Closing the Dream Gap

Over the past few years a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap.’ You may have already heard of it, but for me this is something I just learned about recently. And because it’s rocking my world, I wanted to bring it to your attention, Dads.

Let’s start with the historical context:

In 2017 researchers from NYU, Princeton, and the University of Illinois collaborated to present findings from their ground-breaking research, revealing that by the age of five, girls quit dreaming and stop believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they set their minds to. By contrast, boys in this age range are not experiencing the same things.

They also reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence. Further, the more heart-breaking reality is that when these gender stereotypes regarding a lack of intellectual ability in females take root early, they are believed to have life-long negative impacts on their interests, choices, and career paths.

In other words, when girls decline involvement in activities they believe are reserved only for those who are “really, really smart,” they tend to make choices not to engage in activities where they might have otherwise flourished had they tried. And these restrictive beliefs block young girls and women from pursuing their aspirations, which researchers believe correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy or physics.

One Mom’s Story:

In her blog, “Life with my Littles,” Chelsea Johnson shares her personal story around this theme: 

“I first heard about the Dream Gap back in May at Barbie headquarters, and it hit me hard. My daughter just turned four, and right now, she is such a bright, shining light in our family. She loves imagining who she can become and her dream is to become a worker (a construction worker) and a veterinarian (we’re lucky Barbie makes a vet doll and a builder doll!). One day she wants to build her own veterinary clinic. To her, anything is possible, and I want her to always believe that she can be or do anything she wants.

When I heard about the Dream Gap and what research has shown, I was terrified for her. I have friends with daughters between five and seven, and they’ve casually said things to me that have shown me that this gap is real in their daughter’s lives. I don’t want my daughter, or any other girl, to doubt her potential or to think that just because she’s a girl she can’t become who she wants to. Even if you don’t have a daughter, I’m sure you can relate to this feeling.”

Yes, I can relate to this feeling because this is my story:

Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, here is my standard response every single time someone makes a comment about my academic accomplishments: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”

Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after graduating with my doctorate, which included doing my own research, then writing and defending my dissertation.

But unfortunately, I wouldn’t say that there has been a positive shift in this area in the last decade. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellect to be considered truly intelligent.

The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what enough would look like if I had it. I just know that I don’t believe I have as much as I possibly could have.

Did you notice how many times I used the word enough? I assure you that I don’t believe I’m dumb. In fact, I know I have smarts. It’s more that I don’t think I’m smart enough.

You’re probably a step ahead of me and can see that this statement elicits a follow-up question: Smart enough for what or smart enough in comparison to whom? Do you see how relative all of this is and how nebulous these concepts are? What does ‘enough’ even mean in practical terms?

I have an answer.

I was never as smart as Stephanie Weirson, a girl who was in my class from grade school through high school. And it seemed that every time we had a test, she finished long before I was even to the half way point. Solidifying her elevated position in my mind, she was always at the top of the leader board when our grades came out. So Ms. Weirson became my internalized standard against which I measured myself and she was always ahead of me because somehow I linked speed of responses to IQ. Yet now that I say it out loud, I realize how absurd that is!

I have honestly never said any of this out loud quite like this…until now. So here I am admitting that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it has gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.

As a result, I’ve been believing a lie that hasn’t been broken because it’s never been spoken.

Defining the ‘Dream Gap’ in more detail:

In response to the study I mentioned at the start of this blog, Mattel launched a global campaign just three months ago called the ‘Dream Gap Project.’ Their goal is to close the gap that stands between girls and their full potential through raising awareness of gender biases and stereotypes that are placed on them at a young age, reinforced primarily by the media and from subtle messages by adults. Thus, they are encouraging girls to counter their self-limiting beliefs by dreaming for more while reaching for the stars.

On their website, Mattel boldly states their motivation behind this initiative:

“The Dream Gap is a crisis not only because it robs girls of the ability to value themselves in an essential context. Dreaming is the key to a future in which more than 80 percent of jobs are STEM-related [Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math], and so we are all robbed. Simply put, dreaming, if we define that term as imagining new possibilities, exploring new worlds and thinking new thoughts, is what makes innovation and new breakthroughs possible.”

In this short video, a group of adorable young girls collectively use their voices to define the ‘Dream Gap’ in this way:

“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science-related toy…and when our parents are twice as likely to Google ‘Is my son gifted?’ than ‘Is my daughter gifted?’ That’s not cool.”

