuffled to the kitchen to brew myself some Earl Grey.

In the darkness, my shin collided hard with some unseen obstacle. I tripped and threw out my arms, catching myself as I fell against the wall. My impediment crashed across the hardwoods setting the dog to barking. That woke up the rest of my family.

Bruised, frustrated, annoyed at the dog, I switched on the light to see what had been so irresponsibly left in the hallway. There it was. The blue carry-on baggage that belonged to me.

The week prior I had made a quick weekend flight for a writer’s event. I flew home to a schedule already overfull. Jumping right into the rush of my week, I left my baggage unattended in the hallway, where it sat, waiting to trip some unsuspecting family member. Luckily it was me!

Unattended Baggage Can Be Dangerous

You’ve heard that recorded message that comes over the airport public address system, the one that warns about unattended bags? The airport officials are trying to protect against terrorism threats, but apparently unattended baggage can be a real terror in other ways.

This isn’t just a problem at the airport. Apparently it’s a problem in my hallway. It’s also a threat to our relationship with our daughters.

The truth is that all of us dads have baggage we’ve never unpacked. Our hearts carry wounds that have scabbed over with time but have never received the proper healing.This baggage is just sitting around waiting for someone to trip over it. If we’re not careful, it’s going to be our daughters.

How Does This Baggage Show Up?

Coming back from my trip, I quickly fell back into my routine. The luggage I’d not had time to deal with got pushed to the side of the hallway and quickly faded into the background. I forgot it was there until my shin cracked into it.

Our emotional baggage is much the same. Regardless of what trauma or pain we’ve experienced in the past, we find a way to make life work.

For some of us, the wounds are so deeply buried, that we don’t think of them—and that seems almost the same as if we had dealt with them. We seem fine.

So, can we know if we’ve got untended baggage before it’s too late? Sure! There are three clear flags. If these are present in your life in an ongoing way, you’ve got unattended baggage.

1) Unexpected Outbursts

I noticed my unattended baggage when my shin sent it careening down the hall, waking up my whole family with an unexpected crash. That’s often how our emotional baggage surfaces too. Unexpected, loud and painful.

A common example of this is a dad’s Zero-to-Rage speed. Scripture counsels us to be slow to anger, and yet many speed past that instruction. You can call it a short fuse. 

You can blame it on your daughter’s disrespect or poor listening. But nobody is responsible for your burst of anger except you. If unexpected anger bursts in on us, boiling over in angry words, name-calling, blaming language or worse, that’s a flag that we have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

2) Outsized Responses

When my baggage crashed across the floor, and the dog started barking, the whole ordeal was far noisier than it needed to be. Similarly, emotional baggage often surfaces with a much bigger “crash” than seems reasonable.

If your daughter does something irritating or forgets some small responsibility, how do you react? Think about the tone of voice you use, the type of language you employ, the level of consequence you apply.

If what she did, objectively, weighs in at about a 4 or 5 in terms of seriousness, but the intensity of your response to her is more like a 9 or 10, that’s an outsized response. Maybe you pride yourself on being a strict parent, or “not taking any garbage.”

Well, consider the possibility that your intensity has nothing to do with your daughter, or with wanting to “run a tight ship.” It’s possible that you are inflicting emotional intensity on your daughter that doesn’t belong to her. Regular outsized responses are a flag that you have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

3) Hidden Hazards

In the dark that morning, I couldn’t see my luggage in the pathway. Because I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t avoid running into it. 

Emotional baggage is often invisible in the same way. Sometimes it’s invisible to you. Often, it’s invisible to your daughter.

She’s just going her life, being a kid. She doesn’t understand one particular thing might rub you the wrong way. She probably doesn’t get why you have so much energy around a particular behavior. In her mind “it’s not a big deal.” In your mind, it’s suddenly everything.

If interacting with you is a “minefield,” full of hidden hazards, that’s a flag that you have unattended baggage that needs to be unpacked.

Don’t Give Your Daughter Your Baggage!

The whole incident with the luggage in the hallway could have easily been avoided. All that was needed was for me to take responsibility. Instead of leaving my bag unattended and packed in the hallway, I could have taken the time to unpack it and put it away.

When we don’t take responsibility for our emotional baggage, it often becomes someone else’s problem. Our denial ends up hurting people we love. Then, our baggage becomes their baggage.

As dads, one of our chief responsibilities is to set up our children for the best possible chance of a healthy life. Passing our unpacked baggage on to them is a violation of this commitment.

If you find your relationship with your daughter marked by unexpected outbursts, outsized responses, and hidden hazards, it’s time to take responsibility.

Maybe that means investing time in learning how to listen to and process your emotions. 

(I wrote a book about that called The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-given Power and Purpose of your Emotions.) 

Maybe it means getting coaching from a professional, like a therapist or a pastor with skills in this area. It’s not weakness to get support in this area; it is you giving your best attention to being the best dad you can be—and that’s part of your commitment to set your daughter up for the best possible life experience.

Don’t leave your baggage out where she can trip over it.

Instead, give her a healthy example of courage and personal responsibility by unpacking your own baggage before it becomes someone else's problem.

Marc Alan Schelske lives in Portland, Oregon in the U.S. where he writes about life at the intersection of grace and growth. He hosts The Apprenticeship Way podcast, is the author of The Untangle Workbook, The Wisdom of Your Heart, and Discovering Your Authentic Core Values, and is the pastor of Bridge City Community Church. You can find him and more writing at www.MarcAlanSchelske.com.

The Dialed-In Dad Checklist

Let’s be honest. None of us like someone else telling us what to do.

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about both our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

However, unlike our work environment, when it comes to assessing fatherhood, it’s another ballgame. In that arena, the likelihood of individual defensiveness is higher, especially if the person giving the feedback is a stranger (a.k.a. me to you). I can understand how it could come across as a personal attack when the input isn’t based on a full understanding of the entirety of a situation.

In view of that reality, dad, I want to offer you a way to evaluate yourself. No lecture. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the hood of your “car” and checking the wiring in order ensure optimum workability. And since we’re here at the end of the year, this is a great time to look back over 2019 and do some introspection…all for a greater gain.

I want to give you a tool that equips you to assess yourself in the area of fathering. No one else will see it but you. My hope is that in having a template for self-evaluation, you will be more honest than if someone was looking over your shoulder.

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to ask for help in order to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and clearer than may have realized.

That’s where I believe this self-assessment will serve as a proactive tool in your fathering toolbox because it will help you clarify your vision.

Let me add that I’ve absolutely loved hearing dads in The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30) tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a couple of years ago after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended.

Let’s get practical now.

After you take the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter.

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time.

Here’s the bottom line: Being intentional makes a big difference.

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey. (Use lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist to guide you here).

And if you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus.

By doing this, you’ll be clearer on where to take action so you can more specifically invest in your daughter’s life today.

p.s. If you want extra credit and are feeling extra courageous, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee that it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement!

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

A Winter's Rest

The holidays, more than anything, are a time to be extra purposeful with our families. While I take the next two weeks off from blogging, and spend more one-on-one time with family and friends, I hope you are doing the very same thing--relaxing, connecting, eating more meals together, all the things that make this a cozy season. And I encourage you to be especially intentional with your daughters (and sons), too. I look forward to being back in touch via my blog in the new year! --Michelle