Keeping true to their word to increase purposeful dreaming in girls through imaginative play, Mattel created Luciana Vega for their 2018 Girl of the Year doll, whom they describe as “a creative, confident 11-year old girl and aspiring astronaut who dreams of being the first person to go to Mars!”

I am excited that empowered role models are being shown to young girls that invite them to think outside of a stereotypical box as they hold dolls that embody intelligence and strength. This sentiment is reinforced by the little girls in the above-mentioned video as they say:

“We need to see brilliant women being brilliant. And see how they got to where they there. To imagine ourselves doing what they do. But we can’t do it alone. Mom, dads, brothers, bosses, we need all of you to help. We need to close the dream gap. It’s up to all of us.”

How a dad can help close the ‘Dream Gap’:

You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural tide that comes against your daughter with negative messages that attack the very qualities that you seek to see displayed in her. You may believe your efforts are futile to successfully celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion when she isn’t always met with the same enthusiasm and support outside of your home.

As a dad you have the privilege of standing in the gap for your daughter so she can hear your affirming voice above the rest. You get to speak life into her spirit and applaud her uniqueness by supporting her dreams and goals (even if they’re different than the dreams and goals you have for her.)

This is where we as girls and women need YOU, our dads, to:

1. Challenge us to face our fears

2. Let us know that it’s okay to be afraid through this process of honing our vision

3. Remind us that in your eyes we’re a winner when we give our best, even if we don’t win first prize

4. Believe that we’re enough when we don’t believe that we are

5. Run alongside us while we’re learning to dream beyond our natural limitations

6. Coach us with wisdom about the fact that character is proven when we get back up after we fall

7. Cheer us on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into us

8. Repeat the truth that success is in the journey, not just in the outcome

9. Tell us that you’re proud of us and love us no matter what

And, Dad, if you want one more idea to help your daughter close the dream gap, I encourage you to invite her to write a list of TEN OUTRAGEOUS THINGS SHE WISHES SHE HAD THE NERVE TO DO. Then have her date and sign it.

A decade ago I wrote out my list of ten outrageous things and one of them was “to write a book.” It seemed like a crazy impossibility at the time, but then in 2014 my first book was released. So I speak from personal experience when I say: Dream it and do it!

For extra dad points, you can create your own list, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward in expanding normal limits. This list can also serve as a prayer guide as you agree with God to support your daughter to live beyond her natural limits as she is released into his supernatural calling on her life!

Dad, you can help to close the dream gap today by standing in the gap with your daughter.

Fathering Regrets from Nike Co-Founder Phil Knight

For the bulk of my life I lived in Portland, Oregon in the heart of Nike country. In fact, the church I attended for over 25 years is on the street where the company’s world headquarters resides.

I’ve had lots of friends who work for Nike and have done everything from designing shoes to leading international teams to doing various jobs in between. There’s even been a number of dads in The Abba Project who have been part of the Nike family. All this to say, the swoosh has been commonly seen and worn in my community!

This leads me to ask: Have you read or heard of Nike co-founder, Phil Knight’s, best-selling memoir, Shoe Dog? In this book, he shares his journey from launching a struggling start-up to becoming what is now a fifty-billion-plus- dollar company, and the world’s largest supplier of athletic shoes and apparel.

What I’ve noticed is that when Mr. Knight talks, people listen. And when Mr. Knight talks about life lessons he’s learned along the way—especially the hard way—people really listen.

That said, his reflections at the end of his book about being a dad are particularly noteworthy:

It might be nice to tell the story of Nike. Everyone else has told the story, or tried to, but they always get half the facts, if that, and none of the spirit. Or vice versa. I might start the story, or end it, with regrets. The hundreds—maybe thousands—of bad decisions . . . Of course, above all, I regret not spending more time with my sons. Maybe, if I had, I could’ve solved the encrypted code of Matthew Knight. And yet I know that this regret clashes with my secret regret—that I can’t do it all over again.

The fact that Phil’s son Matthew died in a scuba diving accident at the age of 34 makes these poignant words spoken by a man in his late seventies who wishes he’d been a more invested father even more powerful.

To state the obvious, he can’t get time back and he can’t get his son back.

• Dad, don’t let this be your story.

• Decide now to re-examine your priorities.

• Don’t wait.

• Just do it!

And this isn’t about perfection because no one is perfect. It is, however, about pursuing time with your daughter no matter what challenges arise, at any cost to yourself.

Taking Mr. Knight’s words to heart, I challenge you to ask yourself this question: Do I want to live with purpose (with clearly defined goals with specific and measurable action steps) or with regret when it comes to my role as a GirlDad?

I know you want to live with purpose as a father and actively pursue your daughter’s heart by putting your love for her into action or you wouldn’t have read my blog today.

So now let’s get practical and personal.

1. Ask yourself: Am I spending “enough” time with my daughter?
   (Yes, this is a relative term and may be hard to answer specifically…so search your heart and be honest with yourself. A “no excuses” mindset increases the likelihood of living with no regrets).

2. Ask yourself: What am I willing to change/give up/adapt to increase my flexibility and visibility to meet my daughter in this season?
   (Ex: Start work later to drive her to school, work out at another time so you’re available when she has time, invite her to join you in activities that allow for more consistent bonding, set up consistent calls or FaceTime to create a rhythm of connection she can count on…)

3. Ask your daughter: “Are we spending as much time together as you’d like?”

4. Ask your daughter: “What are one or two ways I can be more present in your life…and be specific about where I can meet you in your world.”

There it is Dad: two questions to ask yourself and two to ask your daughter.

You know how much I encourage you to TALK and LISTEN as you interact with your daughter so she can tell you what she feels, thinks, believes and needs…especially from you.

It’s up to YOU to initiate the conversation.

And yes, your daughter may or may not respond positively as you pursue her heart, yet as you consistently initiate connecting with her in real time, you’ll always know you put your time where your heart is…and that’s how you clarify your purpose to live without (or with less) regrets.

Go Dad!

3 Questions a Dad Might Not Have the Courage to Ask His Daughter

Since the launch of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I’ve been using John Gray’s terminology to describe my awareness that I, as a woman, live on Venus and you, dad, live on Mars. I’ve found that this creative terminology helps to explain something we all know:

As men and women, we often miss each other’s intent and meaning in our communication because we speak two very different languages.

I’ve actually been planet hopping for over a decade, and the more traveling I do between our respective spheres, the more I’ve sought to transport observations I’ve made from my planet to yours…and vice versa.

One of the observations I’ve collected is something that I’ve noticed about many men. Essentially, it’s that you are often motivated by crisis or need. Stated otherwise: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

To illustrate, rather than focus on you as men, I’ll highlight an ordeal that my mom lived through.

When she was almost 80 years old, she was still working as an RN at the VA (Veterans Affairs). And being the vibrant and active woman that she was then, she typically walked an hour a day, five or six days a week. And though she began noticing a slight shortness of breath for about a year, she thought it was just part of the aging process and downplayed it.

But on one particular Monday, her symptoms intensified, and this started the fastball rolling when my dad rushed her to the ER that evening. Four days later she had emergency open heart surgery. Her surgeon said he’d performed 14,000 heart surgeries during his career and had never seen an aortic valve so calcified—86%! Yes, it’s a miracle that she survived, and thankfully she is still thriving today, six years later.

Here was the question we all asked back then: How could a woman who was very active and in seemingly fine health have such a huge blockage to her heart without any awareness?

Answer: Things had gradually been taking place in her body such that she had acclimated to the changes over time. And because there hadn’t been a crisis, there was no motivation to explore the apparent minor signs and symptoms that were signaling to her that there was a problem. A very serious problem.

Reality suddenly became clear when the crisis arose. And it was the crisis that changed everything.

We all agreed that it would have been so much better and wiser had she tuned into the warning signs before it got to the desperation-emergency-almost-lost-her point.

Here’s the reason I’m sharing this story with you today: to highlight that sometimes it’s the same way with your daughter. It may seem like things are fine within herself and even between you. Maybe you’re assuming that everything is on par because there’s no obvious crisis or need and because she seems okay and hasn’t gotten into trouble or given you cause for concern. Or maybe she’s been a great kid who follows the rules, gets fantastic grades, and hasn’t rebelled. So you conclude that she’s all good and she’ll stay that way.

But what if more is going on under the surface that she…and you or her mom…aren’t tuning in to? This is where it’s key to have regular check in’s and check up’s, just like my mom will now be doing for the rest of her life.

Why not take time now to tune in by taking steps to connect with her insides (a.k.a. her heart and her mind, thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, wonderings, questions, opinions, needs, longings, feelings, dreams, etc.) rather than risking the potential of emergency treatment down the road? At that desperation point it’s ten times harder to get a handle on things.

So here’s your action step and it’s probably not what you think! This isn’t about you asking your daughter how she’s doing. Instead, it’s about letting her give you feedback on how you’re doing as a dad….in relationship to her.

The reality is that this conversation will give her space to actually reveal some of her heart to you, which will in turn give you a glimpse into what she needs and wants.

Here are three questions you can ask your daughter today:

1. How am I doing as your dad overall? 

2. On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me right now as your dad (with 10 being the best, 0 being the worst)?

3. What can I do or what could I work on to be a better dad to you?

This may be scary to ask these questions, but I challenge you to do it anyway. And if she gives you a high score and says there’s no room for improvement, perhaps you could offer one idea that you believe would “up your game” so you are more engaged as her father. 

Your daughter may or may not be honest with you, but you can still invite her to respond. She may not feel safe to answer if she fears your reaction. So assure her that you won’t get angry or be defensive. Tell her that you truly want to hear her thoughts and feelings. And if she doesn’t have the courage to tell you her thoughts face to face, suggest that she write her response and text it to you later.

If you want a better, stronger, healthier, and more vibrant relationship with your daughter, I encourage you to ask these three questions a minimum of once a year (option: meet every six months to re-evaluate).

Are you in? Now you have a script ready to go should you dare to accept this challenge!

I’d love to hear from you after you ask your daughter these questions.

• Was it as hard as you thought it would be?

• Did she say what you thought she would say?

• Did you learn anything about yourself after hearing what she told you?

• Did she give you feedback that you can use to change course with her and better connect with her needs and heart space?

Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com and let me know how your conversation went. Go Dads!

One Surprising Trait Your Daughter Should Look for in the Men She Dates (Guest blog by Kent Evans)

If you’re a dad with a young daughter at home, you may feel the tension as she matures and starts making more of her own decisions. In fact, there are some words that, at their very mention, sends a dad’s heart rate soaring.

One of those words? Dating.

On one hand, you’re praying for your little princess’s future husband. And you know that boy was you a decade or three ago. You’re not against her ever meeting a boy. Probably!

But, you realize that so many young men have, at best, mixed agendas. I repeat – that was you not so long ago. You know. So, how can she sift the wheat from the chaff? When she begins meeting young men, how will she know Mr. Right when she sees him?

As a starting point, you’ll surely tell her to look for a strong faith foundation. You’ll quote the verse about being unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), and you’ll encourage her to find a guy who’s serious about his walk with the Lord. She may or may not follow your advice, but still, that goes without saying.

But then, what’s next? Perhaps, you’ll tell her to look for chivalric actions such as greeting her at the door, bringing her home on time, or paying for the dinner and the movie? Or to see if he can hold down a job?

You’ll trot out a long list of suitor prerequisites, I’m sure. You’ll mention faith, respect, and kindness. You’ll ask about his grades in school or whether he eats Cheetos and plays video games all the time. You may even insist he not be a fan of that one team. No way you could tolerate someone who cheers for them.

But there’s one key ingredient that is a canary in the coal mine. It’s an indicator, a dashboard light either glowing cheerful green or alarming red.

It tells you more about this young man’s character than his caloric intake, economic capacity or personal hygiene habits.

It’s like taking a hard look at a home’s foundation. If you spot a massive crack, buyer beware. But, conversely, if you see a solid footing, you know this home is built on solid ground.

What is this key ingredient?

What’s one trait – not the only one, mind you – but a key character trait that can tell you a lot about a guy?

Here it is: Can this young man apologize when he makes a mistake?

Now, I’m not saying all those other traits don’t matter. They do! Any GirlDad worth his salt will have a litany of things he’s looking for in the boy who gets to meet his precious daughter at the altar. Cheeto-dust under the fingernails is but one incriminating clue amidst a sea of observable aspects of a man’s character.

But, the ability to apologize? It speaks volumes.

Even for something as simple as being late to pick her up, or forgetting their one-month anniversary (is that a thing?), if a guy can apologize, it tells you a lot about his husband-readiness.

Why is this? There are at least five reasons.

1. If he apologizes of his own volition – not just because he was caught – it tells you that he can spot his own mistakes.
   What’s better than being able to receive correction? Being able to self-correct, that’s what. A man with self-control is like a strong city (Proverbs 25:28; 2 Timothy 1:7).

2. It suggests a soft heart.
   He wants to do right, and he knows he missed the mark. So, his heart eats at him until he says he’s sorry. David asked God to search his heart, and the young man who wins your daughter’s should do the same (Psalm 139:23–24; 1 Corinthians 11:31).

3. While we want our girl’s man to have a soft heart, we don’t want him to be weak. The man who can apologize is not fragile. He’s not an ego-guarder. It takes a real man to boast in his weakness and confess a transgression (Proverbs 28:13; 2 Corinthians 12:9).

4. He wants to get better.
   He has, as author Carol Dweck would put it, a growth mindset. He’s on the path toward improvement, and he knows that apologizing and learning from his mistakes is part and parcel to that. He hasn’t arrived yet and wants to be wiser still (Proverbs 9:9; Philippians 3:12).

5. He honors your daughter.
   Your future son-in-law will not be perfect, but he’d better be able to honor your girl. When a guy can apologize, it’s the verbal equivalent of throwing his coat over the puddle. He’s considering her above himself. (Romans 12:10; Philippians 2:3).

Dad, hold the bar high for your daughter’s would-be future mate. Don’t budge an inch on evaluating his character and clearly stating your expectations. Your standards will likely involve topics around faith, responsibility, and finances, to name just a few.

But, keep your eye on what happens when he makes a mistake. Even small ones.

Does your daughter’s future man need to be perfect? Clearly not. You’ve been in his shoes, and you’d have never been able to meet a perfect standard.

However, amidst his many capacities and abilities, can this young man apologize? Can he see his sin, take responsibility, and then, in an act of humility, apologize and seek forgiveness and reconciliation?

If he can, he just might be a keeper. 

The Dating Advice I Mistakenly Got from a Chatbot Disguised as a Rabbi

I literally cannot believe I just fell for this scam…but I did!

I watched a video by someone I thought was a well-respected Jewish Rabbi, only to later discover that “he” is actually an AI-generated persona.

I suppose I should have known better. But rather than delete his message, I figure it’s worth passing along to you because of the wisdom that’s packed into it.

Here’s what “Rabbi Stirberg“ had to say:

“Jewish fathers tell their daughters one thing at age 13 that changes everything. Most fathers never have this conversation at all. We sit our girls down before they start dating and tell them something that sounds harsh.

You are not the prize to be won. You are the judge deciding if he deserves to be chosen.

Most girls grow up thinking the goal is to be pretty enough that a boy wants them. We teach the opposite. The goal is not to be picked. The goal is to pick someone worth your time.

Then we teach them one question to ask about every boy they meet. Does he add value to my life or does he just make me feel good? Because feeling good lasts three months. Value lasts a lifetime.

A boy who adds value does three things:

      1. He makes you sharper, not softer.
      2. He challenges you to grow, not stay comfortable.
      3. He has a plan for his future, not just feelings about his present.

Most fathers raise daughters who ask, ‘Am I good enough for him?’ We raise daughters who ask, ‘Is he good enough for me?’

By the time your daughters choose partners, they're choosing whoever makes them feel wanted. By the time ours choose, they're choosing whoever makes them better. This isn't about being cold.

This is about understanding that who you choose determines the trajectory of your entire life. The wrong partner costs you decades. The right partner multiplies everything you are.

The Talmud teaches that a woman builds her house or tears it down with her own hands. The most important decision she makes is who she lets inside.

Teach your daughters they are the ones doing the choosing, not the ones hoping to be chosen.”

So what do you think?

To me, it seems like sound advice for a dad to teach his daughter.

More specifically, I appreciate the focus here on fathers challenging their daughters to use MORE WISDOM AND SCRUTINY when it comes to choosing a life partner. I think too often the romance paradigm glamorizes the hard work it takes to be in a healthy and vibrant relationship. Additionally, that one decision has EVERYTHING to do with EVERYTHING in her life (even if she chooses not to marry).

I also appreciate that the directive for women to be MORE CHOOSY when it comes to the men she dates…and the one she ultimately marries. This needs to be communicated from dads to their daughters of all ages. It’s vitally important for dads to encourage their daughters to ask themselves if he truly adds value to her life and makes her better.

Dad, I encourage you to open up this conversation with your daughter. You can start by reading her this blog.

And if you want to interact with her on the topics of dating and marriage but don’t know where to start, here’s the link to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters where I have scripts for you to lead the dialogue. Go Dads!